by Odette Stone
My mouth dropped open. “Matt, please.”
He backed away from me, his hands up in front of him. “Just don’t.”
I started to beg. “Please Matt. Don’t go.”
He rolled his eyes and then turned and walked out of the loft. I stared after him for a long moment. My chin lowered to my chest as I worked to not cry. I took big shuddery breaths. Jackson’s hand covered his mouth. He turned and walked away, his hands on his hips.
I dropped the blanket on the floor and walked upstairs. I crawled into my freshly washed bed. I forced my brain to shut off. I was in no shape to even process that right now. I stared into the dark with wide eyes until sleep claimed me.
Chapter 17
“Police had confirmed this morning that the unidentified female body found in an industrial area was a victim of foul play. Unconfirmed reports that this may be the work of the throat slayer, a killer that could possibly be tied to seven other murders of women around the city. Police remind women to be vigilant in their travels, to not trust strangers and to not walk in unpopulated areas alone at night.”
Light streamed into my bedroom. I groaned and made stabbing motions towards my alarm clock radio before I finally succeeded in turning it off.
My head throbbed. As I rolled over, I became alarmed that I might throw up again. Memories bleeped through my mind, like a badly played movie. The party. Kissing Jackson. Julie and Jackson flirting. Matt and his mean coworker. Violent barfing. The fight between Matt and Jackson. Matt leaving. So much anger. So much hurt. I couldn’t even process what I had heard last night between the two of them. I couldn’t even digest it.
I staggered out of bed and into my bathroom. Everything looked pristine. The towels were neatly folded on the rack. The toilet looked spotless. I shut my eyes. Jackson at some point had cleaned my bathroom. My chin quivered. Matt couldn’t care less if I had been sick, but somehow Jackson had found the time to clean my bathroom in the middle of the night? He must have done so when I was lying on the couch downstairs. Shame rushed over me. My behaviour last night had been reprehensible. Now Matt was acting so crazy. I couldn’t even wrap my mind around the trouble between us. I had kissed Jackson and only God knew what Matt had been up to. He hadn’t even come home last night. I knew deep in my heart there was trouble brewing, but I honestly did not want to know the truth.
What if we just pretended that yesterday didn’t happen? Could we go back and get everything back on track? I would not survive if Matt left. Things were so rocky between us, but I needed him. I didn’t do alone. I would not survive if he left me.
I showered and walked downstairs. Jackson stood in the kitchen, looking fresh in his t-shirt and jeans. Pulled low over his eyes was his favourite baseball cap. I looked around the spotless room and noticed his big black duffle bag at the door.
My hands jammed into my armpits. He was leaving too. I lifted my chin and walked to the island. Green eyes looked at me. So serious.
My voice scratched. “Thank you for helping me last night.”
He regarded me with an intensity I didn’t know how to decipher.
“Did Matt come back yet?” I tried again.
He shook his head. I stared up at his face unable to determine his thoughts. He let nothing show.
“Why are you leaving?” My voice sounded desperate even to my own ears.
He looked down at the floor. “I think it is better for you and Matt.”
“Who did he leave with last night?”
“That’s a conversation you need to have with him.”
“Why won’t you tell me?”
“You should talk to Matt.”
“What was last night about between the two of you?”
“You need to ask him that.”
“I'm asking you.”
Green eyes met mine. No response. Just blank.
“Do they train you to be like that?” Hurt laced my voice.
“Like what?”
“Not showing how you feel?”
He stared back at me.
“Where will you go?”
Nothing. He inhaled through his nose. Emotionally unresponsive.
Anger bubbled up inside of me. For how stupid everything was. For the fight between him and Matt. For how this man who stood before me made me feel things I didn’t want to feel. For the cold fear I felt every time I thought about Matt and me. And for the anxiety that drenched my skin when I thought of Jackson walking out the door. If I could make Jackson stay, I might be able to reverse this curse on my life. However irrational, if Jackson didn’t leave, than maybe, somehow, everything else would work out.
“You’re not going,” I marched to his duffle bag. It made no sense, but I dreaded being alone with Matt. I refused to face what would happen if Matt and I had too much time alone together. Terrible things would happen.
I attempted to pick up the huge duffle bag but staggered under the weight. I managed to lift it a couple inches off the ground. I panted with effort.
He appeared beside me.
“What could you possibly have in this bag to make it weigh this much?” I grunted. When it became too heavy, my weak arms unwilling dropped the bag back on the ground.
“Emily.”
“No,” I put my hand up. “Don’t. Just don’t, okay? I'm bringing your bag upstairs and you can forget about leaving.”
“Emily,” he said again.
He showed no emotion. I clung to the duffle bag handles and my shoulders started to shake.
“Why is everyone leaving!” I yelled. “Why does everyone leave me?”
He crouched down on his haunches in front of me and looked up at me. His beautiful features swimming in my tears. “Who left?”
“Everyone. My mom. My Dad. My granny. Other stupid people. Matt. And now you. No one wants to stay. I just thought if one person stayed here things would work out.” My shoulders quaked with sobs. Tears poured down my cheeks. “What’s wrong with me?”
He looked up at me. “Nothing is wrong with you.”
“Where is Matt? What’s going on with him? Why is he gone all the time?” My voice cracked. “I don’t understand this.”
I dropped to the floor, wrapped my arms around my knees and put my head down. I worked to stop crying to no avail. I lifted my face and looked at him. “But I understand why you want to leave.”
“Why is that?”
“Because I'm crazy. And messy. I don’t blame you. I want to leave me too.” My face screwed up, as I fought another wave of tears.
His eyes were shadowed beneath the brim of his baseball cap, hiding his expression.
The words poured out of me in a torrent. “I tried to kill you but you still helped me pick wedding invitations. You saved me from getting run over. My stupid friends, even the married ones, all hit on you. And then I kissed you. Right before I barfed on you. You cleaned up after my big stupid party and no one, not one single person would blame you for wanting to leave. But you should know that you might be the greatest house guest I have ever had and maybe one of the nicest friends too.”
He just crouched there, watching me. No expression.
I hiccupped.
“I’m not leaving because of you. I'm leaving for you.”
“If you want to do something for me than just stay.”
A long sad pause hung between us.
“Sorry. I'm so so stupid,” I gulped air into my lungs. “Now I'm making it worse. I’m just embarrassing us both.”
He lifted his hat up and put it back on his head. “Emily.”
A soft knock sounded on the door. Jackson and I looked at each other. The rolling door slid open. Irene, Matt’s mom, stood in front of us. She took in my huddled form and tearful face with Jackson crouched beside me and his duffle bag.
“Oh sorry,” she said, “Is this a bad time?”
Jackson stood up easily and walked over to her. I wiped my face and watched as she presented a cheek for him to kiss.
I scrambled to my feet and sh
e gave me a look that was hard to read. “I'm so sorry to drop in on your like this. I heard that Jackson was in town.”
I shook my head. “Of course. I didn’t think. I should have invited you myself.”
She looked down at the bag and then up at Jackson. “So are you coming or going?”
Jackson looked at me, his expression hard to make out.
I took a deep breath. “Why don’t I make some coffee? Did you drive here?”
“No I took the train and yes, I would love some coffee.”
I started moving to the kitchen. Jackson had set up the new coffee maker, and now it was my turn to stand and stare at it. I had asked for gadgets and this thing was loaded.
He appeared behind me. “I can make the coffee.”
I sat down at the island and Irene and I looked at each other. I had hoped that Matt’s mom and I would become close friends but she wasn’t the warmest woman I had ever met in my life. I vowed to give her another try.
Irene looked at Jackson, “How long are you stateside?”
“Three months.”
“Matt told me that you were here.”
“I should have called.”
Silence hung on the air for a moment.
His voice was low, “How’s the house?”
“Oh, things are good. I might need to have the shingles replaced this year. My neighbour gave me the name of two contractors.”
Chapter 18
Irene studied me. “How are you?”
My smile wobbled as I lied. “I'm good.”
“How’s the wedding planning coming along?”
I swallowed. “Really good.”
Silence descended on us. She looked around. “Is Matt sleeping?”
“He’s at work.” I was getting quite good at lying. Lying to myself. Lying to others.
She shook her head. “I have no idea where Matt got his work ethic from. He’s the hardest working person I know.”
“He has been working around the clock lately.”
Jackson stood on the side, leaning against the counter, his long legs crossed, his arms folded.
Irene looked back from me and then to Jackson. “So, I obviously walked in on something here. Want to tell me what’s going on?”
Jackson cleared his throat. “Same old shit.”
“Did you and Matt fight?”
“Yep.”
“Jackson. I know for a fact that Matt wanted you to come and stay with him because he wanted to repair your relationship. Why are you making this so difficult for him? You always do this.”
Jackson didn’t answer. Shock skidded across my skin. Jackson wasn’t the difficult one in this situation. Truth be told, he was probably the only sane one.
She folded her arms. “Matt is really trying here. Why can’t you make the effort to get along?”
He just stared back at her.
She cleared her throat. “I woke up this morning to a very incoherent drunk message from Matt. Half of which I couldn’t understand. Jackson you really seemed to have upset him.”
More silence while Jackson and I processed that statement.
“It’s not yours to fix,” Jackson finally said.
“Ever since Harry’s funeral…” her voice trailed off. “I'm asking you to fix this.”
He glanced at me. “I think cooler heads might prevail.”
She made a little noise. “So you're just going to take off again? That’s so typical. We are trying here with you. We have always tried with you.”
I was shocked at how biased this woman’s view was of this situation. It almost felt like she was holding Jackson completely responsible for this mess. I couldn’t reconcile that Jackson had grown up with this woman. They seemed like two strangers.
“Matt wasn’t exactly an angel in this situation,” I interjected.
Cold eyes that reminded me of Matt turned on me. “And how’s that?”
I swallowed again. “Well, Matt has been pretty distant lately.”
“He works so hard.”
“Yes. But he hasn’t been around to try and fix stuff either.”
She sniffed and looked around the loft. She turned back to Jackson. “I'm asking you to stay. For Matt. This is obviously important to him.”
I held my breath. His face was devoid of expression but he nodded. My heart bleated with joy. I didn’t care that he was being coerced. My prayers had been answered.
It was like a switch went off inside of her. Now that she had her way, everything was sunny in her life again. It reminded me of Matt. He would have his little temper tantrums about stuff but as soon as I agreed to give in, I was back in his good books. At the time, I always felt such relief that things were back to normal, I had never stopped to realize how completely manipulative it was on his part.
Irene chatted gaily about her choir that she attended every Thursday night and was asking Jackson advice about window treatments. I sipped my coffee, feeling something akin to despair. Their conversation drifted around me. I stopped listening, so that I could think.
Something really bad was going on with Matt. When had he stopped talking to me? I couldn’t even remember the last time he had returned one of my texts. We used to text daily. Now it seemed like we hadn’t talked in weeks. Yes, he had disappeared last night, but truth be told, Matt had disappeared weeks ago. It had happened so slowly, I had barely noticed but now it didn’t even feel like he was living here, much less in a relationship with me.
Was it supposed to be like this? When we first started dating he had been fun and sweet. We had cooked together and gone on date nights. Matt never did have a lot of time but he always had made time for me. When had he stopped doing that? And why did he call his mom in a drunken stupor last night? It didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t understand anything.
My head pounded and I was feeling more than slightly nauseous and light-headed. I glanced up. Jackson listened to Irene, but his eyes were watching me. He moved to the fridge and took a ginger ale out of the fridge. He cracked that open and set it in front of me. Then he peeled a banana and placed it on a plate and shoved that in front of me. I picked up the banana and washed it down with the ginger ale. My stomach heaved dangerously at first, but in a few minutes it settled and I became less lightheaded.
A few weeks ago, everything in my life had been fine. Not fabulous but pretty okay. Matt had been busy but at least we were texting on a regular basis. Then Jackson had shown up. Matt accused Jackson of infringing on his life which didn’t even make sense, considering Jackson hadn’t even existed in our lives up until Matt allegedly begged Jackson to come and stay here. Then Matt had pleaded for my help in keeping Jackson here so he could spend more time with Jackson, but instead, every time there was a situation that he could hang out with Jackson, he invented some excuse to do otherwise.
I had managed to tamp down my crush and fall into the friendship/kid sister zone with Jackson. We had been doing good. We had found a space where I didn’t ogle him too badly and he refrained from flirting with my tender heart. We laughed together and had an easy friendship. Okay, so maybe I took a few extra peeks at his body. And perhaps his scent was more intoxicating than any other person I had ever smelled in my life, but that was besides the point. We had kept all of that under control.
Until he kissed me. I felt myself blow hot as I remembered his kiss. The way his mouth had moved over mine. The taste of him. The feeling of his big hand around the back of my neck. I had never been kissed before in such a manner. I would probably be remembering that kiss in my dotage.
But it had been a colossal mistake of epic proportions. Both of us had agreed to that fact. I mean, aside from pity, I had no idea why the guy had kissed me. After I puked on him, Matt screamed at him and he cleaned up both of our messes, was it coming as a shock to anyone that he wanted to leave?
My face burned as I recalled my over-the-top response in my attempt to keep him here. It didn’t get any more mortifying. Nor did it makes sense. What could possible make
sense about my frantic desperation to keep him here. I had left the guy completely speechless. He had no words while he watch me completely lose my shit. I had basically wept and begged him not to leave. Way to go. If there is anything that makes a man want to run away more, I would like to hear it because I think I topped the cake on that one.
Irene decided that she had enough. “I think I would like to go back to my hotel now. Jackson would you mind driving me?”
“Sure.”
I stood up. “Would you like to come by for dinner tonight? I'm pretty sure Matt won’t be working.”
She gave me two air kisses. “That would be lovely dear.”
Chapter 19
I wandered around the loft, at a bit of a loss as to what to do. Jackson had cleaned everything to a state of perfection, so beside cleaning up our coffee mugs, I had nothing to clean. I didn’t feel like painting or watching TV. My book didn’t hold my interest. I couldn’t bring myself to even think about last night.
My phone rang and I lunged for it. It was Julie. I sighed.
“Hello?”
“Hi Emily.”
“Hey.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Hung over. You?”
“Like I want to hang my head over the toilet for the next three days.”
I gave a short laugh. “Been there, done that.”
A brief pause.
“That was quite the party you had last night.”
“I aim to please.”
“So what are you and your two boys up to today?”
I looked around the empty loft. “They’re both out.”
“Is everything okay?”
I stilled as a coldness ran through my body. “Yes. Why?”
Her laugh sounded false. “Oh, no reason.”
“Why would you ask that?” My spider senses tingled.
“Just that Matt was pretty wasted last night.”
I sat up straight. “You were there? Did you go out with them?”
“Yeah, there were a few of us and someone had suggested going down to that blues bar on 5th. Matt was all over that.”
