by Odette Stone
She twisted the coaster around in her hands. “Maybe you just need to tell Jackson how you feel?”
I lifted my wet eyes to her. “Already did that. Right there in a big dramatic fashion in the hospital parking lot, I confessed my undying love to him.”
Her gaze went big. “What did he say?”
I shook my head. “He looked cornered. Sort of like a wild animal trying to gnaw off his leg in a trap.”
She started to laugh. “It can’t have been that bad.”
“I might have been downplaying just how bad it was. Sheer panic and fear. It was written all over his face.”
She reached her hand out and covered mine. “I'm sorry.”
“I want safe. I want security. I want someone who’s going to come home every night. I want to raise a little family. I want those boring family vacations that everyone complains about. And Jackson is the exact opposite of all of that. He lives a dangerous life. He doesn’t want commitment. He doesn’t want kids. Even if I got him, he would emotionally destroy me. I couldn’t live with that kind of fear and uncertainty in my life.”
Beth gave me a funny look. “Can I ask what you love about him than?”
I swallowed hard. “That’s the irony. He makes me feel safe.”
“Well that’s a good thing, isn’t it?” she argued.
I wiped my nose with the back of my sleeve. I was a disaster doing the ugly cry in public and I couldn’t even stop myself. “Who am I to him? He came to New York for some mysterious treatment and somehow Matt, not this Matt, but the wild Matt, wanted to reconcile with him.”
“What happened between them?”
“I have no idea. But whatever it was, it wasn’t good.”
“And they never did reconcile.”
“It was like Matt wanted him there but then couldn’t deal with him being there. And Jackson, was just waiting, like me, for Matt to show up every once in awhile. So Jackson and I spent time together.”
Beth gave me a sympathetic look. “And you fell for him.”
More tears fell. “It was like the perfect storm. The more aggressive Matt acted, the more protective Jackson got. And the safer I felt. It was like that situation played into all of our needs.”
“And then you guys slept together.”
I looked at my hands. “I don’t think it meant the same thing to him as it did to me.”
“It was your first time,” her voice was sympathetic, “of course it meant something to you.”
“It definitely wasn’t his first time.”
We both looked at each other and then at the same time, we started to laugh. I laughed until I cried. Beth had her face on the table, her shoulders were shaking so hard. When we both came up for air, we both had tears in our eyes.
“Shit,” she said. “I mean, out of all the guys, you had to pick him? Seriously!”
I wailed. “I don’t even know how that happened.”
“How was…”
“Really good,” I interrupted. Flashes of Jackson, naked, devastating me with another kiss. Touching me. Lifting me up. Moving on top of me. It was a movie that played over constantly in my mind. Once started, it was hard to stop.
Beth leaned forward, her elbows on the table, her hands covering her mouth. “Julie would have a shit fit if she ever found out.”
A wet snort came out. “Fuck her. She fucked Matt. Repeatedly.”
“Matt doesn’t know?”
I shook my head. “No. How easy did he get off? He had the affair. I get the secret.”
She rolled her eyes. “That sucks.”
“I don’t think I can marry Matt. I need to break this off with him.”
“When are you going to do that?”
I shrugged. “Maybe when he gets out of the hospital?”
“But before the wedding.”
“Helpful advice.”
“Hey, with your luck, he will be going straight from the hospital to the church.”
I pointed at her. “Don’t even jinx me like that.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
I took a deep breath. “Yeah. I think I have spent so much time living in fear of being alone that maybe I just need to embrace it and accept that I might need to be alone for awhile. But I would rather be alone than be with the wrong guy because I'm afraid to be alone.”
We sat there in silence for a long moment.
“You ever hear from him?”
I shrugged. “Just a couple texts here and there.”
“So you are just going to keep up the charade until Matt is better? Do you think you will have a change of heart?”
I shook my head. “No. I know I won’t. I do not want to marry Matt.”
Chapter 41
Three days later, I was sitting in Matt’s room while he ate dinner.
“Want some green Jello?” he asked with a smile.
I smiled back and shook my head. “All yours.”
“I managed to walk around the ward three times this afternoon,” he said.
“That’s so good,” I said with a smile. I remember how Matt used to go for hour long runs just to burn off his excess energy. How times had changed.
“I’m a bit concerned about my mom,” he looked over at me. “I think the commute and everything from the hospital to the loft is really taking a toll on her.”
I didn’t argue. Irene looked more exhausted with each day. “It’s been a tough go.”
He ran his tongue over his teeth. “Do you still have your granny’s condo?”
“Yes.”
“I know it is a lot to ask, but do you think she could stay there for awhile? If I recall, the condo is only a couple minutes from here. She could leave anytime she wanted and go for a nap or a swim. You know how much she loves swimming,” Matt gave me a beguiling smile.
I couldn’t bring myself to meet Matt’s eyes. “Well, someone is actually staying there right now.”
“Who?” He frowned. “You didn’t rent it, did you?”
I cleared my throat and then scratched my eyebrow. “I offered for Jackson to stay there.”
His head jerked back. “Excuse me?”
I swallowed, trying to bring some saliva into my dry mouth. “Irene didn’t want him around because he upset you. But Jackson is getting treatment at the military hospital. I didn’t think anyone would even care. It isn’t like we are seeing him or anything.”
He was shaking his head. “No.”
“Matt. You don’t remember a lot, but you wanted Jackson to come and live with us. You insisted.”
“I never would have done that.”
“Well, it wasn’t me. You pushed for him to live with us, and you should know he was pretty great to both of us when he was there.”
“He isn’t welcome in our lives. I want you to ask him to leave.”
I felt my entire posture go rigid. “I'm not asking him to leave. He has been through enough.”
He gave a harsh laugh. “He’s been through enough? You’re really going to say that to me?”
“You don’t know everything.”
“Oh yeah? Are you going to throw my amnesia in my face every time we disagree.”
“That isn’t even fair but letting him camp out in a place we never use, isn’t a big deal.”
“Emily, if you knew what I knew, you would not say that.”
“Well, I'm not going to kick him out. I will pay for a hotel for Irene if she wants to go lie down during the day, but you can’t ask me to ask him to leave.”
“I'm not asking,” Matt glared at me. “I'm telling you.”
I looked at him in complete bafflement. “What exactly happened between the two of you.”
He shook his head. “Just get rid of him. There is no room for him in our lives.”
“I will not.”
“You’re going to choose my dad’s charity case over your own fiancé?” his tone was loud and rude.
I stood up on shaking legs.
“You’re leaving? Really? That�
��s your solution? To run away from this talk?”
“I can’t marry someone who keeps secrets from me, Matt.”
“That doesn’t even make sense,” he was practically yelling.
“I'm not entering into this marriage with a lot of secrets,” I repeated. “So think about that.”
“What’s all this commotion,” Irene said from the door.
“Ask your son,” I said, hitching my purse over my shoulder, “I'm going home.”
***
I walked down the hallway, my eyes blinded with tears. I was in a nightmare that would not end.
“Emily!” a voice called from behind me. “Emily!”
I stopped in my tracks but I didn’t turn around. I waited until Irene had caught up to me.
“What do you think you are doing,” she hissed at me. “How dare you upset him like that.”
“He’s not being reasonable.”
“He’s sick.”
“He can’t tell me to kick Jackson out of my granny’s place. Jackson is doing what you asked. He’s keeping his distance from all of us. Why can’t Matt leave him alone?”
“Matt needs to heal and doesn’t need this drama.”
I shook my head. “You were all for this drama a couple of months ago when it looked like they were reconciling.”
“If Matt doesn’t want to have anything to do with Jackson, that’s his prerogative. We aren’t going to push him on that.”
“I’m not asking for Matt to talk to Jackson, but someone had to be there for Jackson when his so called family turned their backs on him.”
“That’s uncalled for.”
“If the truth fits.”
She pointed her finger at me. “Matt is going to be your husband. You need to learn to stand by him.”
I threw my head back and laughed. “That’s rich.”
“I’m very disappointed in you Emily. I thought you were cut from better cloth.”
My tone was icy. “I think we have all been experiencing a lot of stress lately, so I'm going to let that comment slide. There is a hotel across the street. I'm going to pay for a room for you there because I think you look tired and you could use the extra rest and perhaps we all could use some space.”
Her skin flushed dark. I turned and with my head down, I walked rapidly away from her.
I didn’t start crying until I got to my car. I felt absolutely heartbroken for Jackson. The man had done nothing but bestowed undue patience and kindness towards Matt, Irene and myself. Every time I had turned around, he had been there for all of us. Especially me. And now the only two people that he could call family in this world were turning their backs on him. I cried for the little boy who had such a rough start to this world, who had grown up to be one of the most incredible men I had ever met in my life. Why couldn’t they see that about him? Why were they being so horrible to him? It was breaking my heart to see him being shunned by the two people who should be loving him.
***
Ten minutes later, I was standing at my granny’s penthouse, knocking at the door even though I had my own key.
The door swung open. Jackson stood there. He was wearing a pair of faded jeans and his hair was damp. My mouth went dry as my eyes traveled over his naked muscular torso.
“Hey,” he said, his expression guarded.
I felt suddenly, ridiculously nervous. “Hey. Sorry to bother you.”
He swung the door wide open. “Come on in.”
I followed him inside. Seeing a half naked Jackson in my granny’s penthouse felt like two worlds colliding. I felt a mixture of so much loneliness and sorrow, loss and love, that I wanted to throw myself on the familiar marble floor and weep with desperation.
He glanced over his shoulder and turned around when he saw the expression on my face. “You okay?”
I swallowed, momentarily unable to speak. “It’s just hard to be here.”
With you.
Something tender flickered in his eyes. “I bet.”
“I should go,” I said, spinning around and moving towards the door.
I opened it but a big hand came up beside my head and pushed the door shut. His voice was deep and low in my opposite ear, “Where are you going?”
A shudder the size of a California earthquake rippled down my spine. Desire, emotion, everything both good and bad quaked through my body. I could feel the heat of him through my t-shirt. His fresh clean scent filled my nostrils. I felt like an addict who had stayed sober for a couple weeks and now was face to face with my drug of choice.
I stood there for the longest of moments, completely still, trying to work up my courage to just walk away. The only sound was my erratic breathing.
I felt his big warm hand lightly push some hair off my neck.
“Emily.”
The sound of my name on his lips was the tipping point. I spun around and then he was lifting me up into his strong arms. My legs wrapped around his waist and my back simultaneously hit the door. His mouth slanted over mine, kissing me like I have never been kissed before. I clung to his neck and moaned as his tongue did wicked wonderful perfect things to my mouth.
I felt a big hand wrap through my hair, tugging my head back gently. I cried out as his mouth slid down a delicate nerve in my neck, causing an electric shock to shoot down my back. Another big hand grabbed my butt and yanked me hard against him, grinding me hard against his hips. I felt his arousal pushing against my apex.
“This isn’t why I came here,” I moaned, as I wound my hands through his thick hair, pulling his mouth closer against my neck.
“Tell me why you are here,” his voice was muffled against my neck.
“I don’t know,” I moaned, my eyes wide open and staring at the molding high ceiling of the entrance. “I couldn’t stay away.”
He lifted his head and two green eyes stared into my own. The look he gave me was so honest and real that it made me want to burst into tears. I felt like I had been living a lie for the last couple weeks and finally I was able to breathe and be myself.
A large hand came up and pushed the hair off my face. “Are you okay?”
I fought to not cry. I shook my head.
“Want to talk?”
I shook my head again. “I need to go.”
Something emotion I couldn’t decipher flitted across his gaze so fast I wasn’t sure I had seen anything at all. He slowly lowered me down onto my trembling legs.
“I’m sorry,” I said, this time I did start crying. My entire face crumpled up. God this man must be so tired of my tears.
“Emily talk to me,” his voice was unfeigned. He held my hand and looked at me with such concern, it only made me cry harder. Sobbing, I wrenched my hand out of his before turning and disappearing out the door.
Chapter 42
Chloe and I were walking home from the river. She was on the leash and sniffing the grass. I was lost in my own thoughts. Thinking about the disaster my life had become. Why had I shown up last night at the penthouse? I had gone there out of empathy and sadness for Jackson, who was effectively being cut out of the only family he knew. But seeing him had done something to me. I had absolutely no control around the man. He felt like oxygen to my starved brain and heart.
I shook my head. I hated myself for going there. I hated myself even more for leaving. Now I was avoiding Irene and Matt. I had ignored half a dozen texts and two phone calls from them, and now I was avoiding the hospital. I knew I needed to face the music at some point, but I was so unbelievably tired these days. I just wanted to lie in bed and sleep my problems away.
Problems that wouldn’t go away. Jackson would be leaving New York in four short weeks to go back to his life. Once I broke things off from Matt, it was safe to say that I would never see either of them again. The past few weeks without Jackson had reminded me of the weeks after my granny had died. Grey and barren. I had a glimpse of how my future was unfolding out in front of me. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to withstand the crush of how lonely it woul
d be.
I didn’t even see him. One minute I was wrapped in my own thoughts and then he was standing there. I stopped walking. I took in his appearance. The man looked rough. Angry. He wore dirty jeans and an old black jean jacket. His black hair was slicked back off his harsh features. His dark eyes were cold as he took me in.
“You out for a walk?” he stepped forward and knelt over Chloe. He held her face too hard as she worked to back away from his touch.
I pulled her leash and tried to step around him.
His grip was like steel on my arm. “Where do you think you are going?”
“My husband is waiting for me,” my voice faltered over my lie. Terrible thoughts ran through my mind as I tried to remember all the steps from my defence class.
He gave a harsh laugh and grabbed me hard. “I don’t think so.”
I dropped Chloe’s leash and used both arms to push against his chest. “What are you doing?”
“You look like a nice piece of tight ass,” his eyes raked over my body. “Not like those whores I'm usually with.”
My eyes darted around, as I tried to find another human being in the area. There was no one. The place was deserted. Chloe was gone. She had taken off at an alarming rate back to the loft. Tears blurred my eyes. I made a move to run but he yanked me back so hard I lost my balance.
“Leave me alone,” I said through clenched teeth.
His hand connected with my cheek with such force I saw stars. And then his hand came back the other way, hitting my face so forcefully it knocked me off my feet. Gravel was digging in my hands as I turned and tried to crawl away. I felt his grip on my hips and then I was kicking and screaming. I had visions of this man hurting me, raping me, killing me.
“That’s it,” he said, yanking me hard. “I love it when they fight. Nothing turns me on more.”
My arms and my hands beat at him, trying to scratch, claw, connect with something. He tossed me so hard to the ground, the breath knocked out of me. I lay there on my side, struggling to get breath into my lungs, but my rib cage refused and I wheezed and gasped, unable to breathe I was so winded.
I felt him kneel over me and then he was ripping my shirt wide open. Dirty hands pushed up beneath my bra and cold fingers pinched and dug into my breasts. My hands went up to his face. I managed to rake my nails down over the length of his face before he backhanded me. Pain exploded in my face. I tasted blood. Tears were blurring my vision. I heard him laugh and then his dirty hands were at my pants. Fighting my belt, greedy, yanking at it so hard, my hips lifted off the ground.
