by Lena North
“I'm gonna ask you a few things, and you're not going to like it, Annie,” Hawker suddenly rumbled.
I raised my brows and focused on breathing slowly, and evenly.
“Don’t push me,” I warned him.
“What?”
“I’m not good when I’m cornered.” I assured the room, “So if you push me into a corner, I’ll lash out and I’ll not be nice.” I turned to Snow, and said quietly, “I wasn’t nice to you yesterday, and I’m sorry.”
“You were right,” she said.
“I was, but I wasn’t nice about it, and I’m sorry about that.”
“I’ll live,” she said with a small grin.
“Yeah,” I said and turned back to Hawker. “I guess I can't stop you.”
“No,” Hawker said, and added, “I’ve been a cop a long time.”
“Okay.”
“Learned to listen for a few things,” he went on.
“Okay,” I repeated, knowing exactly where he was going with his questions.
It wasn’t something I was ashamed of, but I hadn’t planned on talking about it either.
“You said Nicky would think it was a benefit to be the professor’s favorite, but it was clear that you didn’t think so. And you said Cameron shouted at you about how you were his. And you –”
“Don’t feel sorry for me,” I interrupted, and his face softened, but it was suddenly full of compassion.
“Annie,” he murmured.
“I wasn’t abused,” I said. “Not the way you think. They never touched me.” I took a deep breath and told them on the exhale, “They touched themselves though.”
“Jesus,” Nick growled.
“How can you say that you weren't abused,” Jinx exploded, and there was a flurry of movement in the room.
“Please, everyone, calm down,” I pleaded. “Of course, it was abuse. I know that it was. What I meant was that it wasn’t worse abuse than the other things they did.”
“Of co –”
“Nicky, don’t,” I warned. “I was there, remember?”
He clamped his jaws together and glared at me.
“It wasn’t… They just liked it when I was vulnerable, and even more when they thought I was afraid.”
“Did By know?” Nick asked.
“I didn’t dare to tell him. He would have killed them,” I said.
“Anyone of us would have,” he said.
I wondered if I should tell them everything and decided I probably should. Silence had only gotten me in trouble so far.
“Not everyone,” I said slowly. “Jamie didn’t.”
“What!?”
“He saw it. They’d strapped me to a bench with leather cuffs, and had sensors inserted in my temples. Images were flashing, and there was some kind of high pitched sound. The professor had let Cam in, told him he was supervising. That he was in charge. Jamie walked by, stopped and watched through a window.”
“He couldn’t have understood…” Nick said hoarsely.
“Nick, please. He was fourteen, and he was watching someone who had his pants down by his ankles. He knew what Cam was doing.”
“I’ll kill him for this,” Nick growled.
“No, please. I didn’t tell you so you could all be angry with Jamie. You know how it was in that place, Nicky. How we were. We were so… gone. All of us. Jamie registered what was happening, but he couldn't have done anything. I actually think…”
“What?” Nick asked quietly.
“I think maybe he was watching to make sure Cam would stay away from me. If Cam had moved, he might have tried to break down the door, or… I don’t know.”
I sighed and shrugged my shoulders slightly.
“It wasn’t the worst thing that happened in that place, you both know that,” I said to Nick and Jinx. Then I turned to Dante and Snow. “You know it too.”
“Yeah,” Dante said quietly. “We know.”
Olly suddenly shot out of his chair and marched out of the room without a word. I stared at his back and started to move too.
“I’ll go,” Mac murmured.
“Okay,” I said because I had no right to insist I should be the one calming the furious man down. “Let me know if…”
“I will,” he said reassuringly.
The room was silent, and I smiled at them.
“Please. Don't be like this. You must have known bad shit happened in the program, and since I was there, then bad shit happened to me.”
“That’s why he’s still chasing you,” Jinx said. “That’s why he killed his brother.”
“Probably.”
“How can you be so calm?” Wilder asked. “I want to rip out his intestines and make him eat them.”
Well, that was gross.
“Years of therapy,” I said.
“You went to therapy?”
“Sure,” I said. “Didn’t any of you?”
There was a long silence, and then Mary cleared her throat.
“I did. Or… no, not really. They made me, when my parents died, but I thought it was mostly shit, so I didn't talk to them.”
Oh.
“Sloane said I needed it,” Hawker muttered. “Years ago.”
“I like Sloane,” I said.
“I like Sloane too,” he said, but added, “Still, didn’t go.”
“None of you did?”
“Useless,” Nick chuckled.
“But –”
I was completely stunned. They had all gone through various difficulties, and not one of them had gotten professional help?
Before I could question their intelligence levels, the vulture called out to me.
“The man is angry, Annie. He won’t listen to reason.”
I was up on my feet and moving even before Wilder straightened.
“Mac needs help,” she said. “Olly is tearing down the barn for real this time.”
I didn’t hesitate. Before the others were at the door, I was down the porch steps and running. The wide door was open, and I ran through it. Olly was standing in the middle of the room with an iron bar in his hand, and he was about to swing it at a retreating Mac. His eyes were completely black, and he made a low, hoarse sound.
“Annie, stay back,” Hawker barked.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I snapped right back and started walking across the floor.
The black eyes focused on me, and he made another guttural sound.
“Hey,” I said.
“Annie, don’t,” Mac murmured, but I’d had enough.
It had been a couple of difficult days, and everything we’d just talked about bubbled through me like a hot flow of undiluted anger.
“Back off, Mac,” I snarled. “If you for one second think he’d hurt me then you are so dumb you could take math-lessons from sheep.”
Then I ignored everyone and kept walking.
“Olly,” I said. “Calm down a bit.”
He moved the iron bar to his other hand and snorted out air through gritted teeth.
“Calm down now,” I repeated.
I had almost reached him when he took a quick step forward and grabbed my thick braid. Someone screamed when he pulled me toward him and used his grip on my hair to tilt my head back. I smiled at the man holding me because he wasn't hurting me. His hold was gentle, and I wasn't afraid.
“I’ll tell the others to leave, Olly,” I said softly. “Okay?”
His nod was almost imperceptible, but it was there.
“Everyone, please leave.”
“You sure, Annie?” Hawker asked calmly.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I told him. “Just leave.”
“Everyone, out,” Hawker ordered, and added, “Now.”
We stood still until I heard the sliding door close behind me and then I moved a little to put my arms around his waist.
“Calm down now, Olly,” I murmured.
He didn’t move and didn't seem
to even breathe, so I leaned back to put my hand on his cheek.
“Olly,” I said again and caressed his cheek softly. “Just breathe with me.”
When I inhaled again, he did too and slowly the tension in his arms seemed to ease. The iron bar fell to the floor, and his eyes were suddenly the soft brown color I loved so much.
“Shit,” he said and stepped back a few steps.
“Oll –”
“You should leave,” he said hoarsely.
“What?”
“You’ve had a monster in your life already,” he roared. “You don’t need another one.”
“You’re not a monster.”
“I could have killed you.”
“No,” I said
“Yes, Annie, I could have. Easily.”
“No,” I repeated.
He watched me silently and then he said calmly, “I don’t want you. Please leave.”
“Olly…”
“I'm not interested. It was fun, but it isn’t anymore. Just leave.”
He made an impatient sound as he turned away, but he wasn’t moving fast enough. I caught a glimpse of his face.
“When I get out of bed tomorrow morning you’d better be gone. I don’t want to see you ever again,” he snarled.
I straightened my back and stared at him.
“I know what you’re doing Olly, but you don’t have to –”
“You don’t know me. Just leave me the hell alone,” he roared.
“I know exactly who you are, and have known for a lot of years, and I still came here. You don’t want me, fine. Don’t hide behind stupidity.”
“Fuck you,” he snarled. “I got what I want out of you by now.”
It took a lot to make me angry for real, but he’d managed to do it with that comment.
“You can go to hell,” I said loudly. “I know what you’re doing, and why, and let me tell you – I never thought you’d be such a coward.”
“Get –”
“I won’t wait for you, and I will make sure I’m happy.”
“Out –”
“You need to sort yourself out, Olly. I’ve had enough so I won’t bang also this right out of you,” I snapped. “I'll text you a number. Call it, and she will find help for you.”
“Get out!”
“Sort yourself out, Olly. It's a waste of a man I have in front of me, and that's sad. He could have been beautiful.”
I had nothing left to say, so I turned and walked to the sliding door. It snagged as usual but I pushed hard, and it flew open. Without turning, I walked across the open area to the main house.
“Annie,” Wilder said, half jogging next to me.
“I will leave,” I said. “I do not want to talk, not now. Please give me that?”
“Okay,” she said.
“He needs help, Wilder,” I said. “Maybe you can give it to him, but I can’t.”
Without another word, I walked into my room and locked the door. Then I pulled out the phone and listened to a familiar voice.
“Ma,” I said, and then the tears came. “I’ve messed up.”
It took her an hour to calm me down, and she asked what felt like a million questions. I heard my father on and off in the background, at first asking her what was going on and then snapping out his frustration about being so far away.
When I was all cried out, and mostly felt tired, she asked me gently what I would do.
“I guess I’ll go home,” I sighed. “I’ll get on my bike first thing tomorrow morning.”
Fresh tears started to run down my cheeks when I thought about Olly calmly repairing my cruiser from the damage he’d done to it. Stupid, stupid man, I thought.
“That's good,” she said. “You need to feel safe, and someone needs to take care of you. Gideon will handle everything.”
I blinked and stared out into the dark night, suddenly feeling like a child running home when things got tough. I’d also been a burden to them for too long.
“Maybe I’ll go somewhere else. I could go abroad for a while,” I said slowly, not entirely sure where I could go because she was right. I needed to be safe. “I am not a child.”
“Of course not,” she said, clearly trying to humor me. “Think about it, baby, and let us know what you decide.”
“Okay,” I murmured.
“Don’t worry, love. With or without him… You will be fine again.”
“I know,” I said, and that was such a lie.
I’d held on to a silly hope that we’d get through this, but he’d killed it with his words in the barn. It felt like I’d never be happy again in my life.
“I love you, baby-girl,” she said.
“I love you too, Ma,” I murmured, and that wasn’t a lie.
“You’ll stay safe?” she added quietly.
“Yes,” I assured her. “Totally.”
Then she made a few silly kissing noises, interrupted by my father butting in to do the same. I was smiling when I closed the call, but my happiness faded away with the realization that I didn’t know where to go. I’d stayed with my grandfather until I came to Double H, and I had my own apartment, so I’d kind of been living on my own, but I mostly had my meals at the big house, with him and anyone else in the family who’d happened to be at home.
I could go to my parents’ place in Prosper, although one of my brothers was there and he would be angry on my behalf. I didn’t feel like dealing with his anger. Perhaps I could ask Jinx about the hotel they’d started in Marshes, I thought. I just needed somewhere to be for a couple of days so I could figure out where to go and how to make it safe.
I jumped when my phone beeped.
“Please call me when you can. //Sven”
I swallowed and pressed the button to call him, worried that receiving a text so late meant something was wrong. It turned out that he was okay but lonely. He was also worried about both his son and me, so he was planning to visit Double H. I told him I was leaving, and that the kind of words Olly and I exchanged meant we weren’t currently on speaking terms. When I added that we likely wouldn’t be talking in the foreseeable future, Sven immediately told me to come to Norton. He didn't ask me or even invite me.
“Get your butt on your bike right now, and come to Norton, Annie.”
That's what he said, and I protested, but he explained calmly how a few days away from everyone would be good. I tried again to protest, but before I knew what happened I’d agreed to visit him, and it felt like a weight had eased off my shoulders. I’d go to Norton for a few days, to figure out what to do next. After that, I could go home, or abroad, or wherever. I packed my bags quickly, wrote a short note to Wilder, and tip-toed out of the house. The front door opened when I started the bike but I just raised my hand in a silent farewell, and then I was on the road.
“Where are you going?”
I jolted when the bird suddenly spoke to me, and it took a few seconds to steady the bike.
“I can’t talk to you,” I thought, hoping he’d hear me.
“But –”
“No. He needs you, and I shouldn't have talked to you behind his back in the first place. We were wrong, and you have to tell him you're sorry.”
The bird said something else but I closed my mind so I wouldn't hear him, and after a while, he stopped trying. The night was cold, and I had some distance to cover but it felt like no time at all had passed when I turned down the gravel road leading to their old farmhouse. The light was on in the kitchen, and when I got off my bike, the front door was swung open, and a big man stepped out.
“Annie,” he said quietly.
I walked straight into Sven's arms, and then the tears came again.
Chapter Eleven
Hiding in plain sight
I woke up wondering if I’d gone insane. What had I been thinking, going to Sven’s home like that in the middle of the night? I made my mind up to leave immediately and walked downstairs with four
carefully devised but still eminent reasons for why it would make sense for me to go.
The kitchen was anticlimactically empty, but there was a note on the table.
“Decided to visit the school today. Coffee maker is set, remember to eat breakfast. It’s so good to have you here. Sven.”
Well shit.
My excellent arguments went straight out the window, so I flipped the switch and stood there in the house where Olly had grown up, watching the coffee drip slowly into the glass pot. The scent of caffeine filled the kitchen, and I thought things through while I waited, rearranging my plans and wondering what the hell I was doing.
The more I thought about it, I knew I couldn’t leave. Sven had reached out to me because he’d been lonely and worried, and now he was writing sweet notes and visiting the school where he worked. It took a while, but I accepted eventually that I didn't want to leave either. For so many years, I'd been sheltered by my family in my grandfather's home. Now someone needed me instead, and it felt sweet. I told myself that staying was all about the older man and his grief, and that it had absolutely nothing to do with his son, which was at least partially true. If Olly wasn’t heading home, I could easily hide at the farm a couple of days. I'd make sure Sven felt better. Then I’d go somewhere far away for a couple of months. Then I’d see. Jinx and I might manage to figure out where Cameron was hiding, or else Hawker would catch him. If Cam was in prison, I could settle in Prosper. No, I decided, not Prosper. It was too big, to… busy. A smaller town like Treville would be better.
I brought my coffee with me to sit outside in an enormous flannel jacket which I suspected was Olly’s. I cried a little, cursing at the same time because I felt silly and stupid. The way I’d approached the group had been dumb, and it hadn’t worked out. Olly had overreacted in a big way, though, and when I stopped crying, I cursed him instead. The big, fat jerk.
“Hey.”
The voice sounded so much like Olly that I gasped, but it was his father.
“Didn’t mean to startle you,” he said and held out the coffee pot toward me. “Refill?”
I nodded, and he sat down next to me.
