Suddenly, it hit him that he’d never done anything for her either. Brought her flowers. Taken her to a movie. Something. Her phone let out a single ping and she let go of his hand to check it.
“Oh. Right. Reminder to pick up a present for Jade’s shower. I forgot all about it. Ever since that day in TJ Maxx…” she trailed off, tucked the phone back in her bag with a shudder.
The day he’d blasted her between the eyes with both barrels. The day he’d told her she didn’t deserve to have kids.
Jade. He remembered that name. One of her circle. These people were important to her. Her mother’s sorority sisters and their children.
The cab pulled to the curb and he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze before climbing out and unloading his precious cargo.
Chapter Eleven
‡
The hospital gave Kara the willies.
She’d been here twice in all the years she’d lived in New York. The first time was a similarly desperate cab ride while she was in labor and dressed to the nines for a holiday party she’d gotten to enjoy for all of twenty minutes before her water broke. And the second time was Nadia’s ambulance ride.
Reid carefully strapped Nadia into her stroller, pushed it through the automatic double doors. At the main desk, he asked for Doctor Tully, and they were directed to take the elevator to the eleventh floor. Tension radiated off him in waves, and she wanted to tell him to leave, this wasn’t his fight.
But she wanted him to stay. She wished Nadia were his. With all her heart, she wished it.
They were the only ones on the elevator—unusual for a New York City hospital on any given day. She fought the ridiculous urge to laugh when she wondered if it was a sign. Oh, why hadn’t she called Laney? She needed her sister, her family around her right now. And Al, who always knew where to look for—and find—comfort.
She wondered if the eleventh floor had any meaning. When she’d given birth to Nadia, they’d assigned her to room six eighteen—her mother’s birthday. But eleven?
Nothing.
Oh, Mom, she prayed. Please, please help me.
Reid chose that precise moment to turn to her and flash the full grin, the one that revealed teeth, the one her sister and her friends would have dubbed PD—panty-dropping. He was dressed in cargo shorts, a loose T-shirt and sported a day’s scruff under eyes that bore the effects of a sleepless night.
And still, he stopped her heart.
The elevator doors slid open. Reid pushed Nadia’s stroller down the corridor, around wheelchairs and carts holding everything from linens to food.
“Hey, Bennett, good to see you.” A tall man wearing a lab coat extended his hand, grinning at Reid. He turned to Kara. “Hi. Sean Tully.”
“Hey, Doc. This is Kara Larsen and her daughter, Nadia.”
Kara found her voice. “Thank you so much for seeing us today, Dr. Tully. I don’t think I can close my eyes until I know for sure.”
Dr. Tully shook Kara’s hand. He was young, probably not much older than she was. He had a small lion clipped to the stethoscope looped around his neck. When he crouched down to make a funny face at Nadia, Kara was immediately at ease. “Come on into my office. Reid emailed me some of the details. Maybe you can fill in the blanks?”
He led them into a carpeted office, and indicated a small sofa against a wall instead of the huge desk that dominated the room. Framed diplomas hung on the wall above the desk. By the computer, a tiny skeleton stood, suspended from a hook. Kara and Reid sat side by side, but Nadia began to fuss in her stroller. Before Kara could distract her, Dr. Tully took the lion off his stethoscope and handed it to her while Kara relayed everything Steve had told her.
Dr. Tully took her back through her pregnancy and delivery, Nadia’s health history including that frantic ambulance ride for croup, her immunization records, and her developmental milestones. He took the stethoscope off his neck, inserted the ear pieces and listened to Nadia’s heart and lungs.
He grabbed a pediatric blood pressure cuff from his desk and wrapped it around Nadia’s arm. “Ninety-five over sixty-seven.”
“Is that bad?”
Reid squeezed Kara’s hand, shook his head. “It’s fine.”
“COA patients tend to have high blood pressure, so this is good.
Kara’s heart lifted.
He repeated the blood pressure procedure on Nadia’s leg. Nadia fussed and threw the lion on the floor.
“Hey.” Reid held up a finger and looked stern. The baby’s lip jutted out in a pout, but she settled down. Kara stared at him in amazement. She’d never seen her daughter respond like that.
“Eighty over sixty.”
Reid’s face went blank and Kara’s stomach jumped to her throat. “What? What is it? What does this mean?”
“Kara, it doesn’t mean anything, not by itself.” Dr. Tully took the stethoscope out of his ears, gave Nadia back the lion toy. “Has Nadia been diagnosed with a heart murmur?”
“What? No!”
Dr. Tully sighed. “I’d like to get her in for some more tests. Ideally, a chest x-ray, but at her age, she’ll never sit for it unless we sedate her. I’d like to do an echocardiogram as soon as possible. That will tell us if her heart is enlarged and confirm the presence of a murmur.”
Kara swallowed. “Confirm it?”
Nodding, Dr. Tully nodded. “It’s faint, maybe a grade one, but it’s there and ordinarily, I wouldn’t be concerned about it, but given her father’s medical history, it’s worth a closer look.”
Reid’s phone buzzed. He gave Kara’s knee a pat and stepped outside to answer the call.
*
“Hey, Reid, you busy?” Gene asked.
“Yeah, what’s up?” Reid strode across the corridor to a tiny waiting area boasting a flat panel TV hanging on the wall and a small selection of toys and books for young children.
“Oh. Uh, nothing. Just wondered if you were up for another try with Vickie’s cousin? She’s coming up from Atlanta for—”
“No.”
“Jeez. Okay, man. You don’t need to bite my head off. What’s up with you? Are you…are you at the hospital?” Gene asked as a PA system paged someone stat.
“Yeah. Kara’s kid.” Reid sank into a plastic chair, read the sports stats crawling by on the flat panel TV bolted at the top of a wall.
“Kara’s kid. So you’re off the market? You’re in this thing with Kara all the way?”
“No. Yes. Christ, I don’t know.” And before Reid could stop it, he was blurting it all out, every stupid twisted word.
“So let me get this straight,” Gene interrupted when he reached the part about the heart defect. “The guy that left Kara pregnant suddenly shows up because Mommy’s in a padded room and he figures he can have a life now and then adds, Oh by the way, your daughter may have this life-threatening heart defect?”
“Yeah.”
“That is seriously whacked.”
Reid would have gone with a different phrase, but whacked worked too.
“Okay, Bennett, I have to ask. With baby daddy back in the picture, where do you fit in?”
Reid shifted the phone to his other hand. “It’s…complicated.”
Gene cursed. “Come on, man, you’re not an idiot. She’s got a kid with that douche. No matter how whacked he is—that puts him in a different category than you.”
Reid’s muscles coiled. Gene wasn’t wrong. So why the hell did that piss him off? “You were the one who told me to go for it.”
“Yeah, that was before! Can you honestly tell me you don’t already love her little girl?”
Reid’s eyes slipped shut. “I gotta go.” He spotted a book on the floor, under a chair. He crouched down and reached for it.
“Reid, wait. I’m sorry, buddy. Just…just be careful, okay? You’re like the son I never had.”
A laugh snorted out of him. They were the same age. “Okay. Dad.” He rolled his eyes.
“Suck me,” Gene said and ended the call.
/> Reid stared at the book in his hands and then at Dr. Tully’s office. He did love that little girl, God help him. And if he were being completely honest, he was in love with her mother, too. A man would have to be dead not to love Kara Larsen. But Reid was a realist. Losing Erin taught him that love doesn’t fix everything and in some extreme cases, makes the broken things a hell of a lot worse.
It was because he loved her that he did not go back inside that room.
Chapter Twelve
‡
An hour later, a knock on the door had Kara’s heart leaping. She’d wondered if Reid had been called in to work. But it wasn’t Reid who walked in.
“Lucas. What—” A wave of emotions surged through her. Relief and joy and love. A second later, Luke’s best friend, Al, followed him.
“Reid called Elena, she called us.”
“Oook!” Nadia, naked except for her diaper, kicked her pudgy legs and wiggled to get to her new uncle. Luke took the happy toddler from her mother, a frown furrowing his brow.
Al put an arm around Kara. “What’s going on?”
“Oh, Al.” The emotions she’d felt a second ago gave way to panic and despair. Tears choked her, but Kara explained everything.
“COA,” Luke repeated. “Jesus Christ, Kara! Why did you not call us?” Luke demanded.
Kara shook her head. “You have your own things to worry about. I didn’t want to add—”
“Bull—”
“Luke!” Al cut him off with a pointed look at the baby in his arms and Lucas sighed.
“Okay. Okay, I’m sorry, but you’re on your own when Elena gets here. She’s bringing the girls.”
Thunderstruck, Kara stammered, “She…wait, what?”
“You heard me. As soon as Reid called, she started a damn phone tree.”
“Oh, God.” She closed her eyes, swallowing the nausea burning at the back of her throat. Reid had called her sister. Her sister would call everybody and then they’d know. They’d all know how completely useless she was as a mother. Why would he do that to her? And why didn’t he come back? Kara’s hands began to tremble. She was cold. She was so cold.
Dr. Tully walked back into the office, raised his eyebrows at the two new faces. Lucas and Al introduced themselves. “Okay, did Kara fill you in?”
“No. She didn’t.” Luke glared at her. “All I know is my niece may have some kind of heart defect?”
“We’re going to run a few tests to rule out her father’s condition. I need to sedate her so we’re just running the clock for a few hours, waiting until she’s digested her breakfast.”
“Tests? What kind of tests?” Luke handed Nadia to Al and sat beside Kara. He took one of her hands, sandwiched it between his and rubbed warmth back into it. She wanted to tell him not to bother because she was pretty sure she’d never feel warm again. Her heart was slowly breaking, one tiny fragment at a time.
Like eggshells. It always used to annoy her when those stupid hardboiled shells came off one tiny piece at a time and—Oh, God, she was officially losing her mind. She was completely useless as a parent. Dr. Tully’s voice sounded like it was far, far away and she was thinking about hardboiled hearts.
“…an echocardiogram and a chest x-ray.”
Kara focused on the conversation around her, felt Lucas tense.
“I thought x-rays were bad for kids this little?”
“If the echo is clean, we won’t need the x-ray.”
“Will you have the results immediately?” he asked, his jaw tight. He was truly worried, bless him. She’d have welcomed anyone her sister had married, but Luke was truly family.
Dr. Tully pressed his lips together. “It’s possible. But I need to have a surgeon consult.”
Kara lifted her head. “Surgeon?”
“A precaution. A second opinion.”
The door opened and a woman in scrubs poked her head in. “We’re ready for you, Dr. Tully.”
“Okay.” He extended his hand to Kara. “Are you ready to do this?”
There was a buzzing in her head, a kind of white noise that seemed to drown everything else out. All she could hear was Nadia. She picked up her daughter, grabbed her bag from the stroller handle and followed Dr. Tully.
He turned back to Luke and Al. “There’s a waiting area across the hall. We’ll find you there.”
“I’m coming with them,” Lucas insisted.
“Luke—” Kara began.
“I’m coming.”
Al thumped Lucas on the back. “I’ll coordinate from here.” He waved his cell phone.
*
In an empty room, Dr. Tully gave Nadia a sedative to drink in a little cup, and turned to a computer on a cart beside the bed. Whatever the stuff in the cup was, Nadia liked it and wanted more. Kara wished they had some for Mommy, too. Her heart was thudding out of her ribcage and her whole body started to throb to the beat. She felt sick inside, down to the bone. She couldn’t lose her daughter. No. It wasn’t…it just wasn’t possible. Healthy babies don’t simply die.
Reid. Reid lost his daughter.
A sob bubbled up and Luke’s arm came around her, held tight. “First step, Kara. This is only the first step. Whatever happens here, it is absolutely not the end, understand?”
Through blurry eyes, she looked at him. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Ma,” Nadia whined and dropped her head onto Kara’s breast. The sedative was already working.
“It’s okay, Milk Dud. It’ll be okay.” Kara paced with the baby on her shoulder, rocking her gently and humming to her.
“Kara.” Dr. Tully turned. “Even if we do find COA, it can be corrected with surgery. It doesn’t have to be a life lived inside bubble wrap.”
Bubble wrap. Kara suddenly remembered the hole Nadia almost put in the wall and how she’d briefly considered wallpapering the apartment with rolls of it. That felt like centuries ago now.
“Kara,” Lucas whispered. “She’s out.”
“Yeah. Okay.” Carefully, Kara put her precious angel on the bed, covered her with her favorite blanket and brushed the curls from her face.
Dr. Tully shifted the blanket, fastened electrodes to Nadia’s little chest. “This won’t hurt her, Kara. It’ll take about forty minutes or so.” He squirted some ultrasound gel onto her chest and began running a wand over it. The computer on the cart recorded the readings, and he occasionally clicked buttons on the keyboard, freezing certain images, changing parameters.
The sound of Nadia’s heart filled the room and Kara closed her eyes for a moment, listening to it, memorizing it, absorbing it. Then she watched Dr. Tully’s face for frowns, smiles, concern—any sign at all. But it revealed nothing. Back and forth, over and over, he moved the wand over the baby’s heart, the minutes dragging by so slowly, Kara was sure time had stopped.
“Okay, Mommy. That’s it. You can redress her.”
“And? Did you find anything?”
Dr. Tully shook his head. “Kara, I can only tell you this. There is a heart murmur. Whether it’s COA, well, I really need to consult with the surgeon.”
“When will you know?”
“Redress the baby and we’ll talk back in my office. I’ll have him paged while you’re doing that, okay?”
She wanted to grab Dr. Tully by his lapels and shake him. He needed to understand, this was her baby’s life, this was her life because without Nadia in it—oh, God. Oh, God!
“Hey, hey, it’s okay, Kara.” Lucas must have seen evidence of her impending breakdown because suddenly he was right there, folding her into his arms. “Dr. Tully will do what he has to so you can get answers right away. You need to hold it together just a little longer, okay, honey?”
Frantically, she nodded, fought down the panic and hopelessness that had her by the throat.
“Where are her clothes?”
“Um. In her bag.”
Lucas found Nadia’s little pants and top with the flowers that Reid had put on her that morning. A cold ball of dread spun in her gut.
Where was Reid? Luke’s phone buzzed just as he got Nadia’s top tugged down. “Elena’s here, Kara. And she’s brought reinforcements.” He picked up her still sleeping daughter and flashed her the smile that made her sister fall in love with him. “You’re not alone in this anymore.”
She managed a convincing smile as Lucas cradled Nadia’s head against his shoulder and headed for the door.
She picked up her baby bag and was about to follow when she spotted Nadia’s favorite blanket on the floor. She scooped it up, stuffed it in the bag and left the room, and shook her head because Luke was wrong.
Alone was all she was ever going to be.
Chapter Thirteen
‡
The sun was shining and a soft breeze blew over the September 11th Memorial. Reid looked out over the twin pools, all that was left of the tall buildings that once occupied those spaces, and talked to his brother. “Kyle. Tell me what to do.” He wanted Kara but knew damn well he didn’t deserve her. She needed someone who could be a true father to Nadia, someone who could give them everything he had without holding back.
Someone else who would make blanket forts with Nadia. Someone else who would make love to Kara every damn night. He wanted to tear the limbs off the figure of his imagination.
Serves you right for running.
Reid’s head snapped up. Embarrassment battled with fury and Reid’s jaw clenched.
Running. The word made Reid cringe in humiliation. He was a trained first responder, for God’s sake. The only running he did was toward danger, not away from it. But run was exactly what he’d done. He didn’t deserve Kara. He didn’t deserve either of them. “Look, you know me, Kyle. Better than anybody. I’m not one of those guys who’s into all that feeling his feelings crap, okay? Kara needs someone who can take care of Nadia.”
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