I swung open the door.
“Are you okay?” he yelped.
“I’m fine,” I answered. I knew I’d treated him like shit, and I needed to explain—and apologize. But right then, I had to get to Mal.
“Thank God! I saw the whole thing on the news just now.” He stood between me and the door.
So after all I’d done, he still cared. Maybe I could make amends with him too.
“I’ve got to go to Mal’s—quick,” I said. Then I remembered. I had no driver’s license. “Will you drive me?”
“Of course.”
“Good. I’ve got a lot to say to you, Finn. We’ll talk on the way.” I called out, “I’m going to Mal’s.”
As we darted through the door, starting our dash to the parking lot, I heard Mom shout, “Jacob, come back here. You’re in no condition….” And the last of her sentence was lost to me because we were long gone.
We jumped into the ’Stang, I gave directions, and he headed to Mal’s.
“I can’t believe you care, after how I’ve treated you.” The guy must be a masochist to be not only sitting here beside me but also driving me to a stranger’s house. He sat, beaming in his goofy way. That made what I had to say much easier, but I still found myself groping for words.
“Look, Finn, I’m sorry. I’ve treated you like crap.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Jake. I came on a little strong, I think. It was the pressure of being in a new town, new situation. I can get crazy. Just ask Alex. In fact, she gave me hell when I told her how I forced that kiss on you. But I love her.”
The mention of her name struck a blow. “Alex. I’m going to need to do some apologizing there too.”
“She’s cool, Pod. I talked to her after I saw the news. She’s the one who told me to go to you. Years of facing up to who you are and then transitioning has given her a very thick skin. She knows most people don’t understand. Or agree. That girl can talk your arm off if you let her. She’ll school you around to understanding.”
“I already understand a lot more than I did yesterday, Finn. But back to us, I didn’t run away the other night because you’re gay. I ran because I’m gay.”
“Come again?” Finally, I’d wiped the goofy grin from his face.
“I came to realize I was gay about a year ago. I pushed the thought away, but it kept coming back. I couldn’t wrap my head around it, being gay, maybe being expelled for it, losing my team. It was so much to absorb that I jumped into a deep, deep well of denial. That only made me more confused because you can’t explain away how you are to yourself, and you can’t just pretend you’re not what you don’t want to be. I was stuck. Trying to accept, trying to believe I could change, trying to just push it all away and forget it.” I expelled a rush of air. “Am I making sense, or am I just spouting words here?”
“Sense. I know what denial is. Big-time. I’ve had to do a lot of justifying to get through this move.”
That was the first time he’d ever said anything about how he felt about moving to Houston. Oh, he’d said he was glad to leave Utah, but deep down, leaving the familiar to go into the unknown has to be a trial. It was then I had newfound respect for him. We all have our hurts, and I had been so focused on mine, I didn’t see his.
“Well, buddy, I plan to be here for you from now on. I’m going to see you—and Alex—through. It will be hard starting over for both of you, and I will be your rock to stand on.” I heard how corny that sounded as soon as it left my lips.
“Well, as flat as the land is around here, it’ll be easier to see things if I’m standing on something m’ friend.” Could the boy get any goofier?
And my mind had to get back to the gay thing.
“Finn, getting back to my revelation. They kept happening.”
“Huh?”
“The locker room stiffies. I finally had to delay my own showers until the new guy was finished. And then, if my mind wandered, in class, at home, in bed at night, I would get hard just thinking about him.”
“I know what you mean. Been there, done that.”
“Well, you’re not a basketball player headed to a scholarship. This was affecting my game. And I had no one to talk to about it. The guys on the team would have, at best, razzed me constantly, and at worst, pushed me away. The coach, believe me, would not have understood. Not one bit. And the school? Oh my God. Instant expulsion. I was a basket case. My dad—who is gay too, but I didn’t know it then—was in Philly. You can’t talk about something as heavy as that on the phone or in email, even if I’d wanted to talk to him.”
“Wait a minute. Back up. Your dad’s gay?”
“Yeah. I didn’t have a clue until I found out this summer, on our trip. He kept his secret for years. That was why they divorced. And my mother knew it and never told me, either.”
“Damn! You must have been a wreck when you met me. Dealing with two lying parents.”
“Believe me, I was. I had pretty much decided to cut my dad out of my life. But I had to live with my mom, so I needed to make the best of the situation with her. I knew from experience that agreeing with her is the easiest way out. But her current cause then was defeating HERO. How could a gay boy like me want that defeated?”
“I know what you’re talking about. But you weren’t as fully evolved, as they say, then, so don’t beat yourself up too much.”
“No, I wasn’t evolved much at all. And then I failed that driving test.”
“You failed your driving test? No wonder you went off the deep end.”
“I let that failure symbolize my whole life, and I wanted to hurt someone. Blame someone for the way I was. So I went to the rally, and you know what happened next.”
“I get it. Must have been the only way you could hold on to your sanity.”
How could he act so crazy and be so wise?
“You got it. By the time that rally came around, I’d decided being gay wasn’t such a bad thing. Mostly because my mom admitted she knew about me and wasn’t bothered by it.”
“Wow.”
“I know. I couldn’t ask for a better mother, could I?” Before he could answer, I plowed on, knee-deep in my story. “So, my mom joined that rally for two reasons. She was devoted to her pastor, and he was against HERO. But, as she admitted, she had nothing against gays. She, however, fully bought into the shit about men in women’s bathrooms.”
“That’s crap, Jake.”
“I know, I know. But I thought because of how she supported me, I had to support her. We’ve already established I was in a shitty state of mind. I convinced myself I was on the fence about the issue, and I was leaning to Mom’s side.”
“I fully understand. Bombing my driving test would have made me shoot up half of Salt Lake City.”
I didn’t want to go into why I failed and how I was so messed up about his kiss that I couldn’t concentrate, so I just answered, “Yeah. I was megapissed and wanted to kick butt. The butt nearest me turned out to be HERO supporters, and one in particular, the guy I tried to deck. His name’s D’Andre, and he’s a guy on my b-ball team.”
“Uh-oh. That’s not good.”
“I emailed an apology to him, but I don’t know if he’ll accept. I did let him know that, thanks to him, I was a totally changed guy. And I proposed an alliance—two gay guys trying to fight their way through school. But now it looks like we may both get kicked out. My very Christian school will not tolerate us if we come out. I can only hope that his going to the rally and being so vocal was his attempt at bursting out of the closet. If that’s the case, maybe he won’t hate me as much.”
“He won’t hate you. You’re too cute to hate.” He flashed a grin.
“From your mouth to D’s ears. But as you can see, I’ve got a lot of repairing to do.”
“Well, we’re okay, so quit worrying about that.” It was then I realized that I loved the guy. He was too amazing not to love.
“I’m glad to hear it. I can only hope you don’t change your mind aft
er you hear the next part. It gets worse. My dad is getting married this weekend to his boyfriend. And he wants me to be his best man.”
“Heavy. And you’re going?”
“I told him I wasn’t. Told him I wanted nothing to do with it. The self-hatred talking. Did a number on me. What a shit I am. I blew you off, went to that rally, coldcocked D—”
“You hit him first? That wasn’t in the news footage. Are you that homophobic?”
“I guess last night I was. But that’s not me, you gotta believe it. That was my self-hatred showing itself. I hated myself so much that I got all het up and joined a stupid cause. I wouldn’t blame you if you never forgave me for that. And I can’t believe the news didn’t catch me when I punched him. In answer to your first question, yeah, I did. And I’m not proud of myself. I’m just full of ‘I’m sorrys’ right now. And everyone I’ve hurt needs to hear them.”
“Well, you’ve made your amends to me, Jake.”
Amazing reaction from an amazing guy. He was incredible. After my abrupt rejection, after I’d shown all of Houston what a shit I could be, he still cared about me.
“Finn, the same God who turned me around also brought you to me. I don’t know if you and I are meant to be more than friends, but I hope more happens. You see, I think I’m in love with you.” I laughed.
“Why you laughin’?” There was hurt in his voice, and that drove a stake into my heart.
“Finn, I meant what I said. I was laughing at myself. I’ve come a long way in the last few days. I never thought I’d be able to say that to any guy.”
He reached over, brushed my cheek with the back of his hand. This was the first loving gesture I’d ever allowed from another guy, and it felt so beautiful. I couldn’t see how full-blown sex could make me feel any better than I felt then.
“I’m sure glad you’re here right here, right now.” He took his hand back.
“You know, this love of which you speak might just be your newfound understanding talking. You do realize that, don’t you?”
What was he getting at? I was ready to officially make him my boyfriend, and he asked a question like that?
“Look, Jake.” He continued. “I came on to you like gangbusters. I fell in love with you the first moment I saw you. Or at least I thought I did. And true confessions, I still think I’m in love with you.”
I smiled, relieved.
“But here’s the thing. You just came out of the closet. You barely know yourself. You can’t know if you’re in love with me. I might just be the nearest guy available.”
“Not true.”
“And I hope that’s what’s in your heart. Because I would like nothing more than that. But you know, Pod—” I liked he was back to calling me his pet name. “We’re both starting a whole new journey. We may stay on the same highway, or detours may raise their ugly heads. I hope this lasts. But if it doesn’t, promise we’ll stay friends.”
“Friendship is golden,” I said. Inside, I knew this was a lifetime we were talking about, and not just friendship but being in love with my best friend.
He flashed a twisted, tongue stuck out crazy-face at me. I burst into cleansing laughter.
Then I reached over, put my hand on his arm. Another first, a loving gesture I made toward another man.
“Listen, we’re gonna make a great couple. But you’re the first friend I made when I came to Houston—right now you’re the only one I’ve made—and nothing’s going to change that. If life throws us a curve ball, then I’ll be here to help you through when you find someone else to love on. Any way you look at it, we’ve got each other.”
“Thanks. I needed that.” And I really did. I wanted him to be my lover. I wanted our coupling to last forever. I knew it would. But I also knew that we were both vulnerable at that moment. He was new to Houston. I was new to being out. Anything could happen. But nothing could ever destroy our friendship.
“Now—what ya gonna do about this wedding?”
We had pulled up in front of Mal’s. “That’s what we’re here about.” I opened the car door. “Follow me.”
Mal must have seen me from the window because she came shouting down the sidewalk.
“Just get back in that car, Jacob Hardy. I don’t want to see you; I don’t want to talk to you; I don’t want to have anything to do with you.” She walked past me to Finn. “I’m Mallory. Good to meet you.”
“Finn,” he said, shaking her hand. I had two of the strangest friends any one guy could have.
She turned back to me, staring.
“Mal, please.”
She held up her hands. “Don’t please me, Jacob Elias Hardy. Obviously, we’ve never been on the same page when it comes to basic human rights. I can’t be friends with a guy like you. Just go away.” But she didn’t walk away. It was like she wanted me to explain. Or maybe it was my wishful thinking. I had to get her to listen to me.
“You’ve got it all wrong, Mal.”
“Yeah, sure. I saw the news. I see the bandage on your forehead. I see the black eye.”
“Okay, I admit that I got caught up in that rally thing. I went off the deep end this summer. Especially because I had to deal with it all alone. You weren’t here. I had no one to talk to. You would have told me I was thinking crazy.” I glanced over at Finn. “Sorry, guy. We’d just barely met.”
“Don’t mind me,” he said. “I’m just the driver.” And he smiled, so I knew I hadn’t offended him.
She started to say something.
“It wasn’t your fault. I’m aware of that. It was hard, you know, going through it all alone. But I learned a lot, and I know now you were right. You are always right. I was dead wrong. That thing you said about my holding stuff against my dad ever since the divorce?”
She didn’t nod or anything, so I just plowed on. “Well, it’s true. I didn’t really accept him and his life until this morning. Now I know why I did what I did, and I think I understand why he held so much from me. I even pretty much know why he clings to the Titanic stuff so much. We can discuss it soon, if you want. Right now, I just need you to forgive me for being a shit. I wanted to tell you that on the phone, but I got it all screwed up.” She hung up on me, but I was not about to say that if I wanted her to keep listening to me.
“So you don’t want to go to Halifax to ruin Brian’s wedding?”
“No. I want to go because I want to stand up for him, just like he asked me to. He invited you too. I want you there with me. I need your support. Go with me?”
Her eyes got brighter. Dawn arrived in her previously black night of the mind. She hugged me. “I’m proud of you.” Another tight squeeze.
Then she said into my ear, “Uh, Jake… we’re ignoring the big beautiful hunk of man candy.”
I’d momentarily forgotten Finn was left hanging, less than two feet from us.
“I know your name,” Mal said to Finn. “Now—just who are you?”
“Finn Sawyer, newly transplanted from Salt Lake City, already Texan, already bonded with your best friend here.” He loaded that word bonded so there was no question that we were a couple. Mal just nodded, a smirk on her face, so I knew she knew.
But time was a’wastin’.
“Finn, I need to see Grandma and Alex. Pronto.”
“Hop in, Pod and Podnette. The horses are all hitched up, the wagon wheels are greased, and I’m ready to drove. Is that what a drover does?”
I laughed at him. “That’s somebody who drives cattle, Finn.” Then I grabbed Mal.
“Come on. I’ve got more plans, and you need to be there.” So we all piled into the car, Finn taking the driver’s seat, Mal and I the back. As soon as we were settled and pulled away from the curb, Mal said, “I need to tell Mom where I am.” She took my phone and called her mother.
“Point me in the right direction, Jake.” I told him how to get to Grandma’s from there.
As Finn concentrated on driving, Mal said, “Now, back up. You want me to go to the wedding?”
“And you think my parents are going to buy me a last-minute plane ticket so I can fly off with you to Canada?”
I smiled at her smugly because I had a plan.
“All in good time, my pretty. Everything will become clear at Grandma’s,” I told her as I called up plane reservations on my cell.
“Who is this mysterious Grandma? Your only grandmother lives in Dallas. I didn’t sign on for a road trip.”
“She’s Finn’s grandma. And wait until you see where she lives. It will blow your mind.”
“What does she have to do with your dad’s wedding?” Mal did not like to be in the dark. I knew that about her.
“You’ll see. Just enjoy the scenery.” I leaned over the seat. “You know where you are now?”
“Figured it out a few blocks ago.”
“Good. And you think Grandma and Alex will be there?”
“I know they will. They’re expecting me for lunch.”
“Oh great. That’s all I need. Grandma getting pissed because you bring two extra mouths to feed.”
“Come on. You’ve met her. You think something like that would make her mad? Besides, you were invited. I just never had the chance to tell you.”
Mal leaned into me and stage-whispered, “You didn’t tell me he was a god. How’d you hook up your first time with an Abercrombie model?”
“I can hear you. I’m not deaf,” Finn singsonged from the front seat.
By then, we were on River Oaks Boulevard, and Mal’s mouth had dropped.
“Close your mouth, gal. We’re almost there.”
She whispered, “Am I dressed okay?”
“You look fine, Mallory.”
The guard at the gate waved us through. He was expecting us and had the gate open.
We barged through the front door without knocking. “Grandma, Alex, where you at?” Finn shouted.
“Quit shouting, Finny.” The voice came from the living room. “We’re in here, waiting for you.”
Mal and I trailed Finn as he went toward her voice. As we came through the doorway, Grandma leaped up. For an old lady, she had energy galore.
“Jake, I’m so glad you could make it.” She kissed me on the cheek. Then she eyed Mallory. “And who is this lovely creature?”
Titanic Summer Page 25
