I picked the woman with the kids. She was folding her dump truck worth of clothes at the folding table while her kids were playing on the floor with a ball of lint. I gave her my best I’m-not-crazy-face and said “Excuse me. Do you think I could borrow a cup of detergent from you? I forgot mine at home.”
“What the fuck does this look like? A charity?” she sneered.
Definitely not what I expected. “Um. . .”
“Maybe you should plan better next time. Get the fuck away from me.”
I can wash with just plain water, I thought as I slunk back to my washer and pushed my quarters into the slot.
“Hey.” I turned around to see the guy with the oversized headphones behind me. A very loud and heavy rap beat was bleeding from his headphones into the air around him. If it was this loud on the other side of the headphones, I was sure he was going to go deaf any minute now.
The volume of his speech confirmed that he was abusing his eardrums. “Hey. I heard what happened. Do you need some detergent? I have extra.” He shook his bottle of detergent at me.
How could you hear anything with your music that loud? I thought. Out loud, I said “Thanks,” and took his detergent from him. I poured a bit into my washer and hit the start button.
When I handed the bottle back to him, he put his hand over mine and said, “You have a nice selection of underwear.”
“Excuse me?” I don’t know why I said that. I had heard exactly what he said. He didn’t need to repeat it. It was completely unnecessary. He was talking so loud I could have heard him all the way back at my house.
But Headphones Guy got even louder. “I SAID ‘YOU HAVE A NICE SELECTION OF UNDERWEAR.’ I SAW IT WHEN YOU WERE PUTTING IT IN THE WASHER.”
I felt my face getting red. Everyone in the place was staring at us. “Get away from me.”
“Huh?”
I sighed. Of course he didn’t hear that. I raised my voice several notches. “I SAID ‘GET AWAY FROM ME.’”
Headphones Guy scowled at me and walked away. But not before yelling “THEY WEREN’T THAT NICE, BITCH.”
Now that I had established myself as one of the crazy people, I sat down on one of the plastic chairs lining the perimeter of the laundromat and waited. As I observed everyone, I noticed all of them sneaking glances back at me. There went my anonymity.
At some point, I guess I was getting too much attention for the drag queen to handle. She got up and started to do a little dance with the dog. The Laundromat Lady yelled “Hey! You can’t have a dog in here.”
“Fine,” said the drag queen with an attitude. She walked out the door with the dog, a huff, and a flourish. Through the big picture window, I could see her in the parking lot continuing her routine. For maybe ten minutes, she twirled and twirled with the dog. There were a few high kicks and she ended with a split. Then, she calmly put the dog down, straightened her dress, and started to walk away.
I hurried out into the parking lot and yelled after her. “Hey! You forgot your dog!”
The drag queen was already on the other side of the street by this time. She yelled back across the traffic “That’s not my dog. It was here when I got here.”
“Wait. You can’t leave him!”
“Sure, I can.” The drag queen walked away. She was moving pretty fast in those heels. I was actually jealous. I couldn’t walk that well in heels.
“Wait! What about your laundry?”
This time she didn’t even turn around. “I don’t have any laundry!” And then she was gone and I was alone with the dog.
I looked down at it sitting on the pavement. I wasn’t sure what kind of dog it was. It looked like the kind that Paris Hilton might have taken around in her purse once upon a long ass time ago. It was shivering. I wasn’t sure if it was because it was chilly out or because it was still recovering from forced participation in a drag number and then an unceremonious dumping.
I looked at its tiny tag for an address. The dog didn’t snap at me or run away. Sure enough, it did have an address and it was close by the laundromat. It also said the dog’s name was Cinderella. So it was a girl dog. A girl dog with a really shitty name.
“You don’t look like a Cinderella.” She looked up at me and snorted. “Maybe a Cindy. Anyway, it’s time for you to go home. But first I need to put my clothes in the dryer.”
I wasn’t really supposed to leave on a watching shift. But it wouldn’t be a rule if there were no exceptions, right? I picked up Cindy and walked casually back into the laundromat. The woman behind the counter immediately saw me and said “No dogs!”
“I know. I know. I’m taking her home. I just need to put my clothes in the dryer.” I put Cindy under my arm, popped open the washer with the other hand, and started putting the clothes out.
“No dogs!” yelled the Laundromat Lady again. This time I just ignored her. She didn’t seem like she was gonna come out from behind the counter. I ran over to the dryer, threw my wet clothes in, and slammed some quarters into the slot. As I hit the start button, I heard the unmistakable sound of a shotgun being pumped. I turned around to find the Laundromat Lady holding a sawed off shotgun like she knew how to use it.
“Ok, I’ll get her out of here!!” I shouted and ran for the door. From the other side of the door, I looked back through the glass. She had already put the gun away. It seemed like no one else in the laundromat was concerned. I looked down at Cindy. She looked up at me with her bug eyes, still shivering. “I think you probably need more help that she does. Looks like she can take care of herself just fine.”
***
I kinda knew where Cindy lived. It was further down Merrick near Linden Blvd. I didn’t have money to spare on my Metrocard so I walked instead of taking the bus. Cindy was still shivering so I put her in my hoodie and zipped it up until just her head was sticking out.
One a.m. isn’t really that late in my Queens neighborhood. A lot of people were still out and about. I passed a few of them along the way and I asked each person if they knew Cindy. No one did. One guy asked if he could get inside my hoodie to warm up, too. I declined.
I made a left on Linden and followed the house numbers until I found the right one. All the lights were out. There was no answer when I knocked on the door.
I kept knocking. Maybe they were asleep. If they didn’t answer, I’d have to take her home with me for the night. I was already thinking about what I’d feed her. I hope she liked Pop Tarts.
Still no answer. I knocked one more time, a little harder this time. I waited a few seconds and then turned to walk down the steps. A noise behind me made me turn back around in time to see a flutter in the curtains, like someone had been peeping out at me.
Then someone shouted from the other side of the door. “What do you want?!”
I paused. “I think I found your dog.”
The door creaked open just enough for the person to get a better look at me. I couldn’t tell if it was a man or a woman from the shouting but when I heard the next part I knew it was a woman. “Cinderella?”
“Yeah.”
Suddenly I was bathed in light. She must have turned on the porch light. She opened the door wide and said “Thank God!”
Now that there was light, I could see that she was a middle-aged woman in a fuzzy pink bathrobe and her hair in rollers. Obviously, I’d just woken her up. I unzipped my hoodie and lifted Cindy out. “Here you go.”
The woman took her from my arms and nestled her in her own arms. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. She’s my daughter’s dog.”
That explains the name, I thought.
The woman continued rambling. “I thought she was gone for good. We were at the park today and I just looked up and she was gone.” Then she paused. “I don’t have any money or anything to give you.”
I waved her off. “No, that’s okay. I provide dog return services free of charge.”
The woman smiled. “You’re a saint.”
“Something like that.” I said my goodbyes and
let that good feeling take me all the way back to the laundromat to pick up my clothes. I walked back as quickly as possible. I pushed open the door cautiously. I’d already been almost shot once today. No need for a second time.
But the Laundromat Lady was busy sweeping up. She didn’t even look at me. It was closer to two a.m. now and most of late-night crowd was gone. There were a few more people doing laundry but nobody I recognized from when I was there earlier.
I went to my dryer. My clothes were cool to the touch. I found my laundry bag hanging from one of the folding tables and started stuffing my clothes back into it.
Suddenly, I stopped what I was doing. I poured my clothes out onto the nearest folding table and rifled through them. Something was wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it. And then it hit me--all of my underwear was missing.
Fuck.
Chapter 6
Welcome to Grasshopper Mobile Voicemail. You have three voice messages. First message:
Hi Audrey, it’s your mother. I have been calling for three days. You need to call me back and let me know if you’ll be coming to dinner on Friday night.
Second message:
It’s Ella. Mom wants me to call to ask you to come to dinner Friday. I don’t care if you come or not. But either way, you should call Mom and let her know.
Third message:
Audrey, this is your father. If you don’t come to dinner on Friday, the next time you ask me for a loan--by the way loan implies that you’re going to pay it back, you deadbeat--I’m going to give your mother your address. Yes, I know what it is. You’d be surprised what I know. And you’d be surprised what I’d do if I have to eat dinner alone with your mother, your sister, and Rodney.
***
My phone rang before six a.m. I knew that because my alarm hadn’t gone off yet. My eyes refused to open. Still, I knew exactly who it was. There was only one person crazy enough to call me before the sun had come up. My mother.
I think I heard once that a mother’s voice is supposed to comfort you. I’m not sure if that’s true with me and my mother. For as long as I can remember, her voice has always made me anxious. I’m told I was born a month early. Probably because I couldn’t stand hearing her voice for another moment.
I lay in the bed with my eyes shut wondering if I could just pretend that I didn’t hear it. I still hadn’t opened my eyes so I didn’t know how much time I had before I had to get up and run around my apartment like a bat out of hell to get ready for the day, but I wanted all of that time. But if I didn’t answer it, she would call again. Or worse, she would use all of her considerable mom powers to finally get my home address and then she would be here in person.
I grabbed the phone. “What?”
“Is that how you answer the phone?”
“I just answered it that way, didn’t I?”
“You know, Audrey, we get what we put out there. And by not being your best at any moment, you’re asking the universe not to give you the best back.”
“Mom, it’s early. What do you want?”
“I want you to grow up. I want you to ask for more from yourself. I want you be the best you can be--”
“You want all of this at six a.m.?” I asked, turning over to count the cracks in my ceiling. I knew there were 31 but it was important that I keep an eye on them. If it ever got to be 32, it might be time to move my futon before the landlord’s kitchen came tumbling down on my head.
“No. Those are long-term goals. For now, I just want to make sure that you’re available for dinner tonight.”
“Well, I’m pretty broke but yes, I plan on eating dinner tonight. I eat it every night. I’m funny that way. Why?”
“I mean dinner at home with Daddy and me.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“And who else?” She knew what I was waiting for.
“Your sister.”
“And who else?”
“Rodney.”
“Who is Rodney?”
“Ella’s new boyfriend.”
I laughed. “Rodney? Where did she find him?”
Mom sighed. “I don’t know. But she wants to us to meet him so you need to come.”
I didn’t even have to think about it. “No.”
“I’ll let you take home leftovers.”
“When have you not let me take home leftovers? But no.”
“There will be cake. I’m making your favorite.”
I imagined the three layered chocolate, chocolate, chocolate cake with pieces the size my head. My mouth watered as I said, “No.”
“I will give you $50.”
I thought hard about what I would spend $50 on. She took it as negotiation and quickly said “OK. $100.”
“Done.” Little did she know, she could have had me $25. That was how broke I was.
“Ok good. Dinner starts at seven and you need to be on time. Oh and dress like a person when you come.”
“That’s a lot to ask, Mom. I may need a wardrobe stipend to make this work.”
“$100 is as high as I go. For a little more, I could just go find another daughter.”
“You have a point.”
“Are you driving to work today? There’s a pileup on the Belt Parkway.”
“No. My car’s acting a little funny.” Like not being where it’s supposed to be. “I’m probably taking the subway.”
“Oh.” Pause. “Well then you’re late.”
“Shit. I gotta go.”
Chapter 7
For once, I wasn’t late. I accomplished this by running up the eighty-seven steps that stood between me and the ground level at the York Street subway station. I couldn’t breathe for the first ten minutes of my workday but sometimes we sacrifice to avoid getting sacked.
I was at my desk maybe five minutes before Larry came waltzing out of his office to check whether I’d made it on time or not. I wasn’t sure if he noticed me panting and foaming at the mouth like a rabid golden retriever. If he did, he didn’t mention it. “Audrey, get your stuff together and come to the conference room. Bring something to write with. You’ll need to take lots of notes.”
I nodded and tried to control my breathing so that it didn’t look like I was about to pass out. “Audrey, are you okay?” Larry asked, suddenly looking concerned. “You’re really red.”
“I’m fine,” I huffed.
He looked dubious. “Just come into the conference room after you get settled.”
I considered taking the time to stop over at Mellie’s desk but as I looked over my half cubicle wall I could see her talking on the phone and typing rapidly. Oh well, I thought. I’ll catch up with her afterwards.
I headed to the conference room, grabbing a donut from the coffee cart as I walked by. Some people would have opted for the coffee, especially since I was running on virtually no sleep, but I always opt for sugar over caffeine. Actually, I always opt for sugar and caffeine. But if I have to choose one, it’s sugar for sure.
I chewed the doughy, sugary goodness while walking to the conference room door. I paused for a moment, wondering if I should knock. But then I remembered that nothing ever happened in the conference room anyway so I just went in. Inside, there was the familiar long table and ten or twelve gray office chairs. Seated at the head of the table was Larry with a perky blonde next to him. Her hair was styled in shiny, orderly ringlets and she was wearing just enough makeup to look like she wasn’t wearing any makeup. Her pale pink pantsuit probably cost more than what I made in a month. Her legs were crossed in that way that effortlessly skinny people cross their legs--almost like origami. I couldn’t cross my legs that way because, well, I had these things called thighs.
I stood there awkwardly waiting to be acknowledged. They just ignored me. They were smiling at each other like they had mistaken each other for dentists and each hoped that the other one could diagnose their gum disease on sight only. Actually, that was probably just Larry. The blonde had perfect teeth. Maybe she was just mimicking Larr
y.
Larry finally noticed me and stopped smiling that weird smile. “Audrey? Are you going to come in or are you just going to stand in the doorway? It’s weird.”
Oh, I’m the weird one? I mumbled something about being ready for the meeting. He impatiently gestured for me to come in and I obeyed, wiping my mouth on my sleeve as I did. I sat in a chair a few seats away from them. I didn’t know why they were acting so weird but I certainly didn’t want any of it on me.
“Audrey, this is Cammie Tyler,” said Larry, like he was showing me some prize he won at a carnival. “She is the head of the merger committee. She’ll be on-site to help us leverage her assets. Uh, uh I mean, leverage our assets.”
I’d long since swallowed my doughnut but I almost threw it right back up. Cammie just sat there batting her eyelashes. Larry squeezed his eyes shut, then placed a meaty, sweaty hand on Cammie’s and let out a low chuckle. “I’m so sorry. Sometimes I get a little tongue-tied when I’m around a beautiful woman.”
Well he’s never been tongue-tied around me, I thought. I guess I’m ugly.
For a moment, I worried that I might have actually said it out loud because Larry whipped his head back toward me. “Audrey, I want you to help Cammie however you can. She’s someone you could learn a lot from so don’t hesitate to ask questions.” He turned back to Cammie with a big let-me-show-you-all-my-teeth-again grin. “And if you need anything at all, you be sure to call me right away.”
As Larry got up and lumbered his way toward the door, I caught him winking at Cammie. She smiled demurely back. It was the grossest thing I’d ever seen. And the year prior, I’d seen six subway rats descend on a fallen comrade like it was free hotdog day at Yankee stadium.
When Larry closed the door, it was just me and Cammie in the room. She folded her hands neatly in her lap, raised her eyebrows, and smiled at me like she was waiting for me to do a trick or something. But I didn’t have any tricks. At least not any I could show her at the moment. So I settled for a tepid, “Hi.”
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