“Thank you.” She took the wrapped gift from his hand and held it to her chest. “I promise I’ll text you later.”
He watched her walk into the house until the door shut. Wishing there was more he could do, he turned back to the truck. It wasn’t until he touched the door handle that he realized she’d changed from calling him later to texting him later. With a sigh, he opened the door and climbed in. He could only hope that whatever was going on with Tiffany would get better and she would let him help her.
12
Tiffany
“Uh oh, that’s not a good sign,” Holly said when she entered that evening and found Tiffany curled up on the couch with a heating pad and a pint of ice cream. “What happened?” she asked, setting down her purse and tapping Tiffany’s legs for her to make room on the couch.
Tiffany curled her knees up and sighed. “It started out okay, but then my stomach started hurting again, and then Sofia showed up at the restaurant, and she was all flirty with Israel.”
Holly tapped her lap to let Tiffany know she could place her feet back down before asking, “Who’s Sofia?”
“This beautiful Hispanic girl who works at the coffee shop at the resort.”
“Okay, and did Israel flirt back with her?”
Tiffany took a bite of ice cream and shook her head. “No, and he said he told her he was seeing someone-”
“But you don’t believe him?” Holly interrupted.
Tiffany lifted one shoulder in a small shrug. “I don’t know. I guess I do, or at least I did, but then my stomach started hurting again, and I excused myself to go to the bathroom. When I got back, she was at the table again.”
“Wait, your stomach pain is back?”
Tiffany blinked at her friend. “Did you miss the part where I said the beautiful woman was at our table again?”
Holly looked at her as if she’d just sprouted three horns. “No, I just dismissed it like you should have done. Look, I don’t know this Sofia, but I do know Israel, and he is crazy about you. Did he seem like he was interested in her? Ask for her number? Smile or flirt with her?”
Tiffany shook her head. “No.”
“Exactly my point. I don’t think you were even concerned about this Sofia. I think you used it as an excuse because of the pain. Am I right?” Holly fixed her with a pointed stare.
Tiffany bit her lip. She had excused herself because the pain had gotten so bad she was afraid she would make a scene at the table, and when it didn’t disappear after her visit to the bathroom, she’d decided she would have to ask him to take her home. Holly was right. Sofia had been a non-sequitor, a convenient cover up so she didn’t have to tell Israel how bad the pain was.
“I guess you’re right.” Tiffany sighed as she glanced over at the wrapped gift that she still hadn’t opened. At least it wasn’t small enough to be a jewelry box. “I made a mess of things.”
Holly smiled and reached for the ice cream. “Maybe tonight, but I’m sure Israel will forgive you. We need to talk about this pain though. You need to go see a doctor. You promised you would if it got worse.”
Tiffany bit the inside of her lip. She’d been avoiding the doctor mainly out of fear. What she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her, right? Tonight’s pain had been bad though, bad enough that she’d booked an appointment for the following day with her doctor as soon as she’d gotten home. “I know. I have an appointment for tomorrow.”
“Good. You’ve put it off long enough.” A yawn spilled out of Holly’s mouth. “I’m sorry. Guess I’m pretty tired after a long day. Is there more or are you okay now?”
“I’ll be okay.” At least she would be after she sent off an apology text to Israel.
“All right. I’ll see you in the morning then.” Holly handed her back the now almost empty pint of ice cream and left the room.
Tiffany scraped the walls of the container, scooping up the last spoonful and savoring the taste. Her gaze slid again to the wrapped gift that had been sitting at the table begging to be opened ever since she’d gotten home.
Leaning forward, she placed the container on the table and grabbed the gift. It was small and rectangular almost like a book, but what kind of book would he have gotten her? They’d discussed their favorite books and authors, but she couldn’t imagine him getting her one of those books.
She slid her finger into the crease and peeled back the paper, revealing a leatherbound journal. With a smile, she thought back to the conversation they’d had where she’d mentioned she didn’t often know when God was talking to her.
“I keep a journal,” Israel had said, “and I write anything that comes to mind after reading or praying. It doesn’t always make sense the day I write it, but as I keep adding to it, God’s words start to appear.”
A smile parted her lips as she opened the cover. He’d remembered the conversation and got her a journal of her own. Her eyes filled with tears as they landed on a picture of the two of them pasted on the front page. It was from the night of their first kiss and both of their smiles were wide and bright. Underneath, he’d scrawled a message.
“So, you can keep track of what God is telling you as we go through life together. - Israel”
Go through life together? Was he thinking about the future already? She definitely had, but she was a woman, and she knew women did that more often than men. To know he was already picturing it as well warmed her heart and dialed up the guilt she was feeling at the same time. She should have just explained the situation to him, but she’d been afraid he would ask her questions about the pain. Questions she didn’t have the answer to and questions she’d been avoiding because a part of her feared that her little pains were but a piece of a much bigger issue.
She bit her lip as she grabbed her phone and opened the message app to send him a note. A call would be better, and she knew it, but it was late and she told herself that she didn’t want to wake him if he was asleep. In actuality, she was being a bit of a chicken and hoping to avoid a conversation until she knew what was wrong. She could call him tomorrow after her appointment.
“I’m sorry about tonight. I overreacted about Sofia and let my head get clouded with fear and pain. I’m feeling better and I opened your gift. It is perfect and so thoughtful. Thank you so much. Talk to you tomorrow?”
Part of her wanted to stare at the phone and wait for a response, but she knew that if she did and he didn’t answer right away for whatever reason, that she would be tied up in knots all night, and she needed to rest before her appointment tomorrow. So, with the last bit of resolve she had, she turned the phone off and headed to bed.
The next afternoon, Tiffany chewed on her bottom lip and tapped her feet against the side of the bed as she waited for the doctor to return. What was taking her so long? Did that mean the news was good or bad? Finally, the door opened, and the doctor stepped inside.
“Well, Ms. Baxter, it appears you have endometriosis. That is what is causing your pain.”
Dr. Choi was a wonderful physician, but her bedside manner and ability to explain things was definitely lacking. She’d thrown out this diagnosis like it was the common cold though Tiffany doubted it was anywhere close from the look on the doctor’s face. “Endometriosis? I’ve heard of it, but I’m not familiar with the details. What does it mean?”
Dr. Choi sat on the stool and turned to face Tiffany. “It means that the tissue that normally grows in your uterus is growing outside as well. In addition, your growth has affected your ovaries and created cysts as well.”
Ovaries? Cysts? Suddenly not only was Tiffany’s attention laser focused on Dr. Choi, but she felt as if the room was shrinking. “But they can be removed, right?” Tiffany was not a doctor but she knew ovarian cysts weren’t good.
“We can certainly try to remove them, but I’d like to try a conservative treatment first. Putting you on hormones may alleviate the pain.”
“Hormones? You mean like birth control pills?” Tiffany had never been on birth control pills, never h
ad the need as she didn’t engage in intimate behavior.
“Yes, that is the easiest way.”
The walls moved a little closer, and Tiffany’s heart fluttered in her chest. “But what if I want to have children? When I go off the pills, won’t that make the pain return?”
Dr. Choi lifted an eyebrow. “Are you trying to have children now? You didn’t mention that in your updated profile.” She turned to the computer as if to reread and verify what had been inputted.
Tiffany thought back over the dates she’d had with Israel. Having a child wasn’t in the immediate future - it was not even something she would entertain until after marriage - but it was in her future, and she had no idea if birth control would affect that or if not doing the hormones would affect it. “I’m not planning to right now, but in the next few years. Will birth control affect that?”
“For most people, it’s not an issue, but there have been a few women who reported problems getting pregnant after being on birth control.” She sighed softly and turned back to Tiffany. “Honestly though, you’re going to have issues trying to get pregnant anyway. At least with the hormones, we can control the pain and manage the condition.”
Issues? Manage? The words felt like fog in Tiffany’s brain, but she grasped onto the only thing she could think of clearly. Her dream, flying away from her. “So, you’re saying I may never have kids?”
“I’m saying that it is going to be tough regardless of what you do. With or without the hormones, you are probably looking at surgery at some point and if you want children, it will probably require fertility treatments and even then it will be an uphill battle.”
IF? There was no if. Having children had been her dream, her purpose. “I…” Tiffany blinked, no words forming in her mind. She’d thought maybe she had a bug or possibly abnormal periods that resulted in cramps that could not be cured but to find out she might never be able to have children? She wasn’t prepared for that.
“Are you okay, Ms. Baxter?”
Okay? What did that even mean? Everything she’d planned for now seemed like a crumbling house of cards. One that she could never rebuild regardless of how careful she was. “I don’t know. Can I have a few days to think about it?”
“Of course, but the sooner we get you started on the treatment, the sooner your symptoms will improve.”
Symptoms. Who cared about a little pain when she might never have children? “I hear what you’re saying, but I just need to process first.”
“That is understandable. I’ll put the prescription in your file and you can fill it when you’re ready.”
When she was ready? She would never be ready. Filling it, no matter how much physical relief it brought, would also be a daily reminder that she might never have children. And why did this have to happen now when she had finally found someone she could envision a future with?
Israel. As the doctor left the room, the full impact of how this would affect him as well hit Tiffany. It was no secret that he wanted a large family. He came from a large family, and he wanted a large family. Now, she would never be able to give him that. A sob escaped her lips as the pain gripped her insides.
She opened up the phone and read the message he had sent in response to her apology the night before. “I can understand that, but you are the only one I want in my life. Glad to hear you’re feeling better and that you liked the journal. I look forward to talking with you later.”
How could she talk to him now? How could she tell him that she was broken, that she might never be able to have kids? How could she ask him to put his dreams of a large family aside? The truth was that she couldn’t and she couldn’t hide this from him either. Keeping this secret from him would eat her alive and she knew, in the end, it would kill their relationship too.
Though it hurt every piece of her heart, she knew she would have to break it off with him. She might never be able to achieve her dreams of a family but he could, and she could give him that chance, would give him that chance. Ending it now would be better than dragging him along and possibly into a marriage where she couldn’t give him what he wanted. At least it was still early enough in their relationship that they had yet to say “I love you” though his gift showed he’d been developing strong feelings for her as she was for him. Just because they had yet to say the words didn’t mean they weren’t already feeling them.
However, the thought of breaking up with him brought tears to her eyes. He was the first man she’d felt a connection with since Connor, the first man who’d reassured her that she wasn’t crazy for wanting motherhood to be her job. Israel was exactly the type of man she’d always dreamed of, but now it seemed that no longer mattered.
With a heavy heart, Tiffany gathered her purse and the paperwork Dr. Choi had given her about her condition and opened the door. Her condition. It felt like a label. Defining. Constricting. Limiting. Heavy. The colors around her faded to a dreary monochromatic gray.
A tear slipped down her cheek as she left the office. She had no doubt that many more would follow. Especially when she took the time to rethink her future. Her future without kids. Her future as something other than a mother.
Yes, there were other ways to have a family, but invitro was expensive as was adoption, and both could take years. She would either have to find a wealthy man willing to pursue alternative options for a family or revise her dreams. With a sigh, she opened her car and sank down into the driver’s seat, dropping her head on the wheel. Lord, give me strength, she whispered, but that wasn’t what she really wanted. What she really wanted was to reverse time, to never make this appointment. No, that wasn’t it either. What she really wanted was not to have this condition. To be normal. To not have to break up with the first man who’d gotten through her walls in years.
13
Israel
“Have you thought about that idea I brought up? About the mall?” True to his word, Israel had brought up the subject with Chance shortly after his date with Tiffany.
Chance nodded. “Yeah, I’ve spoken to a few of the local businesses. There are some interested in moving or expanding to the mall if we can get traffic there. So, the next step is to reach out to some larger businesses, some franchises, and see if we can get some interested.”
“Let me know how I can help. This means a lot to Tiffany.”
“Speaking of Tiffany. Are you going to ask her to ‘The end of summer bash’?” Chance asked as he lifted his cup to take a sip.
They were sitting in the resort dining room because Israel had refused to sit in the coffee bar. Chance had lifted an eyebrow when Israel put his foot down, but he’d agreed, knowing Israel would explain himself when he was ready. “Yeah, I’m hoping to. She was acting a little weird on our last date though and she missed church yesterday.”
That had been the worst part for Israel. After Friday night, he’d been confused. He didn’t know if her cool behavior was due to the pain or Sofia or both. Then he’d gotten her apology text and thought everything would be okay, but he’d waited all Saturday for a call from her. A call that never came. He’d been about to call her when a text had arrived stating she was still feeling sick and wouldn’t be at church. He’d offered to come over and help her, but she’d declined, leaving Israel wondering yet again if he’d done something to upset her.
Little lines erupted on Chance’s forehead as it scrunched together. “What do you mean weird?”
“Man, I wish I knew. When I picked her up Friday night, she kept grimacing in pain. Then we ran into Sofia at the restaurant, and even though I told her nothing was going on, she asked me to take her home early. We didn’t even eat dinner before the date ended.”
Chance chuckled and glanced back toward the coffe bar. “Is that why you didn’t want to sit in the bar?”
Israel nodded. “Sofia is nice, but she’s flirty. I don’t want to give Tiffany the wrong idea especially with what’s going on.”
The concern returned to Chance’s face. “What is going on? Did she
tell you what the pain was about?”
“No, she just told me she was still not feeling well and would miss church. Is she at work today?”
Chance shrugged. “I think so. I don’t remember Merribeth saying she needed coverage for her. Look, I’m sure it’s nothing. It was probably one of those twenty-four things that hits you hard and then after a good sleep it’s gone. Maybe it was just something she ate. Or maybe it was that time of the month.”
“Dude.” Israel fixed a pointed stare at his friend.
Chance held up his hands in surrender. “Hey, I’m not a woman. I just know cramps are a real thing.”
While that was more information than Israel wanted to think about, it did ease his anxiety a little. All of those could be possibilities and she had apologized both the night of the failed date and the next day about church. He probably was overthinking things. “You’re right. I’ll ask her tonight. Are you and Merribeth going?”
“We’re kind of in charge of the thing, so we have to be there. Thankfully, a few of the girls who work with Tiffany were free to work that night. I’m sure we won’t be the only couple wanting to attend who has a kid. Speaking of which, did you talk to Tiffany about your wishlist for your own basketball team?”
Israel laughed at the memory. Before the accident on the last deployment he and Chance had been on, they’d been discussing lost loves and future romances. Israel had jokingly stated that since he was so terrible at basketball he hoped to have enough kids to make up his own team so they could all improve together. “Well, I didn’t tell her that, but we did talk about kids. She wants a big family too, so I don’t think I’m going to scare her away with that.”
Her First Love Page 7
