by Chloe Seager
She’s right. Suddenly I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.
‘He looked pretty upset, Emmy. He looked kind of, well, miserable.’
I’d take a hundred mean comments from Abby Matthews if it meant me and Leon were OK. We have to be OK.
posted by EditingEmma 16.34
As soon as the bell went, I ran to the gates to wait for Leon. He was clearly trying to avoid me, because when I got there he was practically running out of his class.
‘Leon. LEON!’ I called.
When he saw me, he moved even faster.
‘Please talk to me.’
‘I don’t really want to, Emma.’
Then he walked away. And I just stood there watching him go. Again.
posted by EditingEmma 22.25
How My Blog Could Possibly Have Gone Public
I’ve been racking my brains over this, and talked through it with Steph, and we came down to three options.
I Did It By Mistake
Highly unlikely, but possible. It would be a bit of a coincidence given I wrote that post so long ago, and given its content. There are a million posts on my blog about random other crap and none of those went public. It feels planned.
Anna
I wouldn’t normally be this paranoid, but I feel pretty sure someone did this. I guess, she might have been upset about Leon and realised that maybe I had something to do with it. But it doesn’t really seem like her. She’s actually really nice. And how on Earth would she have even known I was writing a blog, let alone have had access to it? Which led us to…
Greg
He’s definitely upset with me. He definitely knows about my secret blog, and he was always asking to see it. Could I have left my log in details on his computer? Suffice to say, I’ve changed my password.
We concluded that it must have been Greg, it seems like the only feasible option. But I still can’t believe he would do that… He’s not nasty. I really need to phone him tomorrow, to talk.
Tuesday, 21 October
posted by EditingEmma 11.35
Sitting in the loos staring into space. I’m not even crying; I don’t think I have any tears left. I should be in a lesson right now but I categorically don’t care. Somehow yesterday I really thought, deep down, that we’d work it out. I was upset but I wasn’t worried. I thought he was mad, and needed a bit of time… But it’s over. It’s actually over this time.
I finally got him to at least talk to me. All his friends were staring at us and he hates people making a scene. Which I was.
‘Come on,’ I said pleadingly. ‘Please come with me?’
He took a deep breath.
‘Fine.’
We went and sat on the wall, by Chapel. He was keeping his eyes fixed on his shoes.
‘I’m sorry, Leon. I have no idea how that post went public.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘Well, it clearly does matter.’
He said nothing.
‘It wasn’t meant for anyone to see,’ I said desperately. ‘I was just… venting. Everybody vents.’
He was silent for a while. ‘I’m stupid?’
‘I didn’t mean it.’
‘My parents love my brother more than me?’
‘Leon, I was upset. I was so, so upset. I had to find a way to deal with it somehow. I only said those things because… Because you’d gone away and I didn’t know why. And because I like you so much.’ My voice wobbled. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.
He sighed.
‘Come on. This can’t be unfixable. This is so, so stupid.’
He put his head in his hands. ‘This is why I think… maybe I had it right over the summer. I don’t know.’
Owch.
‘What do you mean?’
‘This is just too much, Emma.’
‘Look, I’m sorry. I was mad at you. I mean, I shouldn’t have said it, but don’t you think I had a right to be mad at you?’
‘Stop turning this around.’
‘I… I’m not turning it around. I’m just explaining myself. It’s not like I just wrote those things without a reason.’
‘I can’t do this,’ was all he replied, still looking at the floor.
I sat for a moment. Was this really all I was going to get?
‘I can’t believe you’re not taking any responsibility for this. Fine, punish me for what I wrote, but how can you not understand why I wrote it?’
Then he shrugged. He shrugged at me.
‘I was angry,’ I carried on, ‘Which, by the way, I had every right to be!’
I was yelling by this point. He jumped down from the wall.
‘Don’t just walk away! Hey!’ I grabbed him. ‘You can’t just do this! Just blame everything on me and then disappear again? This is NOT all my fault.’
He looked at me then. He looked from my left eye to my right, as if searching in me for something. I wanted so badly to give him whatever it was. He looked so profoundly sorrowful, and full of so many emotions that even then I thought that maybe I’d got through. That maybe we were going to be OK.
But then he looked away again, and walked off.
‘Oh, right, yeah. Do what you do best. Communicate via telepathic waves. I’m still waiting for the ones you sent over summer to arrive, by the way,’ I called after him.
And, once more, I had ended up literally chasing him around school.
posted by EditingEmma 13.55
Mystery Solved
I thought today couldn’t get any worse, but oh, look at that. It did.
After lunch we all came back to the Sixth Form Centre.
I phoned Greg, and he mostly kept saying. ‘What?? What??’ and then finally, ‘No, Emma, I did not put up your diary for everyone to read. If you don’t mind, I have class.’
(Owch.)
When I hung up the phone Faith and Steph were staring expectantly. Gracie was looking down at her shoes, all pink. She caught my eye briefly, and that’s when I knew. It was her. I remembered logging on to her computer, in her room, but it didn’t even occur to me that one of my friends would do this. Steph and Faith were looking between us, confused and wide-eyed, and I got up and left.
This is so, so much more hurtful than if it had been Greg. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. Why? I know we fight a lot, but I thought when it came down to it we had each other’s back. Why would she do this?! I don’t even want to know. Nothing she says can ever take this back.
posted by EditingEmma 19.03
The rest of the day passed in a blur. Steph has rung about a million times, but I’ve turned off my phone and put myself to bed. Don’t want to think about this horrible day. I don’t want to think about anything any more.
Wednesday, 22 October
posted by EditingEmma 12.06
I told Mum I was sick this morning, and needed to stay home. Thankfully she’s easy and believed me. She nodded fervently, feeling my forehead and declaring that ‘her glands were up too’. I swear for a moment she almost considered staying home herself. I’m on the sofa watching Working Girl. Because 80s hair always puts me in a slightly better mood.
Couldn’t eat anything this morning. I feel numb. I’m feeling so bad about so many things I hardly know what to think about.
posted by EditingEmma 19.20
Finally turned on my phone. For no other reason than because I thought Steph might be worried. As soon as it came on it started ringing.
‘Emma, where have you been?!’ she yelled.
‘Zimbabwe. At home, obviously,’ I said.
‘DON’T do this again, Emma. Don’t you DARE hide away again, and shut the world out. Shut me out.’
‘I…’
‘No. I don’t want to hear it. Because you’re better than this. You were doing so well. You seemed… happy for a while. And it wasn’t to do with Leon. It was to do with you. So, this has happened and it’s rubbish, but don’t let it drag you down again. Don’t let this ruin everything. Now what
kind of mini-bites do you want?’
‘Chocolate cornflake.’
‘Great. I’m coming over.’
When Steph arrived we avoided the subject for a while, until she couldn’t hold back any longer.
‘Emma, about Gracie…’
‘Ugh. Really? Are we really going to talk about this?’
‘I think we have to.’
I stayed silent.
‘Look, she did a bad thing and I’m not going to defend her. That’s up to her. But you two will work it out, and… and… and maybe this hasn’t gone so terribly.’
‘You’re going to have to explain that one to me.’
‘Look. The things you said were bad, but they weren’t… that bad. I mean, considering. Leon had hurt you. You shouldn’t have to feel guilty about this, Emma.’
‘Shouldn’t I?’
‘No. He’s been such a prick, Emma. I’m sorry. I’ve refrained from saying it all this time. I know how much you like him. But he’s a giant, prick-headed prick. Essentially, he treated you like mud, as Faith put it, and now he’s treating you like mud again because you were angry about being treated that way in the first place. It’s doubly prickish. And well… now at least you know it.’
And I know that she’s right. We watched TV and ate heaps of chocolate and it felt, just for a while, like maybe the world didn’t have to end after all.
Thursday, 23 October
posted by EditingEmma 13.22
Mum clocked that I wasn’t sick when she caught me hot-flannelling my head and made me come in. Spent the day so far successfully avoiding Gracie. On my way to French, I passed Leon in the corridor. He looked down, and it was so infuriating that I stood in front of him so he couldn’t get past me.
I said, ‘We’re done, Leon. As friends and as whatever we were. I don’t need people like you in my life. Don’t bother talking to me ever again.’
He kept his eyes on the floor the whole time and walked on.
Steph said, ‘So you told someone who’s not talking to you, to not bother talking to you?’
‘Don’t ruin my moment.’
posted by EditingEmma 16.13
Walking home alone. I waited at the gates for Steph and Faith, but Faith said we should wait for Gracie so I left.
‘You can’t avoid her for ever, Emma!!’ she called after me.
‘I can!’ I shouted back.
‘You have FT with her ALL AFTERNOON tomorrow!!’
Drat. She’s right.
posted by EditingEmma 17.03
I notice that Gracie hasn’t posted anything since we stopped speaking. Should I unfollow her on Twitter?
posted by EditingEmma 17.07
No. There are some things in life you can never get over and I think that may just be one of them.
posted by EditingEmma 17.35
Fighting with a compulsion to post a clip from Bad Blood. The urge is almost primal. But I feel like that would be returning to my less mature, summer self. Oh God. Looking back at some of my tweets about Leon from June:
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
You’re my first and last and I’m NOTHING to you
(Why Barry White?! Why?! I blame my mother for constantly playing Mellow Magic.) And then in my even more pathetic, sad moments:
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
You should always give someone the chance to explain if
they did something wrong, before you walk away
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
What did I do wrong?
Who am I? I might as well be posting My Chemical Romance song lyrics.
In fact, that would have been less embarrassing.
Anyway, I have deleted all those cringe-worthy tweets. I will never again be attention-seeking on the internet, hoping that he will see and be persuaded to change his mind, and I will not sink to the level of having an internet-go at Gracie through Taylor Swift lyrics.
I fleetingly wonder what she’s thinking, if she’s upset or guilty, or satisfied? Then I go back to pretending she doesn’t exist.
posted by EditingEmma 18.08
Heather is round for dinner, which is always a welcome distraction from misery. She left her glasses on the train, and her phone on the bus.
‘It was only when I was looking out the window I realised my vision was a little blurry!’ she chirruped, laughing away.
How?
Anyway, I see that she is now the proud new owner of the dinosaur phone.
posted by EditingEmma 18.53
THE CHEWITS ARE GONE
‘Oh, by the way, Emma, you really need to clean your room more,’ Mum said.
‘What? Why? It’s fine.’
‘I had to throw away this gross bundle of rubbish from under your bed.’
‘Ew, what rubbish?! I don’t have rubbish.’
Then it hit me.
‘Mum, WHY were you under my bed?!’
‘I thought you might have some spare glasses to help Heather.’
‘Well don’t!! Don’t go in my room and stay away from my things!! Agh, I can’t believe you threw them away!!’
‘Threw what away?!’
Now I’m in my room staring at the blank space under my bed where the Chewit wrapper collection used to be. I think this time last week I might have been more upset, but now it feels weirdly prophetic. I started crying loudly and gutturally. Mum came in.
‘What on Earth is that noise? You’re disturbing Heather.’
Then she saw me crying on the floor.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ she asked.
I couldn’t breathe properly or form words so I shook my head in response. Mum retreated slowly from the room.
posted by EditingEmma 19.44
The crying has stopped. I definitely feel a lot better this time around, Leon-wise. Comparatively, anyway. I still feel totally rejected and abandoned, but like my core being is still intact. Like he hasn’t managed to get at some part of me, that he did before. He’s treated me like I’m worthless but I don’t feel worthless, if you see what I mean.
But Gracie… I keep going over it in my head. Gracie reading through my blog. Gracie clicking ‘publish’. Gracie watching me cry at school and not saying anything. I just don’t understand.
At least before, when it was just about Leon and Greg, it was just… boys. Somehow this makes all that seem a bit… stupid. Now that the problem is my friends I feel worse than ever before. Like my foundations have been shaken and I’m not sure how I’ll ever stand up again, let alone carry on.
posted by EditingEmma 20.15
Making another dress on the sewing machine. Still feeling numb but quite creative. Heather came in and peered at the designs and said it looked ‘wonderful’. Earlier on I heard Heather describe a fridge magnet as ‘wonderful’ but I’m going to take the compliment anyway.
posted by EditingEmma 22.50
Faith called.
‘Emma, I think you should talk to Gracie.’
I snorted.
‘Look, I know you’re upset, but so is she.’
‘Oh, boo-hoo.’
‘I know she did a bad thing. But… you aren’t without fault here.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘You can be quite mean to her.’
‘She’s mean to me!!!’
‘I know, but… look, just talk to her, all right?’
‘No.’
‘Emma, come on.’
‘No.’
Friday, 24 October
posted by EditingEmma 14.35
In FT
Pretending Gracie doesn’t exist is so much harder when she’s sitting next to me. Why did I choose a recipe that only takes me fifteen minutes, AGAIN? Stupid syllabub. Now I’m just sitting here twiddling my thumbs, which is making my blatant ignoring even more obvious. I only picked it because I wanted to hear it over and over in conversation with Ms McElroy. But she said,
‘So, Emma, how do you feel the syllabub emerged today? Tell me about the syllabub’s journey.’
/> And I felt nothing. It’s a sad day when the word ‘syllabub’ doesn’t even elicit a smile.
posted by EditingEmma 15.07
My syllabub isn’t very mousse-like. It’s runny and yellow and looks like washing up liquid. Tastes like it too. Gracie would normally make fun of it, but she’s concentrating really hard on her muffins rising in the oven. She looks like she’s about to cry.
Oh God, I think I might cry.
posted by EditingEmma 16.50
Back Home
Gracie opened her mouth a few times, but then stopped herself. I could see her in the corner of my eye.
Eventually, I said, ‘Sorry, did you want to look at my phone? There’s probably loads on it you can humiliate me with. The passcode is 1989.’
I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth, because then Gracie really did cry, and so did I. Everyone was staring at us (including Apple, who looked deeply uncomfortable). Ms McElroy said we needed to go and ‘express our emotions’ and excused us from class. I’m pretty sure she thought we were actually crying over the failed syllabub.
I went into a cubicle and really let rip, in that sort of loud, snotty way that can also sound a bit like guffawing. I could hear Gracie sniffling outside. Then she came and squished in next to me, locking the door.
‘Emma, I’m really sorry,’ she choked.
‘Why did you do it?’ I asked, mascara running down my face.
‘I just… ugh, it seems so silly now. I came upstairs and I was having a really crap evening. I felt really insecure because I thought no one was coming. And then when people did come I wasn’t even having a good time. I don’t know, I felt really lonely and just a bit socially out of it, you know? Like I’d been looking forward to this for so long. And… I don’t know. I know it’s silly, but I guess I’d been hoping that maybe I’d get with someone. And you were just running around between Greg and Leon and I just…You’re really lucky.’
‘Lucky?’ I scoffed. I’d never thought about it like that before. ‘Gracie, the only boy I’ve ever really liked pretends I don’t even exist.’
‘But Greg doesn’t. Greg really likes you and you were treating him like he didn’t even matter.’
I felt a stab of guilt.
