by Alisa Easton
“Twelve thirty would be perfect actually,” I said remembering that I’d have a two hour break before my first post lunch appointment. That was plenty of time for a walk in the park and it had been a long time since I’d taken such an indulgence, even though the park was only right around the corner from my office.
Tiger barked as though he felt just as excited about the possibility of Adam and I getting together this afternoon as we did. I felt a small tingle. Adam seemed like a nice guy and although I always insisted to Mary that I would never consider dating any of the patrons of my veterinarian office, I thought maybe I could make an exception for Adam. I wasn’t sure what changed my mind. Perhaps it was the desperation of finding someone to share my bed or maybe it was simply my desperation to stop thinking about the stranger who seemed to have taken up residence in my mind to haunt my thoughts both day and night.
“Great, I’ll bring some sandwiches and we can have a little picnic.”
“Okay.”
I held my breath until Adam and Tiger disappeared out the main door and into the parking lot. Once I was sure it was safe, I let out my breath as I slumped against the counter again. Being a small space, Mary had overheard my conversation with Adam and practically came running the second he was out the door.
“You finally said yes!”
I looked at the excitement in her eyes. She had that same bewildered but happy look that Sylvia always had when she talked to me about the possibility of me with any man. Was it really so astounding that I might actually take interest in sharing the company of one from time to time? Was my experience with Ed so horrible that everyone believed I would never recover?
“I’m only meeting him at the park this afternoon with Tiger. It’s no big deal.”
“With sandwiches.”
“So? It’s not a date or anything.”
“Food makes it a date.”
“Don’t be silly.”
“Well, you just relax and have fun with that one,” Mary said with that twinkle still in her eye, “Whatever you want to call it, that guy is interested in you and he’s a great catch. You can have a lot of fun.”
“Why is everyone so worried about my love life all of a sudden?”
“I wasn’t aware that you actually had one.”
I sighed. Good point.
“That shouldn’t concern anyone else but me.”
“We just want you to be happy, Alex. That’s all.”
“Well you put your worries to rest, Mary, because I am perfectly happy whether I have a man in my life or not.”
“Of course you are, honey.”
“I am.”
She just nodded and went back to her paperwork and I disappeared into my office to try to focus on my next patient of the day. I would like to say that all I could think about was my lunch date with Adam but that wouldn’t be entirely true. Every time the image of meeting Adam popped up on my head, it wasn’t Adam’s face that I saw.
Chapter 7
I was thankful that I’d chosen to wear a pair of comfortable shoes and slacks that day as I waved goodbye to Mary and left the office. I considered walking in the opposite direction and telling Adam later that I forgot about our little arrangement but decided that wouldn’t be very nice of me and it would only delay the inevitable. Besides, I might actually enjoy spending some time with him, I reminded myself. He was well mannered and kind toward his dog, not to mention not half bad to look at. I felt a twinge of excitement as I spotted him across the grass. He was sat on a blanket leaning casually against the tree watching Tiger run around in circles chasing the ball he’d thrown him. I smiled at the sight of them.
Adam looked up as I approached and gestured for me to sit beside him. I sat on the edge and showered Tiger in attention as he ran up to me in a happy greeting of tail wagging and kisses before returning to the ball he was playing with.
“I’m really glad that you could hang out with us this afternoon,” Adam said watching me. I looked back toward Tiger to avoid the intensity in his green eyes.
“I had a pretty clear schedule today,” I mumbled, unsure of what I should say outside of the professional environment where I was doctor and he was the patient’s master.
“Are you hungry?” Adam reached over and flipped the lid on the picnic basket and even though I wanted to say no, my stomach rumbled to betray me. He smiled and reached in to pull out paper plates and real silverware. He set out two plates and then returned to the picnic basket to fetch two foil wrapped sandwiches and two small covered Tupperware containers of something that looked like potato salad.
“I hope it’s okay,” he said as I picked up one of the foil packages and started unwrapping it, “I wasn’t sure what you would like.”
“This looks yummy. Where did you get them? The deli down the road? I’ve never tried their sandwiches but I have heard really good things about them. Mary talks about them all time. I keep meaning to stop by some time but I always seem to be too busy or too distracted.” I stopped when I realized that I was rambling in nervousness. Adam didn’t seem to mind. He waited patiently and smiled when I took a bite and exclaimed how good it was.
“I made them,” he said.
“You made them?” I didn’t know why I found that so hard to believe. I suppose in all the years I’d been with Ed, he’d never shown much interest in making anything, especially if it involved spending time in the kitchen. A lump in my throat made it hard for me to swallow so that I had to force down the bite I’d just taken.
“I happen to know a thing or two about sandwiches,” he said and then winked. I laughed nervously.
“Yes, you do,” I said taking another bite.
“Oh, I almost forgot to offer you a drink.”
I watched as he uncovered two long stem wine glasses and set them out on the blanket. My eyes widened.
“I have to go back to work. I shouldn’t…”
“Shhh…” he said. He put a finger to my lips to emphasize his point and when he took his hand away, my lips still tingled from his touch. He offered a plastic bottle from the picnic bottle and waited for my approval as I read the label.
“Grape juice?” I laughed.
“It’s the tasty alternative to a bottle of wine.”
“I like it.”
I watched his steady hands as he opened the bottle and poured a glass for each of us. He offered one to me and then raised his glass to make a toast. I giggled but raised my glass to clink gently with his.
“Here is to the start of something beautiful,” he said.
“To the start of something beautiful,” I agreed.
We sipped our grape juice and sat watching Tiger as we enjoyed our lunch. After we finished eating and cleaned up, he stood up offering me his hand to help pull me to my feet. I blushed.
“I thought we could go for a little walk together,” he said as he helped me to my feet.
“It is a nice day for it,” I agreed.
We made a stop at his car to leave the picnic basket and blanket, he clipped the leash onto Tiger’s collar, much to Tiger’s dismay, and we started walking with no particular destination in mind. I enjoyed the feeling of sun warming my skin and the sound of Adam’s footsteps matching the pace of my own. There was something very comfortable about being next to him. I had to admit it to myself that I was having a good time, even if I didn’t want to.
“What made you change your mind?” he asked me breaking the silence that had settled between us as we walked and enjoyed the day. His hand brushed against my hand as our arms hung by our side and for a moment I panicked.
“Change my mind about what?” I gave him a sideways glance to try to read the expression on his face. I could see possibilities when I looked in those eyes and that scared me, I had to admit to myself. I was trying to be brave but I was not succeeding. I was pretty sure I knew exactly what he meant.
“About seeing me.”
“This isn’t a date.” I blurted the words out quickly and then immediately regretted them. I hadn’t
meant to be so harsh. I just wasn’t ready to accept that I might have feelings for another person after the way things turned out with Ed. Less than twenty-four hours ago I might have been certain that I was ready to move on and embrace life with a new boyfriend but now that I was faced with the possibility of making that a reality, I was getting cold feet.
He looked away and focused on something in the distance and I wasn’t sure if I had hurt his feelings. I tried to come up with something to say, some way to take it back but all I could do is stare at my feet as we continued to walk.
“I would like to take you out,” he said at last, “on a real date.”
“Adam…”
“I really like you, Alex, and I just want to get to know more about you. I don’t mean to be pushy. Just say you’ll go out with me once. Let me take you to dinner later this week and give me a chance. Get to know me a little and who knows, you might actually enjoy yourself. You might even like me a little.”
“I already like you,” I admitted. We stopped and he turned toward me so that I was forced to look into those brilliant green eyes and for a moment, my heart nearly stopped. He put his hand out to caress my cheek which ignited thoughts of the stranger somewhere in the dark corners of my mind. I tried to suppress all the feelings that tugged along with those thoughts but I sighed despite my efforts. Adam took it as a sign that I liked him touching me and he stepped closer.
“We might even be good together.”
“Yes, we might be.”
“Then tell me that you’ll go to dinner with me.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t be afraid of me, Alex, I don’t bite. Not unless you ask nicely,” he said with a laugh. I smiled.
“Okay, why not?”
“You won’t regret it. You might even wonder why you ever resisted me for so long.”
I felt him lean in slightly and thought he might try to kiss me so I turned away suddenly and started walking again. I may have agreed to give him a real chance at dating but I wasn’t ready to kiss him in the park. I had too many strange feelings stirring around in my head and my body wasn’t ready to comply. We continued to walk and to talk about nothing in particular. If he had meant to kiss me, he didn’t give any indication that he was insulted by my not-so-subtle rejection.
He walked me back to the office once it was time for me to get ready for my next appointment and we made arrangements for our proper date later in the week. I went back to work feeling happy and hopeful. My life was changing in all sorts of interesting ways and I was pretty sure I was on the verge of something good. Adam had a lot of potential. If I could convince myself to give in just a little, I might even discover that he was exactly what I’d been looking for all along.
Chapter 8
My week went on like every other week before it and despite the changes that I knew were brewing inside me, I was still restless and unsure. I tossed and turned to the sound of rain pouring down outside my windows and I tried to block out the sound. The rain reminded me of the stranger and my dreams reminded me how much that I wanted to explore him. No matter how many days that passed, he didn’t fade from the forefront of my mind. No matter how many times I caught myself smiling as I thought about the plans that I’d made for Friday night with Adam, my thoughts would return again to the night I’d led the stranger into my shower and proceeded to take off my clothes for him.
I was truly crazy, I decided. I wanted to talk myself out of it but the more I tried to replace the images of the stranger with images of Adam, my insides burned with a need greater than myself. I wanted to see him again. I needed to see him again. Some force compelled me to get out of bed and pull on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and go out into the rain to search for him.
Tonight I would find him again. Surely, he must feel this way too.
I walked out into the night and welcomed the coolness of the rain washing my skin. I turned my face upward and felt the drops tracing along the contours of my face and neck heightening my senses, arousing me.
I deliberately chose the path that I’d walked the night I encountered him. My pace quickened along with my breath as I remembered the way that the couple had moved, lost in each other, and oblivious to the fact that the stranger and I stood outside in the rain and watched. They were people with their own lives, their own jobs, and chores to attend to on a daily basis just as I did. Had I ever met them on the street before? In the grocery store? Did they have pets that they brought to my practice? Did they walk their dog along my street? Thinking of them as real people gave me a strange tickling sensation. They were two ordinary people that enjoyed each other’s bodies under the cover of night. What did she feel when he touched her? Could it have been half as pleasurable as the sensations that rippled through my body that night that I gave in to the stranger?
It felt like a lifetime ago the day I found the note in his pocket. With that one simple note, Ed had destroyed all the pleasure I had ever felt at a man’s touch. The sex before that point had been lukewarm at best but if it had ever had the potential to be more, he had successfully killed it along with my self confidence and my ability to trust a man.
I had given up on finding the man that could turn all that around and make me feel alive again but even if I found him, I was too afraid to put myself in that vulnerable position again. Could Adam be the one that I’d waited for? Or was it him - the stranger? Had he always been there, lurking somewhere in the shadows of my mind watching me and waiting for me? I wanted him to be real. I needed to feel his hands on me again. I needed to know the answers to all the questions swarming my mind that kept me awake at night and unable to focus during the day. This didn’t feel normal but I didn’t know how to stop it and I didn’t think even counseling was going to help me now. The only way to put an end to the madness that consumed my mind was to find him and experiment with all the delicious things that I had only imagined.
The rain soaked through my clothes making me feel damp and uncomfortable. I longed to peel my sweatshirt over my head and step into the steam of the shower. I longed to close my eyes and put out my hands to stroke his bare chest as the hot water cascaded over us. I wanted to feel skin against skin as we slid together, his hands gliding over my wet skin.
My heartbeat steadily increased as I stepped closer to the place where I’d first seen him standing and watching but all my hopes were dashed when I turned the corner and realized that he wasn’t there. Logically, I knew the probability of finding him again was slim to none but still, tonight with the rain and the feelings inside me, I had been so certain that there was some cosmic force that begged us to find one another again. What was I thinking? I was a grown woman too old to believe in fairy tales or happily ever after. Besides that, surely my prince charming would not make a habit of stalking the shadows to watch complete strangers have sex?
I looked toward the house but the curtains were drawn and all the windows were dark. I imagined the couple sound asleep in each other’s arms, happy and blissfully unaware of the loneliness that had compelled me to walk the streets alone in the rain to find something I knew that I would probably never find. I lingered outside the house. Did I feel a pair of eyes watching me or was it only wishful thinking? I held my breath and peered into the darkness around me. Did I see movement? Did a shadow pull away from the trees and slump back again? I opened my mouth to say something but closed it again. I didn’t even know his name. Could I ever be certain that it was him?
“Hello,” I whispered to the night around me but the sound of the rain hitting the ground drowned out my voice. I waited for a response anyway but there was none. I stared into the space where I thought there had been movement but soon gave in to the fact that my mind was probably playing tricks on me.
I felt my heart sink. I turned and started walking back toward my house while thoughts of my last few weeks with Ed flashed through my mind. Had there been any warnings before the end? Why did it always seem that I missed the obvious right in front
of me until it was too late and my relationships disintegrated, falling through my fingertips like grains of sands? I needed to let go of the past no matter how much it hurt to accept everything that had happened. Sylvia had tried to convince me so many times but even she sensed that this was a matter in which only time could heal my broken heart. Had I really reached a point that I was willing to move forward or was I using the stranger as I an excuse to hide in the darkness?
I let myself into my house, pushing the door behind me and locking it without much thought. I sighed heavily as I made my way to the shower alone with a heavy heart. Had I really expected that I would find him and bring him back with me? Would I use my body to convince him that he should stay? That he should continue to see me? Was it safer to find love with a stranger that didn’t know my name than to risk getting to know Adam and have my heart shattered to pieces like Ed had managed to do?
I peeled off my clothes and stepped into the shower just so I could feel the water warm my cool skin. I closed my eyes and let my hands roam over my body. The space between my legs ached for his touch but I would have to settle for my own. I touched myself as I thought about his hands on me, the way he’d touched me and gripped my flesh in desperation. I moaned as I climaxed and braced myself against the shower wall. How could he have such an effect on me when he wasn’t even here?
When I crawled back into bed, I closed my eyes to think about Adam and the way he’d gone out of his way to create a beautiful picnic lunch for me. I smiled as I imagined him playing with his puppy. I felt a twinge when I thought about him looking at me with those brilliant green eyes. I looked forward to our date. I would embrace the evening and I vowed to myself that once dinner had finished, I would invite him back to my house to help fill this lonely bed. I would take the risk of a broken heart so that I could feel the arms of a man wrapped around me.
The next afternoon I took advantage of a thirty minute break between appointments to make a phone call to Sylvia. I was pretty sure that she should be on her lunch break and I had a very important matter to discuss with her.
