“I’m just…”
“No, you’re just being you. James, I knew you had feelings for me for a long time. Every time you tried to help me with my relationships or with friends, every time you told me that everything would be ok or that I should trust you. Every time you told me I looked nice or that I was beautiful. Every time, I knew that you felt something more and that’s why I believed you,” she smiled, “You never tried to be more, but you always were. You were willing to put your feelings aside for me and put what I wanted first. You put others first James, it’s what you do. Even when you came to rescue me you kept others out of as much danger as you could. Thomas told me your plan. You gave everyone jobs that would limit the danger they were in. And then you stormed the hospital almost single-handed.”
“Jason was there to help,” I said defensively.
“Yes, but then you sent him away to take care of us and then you went and killed Cole by yourself. You did everything you could to keep everyone safe, even at the cost of your own safety. You put others first James, it’s just your nature. But I’m asking you, please, put yourself first. If there were women in that trailer, if they are dead and you go and find that out then what will that do to you? Maybe you’ll be fine, but if I know you at all, and I do, then you’ll blame yourself. I’m sure you already do. Please stay here, please. You blamed yourself for Sam and you were ready to drink yourself into oblivion. That incident just happened out of nowhere, this time, it was part of a plan that you put together. There is no doubt in my mind that you feel responsible. I’m here to tell you you’re not, you couldn’t have known. So I’m going to ask you one more time, please stay here.” Another tear rolled down her cheek.
I wiped it away, “How do you know me so well?”
She smiled, “You’re not the only one who pays attention,” I laughed and then, for the second time in a long time, I cried. After about a minute I was able to wrestle my emotions back down and wipe away the tears from my eyes. “Can I ask you something?” she said holding my hand.
“What?”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?”
“Why didn’t you try to be more?”
I laughed, “It’s stupid.”
“Come on tell me”
“I was afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Losing you. I was scared that if I did anything to be more, to get closer to you that you would reject me and that when you did you would push me away. I wanted to be more Sarah, but not at the cost of possibly losing you as my friend. That was too high of a price to pay.”
“You’re so stupid,” she laughed.
“So I’ve been told.”
“Well Mr. Ryan, you’ve got me. What are you going to do now?”
“Oh I do, do I?”
“Mhmm.”
“Well first, I’m going to tell you that you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. Then I’m going to tell you that I love you. Finally, I’m going to do this,” I kissed her. It was slow and held every emotion I could muster, happiness, sadness, joy, fear, hope and love were all bundled together to form something indescribable. I pulled away, “Thank you.”
“For?”
“Being you. For somehow understanding me. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“Well you would most certainly not be doing this.” We kissed again.
“We should probably get back to the others.”
“I think they’ll be ok without us.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Maybe?” she said raising an eyebrow.
“You’re right,” I said pulling her down to the bed with me.
“That’s what I like to hear,” she said smiling at me.
We laid there for a long time, staring into each other’s eyes and simply enjoyed being together. I would have loved nothing more than to have spent the rest of my life just lying in bed with Sarah but I knew it wouldn’t last and as if on cue there was a knock at my door. “Yeah?” I said as I sat up with a groan.
The door opened and Thomas poked his head in, “Hey man, are we headed to check out the hospital?”
I looked at Sarah who was now sitting up next to me and then back to him “No, we’re staying here.”
“Alright, I’ll let the guys know.”
“You do that. Wait,” he poked his head back in, “how many of you were ready to go?”
“All of us.”
“You mean you and the other guys?”
“No, I mean we were all ready to go with you, except Liz and Michelle of course.”
“Oh, ok. Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it,” he said and closed the door.
I ran my hand through my hair again. “If you haven’t noticed, we’re all here to help you. You don’t have to do anything by yourself,” said Sarah.
“How did I get so lucky?” I muttered.
“What was that?”
“I said how did I end up with such great friends and the most amazing girl?”
“I don’t know but I’ll tell you something Mr. Ryan, flattery will get you everywhere?”
“There is a lot to flatter,” I said smiling.
“Oh shush. Come on, let’s get you something to eat, you must be hungry.”
“Yes, dear.”
She got up and as she left said, “James.”
“Yeah?”
“Put a shirt on.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yep. I don’t like sharing.”
“Yes, dear.”
“I think I could get used to that,” she said and with that, she was gone.
I sat back down and let out a long breath, “So could I,” I said quietly. I got up and, following orders, put my cutoff back on and went to the kitchen. “What time is it?” I asked.
“It’s about two,” said Justin.
“Wow, I was out for a while.”
“Could have been longer. You pulled some serious Jason Bourne shit. I’m surprised you didn’t pass out from sheer exhaustion let alone all the injuries you picked up,” said Jason.
“You don’t even know the half of it,” I said and then told them what I did after I got the girls out safely. I kept what Cole said about us being the same to myself.
“Cold dude,” said Matt.
“What?”
“What you did to Cole. Cold.”
My eyes hardened, “No. He deserved it. What those bastards did and tried to do was terrible, but what Cole did. Not only did he allow it to happen he perpetuated it. He gave the orders to capture Sarah and Christina. So you know what, if I could have drawn out his death, even more, I would have. His punishment was to know what was going to happen to him and be unable to do anything about it. Just like Christina, Sarah and everyone women he ordered the capture and rape of. He got what was coming to him.”
“I agree man,” said Thomas.
“How’s your arm?” I asked him.
“Good. Christina’s been taking care of me.”
I smiled, “How’s she doing?”
“She’s good. She was really scared after the hospital but she’s getting better. I’m just thankful that nothing serious happened and that she’s back.”
“Me too. Alright everyone, here’s what we’re going to next,” I looked around at all the determined faces. They would be ready to do whatever I asked. “Nothing. No raids, to scouting no nothing. I want everyone to relax and refuel. We’ve had and an interesting couple of days so I think it’s time for a break.
“But…” began Matt but I cut him off.
“No. We need the time to recover, we need the break.
They agreed, although begrudgingly and they separated to find something to do. Late that night I found myself sitting with Thomas and Christian in the living room. “How’s the arm?” I asked Thomas.
“Can’t really complain, I mean I was shot.”
“True. How about you Christian, how are you doing?”
“I’m ok,” she said
quietly.
I had noticed that Christian refused to leave Thomas’ side. They were usually inseparable but it was because they wanted each other’s company, but now it was like she was scared to leave his side. I guess it was going to take longer for her to get over what happened. I can’t even imagine how things would have affected her if we had waited any longer. A few hours could have meant the difference between being scared and being harmed. I wasn’t worried, those two had been together for a long time, they survived the Walkers, gotten married and they would survive this. “Good, I’m glad everything turned out fine.” I smiled softly.
“Because of you,” said Christina.
“Because of all of us,” I disagreed.
“Whatever you say James,” Thomas said shaking his head.
I sighed, unwilling to argue with them, “I think I’m going to head to bed.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” said Christina getting to her feet.
“Good night,” they said together before walking away.
I turned to Sarah as she walked into the room, “So, are you ready for bed?”
“Sure,” she shrugged.
“Ok, let me check on a few things and I’ll be right in.”
“Don’t take too long,” she smiled.
“I’ll try not to,” I said getting to my feet. I went outside and stood in the open air, breathing in the fresh air and enjoying the silence. Its stark contrast to the chaos I had left behind at the hospital a relief in itself. Taking one last deep breath I head inside and walked around the quiet house, checking doors and window, making sure everything was locked up for the night.
Using one of the several flashlights we kept around the house I made my way to my room. Opening my door I saw that I had obviously taken too long because Sarah was already asleep in the bed. She had changed into a pair of my shorts and a t-shirt and was curled up in my bed. I smiled and grabbed some clothes and changed in the bathroom. Back in my room, I eased onto the bed so as to not disturb her. I later learned that she had stayed awake when I was unconscious and this was the first rest she’d gotten in a while. I inched as close to her as I could without waking her and rested my head on the pillow. She moaned and moved a bit, muttering something about a backrub and I did my best to not laugh. I fell asleep quickly and regretted it immediately. I dreamt that night not of my friends on wooden pyres, not of my own death at the hands of the Walkers, not even of my failure to save my friends, but of something far worse. In my dream I was in a position of power, I had the loyalty of dozens of people and I was just like Cole. I commanded ex-soldiers and cops. I lorded my authority over the civilians I was protecting, even my friends who tried to make me see reason. I could have dealt with the dream, understood that it was my mind telling me not to make poor choices, to be a good leader, except for one part of the dream that chilled me to the core. I was standing before all the people under my command and I was determining the fate of several people. As they walked closer to me I realized that they were my friends and that I was about to pass judgment on them. The view of the dream switched, I was no longer seeing things through my eyes but from a third-person view. I watched, unable to stop myself as I put a gun to my friend’s heads and pulled the trigger. Each one of them died in slow motion, my bullet blossoming out of the back of their skulls like a gruesome flower. I walked down the line and each one fell until I reached Sarah at the end of the line. I didn’t know if I could watch myself kill her but what I saw was far worse. Instead of shooting her like I had the others I pulled her to her feet and paraded her in front of the screaming crowd. I don’t know what I was saying but it managed to rile the crowd even more. It was then that I notice the pit that lay behind me. I drug Sarah over to the edge of the pit and as the view changed I saw that it was filled with Walkers, their arms reaching up and their jaws clicking away like hungry dogs. Then the ‘me’ that was holding a defiant Sarah turned and looked directly at me. I saw a smile spread on his face that was mine, and yet nothing like mine. I knew I could never make such a grotesque and insane smile. Still looking at me he shoved Sarah into the pit and into the waiting hands of the Walkers. As she fell I called out, screaming “No,” and then I sat up in bed.
I was covered in a cold sweat and my breathing was heavy. Sarah sat up next to me and asked, “Are you ok?”
“He was right,” I muttered.
“Who was right?”
“What?”
“You said he was right. Who?”
“Oh, uh never mind. It’s… it’s not important.”
“James, tell me.”
“Please, just go back to sleep.”
“You don’t have to keep everything to yourself. You can tell me, maybe I can help.”
“There’s nothing to help Sarah. I’m fine. Let’s just go back to sleep ok?”
I knew I hadn’t heard the last of this but she grudgingly said, “Ok,” and we fell back to sleep, her in my arms. I had the dream two more times that night but didn’t wake again. I figured that this was my punishment for letting those women I hadn’t even known die.
CHAPTER 19
The next few days were spent playing basketball, playing pool and practicing martial arts. The last might seem like work but to those who practice them it’s calming and actually fun. I spent quite a bit of time with Sarah, as much as I could actually, and our friendship grew into something much more. I felt as though I was making up for lost time with her and I wanted to make amends for not acting sooner. I would have said that the few days we spent relaxing was perfect if it wasn’t for the fact that my nights were plagued by nightmares, each worse than the last. I still had the same dream where I sent Sarah into the pit of Walkers but I also had dreams of capturing other women, of ordering the murder of innocent civilians and of the women in the storage unit. The last one was the most vivid of them all. I could see their faces, once whole and healthy, were gaunt, bruised and broken. They were either naked or wore only bloody rags and were chained to the walls and the floor. I was standing amongst them, unable to help, when the gas trunk exploded. The storage unit shook violently and tipped over, the thin metal walls pierced by shrapnel and becoming part of the wall of death that tore them apart. I saw, in detail, the deadly pieces of shrapnel rip through the women, freeing them from their own personal hell on earth. Once the unit stopped moving and the metal stopped flying there was silence until the women started to moan and scream and call out for help. They had been raped and tortured by Cole’s men for who knows how long and yet they called out for them. I guess it shows that when death is imminent any and all alternatives are preferred. When the explosion ended I was able to move, only to get a closer look at the women who now lay dying. Shrapnel had cut into them and fire had burned them. Their faced were now bloody and charred and stared at me for help. They cried out for me to help them, blaming me for their death. “Why didn’t you check the container?” “Why didn’t you look for us?” “Murderer” they echoed. Soon they didn’t just remain where they had fallen, they got to their feet, some with skin falling off, and others with broken bones that had punctured through their skin, and they came for me. I couldn’t move as the disfigured and deformed women sought their revenge. They were like the Walkers but worse, they could think, speak and condemn me for my actions. After I had this dream I would wake violently, not with a scream, but a gasp and I would taste bile in my mouth. Each time Sarah would ask me about the dream and each time I would tell her I was fine and keep the details from her. It was my burden, my punishment to bear and I refused to suck her into my despair.
I sat up, drenched in sweat and went over the dream in my head again. It wasn’t the worst I’d had but it was still pretty bad. “James you can’t keep doing this.”
“What? What am I doing?” I asked in frustration, my anger getting the better of me.
“Blaming yourself. Keeping this inside, keeping it from me.”
“I’m fine. Really.”
“You’re a bad liar James.”
“I’m a great liar” I smiled at her, trying to lighten the mood.
She frowned “Not with me. You’ve never been able to lie to me.”
“No. I’ve never wanted to lie to you, I’ve never needed to.”
“Until now,” she said frowning deeper.
“I’m not lying.”
“Well, you’re not fine.”
“I just… I just have to go back and check out the hospital again. I have to see the storage container for myself.”
Survivors Series (Book 1): Heroes Aren't Born Page 28
