To: Graham Wallace
Bad luck, but at least you’re not a C! Actually, I’m an A—probably a fluke! Have you heard about Rog or Faith??
Mart
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora
Sorry not to have got back to you sooner, but everything’s been going mad here. The powers that be have decided in their wisdom that yours truly is an A. Although I wasn’t surprised, I was relieved, because in this place (as I have discovered to my cost!!) reward isn’t always aligned with talent. Think Roger.
I’ve been thinking about some of your suggestions. I’m 145 percent in favor of giving something back to the community. It is a matter of finding the right fit.
RE my family, I’ve decided against touching base with my father, even if it was possible to find where he is. He’s a C if ever there was one, and I can’t see any value added coming from a meeting. Re Katherine, I’ll mull it over. Closure might do us both a lot of good.
And re Keri—you’re barking up the wrong tree there! She’s a great gal, and a terrific PA, but that’s about as far as it goes!!
22.5 percent better than my very bestest
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
Just a quick note to congratulate you on being an A. But as your most sincere fan, I think you should view it as a baseline. You can go further. Ask what is the point of being an A? Is it an end in itself? Think of that eulogy. You are the creovative ™ guy who never stopped pushing the envelope. Go push that envelope! Give something back!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Bettina Schmidt
Bettina
I understand that you are upset, but I think we need to look at this calmly. First, any decision to make you a C did not emanate from myself. Your response is perfectly natural and is the first step of the SARAH cycle. When you hear difficult news, the first response is Shock and Anger. In time you may feel a little Resentment moving on towards Acceptance. The final H is either hope or happiness, can’t remember which!
In the long term, you will discover that being a C is the right thing for you. It gives you the chance to be redeployed somewhere where the fit is better!
You might not believe this, but I can be pretty vulnerable myself, and have had one or two knocks along the way. SARAH has proved very useful to myself dealing with disappointment and moving on.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Rog is an A???? That is absolutely fucking bonkers. He doesn’t possess any of the values at all—except obsession—about saving the marginal 2p. And Christo as well?? If they make idiots like that A, it really devalues the currency.
JULY 8
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tart
My darling Pinky
Thank you for last night … you are so sexy and funny and lovely. I’m only sorry that the evening ended on a slightly off note. I realize that it is hard on you getting closer and closer to yours truly and then having to put up with the fact that I go home to Jens every night.
But I was speaking the total truth when I said the corporal hasn’t been anywhere near her in ages. You are the only one for me (and him!!). The hanky-panky side of our relationship ended pretty much some time back.
You have to believe me when I say that I do want to be with you properly, I promise. Cross Porky’s heart. But I can’t leave her just now when Max hasn’t even started at Eton yet. Give me time.
We would be brilliant together. We ARE brilliant together.
Love you very very very much
Porky
JULY 10
From: Martin Lukes
To: Phyllis Lukes
Dearest Mummy
Thanks for your message. You said you were sure I’d be an A—and guess what?? I am! Obviously v pleased though playing the diplomat here a bit as there are a lot of disappointed people about—Jens included!
Delighted you’ve settled in so quickly back home and that your knee is behaving itself. It’s probably more restful being home than it was staying chez nous!!
Don’t worry about Jake—I know he’s drinking a bit—but they all do it after GCSEs these days. Look at Tony Blair’s sons! At least last week Jake passed out in the privacy of his own house! Did I tell you Max scooped up all the prizes at prize day … rugby, maths, debating, he even got a cup for kindness!
Haven’t got any other news except that Pandora has had me planning my funeral! Don’t say anything mum—it was actually very revealing about myself. It got me thinking about Katherine and wondering if I should contact her. She always had issues with my overachievement, as she saw it. Which is ridiculous, really, because she was a bit of a slogger but always got there in the end, if my memory serves. Do you have an e-mail address for her?
I must go now, and earn my salary. We’ll come down at the weekend. And if the weather’s nice, might nip off for a game of golf at the RAC club as one of my colleagues just became a member.
Yr loving son
Martie
PS I can’t believe that you’re gardening again. Actually I can believe it knowing you!
JULY 12
From: Roger Wright
To: All Staff
IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ
I am very sorry to inform all staff that an incident of a serious nature has occurred re Project ABC. There is evidence that an individual or individuals have gained access to computer files and some of the appraisals have been tampered with.
This is an exceptionally serious matter and we have decided that we will be getting our IT experts to search the hard disks of every computer in the office. All e-mails and all files will be examined by myself, and by Jeff Grout, Director of IT.
In the meantime all As, Bs and Cs are considered only provisional.
I know I can count on your assistance in this matter.
Roger Wright
Acting Chairman
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Who do you think it was?? I’ve got my suspicions. Frankly what concerns me are some pretty dodgy e-mails on the system I’ve sent to Keri … aarrgghh.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Max Lukes
Hi Max—
This is Dad again in my role as technical ignoramus!!! Max, you’re the computer whiz of the family, and I just wanted to ask your advice on something. We’ve had a bit of a security breach here, and I’m trying to help the IT guys. Suppose someone had sent a load of messages on e-mail at work, and deleted all of them—would they still be there on the hard drive? And how easy would it be to delete?
Love, Dad
PS Probably best not to mention this to mum. She doesn’t like it when I help out people in other departments. She says I should be more focused on my own priorities, and then come home on time!!!
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Set up hotmail account for you. [email protected] password: privatepussy.
From: porkyperky@hotmail
To: kinkypinky@hotmail
Dearest KP
From now on, HOTMAIL ONLY. NO MORE e-mailS on the work system. We can’t be too careful.
According to Max there is a way of removing all trace … he’s got a couple of ideas but I need some access codes which must be somewhere in the IT dept. I need to get in at night when everyone’s gone …
Pp xx
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
Pinky … you haven’t got much faith in my IT skills, I’m pretty confident I can do it. The main problem is going to be explaining to J why I’m going out yet again …
Perky
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling
Tim Zadek from Boogie Gargle Fink has asked me at the last minute t
o go to Glyndebourne tonight to see Carmen. You know I love Puccini, so I’ve said yes. He’s only got one ticket … so fraid it’s just me. Won’t be back till v late. Hope you don’t mind.
Love you
M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Bizet, whatever. I’ll send a cab home to get my dinner jacket.
JULY 13
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
Disaster. Failed mission … don’t want to go into details just now—Maybe a good idea if we don’t see each other for a bit …
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
Sweetie … don’t be like that … please … please understand my whole life is flashing before my eyes …
Worried Perky x
JULY 14
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora—
I have a serious issue I need to share. Long story short, a low-key relationship has developed between myself and my PA Keri. All very casual, which is why I hadn’t mentioned anything. If anything, my relationship with her has been very much in keeping with your teachings, about being with younger people to reduce my psychological age etc. Anyway we now have a situation where some idiot (I’ve got my suspicions) has been fiddling with the appraisals, and all e-mails are now being read.
Unfortunately there are a couple of e-mails on the system I’ve sent to Keri that might be misinterpreted. Obviously, now that I’m an A player, it’s imperative that I am seen to eat, drink, breathe all six values 24/7. Quite apart from rocking the boat with J.
So I went in the office late last night trying to do a bit of deleting on the hard disk. Unfortunately I was seen by the head of IT who now suspects me of tampering with the grades myself.
Help!
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Martin, most of the time, I just love being a coach. It is one of the most amazingly exciting jobs in the world, but sometimes it’s one of the toughest jobs too. When I read your e-mail just now I felt my own energy levels depleted. I felt you had drilled a big hole in my colander, and I was literally watching the energy drain away.
Martin, I am saddened. You have not been truthful to me. Or to yourself. You have violated your values. If you lie to yourself, you do not respect yourself, deep down. And without self respect you cannot generate self love.
I can’t tell you what to do now. You must feel for the true path yourself. Let the GROW model help you do the right thing.
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
With the greatest respect, I don’t think this is the time for a GROW model. I have sent some e-mails to my PA that would not look good if read by others. I am now wrongly suspected of fiddling with the ABC grades. My wife may leave me. I may be the laughingstock of the company. I may be fired.
No wins here, only some losses more totally horrendous than others.
Not better than my best at all
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Martin—I quite disagree! There are HUGE wins here from doing the right thing. Remember NO FAILURE—ONLY FEEDBACK! To get back onto the track of being better than the best you can be takes great courage. And I know you have that!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
JULY 15
From: Roger Wright
To: All Staff
Subject: IMPORTANT PLEASE READ
A meeting will be held this afternoon at 1500hrs in the staff restaurant to discuss urgent developments re ABC. It is imperative that every staff member attends promptly.
Roger Wright
Acting Chairman
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling
Could we do lunch today? There is something I wanted to talk to you about quite urgently. All Bar One on Canning Town High Street?
Love you, M xx
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
Pinky—I’ve got to tell her. I’m going to play it down as much as poss, say you were a one-night stand … that it’s all over anyway … no big deal. Wish me luck. Perky
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
Pinky, you’re not being very supportive. Don’t you see how hard this is for me?
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
Keri—Jens has taken it very badly. She said I was a cretin, and all sorts of highly hurtful things about you—Tartt by name, tart by nature, moronic new age antipodean etc—I’ll spare you the details.
Sweetie, what this means is that we are going to stop seeing each other. I’m totally gutted, but I really can’t see any alternative. I know you are going to be upset, and I can’t bear that, but what can I do? I want you to know that it’s been really wonderful. I mean it. I’m going to miss you, but I think there is a time for doing the right thing … can’t talk about it now … it’s Rog’s meeting now. Better go up separately …
Martin
From: Roger Wright
To: All Staff
I would like to document the proceedings of today’s meeting for those staff members unable to attend.
We have discovered that the discrepancies in ABC rankings were as a result of statistical errors inputting data carried out by junior members of the team. There will be no further investigations into this matter.
Members of staff with incorrect grades will receive notification by the end of the week.
Roger Wright
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
I don’t fucking believe it … I’ve just come clean to the ladywife (actually, not 110 percent clean as I said it was just a couple of flirtatious e-mails, and I had only kissed her once). Jens went nuclear, and I’ve split with Keri. And all for nothing—Great reward for honesty. If I am now downgraded to a B, I’m going to kill myself.
M
JULY 20
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Hi Keri
Can you go through my schedule for next week, and get me a large latte. And please don’t look like that. This is very hard for myself too.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Jesus Christ! I would have forgotten altogether … Thanks for reminding me! Catastrophe averted!!
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling—Don’t think for a minute I had forgotten your birthday! What do you want? Would really like to push the boat out for you a bit this year. M XX
From: Martin Lukes
To: Bettina Schmidt
Hi Bettina!
Well what did I tell you? I’m delighted that you’ve been upped to a B! So you won’t be leaving us after all! No one could be gladder than myself!
I told you that the SARAH cycle ended in Hope, and I wasn’t wrong, was I?
Best, Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Listen darling. I know you’re a tiny bit cross with me and my brief silliness over Keri, so I’ve got you something lovely for your birthday—a luxury weekend to Champneys!! All the treatments … shiatsu, massage, facials, pedicures, you name it. You deserve the break, and I’ll take the boys. I’d like to have a bit of quality time with them …
Hope you really enjoy it and destress a bit! It will show you that there’s more to life than work …
Love you, M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling, that’s great, well done! Did you get the letter just now? I must say I’m not at all surprised. I was sure you’d be an A—apart from anything it looks bad if none of the top women are A’s. And I was sure Keith wou
ld look after you!
M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
I’m feeling thirsty all of a sudden. Drink?
JULY 21
From: Barry Malone
To: All Staff
Howdy! Project ABC has been an astounding success! I am humbled by the hundreds of grateful e-mails I have received from Cs thanking me and telling me how they have been empowered to go forward and use their talents!
At a-b glöbâl we have passion for integrity. A passion for driving performance. But the greatest of all is a passion for the communities we live in.
We will never achieve Phenomenal Performance Permanently unless we think of our corporate heart, and of what we are giving back.
Everywhere I go within this company I meet co-leaders who say: what can I do to contribute? And we have decided our value added lies with the global under-16 community. Kids in every geography are our seed corn. They are our future. I have tasked Cindy Czarnikow in Atlanta and Jenny Withers in London with heading up the Project.
I love you all
Barry
From: Jenny Withers
To: All Staff
Hi everyone
As you will have read from our CEO’s memo, this week sees the launch of Project Global Seed Corn—our way of giving back to children globally. This is a phenomenally exciting initiative that will enable us to achieve our goal of sustainable triple bottom-line growth. This week I am asking every department to come up with ways of improving the lives of children, not in a one-time way, but as part of a long-term relationship that will grow the seed corn!
Who Moved My Blackberry? Page 13
