by Toby Neal
“You son of a bitch.” JT shakes out his hand, glaring. “I should have kept an eye on you, you sneaky bastard. What the hell were you thinking? What right do you have to go after her? We are her blood. We are her family. You’re just the asshole who broke her heart.”
The truth of JT’s words hurts more than the blows. I bend at the waist and spit a mouthful of blood onto the ground between my feet. Should I just admit I’m in love with Lucy? But I haven’t claimed her, haven’t declared myself to her. And I never will. “Do what you’ve got to do until you’re satisfied. Just tie Shadow up first.”
JT’s anger seems to dissipate at that, as if he expected something more from me, expected me to fight back, to defend what I did. Even Luca just glares at me, shaking his head, muttering and cussing.
I had no right to do what I did. I have no claim on Lucy. In fact, I rejected her when she could have been mine. That doesn’t change the fact that the loss of her is gutting me.
“You’re just damn lucky I didn’t let Cash and Dolf come out here too,” JT says. “Cash is talking about taking your skin off with a paring knife. Avital is in labor, and Dolf’s got his hands full right now—but he’s going to help Cash take your skin off later, for sure.”
“I can take his skin off, just fine,” Luca says, holding up his massive combat blade.
Avital is having the babies? They’ve known she was carrying twins for months now.
My head is still thumping from the brothers’ blows, but the thought of that sweet lady, with all she’s been through, having complications… “Is—Avital in trouble? With the twins?”
“You almost sound like you care, Roan.” JT narrows his eyes at me. “Nani’s with her, and Elizabeth. Dolf too, though I imagine he’s just got his head between his knees, breathing into a bag while Mama rubs his back.”
The idea of intense, competent Dolf so reduced almost makes me smile, but I can’t muster it.
Luca continues. “Nani and Elizabeth know how to help her. I read a book Nani gave me, but I don’t know how I’m going to get through it when she goes into labor. I’d rather run through a battlefield in Fallujah than watch her suffer.”
That reminds me of Lucy. Suffering. I bend over and retch, spitting up blood.
JT whacks me on the back, making Shadow growl again. “Get your shit together, Roan. We need to come up with a plan to get Lucy that will actually work.” He spits the words at me. “Come inside so you can give us everything you’ve been holding back.”
Chapter Twenty
Elizabeth
I take off my glasses and set them on the sink. Cool water chills my heated face as I splash water on it. I rub at my tired eyes, avoiding my reflection in the bathroom mirror.
If Avital’s labor goes on much longer, Nani will have to operate. So much can go wrong with twins.
Please, God, let Avital deliver without intervention.
A guttural moan from the other room pulls my attention to the closed door. What was it like for my mother? I was born in Maryland, at the local hospital, in a private room, at an ungodly hour…that’s all I know. All I ever cared to know. I never asked my mom a lot of questions about my birth, figuring I had time for all those conversations. I thought I had time for everything.
By leaving my parents in DC, I avoided worry about them. I could assume they were alive and healthy, and that gave me room to concentrate on life here: working on the new vaccine with Nani’s supervision, enjoying my marriage, helping out everywhere I could.
I wash my hands in the sink. Lucy’s kidnapping and Avital’s labor are at the forefront of my mind even as my mother floats through my consciousness: her delicate hands, the way she cocked her head when I spoke to her—she cared, really cared. Maybe she didn’t always show it the way I wanted her to—but no one loved me like she did.
A fresh wave of grief and overwhelm crashes over me. I ache to have my mom run her fingers through my hair, to feel the tug of the hairbrush and her gentle hands as she pulls my hair into a ponytail.
Even with JT, the Lucianos, and this amazing community, I miss my mother’s touch… And Dad showing up has been upsetting. He’s so old. So disheveled. So unlike himself. In the months since I saw him, he’s gone from a tall, proud, decisive man to someone haggard, unkempt, with an air of regret and darkness lurking around him.
I know what it takes to get from DC to Idaho. There is no way Dad wasn’t forced to kill people enroute.
The wide eyes of the motorcycle raider I shot on the side of the road flash across my memory. Guilt for the thousands I’m killing each day by not creating the vaccine fast enough wraps around me.
My mother is just one of millions I couldn’t save.
I shake my head, trying to throw off the depression cloaking me. Mama Ana finally went to bed, wiped out with stress, and I need to get back to Avital. She has Dolf, who is being amazing, holding her hands, rubbing her back, telling her how brave and wonderful she is, what a great mother she is. He’s a rock, just what she needs right now.
A hiccup of a sob makes its way past my resolve and I rest my head against the bathroom door for a moment, steeling myself to re-enter the room.
What will it be like when JT and I have a baby? If we ever have one at all? That’s another reality I’ve ignored: obsessed with finding the vaccine, JT and I haven’t even discussed it.
And I know he’s afraid.
JT lost both his wife and his daughter the last time he tried to have children. And I can’t imagine taking on motherhood before I’ve created the vaccine. It’s just not the right time.
But how much time do we have?
The baby JT and I want, the unspoken wish that lies between us when we hold each other, is taking up more space each day. With the loss of my mother the question of my own motherhood is a blinking neon sign, lighting up my brain, distracting it from more pressing matters.
Another moan from Avital gives me the strength and purpose to walk out of the bathroom.
Dolf is seated on a sturdy armchair and Avital’s leaning on him, their heads close together, her hands on his shoulders as her hips swing back and forth and he whispers encouragement to her. She’s wearing one of Dolf’s loose button-down shirts and her red hair is braided, wisps wet with sweat haloing her bent head. The sounds coming out of her are low and intense.
Could I even handle that?
The contraction passes and Avital slumps against her husband, breathing deeply, her eyes closed. Dolf looks up and catches my gaze, and his eyes are filled with terror. Seeing strong, brave Avital in so much pain is frightening.
But with that terror comes strength. When it comes down to fight or flight, Dolf fights, and so does Avital.
Just like JT. Just like my Dad. Just like me.
My mom didn’t have that fight in her. But she gave birth to me. She grew me inside her and then fought to bring me into this world. Avital whispers something against Dolf’s chest and he looks down at her. “You’re sure?”
She nods. “It’s time to push.”
Dolf looks at me, his eyes pleading. Let her survive.
I give a strong nod, reassuring him. This is how it is supposed to be. This is all natural, and as painful as it looks, Avital does not seem worried. She would know if there was something wrong, and in a few minutes, we’ll have Nani check on everything.
“I’ll go get Nani.”
Dolf helps Avital over to the bed as I hurry down the hall to Nani and Luca’s rooms.
The twins are coming. Dolf and Avital are about to be parents. Whether the babies arrive now, or Avital has to go into surgery, these kids will fight for life too.
Nani answers the door when I knock, wearing a tunic top and yoga pants. She’s been resting, but waiting for me to summon her. Her thick hair, a nimbus of dense black curls, touches her shoulders, grown out since she arrived. She’s beautiful in an exotic way, shiny and ripe in her pregnancy. Taking in my expression, Nani steps into the hall and closes the door.
The heavy dome of her a
bdomen seems lower, even, than yesterday, her belly so big that it brushes my hip. She will be a mother, soon, too. “What’s happening?”
“Avital says it’s time to push.”
Nani nods and we start down the hall. She takes my arm as we walk. “I just want to say how much I appreciate the hard work you’ve done on the vaccine. On everything.”
“Of course. I’m here to help.” Helping is second nature. “Helping is what we do.” I hear the words in my dad’s voice, ringing with conviction.
“But you’ve carried the load of the virus work virtually alone because I couldn’t take the risk of any exposure. I’ve been there to discuss, problem-solve, strategize…but it’s you who’ve done it all. Because of this.” Her smooth tan hand strokes her belly protectively. “I just want to thank you. In case no one else has. Because I know exactly how hard you’ve worked.”
I can’t help but smile as I allow myself a brief moment of pride. “It’s good to hear that from someone I respect so much.” We stop at the doorway into Dolf and Avital’s apartment. Nani leans over to hug me. Her belly, pressed into mine, pushes strongly against me and we both smile down at the moving bulge. “Your time will come,” she says. “When we have the vaccine.”
“I don’t know if we’re ready…” My voice is low and I’m surprised by the note of sorrow that it rings with. “But I’m willing to try. When the time is right.”
A deep moan reaches us through the door. “We’ll see how you feel about it after this.” Nani smiles, indicating the apartment. “Now let’s go deliver some babies.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Roan
It takes hours to tell the brothers everything I know about the mine: the number of men, the route, the fortifications, and the response to my attack. I stagger down the hall, heading toward the hatch exit out of the underground bunker that leads into the barn and my little living area. I need a shower and some first aid.
I can’t sleep down in the bunker. The only Luciano to have trouble with that is Cash, but even he’s settled in down here out of necessity, with his wife the target of Kane’s aggression.
I roll my shoulders, feeling the ache of my exertions as I reach the first of the bombproof doors leading to the barn exit.
Shadow’s turned head alerts me to company. Elizabeth, pale and wrung out, her shiny blonde hair limp and bedraggled, approaches me.
My eyes widen. “Is everything okay with Avital?”
She gives a little nod and a soft smile. “Yes, two healthy boys. Avital was fantastic. No complications, thank God.”
The release in my shoulders expresses the relief I feel. “That’s good news.”
Elizabeth puts a delicate, cool hand on my arm. I sensed the depths in this woman from the first day she crashed into JT’s potato field. She’s so much stronger than she appears, and goodness shines out of her eyes now, just like it did then. Goodness matched by JT.
They are perfect together.
“Roan. I know why you did what you did.”
I shrug her hand away. “I’m responsible. We argued, and Lucy was taken when I should have brought her home.” It’s hard to say her name; it sticks in my throat like tears.
“No. You went because you love her. You couldn’t not try to win her back. The only mistake was not letting anyone help you. You’re going to be unstoppable when all of you go, together.”
I stand frozen, my gaze on the door’s keypad.
She knows.
Do they all know?
I steel myself and turn to her. “You know how Lucy’s been. Relentless. She wouldn’t give me a minute’s peace. I could have had her a dozen times if I’d wanted. I don’t want Lucy.” I say the words hard and cold, to try to make them true, to cut myself off from this family, from this soul-sapping love.
Because if Lucy dies, I’ll die too.
Elizabeth recoils like I slapped her. “You’ve got a mean streak.”
I grin, and it’s scary-looking from the way she blinks. “You’re just discovering that?”
“If Lucy gets through this, she’s going to need you. To recover.”
“I’m not her therapist. Or her boy toy.”
Elizabeth breaks into a wide smile. “No one could ever mistake you for a therapist or a boy toy, Roan, good-looking as you are. No.” She steps up and gives my chest a pat. “No, she needs someone not afraid to have the courage to love. I hope you’re brave enough.” She pats me again, light and gentle. “This is going to leave a scar,” she says, gesturing to the wound on my cheekbone. “And Lucy is going to adore it.” Elizabeth cocks a finger and points it at me like a gun. “You don’t fool me, Roan Winters. You’re in love with her. Be a man and admit it.”
I grunt and shrug, turning away from her to key in the code. Elizabeth walks off, taking all the light with her.
In the barn, I patch up my cheek and check Adelle’s leg. As I’m wrapping it, young Paul comes in. He doesn’t say anything, just stands at the door of the stall watching me.
“Will you keep an eye on her for me?” I ask, turning to the boy. Barely a teenager, Paul’s gangly and tall with the gaze of a much older man. He nods, his eyes holding mine, seeming to understand the pain lancing through me. He reminds me of myself at his age—but he’s got more family now than I ever had.
I’m going to get some rest and work with the Lucianos on getting Lucy back.
Then, I’m leaving. For good.
Morning comes with the loud bleating of the goats waiting to be milked. Chevy, the rooster, raises the rafters—the only downside to my barn abode.
I crack my eyes open and hear the roar of an SUV’s engine in the distance, outside the walls of the Haven.
Another message from Kane!
What will he bring this time? I don’t want to know, and I can’t bear not to.
I’m only wearing my breeches, and my feet are bare. The morning is cold, dew frozen on the ground after an unseasonable cold snap, but I jump on the ATV by the door of the barn and roar down the road.
The family has spotted the messenger. I hear shouts behind me as the inner gate opens and others run out.
A box flies over the gate and lands in the road with a thunk. The SUV tears away as I literally leave the rest of them in the dust.
There should be a machine gun station down here. I’ll talk to JT about that when we have time. Lucy, Lucy, Lucy. Oh, God, please let her be okay…
A buzz of terror surrounds me as I roll up toward the cardboard box. A bowling ball is advertised on the side of it.
A bowling ball is about the size of a head.
If he killed her, he wouldn’t have a hostage to exchange.
I get off the ATV slowly and reach for the package. Sweat breaks out over my whole body as I force myself to pick it up. It’s too light to hold her head. There’s that, at least.
But I don’t have the courage to open the box.
Cash is the first to reach me, sweat gleaming on his bare chest and arms. He ran all the way out here, and he’s wearing nothing but pajama bottoms. Guy’s built for distance and speed. He rips the box away from me, but then sets it back on the ground like it burns him. JT, Luca, and Dolf reach us and gather around, pushing me back.
It’s new father Dolf, looking gray with fatigue, who squats and opens it.
A small, pale finger rests on a bed of bloody, wadded up toilet paper. The skin is pale from blood loss. A bit of bone gleams at the ragged edge. The nail is painted shell pink.
I gave Lucy that polish.
Dolf turns away, retching. Luca puts his head back to howl like a wolf. JT covers his face with his hands and stumbles back, color draining from his olive skin. Cash pulls his knife and throws it faster than I can even see. It thunks into the cement wall.
I pick up the box, closing the lid, and get on the ATV.
I’ll bury it before anyone else has to see it. I deserve to be the one to have to deal with what I did to her.
I crank the throttle and roar back the way
I came.
I dig a deep hole behind the barn, then place the box holding that terrible bit of my beloved in the dark, moist soil. I push the earth back into place, then turn the soil all around it, creating a new flower bed along the back wall of the large barn…so that no one need know exactly where her finger lies.
When I’m done, I’m in a calm and distant place. My mind is filled with nothing but white noise.
JT waits for me on the porch of the log cabin.
“Thank you. None of us could…”
Words are meaningless sawdust, but I spit them out anyway. “We will avenge this.”
“Damn right. I convinced Dolf to sit this one out and be with his family, but come down to the Command Center. We have a new plan based on the information you gave us.”
I follow JT down into the earth. I am ready for battle.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Dad
When I hobble into the Command Center on my crutch, Dante, the youngest Luciano brother, rakes me with one glance of gold-colored eyes. He gets up and rolls his chair over to me. Removing a hard-plastic stacker from the pile by the door to sit on himself, he returns to his computers without a word.
This magnetically beautiful and remote man is Melody’s husband. It’s hard to picture two such opposite people as a couple, but not when they’re together. Their passion seems to sizzle and musk the air, a heat that’s almost embarrassing to witness.
I wonder if I’ll ever experience that kind of love. What Susanna and I had was never that…and I’ve lived so long in the shadows.
I’m honored that JT has asked me to come to their “war council” as they plan an assault on the fortress where their enemy Dwight Kane is holding Lucy Luciano.
Ana comes in carrying a tray of sliced zucchini bread and a carafe of coffee. She sets them on the round table used for strategizing. Short and curvy, her long silver-streaked hair in a braid and dressed in a sweatshirt with Kiss the Cook on it over jeans, she carries herself with authority. “John, let me get a look at that foot before the kids come in.”
