by Toby Neal
In the dream we were both naked, now we fumble with our clothing to return to that state.
Our bare bodies finally intertwined, we snuggle and kiss. His voice is a murmur against me, whispering that he loves me, branding each spot “mine, mine, mine,” as he moves down my body. He places soft kisses on my belly. “Hello in there little one.” His voice is almost a song. “I love you.”
Roan moves down, his tongue exploring, his fingers stroking.
He reaches my center and I open for him.
Fear still pulses in both of us, even as we claim each other, embracing our new life. Life demands fear, because death is always near in this harsh new world.
Even with the vaccine and the protection of my family, with the advantage of my knowing and Roan’s ruthlessness, we are still vulnerable. Our union strengthens us and weakens us, because to lose one is to lose the other. But it’s the sense of lingering death that makes life so much brighter, makes it more beautiful than any dream, makes it worth living.
In the dream, we were perfection.
In this cabin, we are real.
We’re lovers, future husband and wife who are going to be parents.
Pulsing waves of pleasure radiate from me. I shatter and am reborn, infused with love, gratitude, and goodness.
Chapter Forty-Two
Roan
“Ah. Lucy.” Saying her name feels so good. Every time I say it, it unlocks more love inside of me. “Lucy. Lucy. Lucy.” I kiss her flushed, replete body all over, just like in my vision, adoring my curvy goddess cuddled in furs, lit by the fire. Her eyes close, a little smile curving her mouth as her body goes almost immediately slack with sleep after her climax. I smile, resting my head on her thigh.
Our child is drawing strength from her, just as it should. I hold her close, her head resting on my shoulder. These sudden sleeps are a part of motherhood. I enjoy watching her eyelids flutter with dreams.
I hope they are happy ones.
Sometime during the night, when the fire’s burnt to ash and cold is seeping in around the room, I roll her over so I can draw the sheets and fur blanket closer around us.
Lucy makes a little mewing sound and presses back against my hardness, cocking a leg in invitation. “I want you, Roan. Now.”
I’ll always be hungry for her. Holding a hip in one hand and a breast in the other, I slide into her slick heat, groaning at the incredible sensation. Her back arches against my front as she whimpers, reaching behind to clasp my buttock and draw me even deeper.
Gentle, easy, natural, like we’ve been doing this for years, for decades, we rock together.
“Lucy,” I say into the tender curve of her ear. “Lucy…Lucy…Lucy.” I reach around and stroke her as I move into her from behind. “Lucy. Lucy, Lucy.” I say her name with every thrust.
She throws her head back, her body going rigid as she cries my name. “Roan!”
Her core clenches me in rhythmic waves. I am fractured by this need, this giving, this receiving.
“Mmm,” she sighs, when we finally settle into a contented jumble of entwined arms and legs. She rolls over and heads to the bathroom I built with her in mind; when I hear the toilet flush, it fills me with satisfaction. My hard work is put to good use.
Lucy climbs back under the blanket and falls asleep with a tiny sigh, and I turn on my side to face her, just listening to her breathe.
How many soulless nights did I spend with women I didn’t care about? Driven by elemental human need and loneliness, JT and I did bar pickups together. We would sip beers and just wait for women to join us.
The next day, we never spoke of how we’d slipped off. And I couldn’t understand the emptiness I sensed in JT after, because I didn’t know how full it could be.
I wonder what JT will say about Lucy and me…
Sleep drops over me like a black cloak as I snuggle closer to the woman I love.
Shadow’s yip wakes me. I’ve always been a light sleeper and my time as the Gray Man has whittled even that to little more than a doze. I wake refreshed this time, though.
A second yip tells me someone’s coming—someone Shadow knows.
One of Lucy’s family, most likely.
I slide out of bed in the early morning light, trying not to disturb her. Pulling on my leather breeches and shrugging into my shirt, I mentally prepare to face whichever Luciano has come in search of their princess.
I won’t let anyone disturb her rest. A surge of protective love tightens my chest as I tuck the fur around her sleeping form. I push my hair back and straighten my shoulders, opening the door, braced for anything from Luca’s punch to Mrs. Luciano scolding.
Pinocchio, JT’s friendly Catahoula, wags his tail, tongue lolling. My friend’s dark brows lift as he comes up the step and stands in front of me with his hands on his hips. “You came back?” He narrows his eyes and shakes his head. “You’re a real asshole.”
I scowl and hold a finger to my lips, thrusting JT back as I close the door behind me. “You’ll wake Lucy. She needs her rest.”
“What the hell do you know about it?” JT whisper-growls as I slide my feet into my moccasins. “You ghosted on her, you faithless piece of shit.”
“I won’t have you waking her!” I shove JT off the porch so hard he stumbles, surprise widening his hazel eyes. “Let’s talk out of earshot of the cabin.” I lead the way over to the water pump.
Early morning gilds the long grass in the clearing, lighting silver drops of dew to mercury. The trees are jagged shapes still holding night in their branches. Mist, drowsing in the shelter of the forest, ambles toward me, hoping for a handout. I pump water into his bucket for something to do.
I don’t look at JT. My chest is constricted, my tongue swollen, my words trapped. Lucy, Lucy, Lucy.
I have to say my piece and convince JT that I love her; that even if I’m not worthy of Lucy, I’ll do my best to be everything she needs.
And she has chosen me, so her whole family can go to hell if they don’t like it.
“I love her. We’re getting married,” I’m still pumping water as I spit the words out past the obstruction in my chest. “Neither you, nor Luca, nor Dolf, nor any of the rest of you can keep me from being with her.”
I finally look up at JT. My breath comes short, my hands are balled into fists. With the right pressure, I can crush his windpipe and end him with one punch.
JT’s a big guy, and deadly when he’s ready for action, but he’s not right now. His eyes are wide, his stance open and unprotected, his arms at his sides. He hasn’t reached for a weapon.
Gradually these facts sink in.
A wave of fear pulses through me. I will destroy anyone or anything that might try to separate me from Lucy—even one of her beloved brothers, my best friend.
She brought me back from the edge just in time.
“I’m sorry I left her.” My voice is calmer. I throw my shoulders back and stand to my full height, almost as tall as he is, and give him a level stare. “I hope you can accept that I’m not going anywhere. And I’ll kill anyone who tries to separate us.”
JT eyes me up and down. “You’re marrying her?”
“As soon as I can. I love her, JT. She is everything to me.”
JT nods, holding my gaze. “I know the feeling.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Mama is going to like the marrying thing…but when you tell her, don’t mention the killing part.” A grin splits his lips. “Wouldn’t want to get on your bad side, brother.” He reaches out a big hand and grabs the back of my neck, hauling me into his embrace, slapping my back hard, kissing my cheeks like he does his brothers. “It’s going to take time for us all to forgive you though… Lucy’s been puking her guts out every day, and Mama’s on her case for being an unwed mother.”
I flush with shame and happiness, a heady cocktail. “She’s been sick?”
“Yeah. Pukes the minute she gets up. In the afternoon, too, and a lot of evenings.” JT shudders. “Basically, all the time.”
“I better get her a pot or something.” I can hardly focus on JT now, I’m so worried. “I’ll be right back.”
I run back to the house, not bothering to off take my moccasins as I hurry inside. Lucy isn’t in the bed!
I hear retching on the other side of the closed bathroom door.
A moment later she opens it and gives me a weak smile. “I can’t wait for this part to be over.”
She is still naked and her breasts are pink with whisker burn and suck marks that I don’t remember inflicting, but can’t wait to do again. I speak with difficulty as I fetch her a cup of water. “JT’s here. I’d like to invite him in, if you want to put something on.”
Lucy has climbed back onto the bed and is wrapping the fur around her waist when I pass her the glass. She sips the water and smiles at the look on my face as I stare at her tits. She bounces naughtily. She seems amazingly recovered, a sparkle in her big brown eyes and a challenge in her voice. “I hope you told him the good news. About us.”
“I did. He was…okay with it.” Relief is taking time to sink in.
“Of course, he was. Everyone loves you, Roan.” She’s serious now, stroking her small, damaged hand up my arm. “You need to believe it. They all think you’re awesome. And my sisters-in-law think you’re hot.” She laughs. “Besides, they just want me to be happy, and you make me happy.”
“C’mon. Can’t a guy get a cup of coffee at this shack?” JT mock-complains from outside. “The hospitality I’m getting from my own family—geez!”
Lucy ducks under the covers, giggling as she feels around for her clothing. I head over to the stove to put on some water. “Give us five minutes, JT. Coffee coming up.”
“I’ll just make myself comfy out here until my sister’s decent,” JT hollers.
“Just be happy you showed up while I was sleeping,” Lucy yells back, getting out of bed and pulling on her pants. “That soundproofing at the Haven you’re so proud of? Well, let’s just say I’m glad I’m next to Mama at the end of the hall. Roan and I are going to be living out here.”
JT opens the door at that, scowling, and brother and sister face off. “You guys shouldn’t be out here in the woods alone. It’s not safe.”
Lucy picks up my belt from the floor and holds it up for JT to see. “Roan is more than capable of taking care of me and our baby.”
Lucy believes in me so completely. My chest expands with pride. Lucy’s love and confidence unlock my voice. “We’ll come back to the Haven whenever there’s a threat. We can use the shortwave to keep in touch, JT. I promise that I’ll personally escort Lucy to your compound if there is ever any danger.”
JT enters the cabin and takes the worn, bloodstained, heavily notched belt from Lucy’s hand. His long fingers caress the stained, marked leather. “The Gray Man,” he whispers. “Shit, Roan.”
“Those days are behind me.” I snatch the belt away and pull out a dresser drawer, tucking the thing out of sight. “I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell anyone.”
“What? Deny me the look on Luca’s face when I tell him that our soon to be brother-in-law is the deadliest guerilla fighter of the Resistance?” JT rubs his hands together and chortles. “Oh no, brother, this is too good. All of us have been speculating on who the Gray Man is, where he’ll strike next. He’s inspired the Resistance to get more organized. We have our own militia group formed here in North Fork, and every able-bodied man and woman participates in patrols. We are going to a rally in Grimesville next week to plan some counterstrikes and get a new political party off the ground.”
Impressing Luca isn’t such a bad thing. I never want to be on the receiving end of his fist again—the guy hits like a hammer. “The Gray Man was something I had to do after…after Dwight Kane and the mine. It’s not going to happen again.”
“Damn right it isn’t.” Lucy slides an arm around my waist and snuggles into me. “Because you’re staying home from now on, where you’re needed.”
She feels so good. I lean down to kiss her.
“You’re going to have to let him out of bed for the Grimesville rally,” JT tells her. “We need the Gray Man to come to that.”
“No way.” The words are clipped. “I don’t want anyone to know.”
“Roan.” Lucy strokes my arm. “The Resistance needs you too…the future is important.”
My heart hammers at the idea of exposing myself at a rally, but the look in Lucy’s eyes as she gazes up at me is more powerful than my fear. She has faith in me. I nod and she smiles turning back to JT, who gasps out a laugh.
“You are so wrapped around her finger.” He whistles low. “And I thought I had it bad.”
“Shut up,” Lucy laughs.
“I guess you two can play house out here, if you insist.” JT cocks a finger at us. “You should come home now, though, and give Ma the good news. She’s been worried sick since Lucy came out here.” His smile widens. “And I can’t wait to see how hard she hits you with her spoon.” JT rubs his hands together like a little boy even as I cringe at the thought of facing Ana’s wrath. JT heads for the door.
“What about that cup of coffee?” I ask.
“Got my own at home,” he says, and lifts a hand in farewell as he shuts us in.
I bar the door behind him, and take Lucy back to bed. “Your mother can wait.”
“Hell yeah, she can,” Lucy laughs, the sound filling our home with joy.
Chapter Forty-Three
Ana
I’m in the garden, digging out Jerusalem artichokes, when I glance up. Wiping the sweat from my brow, I see Roan and Lucy on the porch of the log cabin. They must have come in the back way.
Roan has returned!
I stand up, gripping the pointed shovel in my hand.
That no-good bastard!
I keep a hold of the shovel as I head for the garden gate. I’ve got a thing or two to say to Roan. There is a storm in me and finally I get to unleash it onto the jerk who knocked my daughter up and then abandoned her!
I fling the gate open, and stalk toward them.
They don’t see me coming because they’re too distracted by each other. Roan pulls Lucy against him. Their bodies meld and she gazes up at him. His hand raises and caresses her cheek, he’s whispering something to her.
They’re in love. They’re having a baby.
Roan leans down the few inches between them and kisses her, sweetly, softly. Lucy’s giggle, a gentle rustle in the warm afternoon, reaches me.
I stop my thundering approach, my grip loosening on the shovel.
They look happy. Blissful. A young couple in love, expecting a child.
Lucy turns and, seeing me, she waves, a giant grin on her face. She hasn’t been this happy since before the Scorching…maybe she’s never been this happy.
She grabs Roan’s hand and they start towards me.
I stand there in the grass, watching their approach. In this moment, I’m both the calm bay and the rough, open ocean.
“Ma! Roan is back and we are getting married!”
“Married?” My voice is scratchy, my throat tight. Roan meets my gaze. His gray eyes reflect the blue sky, reminding me of the Atlantic Ocean off the Jersey Shore on a sunny day. “You think you deserve her? After all you’ve done?”
“No ma’am.” His voice is steady, true. “But, I’ll do everything I can to make her happy.”
“He’s worthy of me, Mama, don’t worry.” Lucy wants to rush past this, I can tell.
“Where were you when my daughter needed you?” My voice is quiet, my gaze only on Roan.
Lucy chews her lip and I know she expected yelling. Heck, I planned on yelling! I only yell at those I love. And I don’t love Roan Winters. I’m angry at him, truly deeply enraged by his cowardice and presumption.
Just like my Paulie. Trying to do what was right and hurting those who needed him most in the process. That’s not brave, it’s selfish and foolish!
“Mrs. Luciano.” Roan steps closer to me. His gaze
flicks for a moment onto the shovel I realize I’m brandishing. “I owe you an apology.”
I snort.
“I love your daughter and I should have admitted that a long time ago. Leaving Lucy the way I did is the biggest regret of my life. You’re a great mom and you’ve always been kind and warm to me. I admire and respect you. And I’ll do everything I can to earn back your trust.”
That’s the most words I’ve ever heard from him. Usually Roan’s a stoic statue, hardly speaks more than he grunts, and here he is telling me about how I’m a great mom, that he wants to earn my trust. And dammit if it isn’t working, if I don’t feel a softening inside.
I’m not sure if it’s his words or the way Lucy’s looking up at him—like he’s a hero, her future husband, the father of her child.
“Well, then.” I clear my throat. “You’ve got a long road ahead of you.”
“Yes, ma’am. Thank you.”
“Don’t you be thanking me. Don’t be thanking me for anything.” I turn and head towards my garden. “Show your gratitude by being good to my daughter.”
Back among the tomato vines, surrounded by the scent of rich soil, my favorite perfume, I squat down, hidden from view, and go after some weeds, trying to keep the tears stinging my eyes from getting loose.
Roan has returned. They’re getting married, and Lucille won’t have to face what I faced. She won’t be alone to raise her child.
All of my children have found their partners.
Raising children capable of love, of being committed husbands and wives and growing happy families, has been a dream and goal of mine since they were born.
And now that dream has come to pass.
The tears escape, warming my cheeks as the sun heats my back and I rip at the invading weeds, tearing them out by the roots.
Chapter Forty-Four
