I looked at the still swamp and the tall grass. “I figured that.”
“What—what do you want?”
“To... find Jade.”
“Why?
“Because, because...” I say, a whirl of thoughts begging for attention. “Because, I am worried about her.”
“Why?”
I blinked. “Because I am afraid she’s hurt or needs help.”
“Why does that matter?”
Because I love her immediately sprang to my mind. But I wasn’t going to say that. “Because the world needs her help. The world needs her safe.” The grass rustled. It seemed like it was closing in on us more, like octopus tentacles reaching out and trying to snag and drag us down. I yelped and Nanan glared. “Don’t speak untruths to the river. She knows. She knows what your real motivation is. What is your truth? Why do you want to save Jade?”
There it was. I needed to say it. “Because I am in love with her.” The grass immediately let go and stood tall swaying.
Nanan nodded. “And what are you willing to do to bring her back?”
I breathed in slowly although my mind was a one-hundred-percent clear. “Anything.”
The way in front of us immediately opened as the grass retreated and revealed a small path. Candles floated on the water, casting an eerie yellow glow.
“The river knows you spoke the truth. And she’s willing to collect,” Nanan said. The emotion in her voice was unclear. The boat floated forward, lulling and swaying with the movement in the water. The air crackled with energy. We emerged into a clearing, a wide- open space of water. The water was filled with candles. We were coasting into a lagoon of light. I heard laughter and tears on the breeze. Familiar voices. I looked down into the water and the surface was stained with blurry moving images of my life. Images of my father, my mother, my home, and Jade. It was like a patchwork quilt of memories and candle flame. “What is this place?”
“This is the sacred space of the river. The soul. It reflects the soul of man. It brings forth truth and need. It is where all white magic is born.”
I motion to put my fingers in the water and Nanan doesn’t stop me. The water is crisp and cool. The river’s surface shudders and in a sweet melodic voice, I hear “Your beloved needs you. Are you willing to sacrifice what is necessary to find her?”
“Yes.”
Bones break the surface. Skulls of animals and humans bobbed around us. I swallowed hard and swore quietly as I noticed a small tin house stood on the edge of the swampy river. Nanan pointed at it. “That’s where it will be done.”
She didn’t say it, but as the boat sputtered on, I thought I heard her say, that is where your soul will be torn.
26
JADE
“DO YOU FEEL it?”
My eyes were clenched shut. I held my breath searching within the darkness for the flicker of flame and life, for a hint of Heaven. I couldn’t find it. I let my breath out and opened my eyes, deflated.
Giovanni’s eyes were intense, the blue of them nearly a violent wave of ocean.
“I don’t feel it,” I said. A muscle in his jaw ticked, but he said nothing. He sat back slowly. I hated his calmness, because I knew inside, he was turbulent and wild. Looking at him in this facade of calm made me feel like he was a liar. I swallowed. That was wrong of me. Harsh of me. How many lies had I told? I was a hypocrite.
“I see.”
A silence clung between us. It was uncomfortable, sticky.
“Maybe if I knew what it really felt like...”
Giovanni’s eyes narrowed slightly, but didn’t look at me. “What do you mean?”
“I mean... is it just heat?” I said, “Is that what I am looking for? Some sort of well of heat buried inside me?”
Giovanni loudly exhaled. “No, that isn’t it. When you are near me... don’t you feel it?”
“Well, yes. But you are hot all the time. That’s—” I stopped when Giovanni’s gaze jerked up to me. “Not hot as in sexy,” I clarified a little too quickly. “Hot as in warm.”
“I knew that.” His shoulders fell.
“So, as I said, you just feel warm. Is that what I am supposed to look for?”
Giovanni shook his head, but he looked as if he was at a loss for words.
“Then what?
Giovanni sighed and then trained his gaze at me. He shifted his gaze upwards to the sky, to the stars. “Home.” He closed his eyes. “You are looking for your piece of home—sunlight, beauty, power, glory. You are looking for starlight in your veins. Your sense of strength, where you belong. You are searching for your essence.”
I wanted to scream, instead I bit out through gritted teeth, “Oh, is that all.” That all sounded much more difficult than I wanted to hear.
Giovanni’s lip quirked up on one side.
How could I tell him that mixed into all of that was the cold, the thoughts, the wickedness? How could I say that when I settled into myself, I could still hear the faint screams, which didn’t cause me unrest? I was too ashamed to say it aloud.
Giovanni shifted toward me and looked into my eyes. “Don’t worry. You will find it. I know you will.”
I paused—at first caught off guard by his faith, and then turned off by the emptiness of his words. How did he know? “You seem to think you know pretty much everything.”
“Well, being the head of an army has its perks.”
“Like what? Angel concubines?”
“What?” It was a flabbergasted sound—complete with clanging and rocks turning as he nearly fell backwards from whipping towards me so fast.
I regretted my little joke. Or maybe... he didn’t know what concubines were? “Nothing. Never mind.”
“Angels are monogamous,” he said with finality.
For some reason, that tickled my curiosity. “Monogamous? Really? Is there marriage in Heaven?”
“Yes. We are Soul Bound in ceremony. And once we are, it would be a complete unraveling of ourselves if we decide to separate, or if we are untrue to each other. Our partner is generally chosen by those higher in rank... a partner that would bring more glory to the bloodline.”
“Are you... Soul Bound?”
“No. No, I’m not.”
“Do you... have someone waiting for you?”
“No. No one is waiting for me.” There was a bitterness in his voice that startled me. Unrequited love?
“Are you... waiting on someone?”
Giovanni didn’t answer in the same stiff way. In fact, at first, he didn’t answer at all.
“Giovanni...” He looked at me then, his eyes open and waiting. “Are you waiting for someone to love you back? Or to be matched with someone in particular?”
“It is not my right to want something like that.”
“I am not asking what is your right. I am asking what is true.”
Giovanni flinched at that. “It is weak to love someone who will not love you back. I’ve made a choice not to.”
Giovanni looked vulnerable, even though his voice was even. He was admitting that he loved and there was no love for him in return. At least, that is what it sounded like.
“How can you choose not to love someone? That sounds impossible.”
“You lie to yourself. Over and over again. Until, you can’t remember the truth.”
“And you are sure she, or um, he, doesn’t love you?”
“First off, it is a she. And second...” His voice trailed off. I wasn’t sure if he didn’t know the answer or it just hurt to say aloud. “No, she doesn’t love me.”
“Did she tell you that?”
“No...”
“Then how do...”
“Because.” His voice was like a reprimand. “She doesn’t look at me the same anymore,” he said. His gaze shifted to the fire. “Her eyes are for someone else.”
I let the silence linger. So did he.
We stared into the fire. An apparently unloved angel, and a seriously messed up half-breed. The fire offered no answer
s, but the crackling was beautiful, the fire reached up.
“Giovanni...”
“Yes?”
“I hope you find love.”
Giovanni grunted.
“I hope you find love and have lots of little cherub babies,” I smiled at him.
He didn’t smile back, but he slapped his forehead and leaned into his palms. “Cherub babies, huh?”
“Yep. Cherub babies.”
“We don’t...”
“Have cherub babies?”
“Well, no... I mean. We do, we do have children. Just not all ranks have children.”
“What do you mean?”
“Only highly ranked soldiers have children.”
“Why?”
“Strengthen the bloodlines.”
“So what, are you all in essence cousins then?”
“Well, I guess that is what the Legion is working on.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“What is?”
“That only some of you can have children. I am sure others want them. It is oppressive to deny them that right.”
Giovanni shifted. “Well, I don’t know...”
“Are you ranked high enough?”
“To what? Breed?”
I nod.
“Yes.”
“Have they matched you?”
“They tried once.”
“What happened?”
“I refused the match.”
“Why?”
“I wanted war and battles. Not a family.”
“Is she the Seraph you love? Do you regret?”
“No. She is not. I never had feelings for her. She is matched with another now.”
“Then... who is it that you love?”
“I told you... I don’t love...”
“Okay, who is this person that you don’t love because you quote unquote choose not to love? Is she matched with someone else?”
“I told you she doesn’t look at me with love anymore. She has someone else.”
I take that in. “So, she once loved you.”
Giovanni shifted uncomfortably. “Yes, yes. There was a time, a very short time, where she loved me.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. You can ask about Heaven, but my personal life is irrelevant to your understanding.”
“I’m sorry. I was just curious.”
“You are too curious.”
I looked at him. He was brooding again, a huffing, boiling mess. But there was a fall to his shoulders that pained me. “Maybe I am.”
I sat back and watched him. “Giovanni... I know we aren’t close, or even friends. But, if you don’t want me to pry into your life, I won’t. However, if you ever want to tell me about it, I would listen. I would love to listen.”
“We’ll see, Jade. We’ll see,” he said, pressing his palm forward toward the flame. There was a shimmer, and within the span of a breath, the fire snuffed out, leaving nothing but dancing grey smoke. If I could see Giovanni’s aura, would I bet he would blend in with the fire pit’s emptiness.
We had less than an hour before we would start walking again, so I laid back and dreamed of those that I loved... those lost and beautiful things that I hoped would be waiting for me at the end of all this. Most of all, I dreamt of Connor holding me here in the dark. The time was too short, because when Giovanni woke me to start moving, I didn’t want to let go of my dreams or him. At least, I had woken up smiling.
27
CONNOR
I LAY DOWN on the creaking wood floor. The house swayed a bit, too old even to stand still. I held my breath as Nanan lit the candles around me. “Will this hurt?” I asked.
She sighed and lit the last candle. “Yes, my boy. And it’ll never stop hurting.”
I clenched my teeth, still determined.
“Ya still want to try this?”
“Yes.”
Nanan’s voice rose in a language I couldn’t understand. She raised her hands to the air and rocked back and forth. The house rocked, and swayed and bucked under me. I could feel the whip and howl of the wind even as the candle flame burned brighter and brighter until the whole room was an orangey- yellow and Nanan was no longer in sight. Did she get swallowed up by the flames? I couldn’t think about that. Because just as the thought trickled into my mind, excruciating pain stabbed through me. The pain was too much, as if the world had placed magnets on my sides and they were ripping away from each other. I was being torn in two. I shook as I flung my head back. Nanan’s voice was a whisper above my screams. The incantation wrapped around me. I tried to picture Jade’s face. Why was I doing this? Jade. She needed to be taken care of. I needed to know where she was. I felt tar—something black and sticky and all-consuming seep into me. I flailed away. I wanted to scream something is wrong! But Nanan’s voice rose to soothe me. “That’s Jade, Connor. She is attaching herself to your soul.” My eyes were practically bulging from their sockets. I shook my head. No, this black coiling thing could not be Jade. It couldn’t! Nanan’s voice cooed. “That’s Jade, my boy. She is darkness and light. You’ll sense your girl soon.”
And she was right, just as I thought I would suffocate on the blackness chewing away my insides, a sunburst of light punched through and I felt something else settle inside me. It was calm and confident; it was heartbroken and real. It was vulnerable and strong. It was Jade. I knew it was... even as my body couldn’t stop convulsing. I felt a sense of peace tremble through me, finding its place to rest. My body’s spasms started to quiet as the flames dimmed and the howling wind died down. It was just me, Nanan’s rough voice, and the lapping sounds of the swamp. I lay on the ground, my body still, except for the random flinching that took hold of my limbs every few seconds. I was gasping for breath. Sweat beaded and rolled down my face, clinging to the collar of my t-shirt. I wasn’t sure if I could ever speak again. I wasn’t sure if I could ever move again. I closed my eyes. My throat was raw and aching. But I didn’t need my voice... I searched inside and tried to touch the new presence that lingered inside me. “Jade?” I waited, desperate and hoping.
There was no response.
28
JADE
MY KNEES BUCKLED underneath me. Waves of an imploding pain rippled inside my head and I pitched forward, my hands clamped over my ears. I felt ripped apart and strangely stitched together—as if I was an open wound and could feel the slices of skin knit back together in slow torturous stabs. Giovanni was on his knees before me, his strong hands on my shoulders, shaking me, screaming at me, but I couldn’t hear any sound. I heard drums thumping in a quick, staccato rhythm. A scream. And then, I heard my name... a whisper tugging at my mind, a panting familiar voice reaching out to me. A whoosh of warmth flooded into my veins, and suddenly, the world stuttered back to life. Giovanni’s voice punched through my stupor, but I ignored him. Connor. I heard Connor’s voice. I swallowed hard and let the impossibility of it slap me across the face. Don’t be stupid, Jade. You didn’t hear anything. You. Didn’t. Hear. Anything.
My mind was silent, probing for something that wasn’t there. It took me a moment to realize that Giovanni was still shaking my shoulders and that set off a firecracker in my chest. Anger—hot and vicious—roared to life. Why was he here? And Connor not? Why did I have to feel so alone? Why did he pick this moment to actually give a damn? I knew I wasn’t as mad at him as I was at myself. It wasn’t his fault that I left the only person I have ever loved in a hospital bed. It wasn’t his fault that I was creating his voice in my head to taunt me. Still, I shoved him away. “Get away from me. I’m fine.” My voice shook, even as I tried to infuse it with heat and confidence.
His concerned wide- eyes settled back into their complacent, stern expression. He stood abruptly and turned sharply away from me. “I’ll remember that next time you fall to your knees, start convulsing, screaming and bleeding. I thought something was wrong. My mistake.” He never once looked at me while he said any of this. Every
word was just a step further away. He didn’t stop. I shuffled to my feet, feeling weak and disoriented. The world tipped over itself and seemed blurry as I took a step forward. I stumbled back to my knees. I heard a brief hiccup in Giovanni’s footsteps, a moment of hesitation. I didn’t look up. He kept walking on. It was then that a drop of blood plopped onto the ground beneath me. I blinked and wiped at my nose. A smear of dark red blood ran across my hand. I sat back on my legs, finally feeling the wetness between my nose and upper lip, tasting the blood as it dripped into the crevice between my lips. What was happening to me? I took in a deep breath and stood up slowly. Giovanni was far off now and I didn’t have the energy to run after him. My steps were deliberate. One foot. Then the other. I wasn’t sure if it was the blood loss, the thundering headache between my ears, or the strange wooziness I felt, but I could almost feel something—a presence in my mind. It lingered there silently, occupying its small space, but there nonetheless. It only took a few steps for me to forget about it, because a few steps later, I stumbled again.
29
GIOVANNI
I KEPT WALKING, even though everything in me screamed for me to turn around and go back to her. I heard her shuffling and falling behind me. I tried to slow my steps, but it took all of my willpower to not turn around and scoop her up in my arms and carry her. She never complained. Never asked for help. She was fragile and fearless. My shoulders tensed as I heard her fall again. I didn’t know how long I could walk like this... I knew I was reaching my limit. I would turn around soon. After five more steps and another loud plop to the ground, I spun back towards her.
Fire & Shadows Page 8
