by Susan Lewis
'If that were true,' Julia responded, stealing a moment while the inner monster seemed to be focusing on Shannon, 'I'd never have fallen for you in the first place.'
'Ah, so you admit you did care once,' he quipped.
She returned his look and could see her reflection in the teasing, knowing depths that she'd always sunk into so willingly. She wished she could give herself as readily now, but it just wasn't possible. In spite of his insistence that he still found her as beautiful and desirable as the day they'd met, the growing insecurity that was wreaking havoc behind the scenes of their perfect marriage was right there, holding her back.
'The car's for you, not me,' he told her softly. 'Happy birthday.' Her surprise showed.
'But her birthday was a month ago,' Shannon protested loudly. 'That is so not fair. It's my birthday next, so why don't I get a Porsche? And you didn't tell me it was for her. You said it was for you.'
'What on earth would I want with a Porsche?' Julia asked Josh, still basking in the magic of his
'It's not mine,' Josh reminded her. 'You have to plead your case with your mother.'
'But she's bound to let him go first,' Shannon wailed.
Julia's eyes were inches from Shannon's as they stared at each other in mute understanding - for Julia, Daniel always came first. Leaning forward, Julia planted a kiss on her daughter's soft, peachy cheek. 'Don't wait up,' she murmured, and sliding the car into gear she touched the accelerator and roared off down the mews.
Josh was at the wheel now. They'd swapped places after Julia had flashed around Holland Park and Notting Hill for a hair-raising twenty minutes before zooming up the West Cross Route onto the A40. For once the traffic had actually been moving, but by the time they'd reached the motorway Josh had slammed on an imaginary brake so many times she decided she might just as well let him stamp on the real thing, or the tension was going to start snapping his joints.
So now there he was, all Armani shades and movie-star looks, in total, hey-dude-I'm-the-man, bliss. The engine's roar was like an orgasmic lion, he'd insisted, while the seats moulded their bodies like kinky lovers. For someone who'd made his fortune in the literary world it was just as well, she'd informed him, that he'd applied his talent to agenting, and not to the page, or they'd be zipping about in a Trotteresque three-wheeler right now, instead of a turbo-charged testosterone- packed playboy toy. His laughter had stolen warmly through her, and for a while she'd felt
nothing but pleasure to be alone with him like this. There was no pressure involved in being in a car, unlike in the bedroom, or the increasing number of occasions when both children were out.
Of course there was no way the Porsche had been meant for her. However, she had to hand it to her smooth-talking, quick-thinking, sometimes- too-perfect-to-be-true husband, if she decided she wanted it, he'd hand the key back and light the candles on a second birthday cake. Yes, he'd give her a hundred-thousand-pound car, if that was how much it had cost, and if it was what she wanted, because Joshua Thayne always had been generous to a fault, even when he'd had no money. Since many riches had started coming his way, his bounteous nature knew no limits: a grand, whitewashed villa on one of Holland Park's smartest private streets, a move to swanky new offices just off Gloucester Road, the best schools for Shannon and Daniel, and now this gleaming cherry-red bullet that was clearly transporting him to heaven.
What next, she was wondering as they sped along the M40 at over a hundred miles an hour, apart from a speeding fine. She was trying to think of something expensive that she'd always craved, but wasn't coming up with much, besides liposuction and a facelift - though she had to admit that neither was exactly an emergency. In the car world Patsy really did it for her; in the house world, well they already had that; and in the bling world she lacked for nothing, because he got as much pleasure out of surprising her with jewels as she did from receiving them. How idyllic their relationship must seem from the outside,
she'd often thought, and it should, because it was, or always had been until around this time a year ago. Their friends had frequently remarked on it, and because they were such a good-looking family people often turned to stare, whether they were merely having coffee at the cafe in Holland Park, going in or out of the cinema, or boarding a plane to jet off somewhere exotic. As a couple they had never seemed to tire of each other, though their relationship was definitely tempestuous, and they'd had their share of difficult spells, but there had never been anything they couldn't resolve, nor had they ever wanted to be with anyone more than with each other. She often wondered if that was part of what was frightening her so much - it was all too perfect, so how could it last?
'Josh!' she suddenly yelped, clutching the sides of her seat as he swerved across three lanes to hare up an exit road. 'Where are we going?'
'Anywhere,' he declared recklessly. 'Where do you want to go?'
Realising home would be a bit of a dampener, she looked around, and recognising where they were felt an immediate surge of annoyance. 'Well, as we seem to be in the general vicinity, why don't we pop in on your mother?' she said with acid sweetness.
'Hey, what a great idea!' he cried, as though he'd never thought of it himself.
Wishing he wasn't so adept at sidestepping her sarcasm, she reached for his mobile as it signalled an incoming text. 'That'll be Daniel,' she said.
'Could be a client,' he said, and whisked it back again. 'Daniel,' he declared and handed it over.
OK if I go 2 Tim's 4 n our?
Julia pressed in an affirmative and added, love you.
Lv u2, he messaged back.
She had to smile. He probably thought it was Josh who'd sent the text, but either way, Mum or Dad, he'd never been shy of expressing his feelings. If anything he was a little too free with his kindness and far too trusting of his friends. He had inherited Josh's open-handedness, but there was a guilelessness to Daniel's generosity that was totally lacking in his father. She often wished Dan really was more like Josh - he'd be far less likely to be used and walked over if he were.
'He's just a child, give him a chance,' Josh would protest whenever she voiced her concern. 'He'll toughen up. He'll show them what's what when he's ready.'
She hoped Josh was right, but he seldom saw Daniel's wide-eyed confusion when his friends took what they wanted of his, then dumped him. Nor was Josh aware of how readily Dan forgave them, so keen to be accepted. Did Josh really I understand the embarrassment his son felt at the I way some older girls teased him? Josh treated it as though it were some rite of passage to manhood. Maybe for some it was, but not for Daniel who didn't want to be kissed and touched and made a fool of in front of all his so-called friends, any more than he wanted anyone to know about his occasional seizures.
'They made my thingy go hard,' he'd told his mother with tears in his eyes, the first time the girls got to him. He'd barely turned ten at the time,
and even she had to suppress a smile on that occasion, but when it kept on happening she soon came to realise that his distress wasn't only genuine, it was increasing. She might have gone to speak to the headmaster, had Josh not stopped her.
'You'll just make it worse if you do that,' he'd insisted.
'So you want them to keep on abusing him?'
'It's not abuse. It's normal kid-teasing. They'll get bored and leave him alone soon enough.'
As it turned out Josh might have been right, because Daniel hadn't mentioned it for several months now, and he even had a best friend these days, Timothy Lamont, who was as mad about computers, cricket and The Simpsons as Dan. They'd become virtually inseparable, so now instead of worrying about his premature experiences with girls, she was worrying that he might be gay. She'd yet to confide this latest concern to Josh for fear of the explosion. Not that he had a problem with gays, he was simply on a very short fuse when it came to Julia's constant fussing over their son. The trouble was, he'd never really seemed to connect with how vulnerable Dan was, or impressionable, or, well, just different to
other boys his age. Shannon realised it, though, for in spite of all the bullying, rivalry and usual sisterly contempt, she was as protective of Dan as Julia was.
'Enjoying it?' Josh grinned, as they sped across Chalfont Common in a blaze of early evening sunshine.
She dutifully nodded and smiled. If she hadn't had so much on her mind she might have been
able to share his delight, but she could already feel the dreaded restlessness stirring, and with so much crowding in on her lately, she found it impossible to relax for long.
'You look worried,' he told her. 'What are you thinking about?'
'As a matter of fact, I was thinking about how little time we actually get to spend together, just the two of us,' she said, 'and what a shame it is we're about to include your mother.'
He glanced over at her. 'If you want us to spend more time together,' he said, 'you know it can always be arranged.'
Feeling a twist of guilt in her heart, she turned to look out of the window.
He allowed a few moments to pass, clearly hoping she might respond, but in the end he let the subject go and said, 'We won't stay long.'
She was still feeling too guilty to reply.
'She'll love the car,' he declared in an upbeat tone, 'and you know what a kick it gives her to see how well things are going for us.'
'For you,' Julia corrected, keeping her eyes on the passing countryside, and trying not to feel annoyed by how much his mother's approval had always meant to him. Then a wave of unease swept through her as her irritation reminded her of how distanced they were becoming. It wasn't what she wanted, nor did she really know why it was happening, but though they were both trying to fight it, there was no denying the cracks that were, even now, threatening the very foundations of their marriage. She was to blame, she accepted that, because she was the one who'd turned from
a loving, passionate and highly sexual woman, to an anxious, almost paranoid and even frigid wife. She just wished she knew what had happened to shut her down like this, for their sex life had always been one of the very best parts of their marriage, madly erotic and so varied and frequent that even they were occasionally dazed by just how good it was. But it had been months and months now since they'd made love with anything like their usual passion, and lately they'd shared no real physical intimacy at all, because she simply couldn't handle the fear that seemed to engulf her when they did. She'd experienced it once before in her life, just after Dan was born, but thanks to Josh's patience and some intensive therapy, it hadn't lasted long. This time it had though, and not even her recent sessions with a therapist or Josh's attempts to understand seemed to be helping her. If anything, the fear was getting worse, and since she'd abandoned the therapy a few weeks ago, and Josh had given up trying to persuade her to make love, she'd become even more afraid of where it might all end.
Emma Thayne, Josh's adoring mother, was as gushingly admiring of the Boxster as Julia dreaded and Josh expected. 'Darling, it's simply the best car I've ever seen,' she exclaimed, bony hands clasped to her meagre bosom as she circled the Porsche, treating it to an inexpert eye and a mother's crowing delight. Julia didn't miss the sneaky little glances she was throwing about the street, in the hope the neighbours were looking. She guessed that any minute they'd take off on a
lap of honour, making sure the entire newly built estate that clung to the edge of a quaint old village, like a wart on the face of a beautiful woman, would be unable to miss the sight of the returning hero and his latest trophy. 'Dad would be so proud if he could see you now,' Emma informed her pride and joy. 'His father would be so proud,' she informed Julia, her dismay and despair.
'We all are,' Julia assured her.
Emma Thayne's protective ear didn't miss the dryness in Julia's tone, and since it implied criticism of her precious and only offspring, she was instantly bristling. Not a pretty sight, but Josh's looks had come from his father, not his mother. 'I'm glad you are, my dear,' she responded tartly. 'A man needs to know he's appreciated, particularly when he works so hard for his family.'
Julia started to respond, then decided not to bother. Occasionally she enjoyed sparring with Emma, but today she didn't have it in her, probably because the late-dawning suspicion that Josh was holding back a vital piece of news had suddenly come over the horizon. It could be what the Porsche was all about, to mask the white elephant that had moved in with them a few weeks ago and they'd resolutely refused to discuss since. If she was right, it probably meant it was something she wouldn't want to hear, and this was his way of softening the blow.
Emma was burbling on about her grandchildren now, and the pleasure she derived from their texts and emails - a modern wizardry they'd greatly enjoyed teaching their grandma, whose mastery of the techniques afforded them much amusement.
Julia was jealous, of course, because her own mother didn't share such a closeness with the children. However, a visit to her own mother could make a sneak peek inside Pandora's box seem the safer option, so she generally kept visits to Gloucestershire to a minimum.
'So, my dear, how are you filling your days now?' Emma enquired, as they left Josh spouting agent advice down the phone to one of his American authors who had carte blanche to call any time of the day or night. 'You must be rattling about in that big house of yours, wondering what on earth to do with yourself, with the children at school all day and Joshua working so hard.'
'Oh, but I barely have a minute to think,' Julia protested, 'what with trying to squeeze my personal trainer in between the manicurist and nutritionist, who have to work around my spiritual guru and the woman with swatches. Then I have to find time for the hairdresser and epicurean facialist, both great artists in their field who really won't be rushed ... Honestly, I don't know how I cope.'
Emma's glassy expression was full of contempt. 'I was merely trying to make polite conversation,' she said coldly. 'But as usual, you mock me.'
'I have a job, Emma,' Julia reminded her. 'I write and edit books, remember? So why would you think I have a problem filling my days?'
Emma pushed open the door to her spotless kitchen and made for the kettle. 'I thought you'd given it up,' she commented tersely.
'Why would I do that when Josh has bought us a house with a dream study just for me?'
'And you never go in it.'
Julia flinched. Clearly Josh had discussed this with his mother, which irked her immensely. 'Not true,' she said, reaching for mugs and wishing she could ask for wine. No point though, Emma only stocked undrinkable sweet sherry. 'My masseuse has plenty of room to set up her portable couch in there, and it's a good space for yoga.'
Emma regarded her with even greater disdain. 'I hope you don't mind me saying,' she said, clearly not caring a hoot if Julia did, 'but looking at you now ... Well, frankly my dear, if you've really got all that beauty back-up you could be wasting your money. Or should I say, Josh's money.'
The insult almost took Julia's breath away. OK, she wasn't looking her best these days, but for her mother-in-law to be so brutal about it, when she clearly knew, thanks to Josh, that Julia was having some problems with depression - or whatever the hell was wrong with her - was just plain cruel. But that was so like Emma, who seized every opportunity to belittle her daughter-in-law, and right now, this minute, Julia wasn't going to take it. 'The trouble with you, Emma, she said scathingly, 'is that you still can't stand the fact that I took your precious son away, can you? As far as you're concerned I've always been the enemy, even while Josh was struggling to get his agency off the ground, and I was picking up all your bills. Yes, I can see that being dependent on your daughter- in-law would have been galling for a woman like you, but it wasn't me who left you in dire straits, Emma, it was your husband. There wasn't even enough to pay for his funeral, and do you know,
to this day, you've never thanked me for sorting it out. Instead you don't even bother to disguise your contempt for me and everything I stand for. In fact ...'
The stricken look on Emma's face brought he
r to a crashing halt. Christ, what was she saying? just how deeply did she want to hurt this woman? She was getting on in years now, and though her motherly possessiveness and snobbish illusions were irritating, they were her only sins. So to rub her misfortune in her face by reminding her of all the heartache she had suffered when her husband had left her virtually destitute, was unconscionable, unforgivable, and only went to prove just how far down the slippery slope she had descended that she should hit back like this.
'Emma, I'm sorry,' she said hurriedly. 'I didn't mean ... I shouldn't have ...'
'Hey you two, what are you gassing about in here?' Josh demanded cheerily as he joined them. 'Roses are looking good, Mum. Still taking care of them yourself, are you? We can always get a gardener to give you a hand. Just say the word.'
Her son's presence brought a smile back to Emma's papery-white face. 'You're so kind, darling,' she told him shakily, 'but I enjoy pottering about out there. There's not much else for me to do these days, though Julia was just telling me about her beauty routine. I'm thinking about giving it a go. Maybe they'll have more luck with me.'
'You're gorgeous enough as you are,' her dutiful son informed her, completely missing the barb, which Julia took heroically, even gratefully, and let pass.
Tea was drunk - a viscous brown brew that Emma knew Julia detested - in the air-conditioned conservatory that Josh had treated his mother to earlier in the year. It was her special place, she repeatedly told him. In here she could enjoy her plants and read the paper with plenty of light, and admire her garden without getting burnt by the sun or eaten alive by midges and mosquitoes. They - Josh and Emma - talked at length about Shannon and Daniel, both glowing with pride at the children's various sporting and scholarly accomplishments, until finally they landed themselves on the glistening beach of their absolute favourite topic, Joshua.
Emma listened raptly as her son regaled her with tales of his most recent battles with legendary publishing figures, all of which he'd won, of course - she wouldn't be able to handle the failures, so only Julia was made party to them. Next came his most recent trip to New York, followed by an unexpected dash to LA to finalise a movie deal, and crowding up his diary for the weeks to come were dozens of book fairs, literary festivals, keenly contended prizes and the endless round of breakfasts, lunches, dinners, launch parties, cocktails, author tours and glittering award galas that went with the territory of being one of London's hottest literary agents. 'So I might not be able to pop in quite as often as you'd like for a little while, Mum,' he told her.
