by Susan Lewis
'I should begin by offering my condolences,' Fen said, sinking comfortably into an armchair. 'I ought to have done that on the phone, of course.'
'I appreciate you letting me know,' Julia told her. 'If you hadn't I might never have found out. Have you managed to speak to my sister? I know she's been away .. .'
Fen was shaking her head. 'We have no contact details for her,' she said. 'Only for you, though I understand neither of you have been in touch with him for some time.'
'Twenty-four years to be exact,' Julia replied. 'And believe me, it wasn't by choice - at least not on my part.'
Even though Fen's eyebrows rose, she didn't seem particularly surprised. 'So no news of him at all in that time, not even a spot of family gossip?'
Julia shook her head. 'Unless I brought it up, his name never got mentioned.'
Fen looked perplexed by that. 'So you don't really know much about him?'
'No. I'm afraid I don't.'
'Well, I can begin by telling you, he was a delightful man. We were all quite mad about him.'
More pleased to hear that than she wanted to show, Julia said, 'Did you know him well?'
'Oh yes. He and my father were great friends. His death has come as a bit of a blow to Dad, to us all, in fact, even though it was expected.' 'You mentioned he had cancer.' 'Yes, of the stomach. It was diagnosed over a year ago. He had all the treatment, but unfortunately .. ..' Her lips flattened in a smile. 'I think he was rather ready to join his wife. He missed her a great deal after she died.'
Knowing it was absurd to feel shut out by a woman she'd never even met, and who was actually dead, Julia said, 'I didn't realise he'd married again.'
'Oh yes. He and Gwen were very close.' 'How long were they together?' 'I'm not sure. Certainly the whole time we knew them, which was probably around twenty years.' 'Did they have any children?' 'No. Gwen couldn't.'
But he had two, Julia was thinking. And one of us at least would have liked to know Gwen.
'I have to confess, you came as a bit of a surprise to us,' Fen told her. 'Until six weeks ago, when he got me to change his will, none of us even knew you existed.'
Unable not to feel hurt by that, Julia swallowed hard and tried to focus on the timing, rather than her reactions, for it was about six weeks ago that Shannon had taken the call.
'Why did he change it then?' she asked. 'Do you know?'
Fen nodded soberly. 'He'd just been given his countdown, as he put it. He wanted everything to be in order before he went. Mainly for you.' She
smiled. 'He talked about you quite a lot during his last weeks.'
Again Julia felt herself being drawn into a quagmire of emotions. 'I wish you'd let me know he was so ill,' she said.
'Oh, believe me, I wanted to, but he wouldn't have it. "She hasn't seen me in all these years,' he'd say to me, "I don't have the right to be a burden on her now."'
Julia's chest was starting to feel tight. 'He was my father,' she whispered. 'He wouldn't have been a burden.'
'I'm glad you think that, but he could be a stubborn old thing when he wanted to be. He wouldn't even tell us where we could find you. Your details were in a sealed envelope, not to be opened until after his death.'
Realising she was embarrassingly close to tears, Julia dug around for a tissue. 'I'm sorry,' she said. 'I just wish ... I'd have liked the chance to know him, to find out why he left all those years ago.' She blew her nose, and took a deep breath. 'Did he tell you?'
Fen shook her head. 'I'm afraid not. Doesn't your mother know?'
'Probably, but she won't tell me.'
Fen frowned, apparently bemused by that.
'Something happened,' Julia found herself saying. 'I don't know what, but I'm determined to find out. My father and I were very close, you see, while I was growing up. It never made any sense to me that he would just go, without saying a word, or ever getting in touch. At first I was furious with him for just abandoning me, but all the time
I kept waiting and hoping, certain that one day he'd come back and explain. There had to be a reason behind him leaving like that, something more than I was being told.'
'Which was?'
Julia sighed a bitter laugh. 'More mixed messages than you can imagine,' she answered. 'They told me he was evil, that I didn't know him at all, only what I wanted to know .. .' Her eyes moved to Fen's. 'The way you described him just now, that was the man I knew.'
Fen was looking vaguely miffed. 'Well, evil is certainly not a word any of us would use to describe Dougie Cowan,' she said tartly. 'That's a horrible thing to say about anyone, particularly someone who didn't have a bad bone in his body. However, something clearly did happen back then to break up your family, so I can understand your need to find out what it was. If I can be of any help, just say the word.'
'Thank you.'
'His papers should all be at the house, apart from those we have here, of course. Whether they contain anything to help you, well, I guess you won't know till you look. I've made copies of what we have, which includes the will. Essentially, there's not an enormous amount in the way of cash, though I dare say an insurance policy of twenty thousand won't be sniffed at, and of course the house is now yours.'
Julia was feeling slightly dazed. 'What about Pam?' she asked.
Fen shook her head. 'I'm afraid there's no provision for your sister. Only for you.'
Julia was confused. 'Why would he have left Pam out?' she asked.
Fen could only shake her head.
'But you were aware, before I got here, that he had another daughter?'
Fen nodded. 'He told us very little about her though.'
'What about Pam's daughter, Rachel? Did he ever mention her?'
'No. At least not to me.'
Julia looked away. He obviously couldn't have known about Rachel, because a man like her father would never have left a granddaughter with Down's out of his will.
'I've contacted the probate officer, and an independent valuer,' Fen was saying, 'but if you'd rather use someone .. .'
'I'm sure the person you've asked is fine.' She swallowed. 'I don't suppose he left a letter for me, or a tape, even a video?'
'There's nothing on file, but that's not to say you won't find anything at the house. Everything's as he left it.'
Julia's throat turned dry. 'Where is he now?' she asked, feeling dreadful for not having asked sooner.
'At Allston's, the funeral home. It's not far from here. You can see him whenever you're ready. If you want to, that is. I know not everyone
'I want to.' She glanced down at the balled-up tissue in her hand. 'Did he know he had grandchildren?' she asked. 'Did he mention them at all?'
'Oh yes. I believe your children's names are Shannon and Daniel .. .'
'He knew that?' Yes, of course, he'd called Shannon by name when he rang.
Fen smiled. 'They're fifteen and eleven?'
Julia nodded. 'How did he know?'
'I can't answer that, I'm afraid, but it would appear he was much more aware of you and your life than you realised.' She got to her feet and started over to her desk. 'Now, I've put myself at your disposal today. I'll drive you around, show you where everything is, Allston's, the house, the church, then, once you've got your bearings, if you'd rather be alone just tell me to hop it. I won't mind, my skin's fairly thick. How long do you plan to be here?'
'I'm not sure. At least until the ashes are buried. I should probably contact my sister, to find out if she wants to come to the funeral.'
Fen made no comment on that. 'Will you stay at the house?' she asked.
Julia hadn't considered that.
'Wait till you see it,' Fen smiled. 'You're going to fall madly in love with it, so I think the answer will be yes. It's an old mill, actually, not big, but absolutely heavenly. Gwen had it updated not long before she died, so everything's in excellent condition.'
'How long ago did she die?'
'Five years. Dougie was rather lost without her, but he always manag
ed to put up a good show. Rather typical of him, actually.'
Julia smiled. 'Is the house far from here?'
'About half an hour's drive if the Wadebridge road's not still up. Would you like to go over to Allston's now? Or would you prefer to wait until you've settled in a bit?'
'I think now,' Julia answered. Seeming to sense her nerves, Fen said, it'll be fine. I'll be right there with you.'
Julia nodded. 'Maybe I'm more worried about what I might end up finding out once I get to the house.'
Fen's eyebrows went up. 'Well, whatever it is, let me attempt to put your mind at rest again - there was nothing evil or sinister about Dougie Cowan. He was the sweetest, kindest and most mischievous rogue ever to set foot in Cornwall.' Grateful for the reassurance, but mindful of her need to try and stay objective, Julia said, 'Better things have been said about a lot worse people, before the truth was known.'
Fen seemed surprised. 'But I have no doubts about my old friend Dougie. You won't find anyone around here who has.'
Letting it go there, Julia followed her out of the office. The last thing she wanted was to destroy Fen's faith with the horrible suspicion that had haunted her for so many years. No, she'd much rather continue labouring under the same rosy delusions herself, at least for as long as she could.
The funeral home was probably no more than fifty paces from Fen's office, set a little back from the high street, inside a leafy garden full of cherubic statues and celestial fountains. By the time Julia and Fen reached it Fen had greeted at least half a dozen people, the last of whom was a sweet- looking old woman with wind-roughened cheeks and flat grey hair, who was just coming out of the gates as they approached.
'Hello Tilde,' Fen said, giving her a hug. 'Been in to see Dougie again?'
The old woman nodded and blinked her waterv eyes. 'Thought he might want a bit of company,' she said, in a pronounced Comish accent. 'Don't like to think of him lying in there on his own.'
Fen put an affectionate hand to the old lady's face and turned to Julia. 'This is Dougie's daughter, Julia,' she told her.
The woman's eyes shone with pleasure. 'Oh, my dear,' she said, clasping Julia's hands in both of hers. 'Your father told us all about you, come the end. I'm right glad you came, I am. He will be too. We said you would, didn't we?' she added to Fen.
Fen nodded. 'This is Tilde Reddy,' she explained to Julia. 'She helped your father keep house after Gwen went, and took extremely good care of him too, I'm here to tell you.'
Tilde was fixed on Julia, clearly quite transported by the delight of meeting Dougie's daughter. 'I'm sorry for your loss, my dear,' she said with feeling. 'We all are. Loved him dearly, I did. Going to miss him.' She dabbed away a tear. 'Going to miss him a lot, the old rascal that he was.'
'Thank you,' Julia responded. 'I'm sorry for your loss too.'
'There'll be a big turnout tomorrow,' Tilde assured her. 'And right pleased everyone'll be that you came.'
Julia was slightly taken aback, for she hadn't considered who might be at the funeral, or even what kind of affair it might be. One thing was certain though, even if she'd wanted it to be small
and private, she had no right to deny a final farewell to these friends who'd taken her father so warmly to their hearts.
'Have you talked to Mum about the wake?' Fen was asking Tilde.
'Course I have. We got it all in hand.'
The wake. Julia turned to Fen. 'I hadn't thought... I .. .'
'My parents are taking care of it,' Fen told her. 'I hope that's all right.'
'Of course, but you must at least let me cover the cost.'
Fen's smile was wry. 'I'll let you discuss that with Daddy,' she responded, 'but I have a feeling you won't win.' Then to Tilde, 'We're just going to pay our respects.'
Tilde took Julia's hand again and squeezed it. 'Lovely meeting you,' she said warmly. 'If there's anything you need, anything at all, Fen here knows how to get hold of me.'
'Thank you,' Julia responded, and felt moved, once again, by the affection she was receiving just for being her father's daughter.
The reception of the funeral home was deserted as they walked in, until Fen chirped a 'Hello', and a stocky man in his mid-thirties with neat fair hair and a sober grey suit emerged from a back office.
'Reece, this is Julia Thayne,' Fen told him. 'Reece and his father will both be directing the funeral,' she explained to Julia, putting an emphasis on 'both' which seemed to suggest that normally only one person performed the role.
Reece Allston took Julia's hand in a firm grip- 'I'm sorry we meet under these circumstances,' he
said in a gentle baritone. 'My condolences for your loss. Your father will be missed.'
Julia thanked him and added, 'I'm beginning to feel as though I'm the one who should be offering condolences. You all seemed to know him so well,' Reece smiled. 'He was a generous man with a good soul and a wicked wit. The vicar's having a hard time deciding who should do the readings, he's had that many offers,' Julia shook her head, lost for a response. 'I expect you'd like to see him,' Reece said, standing aside. 'The chapel of rest is through the door at the end of the corridor. I can come with you, or if you'd prefer to be alone ...'
Julia glanced at Fen. 'I'll go alone, if you don't mind,' she replied.
As she walked the few steps towards the door Reece Allston had indicated, she found herself wishing with all her heart that Josh was with her now, for it had been a very long time since she'd done anything this momentous without him. However, being alone certainly would not stop her, for it was her father she was going to see, and this would be her last chance.
As she pushed open the door she felt herself becoming vaguely light-headed, as though she were slipping into a dream. The lights were respectfully low, casting half-moon shadows around the stone walls, and there was a scent of flowers mixed with sulphur in the air. Candles flickered on the altar that was against the opposite wall, lighting the granite cross over it, and a tasteful posy of flowers had dropped a few petals onto the pristine white cloth. The coffin was at the
centre of the chapel, laid out on a long marble table and facing away from her towards the altar.
Closing the door she took a moment to collect herself, then walked quietly across the carpet, increasingly fearful now of how she was going to respond when she saw him again after all these years, and here, like this. As she drew near she closed her eyes, not quite ready yet. She wanted to recall him first as the younger man she'd known with lively blue eyes and a ready laugh, the loving father who'd taught her to ride a bike and play tennis, who'd read her stories at night and clapped the loudest at her little accomplishments. She wanted to think of him as the man his friends and neighbours spoke of with such affection, the parent she remembered and still missed so much, as though somehow her precious memories could destroy all the terrible doubts her mother had planted, that he hadn't loved her enough to stay.
She stood behind the coffin and let her eyes travel down it towards the altar. She was close enough now to see his hands, clasped lightly below his waist, pale and rugged against his navy velour robe. Her heart was so full that its beats felt cumbersome and heavy. It seemed hard to connect with the reality of why she was here, yet there was nothing else beyond it.
A few more steps and she was round at the side of the coffin. Her hands were clenched tightly together, her whole body was tensing so hard that she was barely able to breathe. Though she couldn't quite look yet, she was aware of a white silk cravat tucked into the neck of his robe, and
the navy taffeta of the coffin lining with its matching frill. She listened to the tiny wisps of her breath, and the silence that surrounded her, then at last she forced her eyes to move to his face, and the rush of emotion as she saw him was so intense that her hands flew to her mouth to stifle the cry. He'd hardly changed. His long, slender cheekbones, his slightly crooked nose, the lines in his forehead and clean-shaven chin were just the same, hardly impaired by age. His hair was barely troubled by
grey and his lips almost seemed to be smiling, and there was such an aura of peace around him that she wanted to lie down with him and become a part of it.
'Dad, oh Dad,' she whispered brokenly.
The temptation to hold him and try to make him put his arms around her was so strong she could barely fight it. She inhaled shakily and became aware of the tears falling onto her cheeks. 'I loved you so much,' she told him. 'I tried to understand, but I never could.' She put a hand on his and felt the coolness of his skin. 'Why did you go?' she whispered.
She gazed down at him, almost as though expecting a reply, but his secret, along with his laughter and love, had gone with him to another place now.
'Please be who I think you are,' she implored. 'Please don't be the man I'm so afraid of. That's not you, is it, Dad? Please tell me that's not you.'
Clearly sensing that Julia was in need of a restorative break after leaving the chapel of rest, Fen whisked her straight off to a nearby pub where
she ordered them both a stiff drink, and collected a couple of menus from the bar.
Julia was grateful for her understanding, and relieved when she steered their conversation onto the safer territory of children, motherhood and careers, rather than pressing any more on her about her father right now. She soon realised she was finding Fen extremely easy to be with, supportive without being overwhelming, and interested without being intrusive. She was also discreet, for when Julia's mobile rang with calls from Shannon, then Dan, she made herself scarce, either by visiting the Ladies, or going to the bar and ordering some food.
Since she was still standing at the counter chatting when Julia rang off from Dan, Julia quickly dialled Josh's direct number at the office, and prayed he'd be there, for she certainly didn't want to call his mobile and start wondering where he was as they spoke.
'He's on the other line to New York, negotiating some film rights,' Marina told her, 'so he could be a while. Shall I ask him to call back?'
'If he has time,' Julia replied tartly, and was instantly sorry, for it was hardly Marina's fault that he wasn't free.
