by Susan Lewis
'I can help if you like,' Shannon offered, skimming round to the end Julia had tried to grab.
'Thank you,' he replied and after waiting for her to take it, he treated Julia to a brief, friendly smile before moving on.
Julia watched them, and tried not to feel anything as Shannon marched past positively glowing with pleasure.
'Voila!' Fen proclaimed, holding up two full
glasses as Julia walked in. 'After the day I've had no-one could deserve it more.'
'That bad?' Julia asked, taking one.
'Don't ask.'
'Then here's to you,' and clinking glasses, they drank.
'What about you?' Fen asked. 'How did you get on here? Oh hell, sorry,' she groaned, as her mobile rang. 'This is probably the call I've been waiting for. Once over, I'm all yours,' and clicking on she started back outside to drag her briefcase from the truck.
Julia stood absently watching her, while listening to Shannon's and Rico's voices above, though she was thinking about Josh, and wondering how he was feeling after their call. Probably no better than she was, but now wasn't the time to ring back, with Fen having just arrived and the others around. She'd leave it until later, by which time, hopefully, they'd be ready to make up. Unless this was him ringing now, and feeling the tingle of anticipation she hadn't experienced since their early days together, she went to pick up the receiver.
'Julia? It's Pauline,' said the voice at the other end 'How are you? I've been so worried about you I wish you'd call, because honestly, honey, I really don't think it was serious between Josh and Sylvia, so you shouldn't...'
'I'm sorry, Pauline,' Julia interrupted tightly 'I don't want to discuss it, so if you don't mind ...'
'Oh, no, not at all. I know, it's perfectly ghastly when someone cheats on you. I've had it happen to me, and ...'
'Just tell me this,' Julia said, deciding to go with it for the moment. 'Did you know before last week that they were seeing each other?'
'Hell, no. I mean, I ran into Josh coming out of there a while back, and I kind of had my suspicions, but I never actually knew it was going ...'
'How long ago was a while back?'
'Oh, honey. I don't know. Three, four months, I guess.'
Julia's eyes closed as a terrible jealousy engulfed her. 'So it was going on for quite some time,' she said.
'I don't want to say that. I just want you to know I'm here for you, and if you need me to come down there ...'
'No! Thank you. I really don't,' Julia assured her. 'But I would like to know how you got this number.'
'Why, Sylvia gave it me. She's been so concerned about you ...'
Not even bothering to ask how Sylvia had got hold of it, since it could only have been from Josh, Julia said, 'I'm sorry, Pauline, I have to go now,' and without waiting for a response she hung up just as Shannon bounced back into the kitchen with Rico at her heels.
'Everything OK?' Shannon asked, peering into her mother's face.
Julia forced a smile. 'Everything OK,' she confirmed, feeling acutely aware of Rico's eyes and making sure not to meet them. 'Thanks for bringing the ladder,' she said, going to tidy up the table.
'It was my pleasure,' he assured her.
She smiled and nodded, and kept focused on what she was doing. 'Shannon and I were wondering if you'd like to have dinner with us one evening?' she said, surprising herself, as well as Shannon.
'Thank you,' he answered. 'I would like that very much.'
Shannon beamed, and gave Julia a bruising hug before announcing she was going to get her coat from the bedroom.
Julia and Rico watched her go, until Julia was forced to look at him as he said, 'I know this is a difficult time for you, so please, if there is anything I can do, you must ask me.'
'Thank you,' she said, having to clear her throat. 'You're very kind.'
His gaze didn't waver, even though hers did. 'I will wait outside,' he said, as though not wanting to bother her any more.
As he walked away she allowed her eyes to follow him, but in her mind she was seeing Josh and feeling her heart twisting so painfully in the betrayal of months rather than weeks, or even days, that she was at a total loss as to how to deal with it
'OK, darling?' she said, finding Shannon's bedroom door open.
'Just coming,' Shannon responded, brushing her hair. 'Thanks, Mum,' she whispered in the mirror. 'You're the best.'
Remembering the dinner invitation, Julia's heart sank. Why had she done that, she wondered. But what did it matter? She'd be there to make sure nothing happened, and if she invited Fen and Ottie
along too ... 'If I give you twenty pounds from Dad,' she said, 'do you promise not to spend it on booze?'
'I swear. Ottie knows the landlord, and she says there's no way he'll give us a drink while we're still under age.'
Julia smiled. 'And no nonsense with Rico?' she said meaningfully as she drew a small wad of cash from her back pocket.
Shannon came to give her another hug. 'I promise, I won't do anything stupid,' she said, with all the sincerity she could muster as she took her loan.
Julia kissed her. 'Home by ten?'
Shannon pulled a face.
'OK, whatever time Ottie has to be home, same goes for you.'
Shannon couldn't have looked more delighted, and grabbing up her purse, she shoved it into a pocket and with a saucy, 'Don't get drunk, you girls,' she was gone.
After checking that Fen was still on the phone, Julia picked up her own mobile and carried it back into Shannon's room. Josh answered on the second ring.
'When did you last speak to Sylvia?' she asked.
She guessed it was surprise that prevented him from answering right away, so said, 'Please don't lie. I want to know when you last spoke to her.'
'She called about an hour ago,' he answered flatly.
Her heart turned over so harshly that she almost let the phone drop rather than go any further. 'And before that?' she said.
'I'm not sure. Sunday, Saturday. Look, I've tried telling her it's over...'
'So you're having phone sex with her?' 'No!'
'I know how she operates, Josh, and if you're too weak to resist her, or if you're so obsessed with her ...'
'I'm trying to deal with it,' he cried. 'She's just not listening. Jesus Christ, if you can tell me how to stop her, I'll do it.'
Knowing very well that Sylvia wouldn't let go until Sylvia was ready, she said, 'How did she get this number?' He didn't answer.
'Pauline just called me,' she almost shouted, and actually admitted that she got the number from Sylvia. So what the hell is going on, Joshua? Why did you give her this number?'
'Because she said she'd get it from Shannon if I didn't'
Incensed by the very idea of her daughter being dragged into his tawdry affair, she said, 'Listen to me now, Joshua, and listen hard, because I mean every word I'm about to say. You either get her out of our lives, or you get out. The choice is yours,' and abruptly ending the call, she switched off the mobile and returned to the kitchen.
'Ah, there you are,' Fen said, looking up from an open newspaper on the table. 'So where were we? Maybe we should start with another toast.'
'To whatever you like,' Julia responded, reaching for her glass.
Fen frowned. 'Are you OK?' she said. 'You're looking a bit pale.'
'I'm fine. I just haven't eaten much today, but it's not going to stop me downing this entire bottle, and possibly even another.'
Fen smiled, though she still appeared concerned. 'So what shall we drink to?' she asked.
'To us,' Julia said decisively.
Seeming to like it, Fen clinked her glass, and they both drank.
'Are you seeing the probate officer tomorrow?' Fen asked, sitting down at the table.
Julia shook her head. 'No, on Thursday at eleven. Then we've got the ashes at three. Will you be there?'
'Of course.' Fen tilted her head to one side and peered into Julia's face again. 'I don't mean to pry,' she s
aid, 'but I'm a good listener if you're feeling in need.'
Julia looked at her, then sighing heavily she stared down into her wine and wondered where to begin. In the end, it didn't prove too difficult, for she was soon confiding everything: Josh's affair, the problems they'd been having leading up to it, the appalling relationship with her mother, the call she'd just had from Pauline. She only stopped short at confessing her worst fears where her father was concerned, because that was something Fen really didn't need to know about.
When it had all finished spilling out she looked at Fen's bemused and kindly face and laughed dryly. 'Bet you wish you'd never asked,' she teased.
Fen smiled and emptying the bottle into their glasses, she went to open another.
'Please tell me that the perfection of your family
is real Julia said. You all seem so happy, and supportive of each other.'
Fen's expression was wry as she returned to the table. 'Believe me, there are plenty of cracks beneath our perfect surface,' she assured her. 'In fact, we've actually come through quite a lot, just in the last five years. Daddy's had two heart attacks, Mummy had a cancer scare, Ottie was almost killed in a school-bus crash. Then Bob had an affair - not with my best friend, I have to say, but he actually left me for a while to go and live with her. He came back, as you can see, and he swears they have no contact now, but after something like that, how can you ever be sure?'
Julia's head was spinning at the very idea of how she would cope if Josh left to go and live with Sylvia. She wondered if she could ever take him back if he did, or if he would even want to come back. 'How on earth did you manage to forgive him?' she asked faintly.
Fen shrugged and let her eyes drift. 'It wasn't easy, but what choice did I have?' she answered. 'I still loved him, and I didn't want our marriage to be over, but even now, while he's supposed to be in Salisbury on this course, I'm wondering if he really is. I could check, of course, but I won't, because that way madness lies.' She sighed and smiled. 'We're getting there. It's a lot better now than when he first came back. I really didn't think it was going to work then.' 'I take it he was the one who ended the affair.' 'I think that's how it was. It's what he said.' 'Do you still love him now? I guess you must.' 'Yes, but there's no doubt, when your illusions
have been shattered and need repairing they never go back together quite the same way. It's different after, but you make it work, for the children, for the rest of your family and for yourselves, because ultimately it's what you want. You just have to accept that it won't be the same as it was before.' Her eyes moved to Julia's. 'I don't think your marriage is in any real trouble from what you've told me, at least I hope it's not, but you have to do something to get that woman off his back before she manages to do even more damage than she already has.'
Julia's heart turned over. 'Do you think it's serious between them?' she asked.
Fen grimaced and shook her head. 'It's hard to say.'
'What about his reasons for the affair?'
'You mean to save your marriage by stopping him looking elsewhere? Peculiarly warped though it is, to the male mind that would have some logic, and being such a skilled manipulator of men as Sylvia Holland obviously is, she would know that. So it's my guess that she's had her eye on him for a while.'
'So what do you think I should do?'
Fen took a breath. 'In the short term,' she said, 'I think you'll have to play it very carefully and make sure Josh is totally aware of what he stands to lose if he goes any further with this. Obviously he already knows that, but women like Sylvia can be extremely persuasive.'
Feeling a shudder of dread run down her spine, Julia said, 'And in the long term?'
Fen looked at her meaningfully. 'I think you know the answer to that,' she said. 'You have to
sort out the intimacy issue you're having, or you really might end up losing him.'
Though Julia's insides recoiled from the truth, she wasn't about to deny it. 'It's why I have to find out why my father left,' she said. 'It's the only piece of the puzzle that's missing, so as hard as I've tried to resist it, I have to accept that it must be connected to the way I am. If it's not, then I really don't know where we go from there.' 'And you really have no idea why he went?' Hating lying to her, Julia shook her head. 'I've been over and over it,' she said, 'with Josh, with a therapist and on my own. I called my aunt, by the way, to find out if she'd sent the photos. She was the only one I could think of, simply on the basis that being a sister-in-law makes her one removed, so she might break ranks with my mother and uncle and do something decent for my father. I'm less of that opinion now I've spoken to her. What I do know, though, is that they're afraid of what I might discover. I have to confess, this is starting to scare me a bit too.'
Fen was looking pensive. 'I don't know if this means anything,' she said, 'but it only came back to me yesterday. Tilde mentioned something, just before Dougie had his second stroke, about a woman who'd visited him, here in the house, a couple of weeks before it happened, which would be about six or seven weeks ago now. She didn't have any idea who the woman was, said she'd never seen her before, and she didn't like to ask in case he thought she was prying.' Julia's heart was starting to beat faster. 'Did she say what the woman looked like?' she asked.
'No, but we can ask,' Fen replied, picking up her mobile and speed-dialling Tilde's number.
A few minutes later, after some close quizzing and note-taking, Fen rang off and returned her gaze to Julia. 'Apparently she was quite young, fortyish, which is young to dear Tilde, plump, wore a purple-coloured dress that might have been brown, had short, dark hair, cut a bit like a pageboy, and drove a light blue or silver car. I can see this is ringing some bells.'
Julia's expression was incredulous. 'Apart from the car,' she said, 'the only person I know who comes close to fitting that description is my sister.'
Julia was still wide awake, staring into the moonlit darkness, when she heard Shannon coming in downstairs. She barely registered it, however, for her thoughts were entirely focused on Josh, and how much she was regretting the way she'd cut him short when he'd called, half an hour ago, to find out how she was. But she'd been too exhausted for another row, which she'd felt almost certain would happen, so she'd told him it was better that they both got some sleep and spoke in the morning.
Now, as the minutes ticked by, and the reality of his affair grew larger and larger in her mind, a desperate urgency was coming over her to call him, to make him swear that he still loved her, and that he despised Sylvia and regretted every moment he'd ever spent with her. But her mobile lay untouched, not only because she wouldn't allow herself to beg, but because she was afraid of finding his line busy. If it was, she knew she'd
convince herself he was talking to Sylvia, and already she was imagining what they'd be saying to each other, how intimate they might be, and what form their masturbation might take. Denial and rage made her push her face into the pillow, as though she could block the hideous images from her mind, but she could still hear Josh's voice, see every part of him, and even feel how much he must be wishing he was in New York now. The pain of it rose up like a fire to engulf her, and in despair and fury she struggled hard not to scream. He couldn't be doing this, he just couldn't. She had to make him stop because the pain, the jealousy and the fear of where it might lead was tearing her apart.
Dimly aware that her own imagination was tormenting her even more cruelly than the truth, she made herself sit up and take several deep breaths. She needed to regain some control, for she was becoming almost obsessed with the thought of them together, and if she carried on like this she was going to end up saying or doing something she'd bitterly regret. So in an attempt to blot it from her mind she tried focusing on her sister for a while, which brought no comfort, but it was still a welcome distraction.
Though she'd left several messages throughout the evening, Pam hadn't yet deigned to call back, and considering how little love was lost between them, Julia didn't imagine that
even telling her it was urgent would particularly rouse her. So, for the time being at least, she was left wondering what might have brought Pam here six weeks ago - if indeed it was her whom Tilde had seen -
and if it was, how had she known where their father lived?
Finally accepting that no answers were going to present themselves tonight, about anything, she decided to try and let it all go till morning. God only knew what would happen when she spoke to Josh, but she could at least call Pam again, or hopefully Pam would call her. In the meantime, Shannon was knocking on the door.
'Are you awake Mum?' she whispered, putting her head round. 'Can I come in?'
Reaching out to turn on the lamp, Julia struggled up against the pillows, and grunted as Shannon all but threw herself on top of her.
'I had the most fantastic time,' she sighed ecstatically as she rolled back on the bed and spread out her arms. 'I absolutely love it here, Mum. It's so cool. Don't you love it here?'
In spite of the heaviness in her heart, Julia was regarding her with a knowing smile. 'So did you kiss him?' she asked, wishing her own life could be so uncomplicated and pure.
Shannon's head came up. 'No! I did not,' she cried. 'You told me I wasn't allowed to.'
'You're not,' Julia confirmed. 'But I take it you had a good time anyway?'
'The best. Ottie's friends are so cool. They're like really switched-on and they're into all the same kinds of things as me, like the same music, and stuff. Can I learn to play tennis, Mum? I mean, I know I didn't like it before, but everyone's going over there tomorrow, and I really want to go too. Please say I can. They've all got their mocks coming up, and their parents are allowing it.'
Julia was stroking her hair, and gazing into her lovely, fresh young face. 'OK,' she said.
Shannon could hardly believe she'd won without a fight. 'I love you, Mum,' she declared. 'You're the best mum in all the world. I told Dad that when he called me earlier.'
Julia's heart immediately reacted. 'You did?' she said. What did he say?'
