by Susan Lewis
'He called me earlier,' she said. 'Apparently he
was seeing an author down this way, and thought he might come over. He didn't want me to tell you in case he couldn't make it.'
Though Julia knew Josh had an author in Launceston, she was doubtful that was the reason he'd come all this way, since he didn't normally make personal visits to clients who earned him less than ten thousand a year. So she could only conclude that he wanted to talk. She'd like to think it was about her going back, but if it were, he'd surely have waited until she was in London, which meant he could be here to discuss making their separation official.
'So how are you feeling now you've seen him?' Fen asked.
Julia's eyes closed as she took a breath. 'A moment ago I was nervous as hell,' she confessed. 'Now I almost want to go out and shoot myself.'
Fen's eyebrows rose, but there was no time for Julia to explain what she meant, as Dan turned up to make a last-minute change to his order.
Considering how awkward the evening could have been with so much tension between them, it somehow managed to pass quite smoothly, though Julia was horribly aware of how little contact Josh was making with her, and how her every attempt to engage with him was being politely, though effectively blocked. Whether anyone else noticed was impossible to tell, for they were certainly far too well mannered to let it show, though Fen's whispered remark as they left the pub was still resonating with Julia when she got back to the house.
'He's here, it's a start,' she'd said.
Julia only wished she could feel the optimism the words were meant to convey, but her heart was tight with foreboding as Josh carried a sleeping Dan into the house and together they struggled to undress him and put him to bed.
'I would have brought him back,' she said, watching him gaze down at Dan's face. 'I wasn't planning on keeping him.'
Josh made no comment as he stooped to kiss Dan's forehead.
'That's why you came, isn't it?' she said, trying to keep her voice steady. 'You were afraid I...'
'Do we have to have this conversation with him in the room?' Josh interrupted.
Refraining from pointing out that he was asleep, she kissed Dan too, then left Josh to turn out the light.
'Can I get you anything?' she offered when he joined her in the kitchen.
He shook his head.
For several moments they stood in silence, until he said, in answer to her earlier remark, 'It's not why I came.'
A faint flicker of relief stirred inside her, but soon died when his eyes failed to meet hers, and then the dread that she'd managed to keep in check all evening began to grow into a terrible burn of fear. He'd come because he, or Shannon, or both, didn't want her in the house tomorrow - or because he wanted her to respond to the papers his solicitor had sent. He could even be suing for full custody of the children ... Her heart was beating too fast, her mind was in turmoil, and in a futile attempt to stall whatever it was, she said,
'Are you planning to stay here tonight? I can always sleep on the sofa. It converts into ...'
'I've booked into a B & B just up the road,' he cut in.
Feeling the jolt of that as if it were a blow, she turned away and for something to do put on the kettle.
'I wanted to see you,' he told her, 'because I needed to find out how I'd feel when I did.' He took a breath. 'Shannon still insists she doesn't want you to come back, but I think she says it more for me now.'
Hardly daring to hope, she kept her back to him as she said, 'Does that mean you do?'
'I don't know.'
She turned round and wondered if she'd ever wanted to hold him more.
'I miss you, I'm not going to deny that,' he said. 'I just don't know if it can work.'
'Neither of us will know unless we try.'
His head went down as he slid his hands into his pockets. 'The problem is, I'm not sure I feel the same way about you now.'
Though her heart shrank from the words, she forced herself not to respond, and merely said, 'I wish you'd stay here tonight, for Dan's sake, if not for mine.'
His eyes narrowed, and for a moment he seemed to be considering it, but then he shook his head and said, 'No, it's best this way.'
She continued to look at him, willing him to bring his eyes back to hers, but he wouldn't. In the end, deciding to throw caution to the wind and just be truthful, she said, 'I want us to get
back together, Josh. I love you, I've always loved you and I've never stopped wanting you. Even now ...'
His hands went up as though to block her, though it was several seconds before he said, 'I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but for the first time in my life I feel nothing when I look at you, so if you were about to try and talk me into bed, please spare us both the embarrassment, because it's not going to happen.'
Her eyes flashed with hurt. 'Actually, I was going to say, even now, after all we've been through, I still love you more than I've ever loved anyone,' she replied.
A look of cynicism came into his eyes. 'Of course, it's young Italians you want to go to bed with, isn't it?' he said. 'Forgive my conceit.'
'Josh, don't do this,' she cried. 'Please just try to understand that the only reason it worked with him was because I wasn't afraid he was going to leave me. All my abandonment issues, the locked-in terror, the fear of really letting go, it's because I was afraid you were going to leave me, reject me the way my father did. But I don't think I have that fear any more. I can't say for certain ...'
'No-one's asking you to.'
'For heaven's sake, let's stop making this all about sex. We've got two children, a whole life, a history. You can't just want to throw it all away. It has to mean something. It has to be worth fighting for. If we can just give it a try. Josh listen,' she urged as his eyes moved sharply away. 'I've had to forgive you for Sylvia ...'
'It's not the same thing, and you know it,' he cut in angrily. 'I wasn't rejecting you ...'
'I know, I understand that...'
' ... it was you I'd have been with, if you'd let me. I'd never even have looked at another woman if you hadn't kept turning me away, but there clearly wasn't any problem for you when it came to Rico, was there? In fact, you were obviously so rampant for him that you didn't even give a thought for your own daughter.'
'I'm not going to attempt to make excuses for what I did,' she responded, trying to keep her voice down, 'it was wrong and I fully admit that, but it still has to be said, if you hadn't been sleeping with Sylvia, it would never have happened.'
'Oh for Christ's sake, make it my fault...'
'It was both our faults, but that's not what matters now, is it? What matters is not allowing it to do any more damage than it already has. Please Josh, let's try to find each other again. It's what I want, and I don't care what you say, I can't believe you don't want it too.'
His eyes stayed on her, harsh and impenetrable, as though still fully determined not to let her back in, even resenting the fact she was trying. Finally he looked away and at least some of his anger seemed to abate. 'What about this place?' he asked abruptly. 'What are you going to do with it?'
'I can have it cleared in a couple of days,' she answered, 'then I can sell up, if that's what you want.'
He was looking around, seeming to take it all in, the hearth with its logs, the dressers with their
photographs, the cupboards, the windows, the shadow of the mill turning outside. As she watched him she could only guess at what he was thinking, though he knew how much it all meant to her, how desperately she wanted to hold onto it if she could.
In the end he said, 'Where did it happen? You and the Italian. Which room?'
'Upstairs. In the bedroom,' she replied. She didn't have to tell him about the other times, because it was over now, and there was no reason for him to know.
The coldness was back in his eyes as he said, 'I think you should keep it.'
Realising he could be about to offer it as a settlement she quickly said, 'But if it's not somewh
ere we can share ...'
'That's not what I'm saying. I don't know what's in the future for us, but I do know, if I ever spend time with you here, I won't want to sleep in that bed.'
'Then I'll get rid of it,' she said, without hesitation.
He nodded briefly. 'It'll be a start,' and picking up his keys he turned to the door, saying, 'I'll be back in the morning for Dan.'
The following morning, after a tearful goodbye to Daniel and a difficult embrace with Josh, which was more for Dan's benefit than either of theirs, Julia went straight over to the Bowers to see if she could find Tilde. If anyone would know who to call about removing a bed, she would, and since that was what Josh wanted, Julia was more than
happy to comply. No matter that it had belonged to her father and Gwen, there was no room for sentimentality in this scenario, for if the situation were reversed and Josh was asking her to sleep on a bed he'd shared with Sylvia, she knew only too well what her reaction would be. Even to think of it caused a sickening twist in her heart, for she was still a very long way from being over either the jealousy or the pain, and though she knew Sylvia was in Australia now, it didn't mean she'd stopped tormenting herself with images of them together.
She had never found out what had really happened the night of Sylvia's launch, but for now, at least, it was enough that Josh hadn't gone, and that Sylvia had been utterly humiliated over the next few days in the press. Many of the diarists had gone to town with how she'd been stood up, proving she wasn't quite as popular with journalists as she'd liked to think. Julia had savoured every word, and might even have called to gloat had she not been afraid it would backfire. In the end, she'd just been thankful for the way Josh had claimed to be mystified as to why anyone had thought he was going to the party, and as for his marriage being in trouble, that was plain absurd.
As usual, Tilde was delighted to be asked for help. Since the bed wasn't very old, and was extremely handy with its built-in drawers, she immediately proposed selling it, nice and cheap, to a young couple she knew who were just setting up home. If she wondered why Julia wanted rid of it she never asked, which led Julia to suspect that she
probably knew, for very little ever made it past Tilde.
'I'll get onto 'em right away,' she said, bustling across the big old farmhouse kitchen to the phone. 'I know they don't have a bed yet, because I saw them last night, and they happened to mention it. So I reckon Providence is having a bit of a hand in here, don't you?'
Relieved that it was proving so easy, Julia waited for Tilde to arrange a viewing for the couple, then returned to the mill to unpack the blankets and lines stored in the bed's drawers. After piling them on one of the sofas, she went back to the bedroom for the cash box, which was still on the pine chest where Rico had put it on that fateful morning. Though she didn't want to relive what had happened then, she couldn't help wondering how Rico was now, for it had been almost two weeks since he was last in touch. Hopefully, that was a sign he was starting to get over it. When he'd first gone back he'd been calling at least twice a day, wanting to make absolutely sure she understood how much he still loved her, and to find out if maybe she had changed her mind.
Feeling guilty even as she dismissed him from her thoughts she carried the box downstairs and got into the car to drive over to Chapel Amble where David and Charles lived and Charles had his workshop.
As she wove through the picturesque lanes and byways, she was so focused on Josh and the future, and how determined she was to bring her family back together, that she wasn't really thinking about what the box might contain. But even when it did
finally penetrate her thoughts, she knew in her heart that whatever its secrets might be, no matter how terrible or dark, nothing, but nothing could be worse than losing Josh and her children.
Chapter Seventeen
Josh's face was tight with anger as he glared at Shannon across the kitchen. 'Do you really have to he so selfish?' he demanded. 'Are you the only person living in this house who counts? Is that how it's working with you? Invite in whoever you like, turn the place into a pigsty, leave nothing for anyone else.'
Shannon's cheeks were hot with colour, her eyes blazing with fury at the way he was embarrassing her in front of her friends. 'We have to eat!' she cried. 'And you knew everyone was coming.'
'There's nothing left in the damned fridge,' he shouted. 'It was full this morning, and this kitchen was clean. Now look at it. What the hell's the matter with you? You're supposed to be helping your grandmother, not making her life ten times harder. Now send everyone home.'
'But they're here to ...'
'Don't argue,' he raged.
'I'm sorry,' Shannon mumbled to her friends, who were already sidling towards the stairs. 'I
didn't know this was going to happen. He's not normally so mean...'
'Can it, Shannon,' he snapped, and going to dump his briefcase and a heavy manuscript in his study, he took out his mobile to turn it off mid-ring. He'd had enough of that particular instrument today, for it had seemed to bring nothing but one problem after another, not least of all the call from his mother letting him know that she would be having a lie-down when he came in, because Shannon had a few friends over, who were a little noisy and boisterous for her, and heavens, what appetites they had. Virtually the entire contents of a recent supermarket haul had been demolished, and there was nothing left in the fridge for dinner, but she was sure they'd manage.
As the front door slammed Josh went back into the kitchen, and hearing Shannon starting upstairs to her room he shouted, 'Back down here please!'
When she appeared her face was mutinous, her eyes glittering with anger. 'You really showed me up ...'
'You deserve to be shown up. Christ, I've got enough on my plate without coming in to find the place stuffed full of your friends who can't be bothered to pick up after themselves.'
'You said they could come over,' she yelled. 'I asked you this morning, and you ...'
'I didn't say they could eat us out of house and home and send your grandmother upstairs to lie down because she can't take any more. You were supposed to be doing homework, and if any one of those cans contains alcohol- or caffeine-charged
liquids you are going to find yourself grounded for a month.'
'Then ground me. I don't care. It's like living in a prison anyway, with you. I'm never allowed to do anything. At least Mum never minded my friends coming over, and she never showed me up the way you do. She'd let us eat what we wanted ...'
'But your mother's not here, is she? And she never will be if it goes on like this.'
Shannon's angry expression showed a trace of unease. 'What do you mean?' she demanded.
'I mean you won't even speak to her on the phone, so to be holding her up as some kind of icon now is a bit rich, isn't it?'
'I was just saying ...'
'I'm not interested in what you're saying. Just quit arguing and start tidying up this mess. I have to pick Dan up in ten minutes, and now, thanks TO you, I'll have to go to the supermarket so the rest of us can eat tonight.'
'There's stuff in the freezer.'
'Well, thank you.'
As he snatched up his keys and started to leave Shannon broke down in tears. 'You're always taking it out on me,' she sobbed, 'and it's not my fault I didn't make her do that, so it's not fair to keep picking on me, and being horrible to me ...'
Taking a deep breath, he stopped and turned back. 'I'm just pointing out that your behaviour is not very helpful when Grandma is trying so hard to take care of us,' he said, softening his tone a little.
Shannon's distress was growing to a point where she could barely catch her breath. 'Mum
never had a problem with my friends,' she cried, 'and I could always talk to her about anything. You're just mean to me, and I want to go away and never have to see any of you again.'
'Come on,' he said, pulling her into his arms. 'I'm sorry I shouted, and I'm sorry if I showed you up.'
Allowing him to draw h
er down onto his lap, she put her arms round his neck and wept into his collar. 'I really wish Mum hadn't done what she did,' she said. 'It's messed up everything, and we're all really unhappy now. Why did she have to do it, Dad?'
As he tried to think how to answer, she said, 'It was wrong and really bad of her to do that to you, and I understand why it's made you in a bad mood all the time, but I just hate it when you keep picking on me.'
'I'm sorry if that's how it seems,' he said, stroking her hair. 'I don't mean to. I guess we're all a bit stressed and we need to sort out what we're going to do, because poor Grandma can't cope much longer.'
For a while they sat quietly amidst the debris of her teenage feast, their thoughts inevitably focused on Julia, though neither of them knew quite how to proceed from here. In the end, Shannon said, 'Is she living with him now?'
He frowned. 'Do you mean is Mum living with Rico?'
She nodded.
'No, of course not,' he answered. 'She's on her own down there, and, actually, she really wants to come home.'
Shannon sat up and looked into his face. 'Do you want her to?' she asked, her watery eyes searching his for guidance.
He nodded. 'I think so,' he answered. 'Do you?'
Her gaze moved away, then tightening her arms around his neck, she said, 'I really love you Dad and I don't want her to hurt you again.'
He laughed sadly, and held her close. 'I don't think she wants to do that,' he said, feeling wretched for letting Julia take all the blame. However, confessing his own guilt was hardly going to help Shannon to understand things any better - if anything, it would be too much for her to bear.
'But how are you going to forgive her?' Shannon asked.
'Oh, I think I can manage it,' he answered, realising that she might be waiting for such a signal to allow herself to forgive too. To his surprise though, she started to cry again.
'He would have been my boyfriend, but she took him away,' she wailed.
