I'm not going to follow her down a road into the pit of my past indiscretions. I was a man whore before we met. I've admitted that. I did some stupid, reckless things when we were first together. I've owned up to all of that. I'm not going to let her drag my past back into this. "I'm not going to let you bring up my past again. It has nothing to do with this."
She freezes in place. Her eyes dart around the room. She's looking for an escape route, not in a physical sense, but an emotional one. She wants out. I see it in her expression. She wants this conversation to be over. "I can't do this right now," she whispers softly.
"I can't keep living in the dark." I reach for my own robe that I threw on a chair this morning. "I have been nothing but transparent with you, Jessica. You know everything about me. It's your turn to tell me what's going on."
"It's in the past." She takes a step towards the foot of the bed before she stops.
I move towards her. I don't want to crowd her but there's no way in hell I'm letting her out of this room. "You can trust me with anything." I need to sound as sure about this as I feel. I'm scared. I'm scared shitless that she's going to tell me something that will throw my heart out into orbit. I've never allowed myself the chance to love a woman before. This is new territory for me. I need her to trust in me, just as much as I trust in her.
"It's not that simple," she says, defeat coursing over the words. "I've never told anyone about it."
That's progress. It's a small confession but it's telling. This has been pulling at her for years. She's hidden it away from everyone.
"I can't tell you, Nathan." She lowers herself onto the corner of the bed, her back still turned to me. "I can't talk about it."
He hurt her. He hurt her in ways that have now defined her. "What did he do to you?"
"I did it to myself." Her voice is so soft. It filters into the room with a silent ease. "I made my own choices."
"I can help you." I'm around the bed now, standing in front of her. "Let me help you."
She looks up and in that instant I see a different person within her eyes. The soft, gentle soul that is always staring back at me has been replaced by a vacant shell. "No one can help me."
I'm on my knees now, my hands resting on either side of her body. "Jessica. It's me. We tell each other everything. Just fucking tell me."
Her eyes scan my face and for a brief moment her lips part. "I…" her voice trails as my cell phone starts ringing again.
I look to where it's sitting on the nightstand. It's too late for anyone to be calling unless it's an emergency. I ignore it. I have to. Nothing that anyone else has to say to me will ever be as important as this. "I need you to tell me what happened between you and him."
She turns back to look at the still ringing phone. "You should get it."
I shake my head briskly from side-to-side. "No. Jessica, listen to me."
"Get the phone."
I don't move. I wait until the ringing stops. "You're ripping my heart out. Just tell me what the fuck happened to you."
Her hand slides from her lap up my arm to my face. She cradles my cheek within her small palm. Just as she bites her bottom lip a single tear falls from her eye. "I did something bad."
I feel her pain through me. It bites into my heart. "I can help you. Just tell me."
She hesitates before leaning forward to kiss me softly on my mouth. Her lips are lush and warm. I lean into the kiss. I know she needs the physical connection to feel close to me. I need that too.
I feel lost the moment she pulls back. "It was so long ago, Nathan. I can't change any of it now."
I scoop her hand into mine and bring it to my lips. I need to kiss her still. I want to feel my lips touching her. "You don't need to change it. You can share it. It will help."
"Nothing will help." Her tone is stronger and more determined. "Nothing will ever change what I did."
She wants me to give up. I can see in her eyes that she's growing weary. I'm exhausting her with my unending assault. I need to get to the bottom of what's going on with her. I need her to tell me before this thing pulls her away from me for good. "I'm not going to give up, Jessica," I say with determined clarity. "You have to tell me."
She pulls back, her hand dropping from mine. "I can't."
"I need you to."
She taps her foot on the hardwood floor. She's restless. She's aching to bolt but I'm trapping her body with mine. It's as much to take comfort in how close we are as it is to keep her in place.
"I won't tell you."
I lean forward resting my head briefly in her lap. "You have to tell me."
I feel her fingers weave through my hair before she harshly pulls my head back up. She stares at me in silence, her eyes never wavering from mine. "You aren't listening to me, Nathan."
I'm exasperated. I can't keep running in the same circle trying to catch her. She has to give me a little. If she won't, I don't know how the two of us can move forward. "I am listening to you. We are in a relationship with each other, Jessica," I say each word with force. "I love you. I need you to be honest with me. I need you to tell me what the fuck happened between you and Thomas."
Her back tenses. I see the strength return to her face. Her chin juts up, her shoulders bolt forward and she looks me right in the eyes. "It's none of your business."
I recoil so strongly that I fall backwards. My ass hits the hardwood floor with a dull thud. I stare up at her. Her expression is empty and void of anything. I don't say a word as she stands, steps over me and walks out of the bedroom.
Chapter 16
"He died?" I repeat the question again, certain that I didn't hear the answer correctly the first time. "What do you mean he died?"
Brian, one of the other junior attorneys at our firm, nods his head. "He went to take a nap and one of his granddaughters found him in bed. He was dead."
The words are so harsh and final. I just saw the man yesterday. I was in such a hurry to get him out of my office that I hadn't offered him any reassurance about his case. I didn't even bother to call him last night, after my marathon meeting. I wanted to reach out to him to give him hope. I thought I'd have time to do that today.
"I tried to call you last night to tell you but you must have gone to bed early."
It takes me a minute to register what he's saying. That was him calling. After Jessica had locked herself in the guest room I'd had a few bourbons. I didn't even bother looking at the phone at that point. I didn't give a shit about anything but my relationship, which seemed to be in free fall mode.
"Have you spoken to his granddaughters yet?" Brian's keeping the conversation moving at a forward pace all on his own.
"No," I say in a hushed tone. "I haven't talked to either of them."
"One called me this morning." He pulls out his smart phone. "I sent flowers on your behalf."
I nod. "I need a number. Give me the number of one of them."
He grazes his thumb over the screen of his phone. "I texted it to you. Her name is Pam. She's really broken up."
"Thanks," I throw the word at him. I'm not thankful. I wish that he hadn't come racing into my office the moment I arrived to dump this pile of shit on my lap. How the fuck am I supposed to handle this? I deal with death all the time. A big portion of my business focuses on people selling shares or companies after the death of someone they love. Suddenly, it all seems that much more real.
"Do you need anything?" He's hovering and it's making me completely uncomfortable. I need him to get the fuck out of my office but he's been assigned to be my assistant for the next half a year. If I make partner, I'm shifting his ass to someone else's office first thing.
"Nothing," I grumble as I wave my hand at him. "Go back to your office."
He doesn't take offense at how gruff the words are. "Call me if you need anything."
By his tone, you'd think that I'd suffered a personal loss this morning. I guess in a way I had. My girlfriend has pushed me into a corner. She's made it crystal clear tha
t she's never going to share the secrets that have defined her past.
The ringing of my desk phone jars me back into the reality of the moment. I reach for it.
"Mr. Moore, Mr. Ryan is here."
"Let him in."
I'd called Garrett this morning on my way into the office. I'd walked. Normally I'd take the subway but I was up early and knew that both the exercise and fresh air wouldn't hurt my mood. It was a wasted effort though. After trying to weave my way through a host of tourists on Central Park South, I almost lost it. Bad moods and pedestrian traffic don't mix in my world.
"Sorry I missed your call." He walks through the open door of my office. "Do you want this shut?"
I nod. "Close it and sit down."
"You're chipper," he jokes. "What the fuck is going on with you?"
Confiding in Garrett isn't my first choice. My first choice is my sister, Sandra. When I called her this morning she wasted no time in informing me that both her kids were down with the flu. She was stressed, at her wit's end and completely preoccupied. I couldn't dump anything else into her lap.
"You sounded pissed on the phone," he continues. "Is it Jessica?"
I nod. This is the point where I tell him that I have doubts about the woman I've been begging to marry me for the past six months. I have to swallow my pride if I'm going to get his input. I need to let go and just spill it. "It's her."
"Is it about Governor Lane?" he asks, doing little to cover his know-it-all attitude. "I thought there was something going on there."
I knew this was a bad idea. What the fuck was I expecting when I called Garrett? There's no way in hell I can tell him what's going on with Jessica without him throwing it all back in my face. He's never believed we were a good fit. He knows I love her but he's told me more than once that I can do better than her. He's wrong. "We just had an argument," I try to sound nonchalant. "I overreacted when I called you."
He eyes me up from across the desk. "That's bullshit."
"Bullshit?" I crack a smile as I toss the word back at him.
"You were torn up on the phone." He taps his index finger on the edge of the desk. "You didn't call me because you two argued. It's more than that."
He's right. We both know it. The problem is that I feel like I'm betraying Jessica. I can't do that. Regardless of how much she shuts me out, I can't start sharing what's happening between us with just anyone. I can't do that to her. "It's more than that," I lie. "I lost a client this morning."
"I don't blame them," he chuckles. "I'd fire you too if you were my lawyer."
"Not fired." I shake my head. "My client died."
"Fuck." He pulls in a heavy breath. "That's rough man."
I turn my chair so I facing the bank of windows that overlook the city. He knows Mr. Wilkinson. Garrett is the one who recommended me to him. I don't want to get into the details of his death right now. "You never know when it will be the end. One day you're making phone calls, meeting with people, and living your life and then you go to sleep and never wake up."
"How old was he?"
"Older," I toss the word behind me. "He had great grandchildren."
I hear him shift in the chair. "He lived a long life. Not everyone can say that."
"You're right," I acquiesce. Mr. Wilkinson had lived longer than most people can expect to. He lived a life that was filled with love and family. He'd worked hard to provide for the people he loved and then at the end he died with the worry that it was all stolen from him.
"What happens to his case now?"
I stare straight ahead, my eyes locked on the streams of people filling the sidewalks. Each of them has a story to tell. They've all lost people they love. I'm going to lose the person I love more than anyone if I don't fix things now. "His case?" I parrot back the words.
"Your client?" He speaks slowly and clearly. "Nate, what happens to his case now?"
I turn quickly in my chair, pulling my suit jacket back on as I stand. "I get as much as I can for his family. I don't give up until I win." The words hold much more meaning than Garrett could ever realize.
Chapter 17
"She's really kind." Her voice completely matches her appearance.
"I think so too," I say as I tip my water glass towards her.
She picks up the menu from the table. "Have you been together a long time?"
I smile at her, my name scanning over her nametag. "Not long enough, Cindy," I offer. "I wish I'd met her the day she was born."
Her hand leaps to her chest. "That's so romantic. Jess is so lucky."
"No," I purse my lips together. "I'm lucky. Can you tell me how much longer until her break?"
She leans closer. Her hand darts to the side of her mouth as if she's going to share a national secret with me and wants to ensure that no one else in the vicinity hears it. "She already had her break but she said she'll finish up and be right out to talk to you."
My heart is pounding. I haven't been this nervous to talk to Jessica since the second night I saw her at the club. The first night, I fell asleep before I took her into my bed. I went back to the club again the following night with the hope that she'd magically reappear. She did. I knew when I saw her then, that I'd never let her out of my sight again. I can't. My heart can't take it. "I'll be waiting right here."
"I'll get your sandwich." She turns on her heel and walks towards the kitchen.
I use the moment alone to look at my phone. I've tried calling Pam Wilkinson twice and there's been no response. I'm actually grateful for that. I'm not sure what I can offer in terms of condolences. I just want to reiterate to her that I'm working as hard as I can to settle her grandfather's case. I am. I need to get my focus back into work. I can only do that if Jessica and I are in a good place.
"Nathan." Her hand brushes over mine as she takes a seat across from me. "You didn’t have to come here to see me."
I look up. Her blonde hair is pulled back into a tight bun. She's not wearing any make up. It only adds to how beautiful she is. She looks young, fresh and alive. Her chef's jacket is stained with a myriad of colors. I can tell she's been working hard. She has been for months now. Between her job here and her classes at school, it's a wonder she's made any time for me at all. "You're so beautiful." I don't plan for the words to escape from me, but I can't temper them.
"I look like shit," she whispers back with a small grin. "I couldn't sleep."
"The bed in the guestroom is made of rocks." I cock a brow. "You need to stop running in there when things get rough."
She twists her lips together. "I know."
"I pushed you for a reason." I don't see any advantage in dancing around the subject. If I dive right in, she'll understand exactly where I'm coming from. "You're my life, Jessica. You're my fucking life."
Cindy reappears with a plate in hand. She places it on the table in front of me. "Can I get you anything else?" she asks, her eyes glued to me.
"This is good." I don't glance at the food at all. I can't stop staring at Jessica.
"Alright." Cindy turns quickly on her heels and disappears into the late lunch crowd that has now gathered in Axel NY.
Jessica reaches across the table towards the plate. "I'm really hungry."
I don't hesitate as I push it closer to her. "Eat. Please, Jessica, eat."
She picks up the sandwich and takes a hearty bite. It's one of the things I absolutely love about her. She's not scared shitless of food. She'll eat and eat until she's full. Her body shows it. She's voluptuous, healthy and strong. "I can't talk for long," she says between bites.
I follow her lead and take a bite of the other half of the sandwich. "Did you make this?" I nod towards the plate.
She smiles broadly. "I did."
"You're amazing." The words leave my lips with so much emotion. There's too much emotion in them. I'm talking about a fucking sandwich for Christ's sake. "I've never met anyone like you."
She dips her chin towards the table trying to mask the blush that is coursing o
ver her face. "You always say that."
I reach across to touch her cheek. I run my index finger down her chin. "I mean it. There isn't another woman on this planet like you. There just isn't."
"I don't want this to come between us." Her eyes lock with mine. "I can't lose you, Nathan."
They're the words I've been starved for since we left her sister's wedding. "I'm not going anywhere, Jessica. I will never leave you."
"I didn't mean what I said." She leans over the table to brush her hand against mine. "I'm sorry I lashed out at you. Please forgive me."
"I already have." It's not a lie. I can't stay mad at her. I can't.
***
"Goddamn you," I say in a low tone. "Fuck, this is so good."
She doesn't flinch. Her mouth is still wrapped tightly around my cock. The moment she walked into the apartment after work, she was on top of me. "Yes," she whispers around my cock. "It's so good."
I pull harshly on her hair, guiding my cock even deeper into her throat. She can take it all. She moans at the sensation as it touches the back of her throat. I almost fucking lose it. "I need to come."
Her hands dart up to circle the thickness. She slowly pumps my dick in and out of her mouth.
"Fuck me, Jessica." I push my hips up from the mattress. "Let me fuck your mouth."
Her legs widen and I can see how wet she is. I have to taste her. As soon as I blow my load down her throat, I'm going to lick that beautiful body of hers until she comes. "You're going to make me come so hard." The words tumble out of me in a twisted mess. My breathing is heavy and loud. I can't control the guttural moans. I can't control anything when it's like this.
She pulls back until the head of my cock pops out of her mouth. "Shoot it all into my mouth, Nathan," she purrs. "Fill me up with it."
My body takes over. My hips buck off the bed as I push on her head, directing her mouth back over my cock. I feel the first hot stream of come as it leaves my body. She moans at the taste, her tongue expertly coaxing more and more from it, until I'm still. I look down marveling at how fucking erotic she looks as she twirls her tongue over the head, lapping up every last drop.
IMPULSE: Companion to The PULSE Series Page 8
