by Ronica Black
Elaine smiled. “I’m very lucky.”
“I’ll say.” The nurse patted her leg and left.
Johnnie grinned. “She likes my gift,” she said.
“Mm.” Elaine looked at her, wanting to taste her. She wanted out of that bed so damned bad.
“She can’t have it.”
Johnnie kissed her hand again. “No, she can’t. It’s just for you.”
The door opened again and Elaine sighed. “I have no more blood; you’ve taken it all.”
But it was Michael who peered around the corner. “Knock knock.”
He had a bottle of wine in his hand and he tiptoed inside.
“Here, take it.” He handed Elaine the bottle, and she tucked it beneath her covers.
“What is this? You’re crazy.”
“You’re going to think I’m crazy when you see what that is.”
Elaine took a glance and her mouth fell open. “Michael Anthony!”
“I told you.”
“Oh my God, you mad man.” Elaine looked at Johnnie. “He just spent a fortune on a bottle of wine.” She eyed the bottle of D’Oliveira Vintage Madeira 1957. He’d easily spent four hundred dollars.
Michael interrupted. “But what you don’t understand and what she’s not telling you is that she’s a bit of a wine snob. Only vintage for her.”
Elaine grimaced at him. “I’ve been better. Been settling for less.”
Johnnie squeezed her hand and rose, most likely to be polite and let Michael visit. Elaine warmed at her kindness but already felt hollow at imagining her leaving.
“I should get going.”
Elaine loved looking at her in the v-neck white tee and worn jeans. Such simple attire held such beauty. It awed her.
She protested her leaving, as did Michael. But Johnnie insisted, and Elaine knew she looked weak, tired. And they very well couldn’t get it on in the hospital. If Johnnie’s heart had raced like hers had, it was probably a good thing she was leaving. Otherwise, no one would be able to pull them apart.
“I have work to do,” she said. Elaine imagined her painting. So focused and intense. A strand of hair falling across her brow to brush back. It made her want her all the more.
She held fast to her hand. “I’ll call you,” she said softly.
Johnnie nodded. She knelt and kissed her tenderly on the lips. “I look forward to it.”
Johnnie left her breathless, looking back once before she rounded the corner.
She and Michael were silent for a long moment after she left. Elaine stared at the spot where she’d disappeared, somehow hoping her presence, her essence would remain.
“She’s very kind,” Michael said, breaking the silence.
Elaine kept staring. “Yes.”
“She’s cares very deeply for you.”
Elaine closed her eyes. “I think so, yes.”
“You care very deeply for her.”
Elaine breathed deeply. “I do.”
More silence, and Elaine opened her eyes to study the gift basket. It was as if she chose each item herself. It was so thoughtful, so intimate somehow. Now when she bathed, she’d think of Johnnie and long for her presence. Johnnie would know what she smelled like, what her bathroom would smell like with the candles. She would know these intimate things about her, and the thought excited her. It would be between them. Their little secret.
“I’m very happy for you,” Michael said. She looked at him and saw the tears. “I’m just so happy.”
Elaine teared up, thinking of Barb. A sensation gnawed at her insides, and she knew it well. Guilt. It killed her excitement and desire, devouring it like a quickly growing cancer. It blackened her, bled through her body until she was completely dark. She cried then, hating herself for feeling anything but love for Barb, hating that she felt such guilt.
Michael inched closer and held her, allowing her to sob. “It’s okay,” he said. “Go ahead and cry.” He held her gently, yet he felt so strong. She smelled his spicy after-shave, and she clung to his muscular form. It was an embrace she could only ever have imagined. She’d never had that embrace as a child. A loving fatherly embrace, telling her it was going to be okay. Protecting her. Harboring her.
But she had it now with Michael, and though it was a long time coming, she clung to it and took it, trusting that it was true and right and good. She cried until she tired and he released her and wiped her tears. Then he tucked the covers in around her. His own cheeks were wet with tears, and his eyes were glossed over. He smiled at her despite it and tapped on the hidden wine bottle.
“Too bad we can’t open that now.”
Elaine laughed, wiping her eyes. “No kidding.”
Michael seemed thoughtful. “Nah, that needs to be shared with someone very special.”
Elaine swallowed against a tear torn throat. “Barb’s not here,” she said.
“I know,” he said. “Johnnie is.”
Elaine glanced at their entwined hands. “I’m not sure I’m ready.”
“No one ever is. You just have to open your heart and try.”
“I’m not sure I can. Not completely.”
“Uh, you looked to be doing a damn good job of it when I walked in.”
Elaine couldn’t help but laugh a little. “That’s just it. She moves me so, and I lose my head and my desire takes over. She just completely floors me, Michael. And leaves me feeling things I’ve never felt, not even with Barb.”
“And that’s what’s bothering you. You feel you’re betraying Barb somehow.”
Elaine nodded. “I guess I am. How can I lose the love of my life only to find that she may not be the love of my life? What kind of person am I?” Her eyelids grew heavy as she spoke, and her last few words were difficult to get out.
“A human,” Michael said. He leaned in and kissed her forehead. “Now, don’t think. Just rest.”
Elaine’s eyes fell closed, and they were too heavy to open. She breathed deeply and fell into the peaceful realm of sleep.
Chapter Thirty-five
Johnnie was in her studio painting with her palette knife, creating a rainy cityscape for a client when Eddie walked in, calling out his presence like a Viking winning a battle. It made her jerk, and she cursed him under her breath.
“Must you scare the absolute shit out of me every time you walk in?” She straightened from her focused stance and placed her palette knife on her tray. She wiped her hands with the moist cloth she kept next to it. The sun was sharp coming through the large windows, and she had to squint to look at him.
“Is that how you greet someone bringing you prizes?” He breezed behind the counter and deposited several plastic grocery bags, sunglasses on, new haircut worn with a bounding excited confidence.
“It depends on the prize.” She moved to the counter.
He smiled devilishly as he unpacked the groceries.
“Nice haircut,” she said as she found a cherry tomato to pop into her mouth. She hadn’t realized it, but she was starving.
“You like?” He framed his head with his hands, like a spokesmodel trying to sell it to viewers. It was shaved on the sides and back with the top slicked down to the side. Somehow he made it look good.
Johnnie reached for another tomato, and he slapped her hand. “Rinse first, you Neanderthal.”
Johnnie shrugged and popped it anyway. “What’s all this?” She noted bag after bag of vegetables and fruits.
“This is my new thing.” He removed his shades and leaned on the counter. “I’m going vegan.”
Johnnie laughed. “Bullshit.” Eddie was always jumping into fad after fad. “I give it a week. No, three days.”
He gave her the finger. “I’m serious, John John.”
“What brought this on?”
“I went to the doctor.”
“And?”
He continued unpacking and then began organizing. “I have high blood pressure.”
“Why? I thought I was the one who was too intense.”
/> He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m getting older I guess. Both my folks have it, and I do tend to worry about things. Present company included.”
Johnnie watched him work, and she felt a twinge of guilt. “I’m really doing fine, Eddie.”
He didn’t speak, just kept busy. “You are now, yes.” He shook his head. “It’s not just you. It’s the dating, the men, and the lack of relationships, my folks, my job. I’m just too stressed. And…” He gave her a sheepish look. “I’m getting a little thicker around the middle.”
She stole another tomato. “That’s easily fixed. You know I’ve lost a lot more weight than that.”
He widened his eyes. “I don’t know, girl. I’m not going to be able to go as extreme as you do.”
“This isn’t extreme?” She pointed at all the vegetables.
He placed his hands on his hips. “Oh, my God. You’re right. What the hell do I do with all this?”
“And why in the world did you bring it all here?”
“Because you’re doing it with me.”
“What? No. No way.”
“Yes, you are.” He turned and began placing the food in the fridge. “And since you’re mostly here now, I brought you some things to help you get started.”
“Eddie, this is crazy. I have no idea how to be a vegan. And this is more than just a little.”
“I plan on visiting you a lot. The less I’m alone, the less I’ll stress. You’re my sounding board.”
“That’s fine. But…”
“I know. I don’t know what to do with it all either. Which is why we’re jumping into it together.”
“But I don’t have high blood pressure. So technically, I don’t have to do this.”
He turned hand on hip. “You have no idea if you do or don’t. You avoid doctors like the plague.”
Johnnie rounded the counter and helped him finish putting things away, having no idea what half the stuff was. But she played along. Eddie was always there for her, and this honestly probably wouldn’t last. They finished, and Eddie handed her a Naked Juice and they headed for the old sofa where they sank into comfort and familiarity.
“This was such a good thrift store buy,” he said, rubbing the soft green fabric of the sofa.
“Mm,” she agreed, sipping her berry blended juice.
He looked around, not as enthusiastic about his green colored juice. He took small sips and seemed to be heavy with thought. “You’ve been busy.”
She took a big breath. “I’ve been steady. Lucky I guess.”
“If that’s what you want to call her.”
Johnnie lowered her juice and watched the dust motes dance in the sunlight. “Elaine,” she said.
“Your drop-dead gorgeous muse.”
Johnnie smiled, but inside she felt uncertain.
She hadn’t heard from her in days. Elaine left the hospital a while ago, and Johnnie couldn’t help but feel anxious over the situation. She’d said she’d call, and Johnnie had been waiting patiently. She’d pushed off Gail again and again, but it was getting more and more difficult to do so. Monica had called as well, wanting a date. She’d put her off, but she didn’t want to hurt her or play games.
“She hasn’t called has she?” Eddie asked.
“No.”
He sighed and crossed a leg over his knee. His shoes were expensive and shiny. She didn’t know the brand or the price, but she knew him. His black slacks were pressed perfectly along with his white tee and black paisley patterned vest. His fingernails were also black, probably to match his Wayfarer shades.
“What are you going to do?”
She leaned back and crossed her ankles in brown lace up work boots. Paint splattered her work jeans and her green Lucky T-shirt.
“I don’t know.”
“Yeah, that’s a tough one.”
“I’m worried for her health. What if she’s not okay?”
“Wouldn’t she be back in the hospital?”
Johnnie didn’t answer, considering his comment. He was right. Unless Elaine was at another hospital.
“Why don’t you call that Michael guy? He would know, right?”
Johnnie nodded. “Yeah.”
Eddie nudged her. “So call.”
“What, now?”
His eyebrows rose. “Why not?”
Johnnie stood as her nerves got the better of her. She paced. Eddie sighed.
“Sweetie, don’t have a panic attack, just call.”
“I’m not having a panic attack.”
“No, you’re just going over what-ifs and torturing yourself. Stop it.”
She stopped, knowing he was right. She reached in her back pocket for her phone and stared at the illuminated date and time.
Chapter Thirty-six
The bell on the door rang as someone entered. Johnnie turned, expecting to see Gail, who had been showing up at the studio whenever she felt like it. Her heart jumped to her throat when Elaine appeared. She stood in a pair of jeans and a red sleeveless blouse. She was clinging to a black purse.
“Hi,” she said.
Johnnie couldn’t help but stare.
Eddie, however, hopped up and crossed the room to introduce himself. “Hi, I’m Eddie, the BFF.”
She smiled and took his hand. “I’m Elaine,” she said.
“The muse,” he said for her.
She cocked her head and then agreed. “I guess I can own up to that.”
“Oh, you should,” he said.
He gave Johnnie a look and then gave the gesture to call him. “I’m off, ladies,” he said. “Elaine, it was a pleasure and I hope to see you again soon.”
Johnnie waved him off and they heard the bell sound as he left.
Elaine stepped farther in, and Johnnie felt nailed to the floor.
“I, uh, was just going to call Michael. To check on you.”
Elaine looked away. “I’m sorry I haven’t called. It’s just been difficult getting back into the swing of things.”
Johnnie wasn’t sure what to do. What her presence meant. She could feel her tentativeness.
“Are you okay?”
Elaine again met her eyes. “Yes.”
“Well, that’s good news.”
“Yes.”
Johnnie watched as she glanced around, studying the finished canvases.
“You’ve been working a lot I see.”
“I’m just trying to keep busy really.”
“It’s working.”
Johnnie couldn’t take the small talk anymore. “Did you want to sit and talk?” She motioned toward the couch. “Would you like a drink?”
Elaine held up a hand. “No, I’m fine, thank you.”
She didn’t move and Johnnie felt sick. She wasn’t there to see her, to be with her. She was there to say good-bye.
“Don’t,” Johnnie said, clenching her jaw so she wouldn’t tear up. She looked away and put up her wall. It was just another person pushing her away. Saying they cared but really didn’t. She could handle it. It was all she knew when it came to love.
“Johnnie, I—”
“Just please go. I don’t want to hear you say it.” She met her eyes. “Not you,” she whispered.
Elaine moved closer with pain etched on her beautiful face. “I just can’t,” she said. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”
Johnnie nodded. “Yeah, okay.”
“I’m not ready,” she said.
Johnnie laughed, so angry so hurt. “Right, because I’m so dangerous.” She shook her head. Her phone vibrated, but she ignored it. “Please, leave me be. The more you say, the worse it is.”
“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Elaine said. “I should’ve just stopped the sessions.”
“What is this exactly? And what the hell is so bad about it? I for one, like it, whatever this is. It has taken my world and turned it upside down and shaken it. It has seriously shaken up the snow globe of my life, and I know it has yours too.”
Elaine felt the words; Johnni
e could see it on her face. But her body held firm, and Johnnie knew the words hadn’t penetrated her heart.
“Johnnie, I’m not over Barb. And that isn’t fair to you.”
Johnnie moved closer and Elaine’s breath quickened. “Do you think I’m over the people or things that I’ve experienced in my life? No. I’m not. But I go on. Day by day. And I open up, even though I know better, even though I’m afraid. I opened up with you. Not completely, but enough to know this hurts like a motherfucker.”
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“You feel it too,” Johnnie said, standing before her. She touched her arms, felt her tremble. She touched her face and felt her skin heat.
“Johnnie…”
“Kiss me,” she said.
“We can’t. It isn’t wise.”
“Fuck wise.”
The bell on the door rang again, and Johnnie took a step back, the moment gone. Gail walked in like she owned the place and stopped. She looked at the both of them, and her face contorted in anger. Elaine turned and straightened herself.
“Who the hell is this?” she demanded.
Johnnie was furious. “Gail, get out.”
“No, I want to know who this is.”
Elaine looked to Johnnie. “I should go.” She crossed the room.
“No, please don’t go,” Johnnie said, going after her.
“Is this her?” Gail asked. “Is this Elaine?”
Elaine stopped and turned to look at her.
“It is, isn’t it?” Gail moved toward her, and Johnnie hurried to get between them.
“Gail, you know you aren’t welcome here. You need to leave.”
Gail ignored her, her angry gaze focused on Elaine. When she spoke she spat venom. “She calls your name when she comes,” Gail said.
Elaine blinked as if she couldn’t believe what she’d heard. Johnnie wanted to die, and her heart jumped from her mouth and lay beating helplessly on the floor.
Elaine moved toward the door with her purse now slung over her shoulder.
“But it’s me making her come,” Gail shouted after her. “It’s all me.”
Elaine pushed through the door, and Johnnie ran out after her.
“Elaine, please. Please stop.”
Elaine opened the door to her Audi sedan. She slid on designer black shades, but they didn’t hide the stone of her face.
