I saw Jasper picking his way through people, he looked tired I thought. He was carrying a bag and I heard him shout for Lieutenant Barnes.
Dov was being carried by Corporal Peters, and Seth skipped ahead of Jasmine, waving when he saw his grandmother who had just come from speaking to her brother. She looked weary too I thought, weary and sad.
Elise was with Wolf, she had obviously been allowed out of the coach; they were probably discussing how we would get back to Thorncroft safely.
“Do you remember when you asked if I was scared?” I said, I didn’t look at him, he didn’t reply, I didn’t expect him too; I began to pick bits of lavender out of my nails, as I continued “Well I am still scared, shit scared, in fact even more scared than before, because things have changed, and I have had to make a choice that I am frightened I will totally screw up, because this was never supposed to happen, I thought I would die, that would be far easier than having to do all of this…” I sighed, “I’m only human Phoenix and not a very good one at that.”
I waited. I would wait as long as it took. The world outside would still be there no matter how long it took, just a little bit older, like me.
“You went away,” Phoenix finally spoke. He stared into space, his rocking decreased but he was still moving back and forth. I reached out and put the flat of my palm on his chest. He stopped moving. I could feel his heart thumping. A strong beat.
“Yes,” I said simply, “I did.”
“Why did you come back?”
“I came back,” I said slowly, “Because being afraid isn’t a good enough reason to run away, and trying to ignore that I was hurting because of losing Gregory, Shannon, Paul and Adag,” my voice shook slightly as I said their names, “Isn’t the best way to try and make things better.”
I wasn’t sure if he would understand. Phoenix’s brain is wired to be totally linear, he doesn’t see things in the way everyone else does. I could see confusion in his eyes, he was desperately trying to understand.
“I didn’t run away from you Phoenix, I promise you that, I ran away from me.”
“It’s hard,” he said at last.
“Yes, it is.”
“I try to understand.”
“I know you do.”
“My family…” he began and then he stopped.
“Do you miss them?” I asked him gently. He didn’t reply, he but his lower lip trembled. He had not grieved properly I thought. Oh, he had screamed, had a couple of meltdowns, gone into himself, but he had never truly cried.
And no one expected him to cry in the conventional sense. He was a just a walking computer, an unfeeling machine which occasionally malfunctioned. To most everyone in the home, he was more machine than human.
“They are gone,” he said finally, “Twice Dead.”
“Yes,” I said softly, and my hand dropped to my lap, “They are.”
“You left too.”
“I came back.”
“Will you go away again?”
“I don’t know,” I said honestly, “But if I do, I will tell you, ok?”
It was the right thing to say. He nodded his head.
“I heard what Duke said to you,” Phoenix said suddenly and before I could ask him what he meant, he added, “About your Uncle.”
My stomach turned, of course, the Bee-in-the-SKY, it had audio.
“I didn't know,” I said finally.
“I looked him up,” Phoenix reached for his laptop, “He’s a joint Chief General, in the New World Succession cabinet, representing the United Kingdom, Military and Logistics Division.”
“I didn't know,” I repeated, “I have never met him, I have never met any of my real parent’s family, Duke said he didn't know about me,” I didn't believe that, but to be honest I didn't really care, James Bowes-Lyons had not been in my life ever, until now.
“He didn't,” Phoenix said.
“Didn't what?” I am sometimes a tad slow in making certain connections.
“He didn't know about you.”
“Of course he knew about me,” I said tersely.
“No,” Phoenix shook his head, “He didn't, he was your father’s best friend at university, that is how your parents met, he had been posted abroad for a five-year deployment two months before your parents left, he was told of your parent’s death but no mention was ever made of you.”
“How do you know this?” I whispered.
“He has an encrypted diary online, it’s linked to his Drop Box, he wrote in about your parents, he tried to contact them, but they didn't respond, he was told of their death whilst he was abroad, his mother wrote to him, she only mentioned your mother and father, she made no mention of you.”
“He still could have known,” I insisted.
“No,” Phoenix was relentless in all the facts being right, “He didn't, he wrote how he wished he had seen them before he went abroad, and he was sorry they hadn't contacted him, to speak to him about what they were going to do.”
“It makes no difference,” I said tersely. I was shocked but at the same time I wasn't devastated by the revelation, it was dead history, a bit like the world itself now. Also my logical mind began to put things into perspective. Duke would have updated Epsilon Command of all our details, including my link to Bowes-Lyon, if my so called Uncle realised who I was, he certainly didn't care now. What was done was done.
All I was worried about was what would happen if anyone else got to know my unwanted sordid little family secret. Feelings were already running high about Duke and Zimmerman, I dreaded to think what everyone would think about Bowes-Lyon.
“I won't tell anyone,” Phoenix took me by surprise.
“Thank you.”
“I will double encrypt access to COBRA personnel files,” he added.
A very good idea. We looked at each other. We had an understanding, a connection that went beyond linear.
“You feel up to going on the computer to see what is going on in the world outside?” time to change the subject.
“Yes,” he flipped open his laptop and began to move his fingers over the silver keys.
“Phoenix,” I said and he looked up at me, “You are a good friend.”
“Can I sleep in your room with you when we get home?” he said taking me by surprise, “On the floor?”
“Yes,” I said. I left him to his work.
I put Bowes-Lyon and my unfortunate genetic link to them to the back of my mind. We had lived two utterly different lives before the Twice Dead contagion, nothing had changed there, not even the end of the known world. It was yet another moot point in my life.
Mitch was waiting for me when I stepped out of the coach. He had told me off, and I took it stoically. We were standing at the rear of the vehicle; people were milling about but they gave us space to speak in private.
We spoke of Adag and Paul, at first not crying, because we wanted to be strong for each other.
“She and Paul must have planned it from the word go,” I said to Mitch, “This way or another way, they intended to leave together, no matter what.”
“Not sure if I could do that,” Mitch said and I had to smile.
“Mitch,” I said affectionately to the man who had become not only a friend but a father figure, “You just did hand to hand battle with a group of Twice Dead who were about to have you for dinner...literally!”
Mitch put his hand into the back pocket of his pants and pulled out a pair of dentures he had obviously found among the Twice Dead debris.
“Couldn’t find any slippers, I’m afraid,” he said and we began to laugh, we laughed until we started to cry because we had lost more than just a work colleague and a fellow resident.
We had lost friends who had in a short space of time become our family. And we had hugged each other, and the tears on our cheeks were not just for those we had lost to the Twice Dead but also for ourselves.
I went looking for Jasper next. He had been on a gruesome forage with Nat among the debris of the battle
that had flooded down river with us after the explosion.
He was kneeling on the grass, set back from the other survivors, in front of him was the large selection of take-a-way cartons and empty water bottles that had once held the food and drink we had bought with us from the home.
With Nat he had been gathering samples of Twice Dead flesh, taken, very carefully. Nat had some surgical gloves in his medical pack and between them they had taken on the necessary but dangerous task.
Professor Zimmerman was apparently cooperating with his captors even from his sick bed, he had his family to think of, their safety and wellbeing. He had told Wolf that samples of Twice Dead Flesh would be a good thing to have for the work he would soon be doing with regard to the pathogen.
I gazed at the grisly collection lined up on the grass, “I think I am going to become a Vegan, oh God, is that what I think it is?”
Jasper’s stood up, carefully taking off the strong but surprisingly thin rubber gloves and placing them on the grass. He washed his hands in a bucket of wild garlic flower infused water and shook them hard.
“It’s surprisingly well preserved,” he said look down at the sample which he had just placed in some damp moss before putting it into one of the plastic cartons. There was some yellow bio-hazard tape nearby which he obviously was going to use to seal them
“Couldn’t you have chosen something else?”
“You take what you find,” Jasper said.
We stared at each other silently.
“Salter is so angry at you,” Jasper broke the silence.
“What about you?”
“I really want to slap the shit out of you right now,” he replied honestly.
I winced, “Sorry,” I said.
“We should have stayed with you and the Colonel,” he said.
So that was what was bothering him.
“No!” I shook my head, “No!”
“It’s what we wanted to do!”
“No,” I repeated, “You might not see yourself as a leader, but you are, I made you go because I knew you would take care of the others, you and Peters, and I wanted Private Salter to have his chance, so you had to go, and I won’t regret it, so be pissed off with me, but don’t you ever feel guilty about leaving, because if you hadn’t left, I would have kicked your legs from under you both and rolled you both down that bloody hill.”
He didn’t want to laugh, he pressed his lips together, and I added, “See if you can find a vagina to go with those cock and balls,” my eyes moved to the sample we had just been talking about.
He laughed then. Well actually he choked and then his arms were around me and we were holding each other tightly. Both glad that the other was ok in our brand new shared world.
Bugging out was a busy process. Briefly I listened to orders being shouted, dogs barking, children shouting, angry words, crude jokes, watched flashes of muddy green combats stride back and forth over the grassy terrain, I took in similarities and differences between the soldiers and the residents of Thorncroft.
Mitch was arguing with Private Bryson, something about him doing his own “bloody thing”, and that he wasn’t fucking army anymore, that made me smile, the Colonel was with Elise, by the van, they had one of Mitch’s maps spread out over the engine of the vehicle and were studying it together. Elise suddenly shouted to a soldier, one of the ones whose names I had yet to take in and gave him an order. He in turn sprinted over to the coach, obviously Phoenix was being consulted about our journey back to Thorncroft.
“You OK?” the voice behind me made me jump. It was Private Topaz. I turned to face her.
“Yeah,” I said, “Just taking it all in.”
“They call it battle fatigue, or combat fatigue” she said, “Take your pick.”
“Pardon?”
“The numbness you feel,” she said, “After being in battle, don’t let it consume you.”
“Easier said than done,” I replied, “I’m not a soldier.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Topaz took her beret off her head and shook it, bits of leaves and dirt fluttered to the ground, “You were still in a battle, and it isn’t over yet.”
“I’m leaving the righting to you lot from now on,” I said, “I’m officially a disabled person you know.”
“Won’t make much difference when Captain Lacks-Renton starts our pack runs back up, though she might give you a head start to level the playing field.”
“I’m not a soldier,” I repeated.
Topaz grinned as she put her beret back on her head, “No, you’re not, but you will be, soon.”
She walked off leaving me standing where I was, thinking, “What the hell was she on about?”
“Lucy!” I was distracted by Percy calling me. He and Gabe were sitting on the overturned log I had been pulled off by Duke. Percy still had baby Poppy in his arms and she was happily guzzling some cold milk formula. Her Grandmother was with her brother more than likely I thought.
I walked over to them and they moved up so I could sit down beside them.
Gabe gave me a hug and a kiss, “You scared the shit out of us,” he said.
“Sorry,” I was going to make a recording of that word, I was saying it a lot.
Gabe took my hand in his and held it, “I’m surprised you didn’t go ga-ga long before you did.”
“Who said I’m not ga-ga already?” I replied.
Percy laughed, “We’re all bloody ga-ga, I mean, look at us all!” he nodded in the direction of the people milling about, “Not only ga-ga but have you ever seen such a motley crew of people in your whole life?”
He had a point.
Gabe snorted, “Percy,” he said, “We lived in Brighton, Motley is our middle name!”
“Speak for yourself!”
I reached over and touched the baby’s cheek with a forefinger. She looked up at me with huge green eyes as she sucked the milk hungrily.
“I feel sorry for her,” I said softly, “A monster for an Uncle.”
“Not her fault,” Percy said briskly.
“No, it isn’t” I agreed, “But there are people here, they might hold it against her.”
“Will they bollocks,” Percy said firmly, “Hate has to end with us. We might have to go into battle again, but it shouldn’t be because we hate, it would be because we have no choice.”
If only that could be the case I thought, but it was a good sentiment and if we could live up to some of it, then it would make the future worth fighting for.
“I thought you might have run off because you couldn’t bear the thought of having to eat our cooking for the rest of your life,” Gabe joked and I had to smile.
“No,” I said honestly, “I ran because I didn’t want to face my demons”
Percy laughed, “You faced them alright, they tried to bloody eat you!”
I stood up, I kissed both men on their cheeks and Gabe suddenly said, “When are you going to do the nasty with that Yank Officer, Lucia?”
“Gabe!” Percy nudged his husband with his elbow, and gave him a disapproving look.
I laughed, “Already done it, got the grass stains on my bum to prove it,” I said as I walked away and I caught a glimpse of their knowing shared expressions as I went to find Cassidy, along with the high five that followed. Bastards!
Cassidy was looking after Jack and Russell whilst Gabe and Percy tended to baby Poppy. He was sitting on the ground near to the van and the little dogs were jumping over him and licking him.
He was mad at me for about five minutes, but I had got some chocolate off one of the soldiers who had some left in his ration pack and I had opened it and held out a piece to him, “I had a really bad day Cass,” I said to the momentarily belligerent teenager, he was tickling Russell’s tummy and the little dog was in ecstasy, “I’m really very sorry.”
He was pretty mad at me, because he looked my offering for a good two minutes before taking it and popping it into his mouth. He chewed it and licked his lips. He looked tired, the sed
ation Nat had been forced to give him had been strong. I felt bad about that.
“You shouldn’t have run away,” he said as he put Russell down and the dog ran over to see what Jack was doing nearby.
“I know,” I replied and I leaned against the van, “There are a lot of things I shouldn’t have done,” shagging Colonel Wolf in the woods was one of them, but it had been good if nothing else.
Oh shit! What if I was pregnant? The thought made my stomach twist. I needed the morning after pill, so did Elise, it was probably too late for Jasmine but Elise and I needed to find some ASAP.
“They gave me sleepy stuff,” Cass said in a disgruntled voice, forcing me to focus on him and not on my potential problems.
“You were very upset; it was to help you.”
“You won’t go away again will you?” Cass said, his voice was now anxious rather than belligerent.
“If I do,” I said the same to him that I had said to Phoenix, “I promise you, I will tell you, OK?”
That was enough for Cassidy. He eyed the rest of the chocolate bar in my hand and I said, “Don’t eat it all at once,” he smiled happily and then he was distracted by Jack who was barking at him and he said as he got up and lumbered toward the coach, “You can’t have chocolate Jack, it’s bad for you!”
The world was changing. I was changing. We all were changing. I was sitting sideways in the passenger seat of the van, leaning against the side of open door as I watched two little boys running around nearby with Karma who had decided he wanted lick them and he did it by pouncing on them much to their delighted screams.
Children were such resilient creatures I thought. I looked around for their Grandmother. Probably still with her brother.
Eden and Jasmine were sitting on either side of my legs, Jasmine cross legged, Eden with her arms wrapped around her knees.
“Seth!” Jasmine called out, “Stay away from the water!”
Seth turned around and stuck his tongue out at Jasmine, and she called out in a placid voice, “Someone is going to get their bottom smacked very soon!” He laughed and did a cartwheel.
The Abandoned Trilogy (Book 1): Twice Dead (Contagion) Page 41
