“A long time. I don’t want to go on anymore. I can’t cope with it. I don’t have anything left to give. I can’t even help my own daughter. I’m so alone, Little Jon. I don’t want to be here anymore.”
“I understand, Julie, but there are people who rely on you. I know things feel hopeless now, but Matt and Josh need you, and mostly Natalie needs you. I don’t know what any of us would do without you. You need to try to put things in perspective.”
“And how am I supposed to do that? Things are piling up, and I can’t deal with them anymore.” I wiped the tears off my face with Little Jon’s shirt.
“You can start by letting go,” he said, taking my hand. “Relinquishing control. Not everything has to be perfect, and no matter how hard we want it to be, we can’t be in control of everything, sometimes not anything. We can’t take responsibility for everything. Perfection is just a veneer, Julie. Living with Natalie’s illness should have taught you that. You have to learn to welcome imperfections as a part of life.”
“I’m drowning, Little Jon.”
“Then hang on to me,” he said in his soothing clinician’s voice. “Let me help you find your way back.”
I looked up at Little Jon through my tears and asked, “Why are you here? Matt should be here.”
“Well, he’s not here now, is he?” Little Jon murmured softly. “So I’ll have to do. Matt called me after he talked to you. He could tell something wasn’t right. He told me to get over here and bust down the door if I had to.”
“Do you always do what you’re told?”
He laughed. “There, you see? You made a joke. Things aren’t so bad, are they? You scared the hell out of Matt,” Little Jon admonished. “He’d go crazy if anything ever happened to you. We will just deal with this, now, Julie, together.”
“Is that the royal ‘we’?”
Little Jon smiled. “You see? You made another joke. That’s nice. I want you to come to my office in the morning. I want to put you on something to help with your depression.”
“I don’t need drugs, Little Jon. I’m not depressed.”
“You sure as hell are depressed if you were thinking about taking your own life. This isn’t normal behavior, Julie. This is not like you.”
“I just want you to know that I wasn’t really going to pull the trigger,” I insisted, biting my bottom lip, but I wondered if I knew I was deluding myself. “I heard an intruder.” I started trembling, and Little Jon took me back into his arms.
“Jesus, Julie. I’m sorry, but you have to face up to this. You have no other choice. Natalie is depending on you.”
“Do you swear at all your patients?”
“You’re not my patient,” Little Jon said as his eyes met mine.
“But you think I need to be,” I challenged.
“Do you think you need to be?” he countered.
“Can’t you ever give a straight answer to a question?”
“Yes, I think you need to see someone, okay?” Little Jon said patiently, ignoring my insults.
“What I need is Matt, and he’s never here for me,” I said stubbornly, sniffling.
“Of course he is. And so are your friends and your family. We’re all so proud of the way you’re handling this. Just promise me you’ll never think of doing anything like this again.”
“If you promise me you’ll never tell Matt or Mackie. I’m so embarrassed.”
“I promise.” Little Jon was a doctor. I knew he had to keep his promise. “But there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
I shook my head, and he brought me gently over to the bed and sat down beside me.
“How can you help me? I’m leaving tomorrow.”
“You need a hand. You’ve hit rock bottom. I can be a jerk sometimes, but I’m good at what I do. I think I can help you. I want to help you. But, for a lot of reasons, it shouldn’t be me. I can recommend someone.”
“No, Little Jon, it has to be you. You’re the only one I’d trust.”
“Why haven’t you told Mackie, your best friend, about what’s happening with Natalie?”
“I’m too embarrassed. I don’t want Greg to find out.”
“You don’t think Greg knows? For Christ’s sake, Julie, he’s Natalie’s best friend. And that’s what you need. Support from your best friend. Keeping this secret is only making things worse.”
“No, Little Jon. You have to swear you’ll never tell Mackie.”
Little Jon hesitated, considered his options, and then spoke. “Mackie told me you’ll be flying back to Miami to work at Stones once a week, so if you want, we can find time to fit in a session while you’re here.”
I nodded, my head throbbing. Little Jon was rubbing my arm, and I felt a stinging sensation like an insect bite. Suddenly I felt woozy and I just wanted to go to sleep.
“Little Jon?” I looked at him in confusion.
“Now I’m going to get Matt on the phone,” he said carefully, treating me as if I were an unstable jumper he had to talk off a ledge, afraid to say the wrong thing, to upset the precarious balance. He began dialing.
“She’s okay, buddy,” Little Jon said as soon as he heard Matt’s voice. “I’m here at the house, and everything is okay. Julie is going to sleep now, and I’m going to be right downstairs in case she needs me. I’ll let you talk to her.” He placed the phone up to my ear because I no longer had the strength to hold it.
“Julie,” Matt began.
“Matt?” I said tentatively, tearfully.
“I’m at the airport, and I’m booked on the next flight out. I’ll be home soon. So hang on, honey.”
“Come home, Matt. I need you so much. Just come home.” I could hardly form the words. Little Jon took the phone from me and tucked me firmly under the covers. He lowered his voice to a whisper, but I could still hear his angry words to Matt before he hung up the phone. “You’d better haul your ass the hell back here now, or you won’t have anything to come back to.” Little Jon slicked his hands through his hair and shook his head.
Then he turned to me, and in the tender way you talk to a sleepy child, like he was tucking in Greg or Natalie, he said, “There, Julie girl. You’re snug as a bug in a rug. I’m going to spend the night. I’ll make myself comfortable on the couch downstairs. I’ll check on Natalie first. I know Josh is out for the evening. Call out if you need me. Just sleep, Julie. Things will look better in the morning. I promise. Do you trust me?”
I nodded, spilling a few more tears before drifting into a sound sleep, which was later interrupted by the crack of a door closing and the sound of flowing water.
When Matt came up the stairs, he walked quietly into our room and began massaging my back.
“You okay, honey?” he whispered.
I was breathing heavily. My head was face down on the pillow.
“I heard the water running,” I said.
“There’s a sink full of dirty dishes downstairs,” he answered.
I refused to look at him.
“If it bothers you so much, then do them yourself,” I snapped, keeping my face buried in the pillow.
“It didn’t and I did,” he said. “I wanted to do—something for you.”
“I don’t need help with the dishes,” I said. “I need help. I need you.” Then I turned into him, and he held me tightly like he’d never let me go. And I cried out all my leftover tears in anguish. Healing tears.
The morning after the incident, the gun that almost tripped the trigger and precipitated the slide that would have sent me hurtling even further into myself, or worse, had disappeared. I never found out what had happened to it or what Little Jon told Matt about that night. Digging deep into my impressive arsenal of conflict avoidance, I didn’t ask any questions and neither did my husband.
“Julie, are you still there?” Mackie’s voice brings me back to the present.
“Little Jon may have stopped me from killing myself, okay?” I confess. “I had a gun, and he got there right before, right before�
�and now it all seems so unreal. I can’t imagine I would have done something like that. But back then—”
I can tell by her silence that Mackie is backing off.
“I didn’t realize things had gotten so bad,” she says after an uncomfortable pause. “Why didn’t you tell me? I’m your best friend.”
“There’s a lot I didn’t tell you. I didn’t even tell Matt. If Matt hadn’t called Little Jon, and if he hadn’t come when he did, things might have turned out very differently. He saved my life, Mackie. I begged him not to tell you or Matt. He put me on some medication. I started seeing him, professionally. I was his patient, Mackie, after I moved away. He never crossed the line with me. I swear.”
“You know, for a while your moving away was the best thing to happen to my marriage,” Mackie admits.
It feels like I’ve been slapped in the face.
“I know it’s hard for you to hear, but it’s even harder for me to say,” Mackie continues. “Thinking that my husband and my best friend were—”
“There was never anything going on between us,” I assure her. I thought back to that night. Was there a moment when Little Jon’s comforting hug could have turned into something more? When his strong arms, soft words, soothing tone, light touch, and tenderness could have turned hungry? When I looked into Little Jon’s eyes and saw longing? Yes, if I’m honest with myself, yes. I could easily have given myself up to it. But I never would have let that happen, never in a thousand lifetimes. Mackie’s friendship means everything to me.
Mackie doesn’t say anything, but she starts to cry. That touches off a chain reaction, and my tears start flowing.
“If I had known what you thought,” I begin. “I can’t believe how screwed up I was back then. How depressed.”
“You? Miss Perfect in Every Way?”
“I’m far from perfect, and I wouldn’t want to be. Perfect is boring. Little Jon taught me that. If I came from The Home Depot, it would be with instructions that read, ‘Needs Some Assembly.’ In a foreign language. So no one could ever figure me out.”
We had talked it out, and Little Jon had helped me understand what was happening. During the stress of Natalie’s illness, Matt and I went about dealing with our daughter in exactly the wrong way. Instead of wrapping her in love and devoting every waking hour to feeding her constant demands for attention, not to mention feeding her, we both lost ourselves in our worlds of work, me at Stones and Matt in his mergers and acquisitions. We were both seeking sanctuary in an area of our lives over which we thought we had some level of control.
We were so consumed with Natalie’s sickness we never addressed our own problems or noticed the growing cracks in our marriage. Although our marriage survived the stress fractures intact, it was sorely tested, and sometimes only limped along.
“I’m glad I had Little Jon.”
“And I’m glad I have you,” Mackie sniffles. “You know, I think I could live without Little Jon, but I could never make it in this world without my best friend.”
“The feeling’s mutual,” I reply, adding hopefully, “so are we all right?”
“We’re more than all right. You know, I’ve never told you before, but I’ve always wanted to be you,” Mackie admits.
“And I’ve always wanted to be more like you,” I reply.
“I’m sorry for doubting you,” Mackie says.
“Look at us,” I say, placing the phone on the couch for a minute and wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. “We’re quite a pair. Both of us were going through hell and too damn proud to ask for help. I miss you so much, Mackie. This past year has been one of the worst years of my life.”
“Well, thank goodness for The Colonoscopy Club and cell phones,” Mackie jokes. “Julie, what am I going to do?”
“Little Jon is in love with you. I’m sure of it. He’d be lost without his Little Bit.”
“Oh, I know he loves me, but I think he’s getting tired of living with an angry pixie. You’re tall.”
“I’m not that tall,” I respond.
“You’re taller than me.” She sounds miffed.
“Everyone’s taller than you,” I laugh, glad to have Mackie back.
“Bite me,” she retorts.
“I would, but I’m afraid you’d bite back.”
“You’re sexy, sweet, and needy,” she rants. “That’s an irresistible combination to a man. I think Little Jon had visions of riding to your rescue and how grateful you’d be.”
“You think I’m needy?”
“Don’t make this about you, Julie,” Mackie says. “Well, normally you’re not, but back then, when you were going through whatever you were going through, yes, you definitely were.”
I know that’s true.
“Well, I’ve ignored Little Jon’s bad behavior for too long,” Mackie says. “At first I stayed with him because of Greg. But Greg is in college now. I can’t use my son as an excuse anymore. I’ve stayed with him all these years. What does that say about me?”
“That you love your husband. That you still want him in your life. That you need each other. And, if you think your marriage is worth fighting for, that you forgive him. I’ve learned a lot about forgiveness from Matt in the past few weeks.”
“Well, I can either accept him for what he is, with all his faults, or leave him. If I don’t leave him, I’m just plain stupid. I don’t like feeling stupid. But I can’t imagine my life without him. A bad day with Little Jon is better than a good day without him. He’s a complicated man, but I love my husband, Julie. Right now I hate him, but even while I’m hating him, I’m still in love with him. How lame is that?”
“Loving someone is not lame,” I say calmly. “It’s the most important thing there is in this world.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight:
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
After our conversation, I pull out Natalie’s photo album, sit back down on the sofa in the den, and start flipping through the pictures. Pictures of Natalie and Greg and our family and the Shacks on countless vacations. I have been keeping a close eye on my daughter for so long, it is hard to let go.
I am missing Natalie, so I call her on her cell phone. She is walking to her sorority house for lunch. At least I hope she is going to eat lunch.
“How’s Greg doing?” I begin. I am worried that Greg might have picked up on the tension between his parents.
Greg and Natalie have been best friends their entire lives, which is why Greg decided to follow Natalie to college in Florida. Mackie and I had hopes that one day we’d be in-laws. But Barnyard is getting in the way.
“Mom, you’ve got to stop that. You’re so transparent.”
“Have you been out with Greg since you’ve been to college?” I ask, ignoring the warning signs.
“I always go out with Greg. We went shopping together yesterday. But we’re just friends. I like Bernard.”
History is repeating itself. I remember when Manny and I were inseparable and my mother and Mrs. Gellar were hatching their big plans for the two of us. Plans that never materialized. Plans that gave me false hope. And now I am guilty of doing the same thing with my daughter.
“You went to the prom together,” I remind her lightly.
“We only did it to make you and Greg’s mother happy, and because we truly care for each other and wanted to spend that special time together. But there’s nothing between us. So stop forcing it. I’m going to hang up if you say one more word about it.”
“But he’s so handsome. And smart. You could do a lot worse. He’d make a good—”
“Greg is gay, Mom. Okay?”
For the second time that day, I am speechless.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” she challenges.
“Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure. Greg is fine with it. He has tons of friends. He’s very happy here.”
“I’m sure Mackie doesn’t know. She would have said something to me.”
“Do you tell each other eve
rything?” Natalie asks.
I had thought so, until recently.
“Greg is going to tell his parents at Thanksgiving,” Natalie says.
“At our house? You know the Shacks are flying up to Atlanta for Thanksgiving, right before the wedding,” I say. I don’t think it is my place to tell Natalie that they probably won’t be coming to dinner now, and that the family might not even be intact by then.
“Greg thought it would be better if there were other people around. He’s not sure how his father will react to the news.”
“I think he’s picked the wrong holiday to come out of the closet,” I say.
“What do you mean?”
“Fourth of July would be more appropriate.”
“Why?”
“Fireworks.”
“Well, Mrs. Shack will be okay with it. She’s cool. And Greg thinks she may already have sensed it. And that’s why she’s so desperate to push the two of us together.”
“Mackie wouldn’t do that, not if she really knew.” With all the secrets we’d been keeping from each other, do I really know what my best friend would do? Or wouldn’t do? Or what I would do if I were in the same situation? Didn’t I subconsciously encourage Natalie to turn to Greg when she was sick, thinking his love and friendship could somehow make my little girl normal again? Whatever normal is.
“How do you feel about it, Mom?”
“I think Greg is a wonderful boy. That will never change. I just hoped, we hoped—”
“I know what you hoped. You’re just going to have to get over it. I did. And it was a lot harder for me.” Then she sighs, and I can practically see her heaving her shoulders.
“That’s why Bernard is so important to me,” she continues. “He can never replace Greg, but, if it makes you feel any better, it’s something I would have wanted too. If Greg were interested in me that way, he’d definitely be the man I’d want to be with, Mom. But hey, I’m growing to like Gay Greg way better than Straight Greg.”
“I wish you would have come to me, told me sooner,” I say gently, wishing I could help heal my little girl’s broken heart.
“What could you do about it? I wasn’t even sure you’d understand. His father is going to freak when he finds out,” Natalie predicts. “He’s such a man.” And by the way she says it I can tell she means it in the worst possible way.
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