After Hope Dies

by Lilly Haraden

  The Dead Man who…

  Dani locks eyes with this particular shadow, all simple like a child’s cutout angel, the kind that you unfold and from the one piece of paper come duplicates with the same shape, arms linked. Outline. Featureless. She shudders. Dani senses her little friend overcome by the same presence. Here they are: misery, this gang of ghosts in this, the Colosseum, where reality and supernaturality fight for supremacy.

  Mirror walks a little closer to the girls and says, ‘I’ll keep this short. Bax wanted me to talk to ya, young slut. First, I think it’s only fair we get some things straight. Don’t you agree, Jan? Dani? Let’s start with…say, one simple question.’ Mirror Janelle looks to the starless sky and holds up her jewel dagger to mouth, as if considering something of deep importance; Dani wonders if she can cut the distance between them and knock the weapon from her hand…but the idea strikes her as absurd. Like trying to outrun a live bullet. Mirror has found her question:

  ‘Janelle – did you know that Bax isn’t actually the Bax we all know and love? Might be better to consider Bax as a mere puppet. A shell. The real leader of this sordid outfit behind me – your beloved place of work – is, in fact…Dani.’

  Oh. Dani feels the present unravelling. And when she catches the confusion in young Janelle’s eyes…oh God. Older woman murmurs, shaking her head to Mirror, ‘Don’t. I’ll tell her. I’ll tell her now.’

  ‘You had your chance. See, Janelle, Bax himself’s been dead fo’ several months. Guess who killed him? Mayor did. Made a pact with a Dead Man to knock Baxter off his perch. Why? It’s what Mayors do. They cover and erase and overlook. In any case – get this – one of Bax’s employees couldn’t stand the fact that she was out of a job. Had a real greedy streak inside a her. She wanted things to remain exactly the same. She liked her job an’ didn’ mind all the hurt it caused all the girls. Even when she found his corpse in the office, even as she was clutching that dead nigger’s cold body, all she could think bout was herself. So, she made a deal with that spirit there.’

  Mirror points to Dead Man, paper thing.

  ‘We haven’t met this character yet. But he’s the first monster. And tha original. See, Dani found poor ol’ Bax with his throat slit ear ta ear – jus’ like you, in fact, sweet Janelle. Oh, and a few bullets in the head too. For good measure. Not sure bout the order of events. And Dani took it upon herself to make a deal with the Grim Reaper.’ Mirror cups her hands at her neck in mock despair, mimics, ‘“Please, please, we can’t have Bax die – the club will be ruined and I won’t earn any more money and think what the girls would do! They’ll have to go back on the A-lines to work where they don’t get raped and cummed on for money! Please, bring Bax back to life!”’

  Mirror laughs, but it’s not a particularly funny joke to reveal. ‘Janelle: your beloved big sister traded her soul to revive Bax. Dead Man infested his corpse with a whole army of Shadows – copies of some original shadow that hung around Baxter. And his body was reanimated! Shadows have grown quite attached to Bax, see, all around us, swirlin’ away? And the club lives on. But in the process, do you know what happened?’

  Wait.

  ‘No? Why don’t you tell her, Dani? Tell her about who created the Counterfeiter!’

  Jan turns to Dani and murmurs, ‘You did?’

  Mirror continues: ‘Gettin’ old Bax back weren’t enuf fo’ her, was it? She wanted a way to remove all the selfishness in Bax’s heart and make him a servant of Dani. Er, I mean servant of the club. For the greater good, right? So she sparked a monster into creation: Dead Man gifted her with the Counterfeiter, who sawed Bax in half. Good and Bad, to be lazy about it. As part of the condition for her soul trade, Dani also wanted Bad Old Bax gone. Luckily, the law of twins applied neatly. And poof! He was gone. And this world we live in was made new, leavin’ this black freak over here with the Beck jeans and sense of perspicacity that matches even that of you, young, Miss Janelle. Goes a way at explainin’ why Dani was so quick to brush you away, too, when you told her bout how you be seein’ that monster in the club before. She didn’ wanna admit it was her problem.’

  Dani feels Janelle move away from her side. Eyes wide and wild. Terror. And when Dani tries to reach out for her, the little creature slips from her touch like a fish. Oh, those eyes. Those eyes…Dani stammers, ‘Jan…please. I did it for the good of everyone; without Bax, the club would crumble. We needed him so we could make a living. I-I…I had no idea that monster would find you…and take your voice out…’

  Jan doesn’t look at her now. Mirror continues while Dani feels the ground crumble beneath her toes. ‘Oh? Playing the victim-cum-altruism card, are we? Why don’ you tell Janelle ’bout Yi-Ting. ’Bout how the first thing you thought of when you looked over to see that girl in the ice cream place was how much of a good slut she’d make. How good of a dicksucker she’d make? Little Chinese mouth. Not many of ‘em at the Carpet. Exotic. Nothing else came to mind. No curiosity or aid. Just pragmatism; you know what that means, Miss J – you’re a smart li’l nigga, ain’t ya. Don’t need no explainin’. She saw the flesh on those bones. She saw a new Janelle. She sees ‘em er’where.’

  Mirror giggles and continues, ‘Or what about Maria? Young and full of grace. You only know her by name, Jan, but my-oh-my, Dani’s been plying her hard for weeks. Showing up at her work, getting her friend who works there to source out a kid suitable for prostitution, groomin’ her. Hey, come out for ice cream! Ha! She even takes all her girls to the same store to woo them. Here, have some chocolate and coffee! Yes, silly, it’s on me. Oh, Maria, you’re the prettiest little thang. Hey, I think I’ve got a job for you…

  ‘You know what, Jan? She even younger than you – eleven! Ain’t got no tits or hips or nothin’. Ah you shoulda seen her first shift – Dani even paid someone to go easy on her so she feels more comfortable in the job. What was it…what does she work as, huh, Dani? A waitress? Pfft. How long ’til she has a dick up her ass? Cum waterfallin’ from her mouth like a champagne bottle. That’s how it works, right? Get ’em in. Get ’em all comfortable and increase the workload so so so slowly. Oh, it’s not too bad to let ’em touch you. Servin’ drinks will only get you so far in this place. Girl, Bax is cuttin’ the pay for waitresses so you might have to do other work. Sex work is double pay at least, girl! Let me give you the talk. It’s not so bad to give ’em a lap dance and rest yo’ hand on they lap. Just unzip it next time. Just pull it out next time. Just kiss it next time. Just taste it next time. Just keep it in there fo’ a couple a seconds. Now you’re ready for the whole thing! Don’t mind as it tickles your throat. Good girl! Make sure you swallah it all cos it’s rude not to. Unless they say no and want that cum elsewhere on yo’ body. Oh how’s money this week? Pretty tight? Know what else is tight? That little cunt a yours. Why don’ you put it to good use and sell yo’ virginity. Bax will organise the sale. I’ll show you how to put a condom on a banana, and then a man. Unless he pays for the privilege of your blood. Ah, see? It didn’ hurt too much and look at all that money! You know what’d be great – can you dance? You can? Well get you booty up on that stage and shake those hips like the world wants ’em back; men will lose their fucking minds to have sex with you, kid…’

  Janelle’s shoulders are shaking – that beautiful creature clad in white. Shaking. The rage and the tears falling, falling. Terrible sapphires touch the ground. Eyes on big sister. You betrayer! But…you knew all of this already, didn’t you, Jan? What’s new is the manipulation, the deceit, the utility, the cold calculations, the economics…

  Jan whispers, ‘I thought we were the fighters…I thought that we were on the same level…’

  That’s what hurts the most.

  Dani shakes her head and tries to explain it all away but Mirror continues, pointing the dagger to Dani – you! You did all this. Roars:

  ‘All of this, Dani, you did. You did to Janelle. You convinced her to follow the life she’s livin’ now. And, therefore, my life too. What, do you thin
k the Bad Egg just goes away when you make a counterfeit? Naw. The badness just moves on and infests another life. My life. Do ya think…do ya really think, Jan, that all of that emotional weight from your rape simply vanished when ya decided to be a good girl and hand the excess over to me? What did you call it – the missing audio from that night? That three-syllable loop you been hearing er’where? You just glossed over all the details and been so fucken happy? Doing all the good while I do all the bad? Pretending to be all civil and educated and proper and happy and virtuous and good and white, undoing my evil with your politeness and courage and apologies and promises to be better. As if I don’t want to get better at school, as if I don’t want people to smile at me, as if I don’t want people to sit with me on the bus. To call me friend. To say I’m good and smart…

  ‘Well, I’m the one who’s been living in our hell. Every time my mind stops workin’ it goes back to that horrible man and his dick up my ass and the two hands on my shoulders while he took me on garbage. On garbage! He told me I was garbage, right into my ear before he came and moaned. He told me I was a little slut and nobody would miss me, right as he pressed the blade against my throat. Every time you hear it all, I hear it all. Every time you remember peeing yourself, I feel it. Every. Time.

  ‘And who do you think’s been harbouring all the weight for our time in the brothel? You – you fucken good girl – you get to remember all the dancing and sweets and money and limelights and men who were kind to you, while I remember the man who slapped us so hard our vision swam like a school a sharks, while I remember the man who stuck three fingers up us and scratched so hard we bled, while I remember the man who made us suck his ass and then his toes while he stuck a butt-plug so far up we thought we were gonna vomit plastic. And what do I miss out on? Huh? I miss the good money and the perfumed baths and Dani holding you while you cried. Dani never came and found me when I was crying, when you were reliving our rape. Dani did nothing to stop or help me. She’s the one who did all of these things to us, cos she had the control.

  ‘But that’s all going to end. I’m gon’ end your reign of evil, Daniela.’

  Mirror turns deathly quiet for a moment but when she speaks again, she’s lost the drawl, lost the lust in her eyes, the attitude, the persona, the mask. Her face cracks and her lip wobbles. Such pain. She speaks like a regular little girl when she pleads with Dani, pleads, yes, begs and implores with a croaky voice, ‘I just wanna be happy…but this whole messed-up world you made is killing me…I don’t wanna be like this. I don’t wanna pretend like I’ve got to be something else. I don’t wanna be a bitch, I don’t want to be what I am. I want your voice, Janelle. I want your voice with my words. I want to be smart without sounding white. I don’t want to be mean to people or be arrogant or proud. I want to be like you.’

  Mirror sobs.

  Janelle sobs.

  Enough. Dani rushes to Janelle’s side but the girl slaps out – hard – and catches her on the chin. Dani scuttles back and clutches her face; Janelle’s eyes are hardened. Neither woman speaks for a moment until Janelle cuts the silence with a voice that…that sounds like Janelle:

  ‘Tell me it ain’t true.’

  Daniela closes her eyes and shakes her head.

  ‘Please…tell me iz all a lie. Everythan’. Every word.’

  No. No. No.

  ‘Please.’

  No.

  Janelle turns to Mirror – not ten paces away. Without looking back at her older sister, she speaks, ‘You know…I convinced a young girl to keep having sex with the clients. Frankie. I sat there and told her she had to be a prostitute otherwise she’d be dead in a week. A man had just raped her. I felt so bad…but now that I know that Dani’s been doing it to me, all this time…everythin’ makes sense.’

  Mirror murmurs back, ‘Feels bad, doesn’t it?’

  Janelle shakes her head and says this: ‘I only saw half the picture. I knew about recruiting…but it sounds so bad when I know it’s all been done to me. When the person who controlled me wasn’t really ever on my level.’

  Mirror nods without saying a word.

  ‘But Dani was right. Always right. It’s not her fault…’

  Dani feels a little spark in her heart as Mirror retorts, ‘How can you say that?’

  ‘Because without her we would be dead.’

  Mirror looks disgusted. ‘So that justifies her evil?’

  ‘The circumstances we live in don’t permit us to think of good and evil. We’re simply bound by evil and less evil. Practicality and consequence. I still blame her for what she did to me. I still hate her. Especially now that I know how deep all the lies and twisting go. Yet, I understand her.’

  Janelle steps forward and continues, ‘You and I are the same. It’s as you said in my backyard before you tried to kill me…but the way you’ve been behaving is horrid. Twisting all these spirits into a little gang so you could cast a hex powerful enough to ensnare Bax. Planning to kill him and then me to undo everything good that’s happened. Everything I’ve done. I hate to think of the damage you’ve already done to this world. What have I lost tonight by your actions? My mother? Where is she? I don’t know anymore. Is she dead? What happened to her in your timeline? It doesn’t matter now. Maybe I just want our world to be stable…I can see why you’d want that – you want to restore things to the way they were. But the way things were didn’t permit me to be like I am now. Like how we want to be. Like doing well in school and buying nice things to wear and making plans for high school and apologising to the people we hurt…and even to help other people. Yes: Hugo and Yi-Ting. We ended up helping them, in my way.’

  Mirror yells back. ‘You’re just as fake as me. You fucking white bitch with your white girl voice.’

  Janelle shakes her head. ‘Got nothin’ to do with that and you know it.’ She edges closer and closer to Mirror; Dani feels like she should step in but doesn’t want to spook the bad spirit into action. Mirror stays her ground, scowling, blade ready. Please, Jan, be safe, be careful. Purple mist trickles down and forms new stars in her hair as the brave girl continues, ‘See? It is possible to live a good life, even in this horrible world we live in. But your way of living is filled with evil. Your way of fixing evil is evil. Taking advantage of men with your own power, like our teacher you killed, or the rapists you slaughtered, or the men at the club who watched you dance. Playing tricks with my neighbour – you’re disgusting for tempting him like that. Setting up Yi-Ting so she’d get comfortable living rough on the streets so she wouldn’t have to go home…heh, that’s like what Dani’s done to us! You fucking hypocrite!’

  Mirror looks away and her blade arm goes weak; Janelle takes another step forward and implores, ‘If you undo all the good work that I’ve been doing then it goes to prove that there is no hope for us. Your methods are born in violence, from a culture of violence, and the only solutions that violence offer bring nothing but more hurt and more pain. Dr King said that. Violence begets violence. You are that violence; I don’t want to live in a world filled to the brim with that. I want something better. I want hope – the strongest wish I have in my heart—’ Janelle cups her breast and goes on ‘—is that I can wake up tomorrow and contribute to lessening the darkness in this world. It’s not simply enough to wish evil was gone without trying to squash it – that’s like whacking shadows with a broom. I want to be a light to banish the shadow. Something must replace violence and darkness and rape, and that something is kindness.’

  Janelle stops right before Mirror and finishes, ‘And I know you want the same thing because we are truly one and the same. You are my despair, and I am your hope.’

  And she kisses the girl. Leans in and plants her lips firm on her Mirror before bringing it all into a hug.

  Fear grips Dani – their proximity. Instinctively, she moves forward but Mirror looks more startled and surprised than anything else. And then, a change. Mirror closes her eyes and leans into the sun like a thirsty flower, rubbing her head against
Janelle’s. The very first moment of kindness in Mirror’s life, perhaps. The girls hug tight. Dani hears some words flow – ‘I love you, sweet girl’ – but can’t figure out who says it. Mirror bursts into tears and her shoulders shake.

  ‘Dani…’

  Bax’s voice crackles across the car park. Dire. Harsh. His head struggles to rise as if held down by an enormous, unshifting weight. But when his eyes meet hers…

  She knows everything has failed.

  ‘Janelle!’ Dani turns back, runs forward, arm out.

  Up comes the knife.

  Down into Janelle’s naked throat. Hissss….Out. And then into the voicebox. Out.

  Mirror springs back just as Dani catches her little sister. Rubies firework from her open wound, from the viscera of her slit throat. Girl goes off-balance and Dani holds her up on shaky feet. Hands find the wound but the flow won’t stop. Press harder into the river! Press harder! It won’t stop. Jan gurgles a mouthful of ruby blood, spits it out, covers Dani’s nose with the spray. Eyes so scared. So wild. Like a tiny flame in terse wind. Don’t go out! She opens her mouth to speak but rattles and cries. Sapphire tears. Her legs go numb. Dani screams, roars, ruins her voice, trying to save this little girl from bleeding out but the bloody jewels are all down her white dress and cover Dani’s jacket. No acid, but so warm…Janelle loses all energy and her tiny body slumps over; Dani tries to hold her up but she is weightless now.

  Eyes so scared. But the hand rises up. Fingers gentle around Dani’s wrist. Her eyes narrow. Dani follows. See here? See this? Her little finger across the twelve sapphires. Girl’s lips working. What is it?

  Soundless, Janelle whispers: I, and love, and you.

  All together.

  Dani’s mind goes silent and cold as she watches her little sister die. It takes minutes. Long, long minutes. Jan can’t cry any more. Her voice trickles out, guttural, uneven, bitter. But their eyes never leave each other. Janelle’s fingers stay looped through Dani’s silver bangle…right until her eyes ghost over and the breath leaves her.