But it didn’t matter, she decided, and she picked the baby up. The little eyes opened, a blaze of orange fire that brought a smile to Ann’s face. It had its father’s eyes, at least. The child looked like her, though, it had the tilted corners of her eyelids, her nose, and the shape of her face.
Baby’s sometimes looked bland, like they could belong to anyone with flat, round features that didn’t stand out. This child’s face looked just like hers, and she knew that this was the baby she’d waited so long for. She walked with the baby, and soon, Katy was on her heels, with a rambunctious yip and jump to say hello.
Heaven, if only Rager were here. She walked around, dressed in a long white gown that reminded her of the way women dressed in the early 1900s. She even had on one of those silly huge white hats, with feathers sticking down one side. She didn’t care though, this was better than where she’d been… before.
For a moment, the frantic sound of beeps far too close together broke into her peaceful world, but a soldier, dressed in white, came and the beeps disappeared. She was safe now, there were soldiers near.
The world started to fade after a time. The baby disappeared from her arms, a new pain sliced into her, from her back this time, and people began to shout.
“She’s losing too much blood.” A voice that sounded like Meg mumbled.
Who was losing too much blood?
“It’s there, a nicked vessel,” Skye said, and Ann suddenly felt a faint burn.
“The baby isn’t responding.” A voice she didn’t know spoke from somewhere, and Ann tried to turn her head, but she couldn’t.
“Get the robot on it.” Rager, he was there! She knew he wouldn’t leave her!
“We’re losing her.”
Which her? Her? The baby?
Ann wanted to stay, to find out what was going on. But the darkness pulled at her. She wanted to stay there. Rex wasn’t there, this dream wasn’t there. The pain, the fire, the anguish wasn’t there either. Kind of. It was dulled, not as blunt.
A long beep, that did not stop broke into the fuzziness as Ann drifted away, to a place where sound did not exist as sound. Just as an impression.
“She’s crashed. What do we do?” Meg this time.
“Leave the robot to handle it. Just save her, whatever you do.” There was a ragged tone in his voice, a sound of unbearable pain, but Ann barely heard it. She was headed back to her garden, where none of this existed.
Warmth came now, but then…
“Ann, don’t you dare leave me. Not when I’ve only just found you. Not now that I love you. Please, Ann, don’t leave me.”
She heard him, felt the way he kissed her forehead as something wet fell there. Why did he sound so miserable? She was only going to take a nap. To wait for the pain to be gone. She reached for him, tried to pull him with her. But she couldn’t, she couldn’t reach him, couldn’t bring him into this world with her.
There was no sound now. No light. She looked around, tried to find a light, a place to hide or to wander in. The place with her mother maybe. Or the garden. The garden was nice. Ann quickly found, however, that no matter which direction she moved in, there was no light. Even when she tried to move up or down, nothing appeared.
There were no memories here, no sensation. No fire, no pain, no sadness. It was blank. No matter how far out she traveled, or how high, she could not find an end to this black void she found herself in. She concentrated, tried to think of something, anything that might conjure up an image, but all she could remember was right now. Nothing more.
She couldn’t remember a face, not even her own, or a voice. She couldn’t remember a moment. And now, so many moments after she came here, she couldn’t even remember her name. Her knowledge narrowed down to a pinpoint of knowledge. She was here. This place. This moment. This now.
Nothing existed here. Nothing at all. Not even her.
19
“She’s awake!” Rager’s voice filled the small room, and Ann groaned. Her head hurt and her body felt as if it was weighed down with stones.
“Rager?” she whispered. Why was her throat so dry?
“I’m here, Ann. We’re all here.” She turned her head, followed the sound of his voice, and opened her eyes.
He was there, with a baby in his arms, wrapped in one of the baby blankets she’d made. “Which one is that?”
“Pardon?” His brows scrunched up together and he gave her a funny look. Then his face cleared as he realized. “You don’t know! This is our baby, Ann, not your mother’s.”
“What? How?” She couldn’t remember anything, except going to bed, Katy at the side of the bed, where she’d refused to budge from.
“We got you back from Rex. You were sick, very sick. Your heart even stopped at one point. There was so much wrong…” Rager’s voice trailed off and his head tilted down to look at the baby. “Skye did surgery, with the help of the robots, and delivered her. Then, they worked on you. It’s been four days.”
“Rex took me?” She sat up, now that her head didn’t hurt so much, and noticed she had an IV in her arm. “I don’t remember anything.”
“That’s probably for the best,” Mary said as she came in, a huge smile on her face. “That boy, always causing trouble. I’m so happy to see you, baby. It’s been the worst week of my life!”
Mary hugged her daughter awkwardly, and then her father came in, and more people, and then they all explained exactly what had happened, and all Ann could do was stare at them. That was her baby Rager held? She wanted to hold her. Touch her. Look at her! But Rager just stood there, the baby snug in his arms.
“I love you all, I really do, but have none of you realized yet that I still haven’t seen my baby?” She looked at them all, unsure of what else to say to make them understand.
“Fuck, sorry. Yes, here, take her.” Rager moved to stand closer to her and gently handed the baby over.
Ann looked down at the baby, and couldn’t believe just how much the tiny girl looked like her. She yawned and stretched, opened her eyes, and Ann could have sworn the tiny tot with orange eyes like her father winked at her! She smiled, touched the baby’s chin with a fingertip and looked around at the others.
“She’s so perfect.” Everybody laughed at that, and most filed out with a promise to come back later when she’d had time to get to know her daughter.
Mary and John stayed, along with Rager, in chairs to the left side of Ann’s bed.
“You’ve been through a lot, Ann. We’re here to help you, so don’t feel overwhelmed, alright?” Mary promised and tried to hide the fact that she wanted to say so much more. “I’m just glad you’re awake.”
“So, Rex took me again? And I became sick? Then what?”
“Rager found you,” John said, “well, he and I found you. You had wounds in your back, one was where he removed your tracker with what must have been a very dirty knife. You had another one, down near your hip, and that was infected too. You also developed preeclampsia, and well, you were very ill when we found you, honey.”
“Your heart stopped at one point, the trauma just became too much. You had so much going on.” Ann could tell by the pain that flitted across his face that he was reliving those moments. “You were leaving us, but somehow you fought your way back. Skye and Meg did all that they could, but you had to choose it seems. Your heart had stopped, they couldn’t get it started.”
His voice broke off and Mary took over. “That was the point when I arrived. Your dad and Rager were both just… devastated, and I walked in. They said you were gone, but I didn’t believe them. I couldn’t believe them. You’re my baby. So, I took your hand and watched while Skye and Meg worked on your little girl, and well, that was when your heart came back to life. There was this tiny bleep, and a few seconds later, another, then, it came back at a normal pace.”
“It was unbelievable. I’ve never seen anything like it.” Rager sounded as if he was still stunned by the whole thing.
“A mother’s love. That�
��s all it took.” Ann held her hand out to her Mom with a pleased smile. “Thank you, Mom.”
“Well, you just give all of that same love to this little girl, won’t you? She’ll need it I think.” Mary let go of Ann’s hand, and looked at Rager with a glare before she turned back to Ann. “Now, what are you naming her? Rager wouldn’t tell us.”
“It might sound old fashioned, but her name is Stella. It’s Latin for star. Her father came from the stars to save us all and so, I thought it best to give her a name that meant something.” Ann looked down at little Stella and felt love unlike anything she’d known before. This was her baby, and she’d die for her.
“It’s the perfect name. It means star in our language too.” Rager told them and nodded. “It’s a good name.”
“I’m glad you approve.” Ann grinned at him and then winked. She was back to life and had a lot to look forward to. “Um, there are no lasting effects to what happened, right?”
“You’ll have some scarring on your back, but only faint scars. The robots did a good job. And Skye and Meg too. Otherwise, you should be fine.” Rager assured her with a gentle tone to his voice.
“Good.” She scooted down in the bed, her abdomen a little sore, but otherwise, she didn’t feel too bad. Even the headache had disappeared. “May I have something to eat and drink then?”
“Of course! I’ll go get you something.” John jumped up and Mary followed behind, to make sure he could carry everything.
Rager poured her a glass of water, and she drank it while she waited for her parents to come back. “Our little girl, Rager. Are you okay with her being a girl?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” he asked, confused.
“Because she’s not a boy. Your world might not have as much gender bias as mine did, but there’s still some.”
“You’re right. I wanted to study, to be a scholar, but my family insisted I be a warrior instead. They chose to send me off to this planet before I was even old enough to walk. All I wanted to do was read, find new places to study, and learn. I was meant to be their crowning achievement.” His face darkened with sadness, and maybe just a little resentment. “Here in this world, I’ve noticed how men are favored. We appointed men to the highest places, because of that bias. I guess we were wrong to do that.”
“I don’t want her to grow up in a world where she’s a pawn because of the gender she was born into. I don’t want her to have to feel like she’s second best, or to feel like she can’t reach her goals because she’s a girl. I’ve noticed the old ways have crept in, women are losing their status, and we have to stop that.” Ann looked at him, a plea in her eyes. “I don’t ever want some boy to feel like she owes him something, just because he likes her.”
“That’s how Rex made you feel,” Rager surmised. “And I see your point. He looked at you as his, even though you rejected him, over and over.”
“He did, and I don’t want Stella to have to deal with that. We can’t just teach our girls, and women, that they’re equal to men, we have to teach the boys too. It shouldn’t even be a question, really. Women shouldn’t have to fight to get what they deserve, or to remind men that they’re just as worthy of the goals they set as the men are.” She frowned, then she smiled an apology. “Sorry, got on my soapbox.”
“You stay on that soapbox, Ann. You, of all people, know what it’s like to be treated in the worst way by men. Skye does too, I think. So many of you do. It’s sad really.”
“We can sort it out together, my love.” She winced, she hadn’t meant to say that last part. “Can we talk about one more thing?”
“What’s that?” He scooted close, took her hand, and kissed the top of the baby’s head. Ann placed the baby in her lap and looked over at Rager.
“I have to tell you something. Something I’ve wanted to say for a long time, but, well, life got in the way, it didn’t seem right at other times. And, well, I wasn’t sure you’d want to hear it. But, we nearly lost the chance to be truly honest with each other, and I don’t want to waste any more time on being proper and correct all the time.”
“You don’t have to be with me, Ann. You’ve always been exactly what I want you to be. Perfectly you.” He kissed the back of her knuckles and waited.
“I love you, Rager. I have loved you for a very long time, and I want to be your partner in everything we do. Not just the little things, the things we do at home, but everything.”
“Then you will be, Ann. Where I come from, love is not a word we use. It’s not something I think most of us know, even. We’ve read about it, but I’m not sure we feel it. Or, I didn’t, until you came along. And since the day I met you, well, I’ve loved you, Ann. That’s only grown stronger and clearer to me with every day that’s passed. I love you.”
Ann felt tears well up in her eyes and tried to blink them away, but they just wouldn’t go. He stood up, wiped her face, and bent down to kiss her. “I love you, Ann. You are my mate, my love, and now the mother of my child. From now on, you will not know fear, if I can help it at all. You will know only love, joy, and happiness.”
“That’s impossible, but I think you’ll try your best.” Ann couldn’t help but laugh at herself, and her tears. “I’ll try to do the same.”
“Good thing you two are already mated, or I’d tell you to get a room.” Skye walked in with a grin on her face, her eyebrows two wiggling black lines across her face. “Give her time to heal, man, before you go trying to make her a mommy again.”
“I will.” Rager looked guilty and went back to his chair. Ann grinned at the guilty schoolboy charm of his face.
“You’d better. Now, give the baby back to her father, and let me look you over, Ann.”
Ann did as she was instructed and 30 minutes later, Skye declared Ann fit to go home. “Between the robots, the drugs they used, and your own will, you’re ready to go. But I’d say take a robot with you, Rager, just in case. I’ll also be coming by daily to check on you both, at least until I’m satisfied that you’re back to full health.”
“That sounds like a good plan,” Rager declared and looked at Ann with a huge grin. “I know one little puppy that’s going to be very happy to see you.”
“Poor Katy! Who’s been taking care of her?” Ann asked as she realized she had a lot of questions. Too many to be sent off home with a baby she had no clue how to raise.
“Your mom for the most part, but she’s been here with you a time or two. She’s at home right now, the staff are looking after her.”
“That’s good.” She said it softly and looked down at her now empty hands. “What do we feed the baby?”
“Your breastmilk,” Skye said bluntly. “We’ve been pumping it from you and feeding her with bottles. The medicines you’re on don’t cross into your breastmilk, apparently, so we’ve been giving her that.”
“Oh, that’s why they ache now then?” Ann had noticed it but hadn’t wanted to complain. Not when everyone had been so worried about her for so long.
“Yes, it’s near to the time when we’d put the pumps on you.” Skye looked a little uncomfortable talking about it, and Ann couldn’t blame her, but it was still kind of funny to watch her friend squirm.
“So, you’ve been attaching pumps to my boobs, huh?” she asked when Rager walked out to find out where her parents were with her food. “You kinky little minx.”
“Oh, stop it. It wasn’t like that. I knew you’d tease me!” Skye glared at her but ruined it by laughing. “You do have nice breasts, but you’re not my kind of girl, I’m afraid, Ann. You’re more like a sister…”
“Damn! Friend-zoned by the only lesbian I know!” Ann felt a giggle bubbling up inside and knew that life would be different now. She’d almost died, and the impact of that hadn’t fully hit her just yet. But she did know that teasing Skye was one thing she’d have to do more often. The way Skye blushed was cute, and despite the teasing, it made her smile. Ann suspected because it made her feel accepted. She hoped, anyway, maybe she was making one hu
ge mistake, but Skye seemed to have a good reaction to it.
“Yep, and you’ll stay there, missy. Even with those perfect breasts! I mean, it’s lame that you’re straight, but whatever.” She winked, kissed Ann on the cheek, and then walked out of the room.
Ann was alone for the first time since she woke up. She needed to pee, she was still thirsty, and she was starving. But everyone had left the room to do something that meant she was being cared for. She’d almost died. The weight of it slowly sank over her, a fraction at a time.
Stella would have been without a mother. Rager without his soul mate. Her parents without their daughter. It would have rippled through this new world they wanted to build and darkened it for them all. Stella would have grown up without her.
All because of Rex and the stupid idea that he could make her belong to him. She hated him. She hated him more than she’d ever hated anyone. Her fists curled until her nails bit into her palms and she decided she would have to let go of this anger. It wasn’t healthy, it could consume her. Or she could focus on her family and keeping them safe.
She’d talk to Rager, find out for sure what had happened to him, and if he wasn’t gone, ask Rager to send him far, far away, where he could never find his way back. She had a family now, and she didn’t want Rex to be anywhere near any of them ever again. If she had to be brutal to do that, so be it. She would do anything for those she loved.
Rager came back in quickly, gave her Stella, and smiled. “He’s gone. He won’t be back. He’s on a planet so far away you don’t even know it exists.”
“Good, but how did you know what I was thinking about?”
“I could feel your anger.” He opened a glass bottle filled with orange juice and handed it to her.
“Eek! Sorry.” She took the bottle and guzzled it down.
“No, it’s good, healthy. You’re going to through a lot of emotions in the next few weeks, but I’ll be there for you. You aren’t alone, and never will be again.”
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