I took the new sides and stepped outside into the waiting area. I looked over the scenes. In one, Kim Kelly, the character they wanted me to play, was trying to mess with Sam Weir by asking him if he wanted to kiss her, and in another she was being a bitch to Lindsay. I spent about five or ten minutes looking it over, but honestly, it was getting late and all I could think about was how long it was going to take me to drive back to LMU on the 405. I kind of shrugged to myself, and when the casting director, Allison Jones, came back out, I told her I was ready.
I read the scenes once for the guys. The director, Jake Kasdan, laughed silently (I have come to know over the years that’s the way he laughs), and producer Judd Apatow gave an approving “HA!” and then I thanked them and left.
The next day, Lorraine heard that I was the first choice for Kim. THEY WERE PUTTING A PIN IN ME! But they needed to secure the rest of the cast before they pulled the trigger. Since Kim Kelly was a new character and technically a guest star for the pilot, they weren’t going to test the part in front of the studio and network, which is what series regular characters have to do.
Two weeks later, my agents and Lorraine called me together to tell me I’d been officially offered the part of Kim Kelly on Freaks and Geeks. Lorraine had actually talked to Judd, who wanted to make sure we knew that they imagined the part would be a series regular, but that for the pilot, it would just be a guest star.
My agents were feeling like maybe we should hold out a few more weeks and see if I got any test offers for bigger parts, since I was already doing one guest star on a WB pilot called Saving Graces. But Lorraine really loved the show and thought it would be the right move for me. Personally, I had no idea. I couldn’t really tell tonally what the show was; it wasn’t like anything I’d ever seen on TV, and I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I’d been going on all of these auditions for teen shows and this was just so different. Lorraine said to take the weekend to think about it.
Coincidentally, that weekend, Colin flew up to Sacramento to visit some friends, and I was picking him up from the airport on Sunday night. At the baggage claim, we ran into a girl who had gone to LMU, but was taking a year off to work: Linda Cardellini. We knew Linda because she was on campus a lot and was roommates with some upperclassmen in the theater department. She was also pretty much a legend, since she had left school to work professionally. Also, she was just the coolest and best. Linda beelined for me: “Oh my God! Hiii! I heard you got offered Kim Kelly?! Is that true??? You have to do it! I’m playing Lindsay!”
This was all new information to me.
“What?! Oh my God. That’s amazing! Yeah. I mean, my agents maybe want me to wait and see if I get a series regular, but I don’t know. . . .”
“No! Dude! You HAVE to do Freaks and Geeks! It’ll be so much FUN! We’ll do it TOGETHER!”
The next morning I called Lorraine and told her I wanted to do the part. It’s crazy, because at the time, it didn’t seem like a decision that would change my life. But of course, being on that particular show would eventually change everything. For all of us. And even beyond how successful everyone has become in the years since, it’s just incredible to have been part of something that’s turned into such a cultural touchstone and such an iconic high school show.
My first day on the set was kind of a blur. Ben Foster (who was playing Eli) and I hung out outside of our trailers and smoked a cigarette together. I was insanely nervous, but tried my best to chill out. We were shooting the school-dance scene, which was essentially the end of the show. I was comforted by the fact that Linda was there, even though she was busy working and we didn’t really have anything to do together in that scene. Mostly, I hung out outside on the steps of my trailer, looking over the script for the rest of the pilot.
Finally, at nearly the end of the day, I was called in for my shot. Jake Kasdan was behind the monitors with Judd and Paul, yelling out direction to me and Shaun Weiss while they were rolling. They gave us an eyeline of a piece of tape on a metal stand, which all seemed very weird to me, but I pretended like I knew exactly what was going on. A few years ago, I told Jake that it was my essentially my first day ever on a real set and he stared at me for a second; then his shoulders shook as he began to laugh. “I had no idea! You should have said something!”
But that was just it: I didn’t want anyone to know! I wanted them to think I belonged. I was terrified someone would change their mind about me, so I was just doing my best to fit in and play it cool. Especially since I wasn’t technically a series regular yet. They’d assured me that if and when the show got picked up, that would change, but on the day they shot the initial cast photos and opening credits, I wasn’t included. My feelings were hurt, but I tried not to let it get to me.
Linda had been right: shooting the pilot was a lot of fun, and I was so happy to be doing this with her. The boys were okay. James Franco was weird and intense and his whole vibe both annoyed and intimidated me. Seth Rogen was sweet and laughed a lot, and Jason Segel acted like the old pro, since you know, he had been in like two movies before. At the end of the shoot, they played us a little bit of the pilot edited together so we could see what we’d been doing. It was the last scene—the school dance—and they had already cut it together. The crew and cast gathered in the cafeteria of the middle school we were shooting in and Paul gave a little speech and then they showed it. I remember watching that ending and just knowing it was something great. I mean, obviously, since it was my first TV show pilot, I suppose I could have felt that way about anything. But it felt like there was something different about this.
Beside me, Linda was crying. She gave me a hug and said, “I really hope we get to do this for real.”
A few weeks later, I shot my part in a WB pilot called Saving Graces, where I met Chyler Leigh and Lauren Ambrose. I loved Lauren immediately; she was such a cool girl. She taught me that it’s okay to politely ask the makeup artists to do things a little differently if you don’t like the way it looks. And also that Tabasco sauce on craft service tuna salad is a really good snack. We got along really well and remained close after the shoot. In fact, she introduced me to two of her close friends from boarding school at Choate, Abdi Nazemian and Sarah Shetter, who became two of my best friends and remain so to this day.
Meanwhile, Colin was shooting the pilot for Roswell for Fox. We were both just so excited to be doing this, and couldn’t believe that everything seemed to be coming together for us at the same time. I was still supposed to be going to classes at LMU, but since auditioning and shooting were basically taking up all my time, I was flunking out of most of mine. The only exceptions were my literature class, because the teacher liked me and allowed me to turn in everything late, and my pottery class, because the studio was open to students twenty-four hours a day. In the end, the only class I got credit for that semester was pottery. I got an A, and to this day, my mother refers to it as my twelve-thousand-dollar pottery class.
In May, I found out that Freaks and Geeks was picked up, and although I wasn’t going to get to travel to New York for the announcements with the rest of the cast, Judd told Lorraine that they would be giving me the title of series regular, which was super exciting. Around the same time, Colin found out that Roswell was going to be picked up by the WB. We were both so insanely excited that we were going to be on TV the next year and also that, obviously, we wouldn’t be going back to school in the fall. We would be REAL WORKING ACTORS!
Years ago, there was a show on HBO called Unscripted that followed a group of actors around Hollywood as they tried to break into the industry with varying degrees of success. Frank Langella plays an acting teacher, and in one of the episodes, he gives a speech that I think about all the time. I’m going to have to paraphrase here because I haven’t watched the show since 2005, but basically he says, Remember to savor the call. Because the call is when you’re validated. The call is full of possibilities. The call means they want YOU. And you can’t control anything th
at happens AFTER the call. You don’t know what the picture will turn out like, you don’t have any control over how many people see it or how it affects your career but the call is a unique moment and a triumph and you should enjoy it and savor it. And then get to work.
There is TRULY no feeling greater than answering the phone and hearing an assistant on the other end say, “Hi Busy, please hold for Greg and Marilyn and Lorraine.” Because that’s how you know you’ve gotten a job. And then your heart pounds and you get to just wait to hear them say it out loud: “YOU GOT IT! CONGRATULATIONS! ARE YOU READY TO GO TO WISCONSIN????” (Or Vancouver, Atlanta, New York, Calgary, Michigan, London, Morocco, Mexico, L.A. . . . !)
I didn’t know it then, but getting the call about Freaks and Geeks was the first of many you-got-it calls I would get over the course of my career.
I’d been guaranteed I would be in ten out of thirteen episodes, which isn’t exactly a series regular (series regular typically means all episodes produced). One of the questions I get asked the most about Freaks and Geeks is why I’m not in the opening title sequence. Since they didn’t initially shoot me getting my school picture taken, and they couldn’t do a reshoot of it, they instead added a special title card for me that said “AND ALSO STARRING Busy Philipps as Kim Kelly.”
It wasn’t quite the same, but my roommates all cheered when my name came on the screen, and I tried to convince myself that maybe it was even more special to be singled out in that way.
I was invited to a limited press day with the rest of the cast, where I was asked by the NBC publicist to do an interview on Entertainment Tonight with James Franco. I overheard Franco ask Gabe Sachs, a producer and writer on Freaks, “Hey, does De Niro do Entertainment Tonight?” Franco had come back from our few months off and was clearly set on being a VERY SERIOUS ACTOR. Not that he wasn’t before, but it felt like over the summer he had read Easy Riders, Raging Bulls or something and had decided that the only way to be taken seriously was to be a fucking prick. Once we started shooting the series, he was not cool to me, at all. Everything was about him, always. His character’s motivation, his choices, his props, his hair, his wardrobe. Basically, he was a fucking bully. Which is what happens a lot on sets. Most of the time, the men who do this get away with it, and most of the time they’re rewarded. Because ultimately, they get to give the performance they want to give.
I’ve watched time and time again as the squeaky wheel gets not only the grease but also EVERYTHING ELSE. It was hard for me, because I don’t really know how to handle that kind of thing except to push back at it. People love the contentious nature of Kim and Daniel’s relationship from that show, but it was coming from a very real place. It became clear that James was going to do his own thing and that it was up to me to figure out how to fit into that. In the episode “Kim Kelly Is My Friend,” which was the third episode we shot, James was insistent that I really hit him as hard as I could when our characters fight in the end. I slapped him repeatedly, so hard that his skin was turning bright red. I felt really weird about doing it, but at the same time, he asked me to, so I went for it. I just wanted to be a good actor. Honestly, I thought he was weird and annoying, but maybe he knew better than I did? It didn’t feel right, but what did I know, really? Linda and I would talk a lot about it, since I didn’t really know how to handle it. James respected her, for the most part, because she was the lead of the show. And he was cool with the other dudes on the show because, you know, guy code or whatever. But he treated me as if I were inconsequential, barely there. I was insecure because I thought he didn’t think I was a good actor, and it drove me crazy.
James was being particularly contentious with me when we shot the school-spirit episode. We were working together all morning, and in the scene, he kept taking one of my lines. I was so frustrated because I felt like no one would ever do anything to stop him. The script supervisor tried to tell him a few times, but he kept doing it and it was the first day a new director had been on set, so he didn’t really know what he was walking into. I don’t know why James kept taking my line. Maybe to fuck with me. Or maybe he really thought it was his. Or maybe because he’s a guy and figured he can take whatever he wants. Finally, I spoke up to him: “Dude. Will you stop taking that line?? IT’S MINE.”
It’s not like I had that many on the show. I wanted my fucking line. He was annoyed and gave me a dirty look, but then didn’t say it the next take, although I could tell he was pissed at me. We moved on to the scene where James and Seth and I get pelted with water balloons by kids from a rival school and then we run after the car. For one take, the director asked me to sort of hit James in the chest as we ran after the car and say my line: “Dammit, Daniel, do SOMETHING!”
We got hit with the balloons, we ran after the car, and I did what the director asked. I hit James in the chest as I said, “DAMMIT, DANIEL, DO SOMETHING!”
James did not say his line in response. Instead, he grabbed both my arms and screamed in my face, “DON’T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!”
And he threw me to the ground. Flat on my back. Wind knocked out of me. Immediately, I could feel the wet hot stinging of tears, but I tried like hell to suck them back in. He stormed off to the bathroom to change as the ADs and cameramen and my makeup artist rushed over to help me up and see if I was okay.
“I’m fine. I’m fine.”
I smiled to prove it.
The cameraman looked at me carefully. “Are you sure? That was so crazy.”
My makeup artist started wiping under my eyes to get rid of my tears as the director came over.
“Hey,” he said, looking concerned. “Are you okay?”
I nodded.
“Listen, I hate to do this, I wish we could just call it, but we really need one more. Can you do that? Can you change and do one more?”
I went to the bathroom and changed into dry clothes and went back and did one more take, barely looking at James, who said nothing to me. They yelled “Cut!” and I ran to Linda’s trailer, where I burst in and dramatically sobbed as I told her everything. She was appalled and told me to call my manager and tell her what had happened. Judd and Paul weren’t on set. Gabe Sachs showed up and asked if I was okay and told me Paul was on his way. The director had called everyone. I was finished for the day and just wanted to go home. James was full of bad behavior, so why would this be treated any differently? Judd called me that night. Everyone had watched the tape. They had talked to James’s manager. They were going to talk to James. He would need to apologize to me. It was barely a slap on the wrist. But that’s how a boys’ club works. I already knew there was no sense in trying to express to Judd and Paul how humiliating it had been on set. How James continually made me uncomfortable and got away with it because of his “talent.” I knew there was only one thing for me to say.
“Okay.”
• • •
We were shooting in the school gym the following day, and James found me and said he was sorry. He said he didn’t like that Daniel was always getting hit by his girlfriend or something and he reacted badly. He told me Judd had him watch the tape and “it was pretty mean.”
And then he smiled at me and hugged me, and I don’t need to tell you this, but James is a fucking movie star. He was horrible to me, yes, but he’s also gorgeous and charming as hell. That’s where the manipulation lives. These dudes so often get away with their shitty behavior because they smile at you and stare into your eyes and for a second you’re totally transfixed and you just say, “Yeah. It’s okay. I get it. You were in the moment. I’m sorry I don’t understand. I’m sorry I’m not a better actor. I’m sorry I’m not a prettier girl. I’m sorry.” And you accept their apology and somehow end up apologizing to them.
But the Franco weirdness aside, working on the show was beyond fun. We all felt like we were a part of something really cool. We knew that what we were doing was totally different from the unrealistic teen shows every other network was putting out. I read a review of Freaks and Geeks that said som
ething to the effect of, “You won’t find any polished pretty people here. These are real kids.” I was vaguely insulted. Like, I know I didn’t look like Katie Heigl on the cover of Maxim, but I felt like I was fairly attractive. Honestly, it didn’t occur to me that I might want to lose weight now that I was on a network TV show, but Linda was on Jenny Craig and I figured maybe I needed to do it too. I liked it for about three days and then I was annoyed and wanted to just eat whatever I wanted to eat. Paul Feig found out that Linda and I were on a diet and came to talk to us about it one morning. In a very awkward conversation, he tried to tell us that we’d been hired because of what we looked like, that we were perfect the way we were, and that he wanted to make sure we didn’t feel any pressure to be thin from anyone, because that wasn’t what they wanted. We assured him that we wouldn’t get too thin. I think I quit the diet shortly after that conversation. My first diet failure.
I used to go into Linda’s trailer and hang out in the mornings. She always had the heat turned up really high, and after hair and makeup, we would lie on the floor cuddled up next to the heater and talk and wait for camera to be ready. It was on one of those mornings that Linda said something to me about Hollywood that I probably should have gotten tattooed on my arm. We were talking about how the show wasn’t a huge success even though it was critically acclaimed and how hard it is to get jobs and how much rejection there is and Linda said, “Yeah. But we all hang on because it only takes one job to change your life. It only takes one.”
I hadn’t thought of it in that way before, but hearing her say it made so much sense. It only takes one. So you keep going. Because if it’s not this one, maybe it’s the next one. Or the next one. Or the next one. And she’s right to a certain extent. But I certainly haven’t been in the ONE THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING. I haven’t even really been up for the one that changes everything. I’ve built a career slowly over time, and I’ve been lucky enough to keep working and working and working. So it’s not always the one, but fuck if we don’t all wish it would be.
This Will Only Hurt a Little Page 12
