Storytelling

by Keith Coleman

  Here are some of the most powerful elements of a good conversation.

  1. Variety – This doesn’t mean flipping from one topic to another frivolously without having deeper, more meaningful discussions about it. It simply means having an extensive topic bank to converse about. At a business networking event or social gathering, you are likely to come across people with varied backgrounds, interests, education, and competencies. You’ll have to be able to hold forth on multiple topics if you want to wow them.

  Keep abreast of the latest trends across several fields and topics. You will be able to travel effortlessly from one topic to another when people speak in a flow. If you are able to offer interesting insights and view on multiple topics, you are likely to leave a positive impact on the other person. Be an expert in your field of course but do not limit your interaction only to a certain arena, where you are an established expert. It’ll make you come across as more one-dimensional with a limited worldview.

  Smart, well-read people with a broader outlook and richer worldview are much sought after conservationists.

  2. Timing – Timing is one of the most crucial elements when it comes to having a great conversation, especially for more impromptu talks.

  You must be able to say the right thing during the right time or situation. You may want to strike a conversation with your new neighbor. However, if you see them walking towards their home soaked in the rain; you can’t say “Hey, where have you moved from? What do you do?” and so on. The timing isn’t right. During such times, it would suffice to say, “Hi there, how are you?” The timing is right for a quick ice-breaker and warming them up to you not having a long chat.

  Similarly, if a person makes eye contact frequently, he/she may want to initiate a conversation with you. For instance, if you are in a bookstore and a person is constantly looking at the books in your hand or at you, he/she may want to chat up with you about your reading preferences or ask for recommendations /suggestions. Initiate a conversation such as, “This book looks fascinating. Do you enjoy reading autobiographies?”

  Let’s say you want to have a conversation with your boss or employer about a pay hike. Can you approach him/her at a time when they are preoccupied with work or exhausted after a particularly stressful day at work? Timing is critical when it comes to having memorable, meaningful conversations.

  If a person talks about a death or personal tragedy in their family, you’ll maintain a more somber mood. You won’t take off about your promotion or celebrations. That’ll be grossly insensitive and selfish, where you don’t demonstrate concern for the other person’s feelings and emotions.

  Let’s say you want to ask your best friend for a favor and know he/she isn’t a morning person. You won’t call them first thing in the morning and ask them for something. Instead, you’ll wait until midday or early noon to put forth your request.

  3. Compliments – Compliments are one of the surest and fastest icebreakers. They instantly help the person take a liking to you. People warm up and establish a connection. It’ll also give you a base to build the conversation further. A majority of people react positively to sincere compliments. Try to stay specific, detailed and genuine while complimenting a person.

  Our expressions and other non-verbal gestures are a dead giveaway when it comes to conveying our true feelings. If your compliments are insincere and vague, the other person will immediately know it.

  Keep your compliments detailed, specific, well-thought and genuine to prevent them from coming across as plain flattery. Instead of saying something like, “that’s a lovely outfit you are wearing” say, “I love how the cuts and color of your outfit flatter your body type and skin tone.” Similarly, instead of saying, “You’ve done well with the latest project” say something like, “the latest project you submitted was very well-researched, especially the bit about the history of programming. I am impressed with your attention to details.”

  Often when we meet people for the first time and offer them compliments about their work (blog, thesis, papers, creative work and so on), we should be ready with specific compliments about some of the most striking elements of their work. For example, “I enjoyed your LinkedIn piece on how pessimism can help us become more productive and action-oriented. It was a unique and original way of looking at things, which helped me take back a few actionable points to boost my productivity.” Contrast this with, “your LinkedIn articles are really good.” The latter sounds like a more generic attempt at flattery, while the former sounds more well-thought and sincere! It demonstrates to the person that you read their articles and has your own take on it.

  A genuine compliment also sets the tempo for further conversation. For instance, in the above example, you could build a conversation about the blog topic that you are referring to, and specify points that you could relate to and more.

  If you want to make the conversation even more impactful and memorable, go a step further and ask the person for advice, suggestions, and recommendations. For example, “I follow your Tweets diligently and love your one-line reviews of new restaurants in town. Can you recommend a fuss-free café for an informal brunch with a friend?” or “I am thoroughly impressed by your presentation skills. The way you spoke about raising prices and global inflation, while addressing prospective clients is praiseworthy. Can you share some of your tips on putting together a powerful sales pitch?” See what we are doing here?

  Offering the person a specific compliment and then asking them for advice, suggestions, and recommendations based on these compliments will completely floor the person. This will set a positive momentum for the conversation.

  “I love your haircut. It is unique and flatters your face shape, do you have a preferred salon?” or “Your lunch looks creative, delicious and healthy. Did you make it? Would you mind sharing the recipe?” Ask relevant and interesting questions which build a conversation.

  Find different ways to make an individual look good. Let the conversation be about the other person and not you. Make people feel wonderful about their selves if you want to create a memorable interaction. You’ll come across as more likable and relatable if you make them feel great about themselves.

  I happen to know a wonderful lady who is the founder of one of the largest Facebook groups in the world. She is popular and much sought after as a social media influencer. Brands clamor around her for promoting their products, and she has built a tribe of encouraging and supportive women. Part of the secret of her massive success is she never fails to compliment people, appreciate talent and praise people publicly. She has earned loyalty, respect and a huge following owing to her ability to make people feel wonderful about themselves.

  4. Questions – Make your conversation a two-way process by allowing the other person and yourself equal time to talk and listen. If you go on speaking until eternity, the other person will get tired and most likely switch off. On the other hand, if you remain on the listening end, you’ll not be able to share much about yourself and end up leaving a less than effective impression on the other person. Allow the conversation to flow naturally and effortlessly by transitioning from one topic to another smoothly or building on a single topic.

  One of the best ways to accomplish this is by asking open-ended questions. If you stick to close-ended questions, the person may reply with a word or two and keep mum, thus leading to awkward silences. In place of, “It is nice and warm today, isn’t it?” say something like, “How do you plan to make the most of this nice and warm day?” The idea is to prevent your conversation from reaching a dead-end. By asking open-ended questions you are allowing the person to offer a more detailed account, which can be built upon to create more engaging and enjoyable conversations.

  Also, ask questions to demonstrate to the speaker that you’ve heard them out or clarify your understanding of what they’ve just spoken. This will make you come across as a more effective listener. For example, “I understand from what you’ve just told me that you are upset about not b
eing given due credit for the project research.” You’ll come across as a more thoughtful and sensitive listener.

  Ensure you ask intelligent, well-thought, relevant and meaningful questions over asking the obvious, which makes you come across as a dull and boring conversationalist. Being unique, original, well-informed and creative is the key. Use resourcefulness and presence of mind. Sometimes, you’ll have to borrow clues from what the other person said (which means you have to listen keenly), and ask questions based on it. Other times, you’ll have to pick cues from your immediate environment to pose a question to the other person. If you are tuned in to their actions, behavior, speech, thoughts, and ideas, you’ll never run out of questions. Just keep in mind that it’s a two-way conversation and not an interrogation. Allow the other person to ask you questions, and respond cleverly. The key is to enjoy an engaging and interesting two-way conversation.

  I know people who love asking “if you could” questions to make the conversation more exciting and unique.

  Questions offer insights and information, which you can use to take the conversation ahead. Ask purposeful and meaningful questions. Questions such as “What are career goals for the year?” Or, “What inspired you to quit your job and travel around the world?” Or, “What do you think about the latest (add trend within your industry)?”

  Some people, especially those who are low on confidence or just acquiring social skills, might be more conscious when it comes to asking these rapport building questions early. Stick to simple, general and everyday questions related to the weather, hobbies, work and so on. Get to know the person better before posing more directed and deeper and purposeful questions. Reserve these questions for when you feel more confident about the other person’s willingness to share more.

  5. Common ground – You’ll come across as more likable, identifiable and relatable if you are able to find a common link or ground for the conversation. This is especially true when you are meeting someone for the first time, and you want to leave behind a favorable first impression.

  Try to identify common threads of conversation between you and another person. This may require practice and effort. You may have to work with different personalities and types of people. It may involve asking the other person plenty of questions to identify a common ground. However, it can be worth the trouble.

  For example, you may be making an effort to establish a rapport with your new boss or potential client. You both may come from different backgrounds and have diverse interests. However, there can be that one small opening which you can identify and leap on during the course of your conversation. For instance, they may refer to a television show, a movie or a book they enjoyed reading. You may discover you have similar tastes when it comes to books, and get talking about books.

  Some topics are always safe, and if nothing else you’ll be able to relate to people based on them. For instance, everyone loves food. These are things that get a majority of people talking. Ask what their favorite food is or what they prefer eating for dinner to get the conversation rolling.

  Observing people is integral to picking clues about finding a common ground. It can be a watch they are wearing, which gives you an opportunity to say something like, “That’s a wonderful vintage watch you are wearing. Are you a fan of vintage watches as well? I have a sizeable collection of them.” When they reply in the affirmative you can further ask them about their favorite piece and exchange conversation about vintage watches. Some of the best conversationalists are brilliant observers of people and human psychology. They are quickly able to spot unique and interesting things about people and identify common grounds to build a conversation.

  “From the cut and fit of your suit, it looks like you prefer customized and tailored suits over ready to wear garments. I am a big fan of tailored suits too, where do you get your suits stitched from?” This is where your observation, compliment giving and questioning skills come into play.

  You need to be able to look at the finer nuances of people’s thoughts, ideas, appearance, clothes, personality and more, to come up with interesting and relevant conversation starters. Keen observation skills will also demonstrate to the other person that you are interested enough to listen to them or observe their actions, which is a huge plus when it comes to leaving a positive impression.

  6. Call to action – One of the most common issues that people struggle with while making a conversation is how to end it with the right impact. My secret tip for ending a conversation on an impressive and memorable note is to include a call to action.

  When I say a call to action, it may instantly up your sales antenna. “Hey, we aren’t creating a sales pitch here”, you may be mentally saying. However, ending with a call to action gives the person something to take back. It leaves the door open for future conversations and interactions. In essence, you are conveying to the person that the conversation is temporarily halted, and you’ll get back to them for more.

  At times, I’ve observed people end a dialogue or interaction on an awkward, unimpressive and stagnant note. They won’t make the other person look forward to a conversation with them in the future or leave a flattering impression. Avoid leaving the conversation awkwardly, and make it more power-packed by offering the person a clear value or call to action. It should be specific and leave the person asking for more.

  Say something like, “It was wonderful meeting you. I will keep interacting with you and would love to follow-up on the conversation we had today. Can you give me your business card?” Or, “It was lovely getting to know you, do check out the federation website I mentioned to contact influential people with your field.” Give the person something valuable and useful to take back, which will make the interaction even more memorable for them.

  7. Vivid descriptions – Vivid or detailed descriptions is what distinguishes average writers, writers, filmmakers, and other creative professionals from average to extraordinary. Doesn’t someone who says “here’s some liquid courage for you” come across as more interesting than someone who says, “Here’s some beer for you”.

  Get more creative and detailed while naming or describing things. It is my single biggest secret to holding an exceptionally good conversation. Some of the most effective communicators use creative terms instead of the boring, usual descriptions. Replace the boring with more exciting, vivid and descriptive terms that paint a picture of what you are trying to communicate.

  Advertisers and mass communicators understand the power of creating visual imagery through their words and phrases. It is the quickest way to play on a person’s emotions. Listeners almost always take to visual imagery and emotion-laden words. For example, instead of “it is so cold here” you can say something like, “My fingers are so frozen and numb, I can barely feel anything with them.” In essence, you are conveying the same idea (it’s very cold). However, the manner in which you are expressing it creates a difference in the impact.

  Similarly, instead of saying “I burnt the pizza” you can say something more vivid, funny and interesting like, “I just burnt 700 calories in 10 minutes” or instead of saying “that’s a massive pizza” you can say something like, “That’s a heart attack lying on a dish” or “I am so stressed, I could do with a coffee”, you can say, “I am dead tired, and need a chilled, decaf, whipped cream coffee.” Do you get the drift?

  It’s expressing the usual ideas with a more unique and interesting touch using wordplay and creative expressions. Be more detailed and vivid while holding conversations. You’ll come across as more expressive and persuasive.

  Create comparisons and contrasts to make the conversation more exciting. For example, someone asks you, “How was your Paris trip?” You can reply with, “It was enjoyable” or you could say something like, “It was amazing because I didn’t manage to trip and fall even once during my walks there, which in my own standards are rare and commendable.”

  The person will have no choice but to laugh. People enjoy listening to contrasts. It add
s a twist to the conversation to make it more interesting. Mention an exception to create contrast, add clarity and include an unusual dimension to the interaction.

  Notice how several television and radio personalities play with contrast to make their pitch even more interesting. They will seldom say anything like, “I think he’s an exceptional dancer.” Instead, they’ll be likelier to say, “I think he’s an amazing dancer. I am not saying he’s Michael Jackson, but he has some really cool and classy moves. That’s how they keep their listeners/viewers hooked and enthralled.

  Similarly, a person may use comparisons to their advantage. “She’s drop-dead gorgeous, probably the peak of gorgeousness, even more than the Kim Kardashian brand of gorgeousness.” And we all know it doesn’t get bigger than that, does it? You are taking your listener through a roller-coaster ride using comparisons and contrasts.

  8. Nonverbal communication – Most communication experts agree that non-verbal communication is even more impactful and important when it comes to interacting with people than verbal communication. This is simply because it works at a deeper, subconscious level. Psychologists and master communicators have concluded that most people are drawn to folks who have energy and punch in their voice. Use your voice to your advantage for conveying the right ideas and expressions.

  If you fill every word you utter with energy, everything sounds the same. The listener will not be able to differentiate between important and less than important points. Don’t speak in a staccato-like monotone. Some things are as unappealing as a flat voice with zero expression or emotion.

  Vary your tone to make it more impactful and energetic. Try to focus and emphasize crucial words. Use the power of silence to let the impact of what you said sink in. Give the other person time to process and comprehend the importance of what you just said. Vary your tone and volume to create a roller coaster effect with your voice, taking the listener through the highs and lows of the conversation. You aren’t taking them on a boring ride. There are dips and highs coloring the conversation to make it more interesting.