“You’re very hard to get rid of,” I said. My voice came out a tortured whisper. I needed something to drink. I pushed myself over, got the water next to my bed, and drank through the straw.
While I drank, she walked to the sink, picked something up, and returned. It was my toothbrush. She put toothpaste on it, handed it to me and said, “Brush.”
When I finished, I handed it back to her and she rinsed it at the sink. She came back to the bed, leaned over, and kissed me full on the lips. I responded by trying to turn aside but she took my face and held it firmly and then kissed me again.
I did not pull back.
“Don’t ever pull that pity-party on me again,” she warned. “I want to be with you—nobody else! I made that choice and it was my choice. I’m not going to change my mind because you get scared and lash out.” Her eyes bored into mine. Her jaw worked. There was no fighting her resolve. The kiss earlier had steel behind it.
“Lindsey…” My eyes sprang fountains of hot tears that spilled onto my cheeks and pillow. “…will you forgive me?”
The fear left her eyes. She leaned down and kissed me on the lips. “I already forgave you,” she said. Then she pulled the chair next to the bed. The clock on the wall clicked and our eyes went to it—11:30 p.m. She put her head on the mattress and put her arm over my stomach. I stroked her arm. The soft skin with nearly transparent hair belied the fierce competitor who, once she loved someone, never quit.
A rush of emotion brought fresh tears to my eyes. I knew I needed her. She was my courage, my strength, my support. The obstacles…well, they had not met Lindsey, had they? I needed this girl…this woman. I depended on her courage—for my courage. I believed in her more than I believed in myself. I would have given up if she had gone away for good. Without her, I would sit in my little upstairs room watching the grass grow in the yard until I died a bitter and angry man.
“What did you do after you left the room?” I asked.
She stroked my face. I felt her breath on my wet cheeks. “I went down to the chapel. I didn’t know it was there until I stumbled onto it. I knelt down at the prayer place and I said that I wasn’t going to accept what you told me. I stayed there for a long time and then I decided to come back up here and give you a piece of my mind.”
“I’m glad you did,” I said with a grin.
She put her head down on the wet pillow. “Yuck, Jimmy!” She got up, went to the drawers in the dresser against the wall, and found a spare pillow. She switched the pillows out and then settled her head on the dry one. Her hand found my face and she played with my mouth and nose. When her hand fell slack against my mouth, I kissed it.
“I will marry you some day,” I said softly. But she was asleep.
The doctor released me the next afternoon. I was ready to go when the sun came up and so the morning dragged endlessly. My parents came in early and my dad went on to work after he visited for a few minutes. Lindsey went home with her parents at 10:00 a.m. even though she did not want to.
Mom drove me home. She was extremely solicitous, reminding me of the days when she carried an enormous load of guilt. I looked over at her after her fifth look of concern in my direction. “I told Lindsey to go away last night,” I admitted to my mom.
She did not respond.
“After I yelled at her to go, she gathered her things and walked to the door. It killed me when she turned her back on me and walked away. I thought I was going to die.” The car lurched as mom braked with traffic. She was studying the road so I continued. “When I woke up later, she was standing there, looking at me.” I decided not to tell her about the kiss.
“She’s tough,” mom said.
I shook my head in agreement. Mom meant it in a nice way. She loved Lindsey from the moment Lindsey refused to give up on me that day in my room. “She chewed my head off and told me never to do anything stupid like that again!”
My mom burst out laughing. When she glanced at me though, I saw tears brimming. She looked at the road.
“When I saw her standing by my bed, it was the best feeling in the world, mom.”
Again, my mom glanced at me but said nothing. Her eyes still glittered with moisture.
“I don’t understand anything, anymore.” I looked out the window. “Why is this happening to me?”
“It’s not just happening to you,” my mom said quietly. “It’s happening to all of us who love you.”
“That’s what scares me the most, mom. I don’t want to drag Lindsey and you and dad…” I stopped talking. My mom glanced at me with questions that she did not ask.
“I’m trying to say that I thought about this last night. It’s not fair what happened—no, I don’t mean it should have been someone else—I’m just saying, I don’t want to drag Lindsey down if something else happens.”
The car splashed through a puddle. I noticed that everything was wet. It must have rained. She looked at me. “There is this strange fact about life,” mom said slowly. “We don’t really know how happy we are until something happens to take that happiness away.” She signaled a turn and made it before continuing. “And, it’s funny how important the little things are, when the big things are not that good.” She shook her head. “I just have to tell you, Jimmy, that you’ve started to focus on what’s really important in life—and you—no, we—rarely did that before. It is as if we did not know what was important…” her words trailed off.
I listened as the tires squished on the wet pavement. The world was upside down. I felt good and bad all at the same time. I chewed my bottom lip. “Last night all I could think about was that I would drag everyone down with me. I would ruin Lindsey’s life because instead of liking each other, what if…” I could not complete the sentence aloud. What if we fell in love and something happened to me! I looked at my mom in anguish, “I guess I’m scared that I’m going to ruin Lindsey’s life!”
Mom continued to drive, keeping her eyes on the road. A moment later, she reached over and took my hand briefly. “Lindsey saved your life, Jimmy,” she said. The doctor said if the ambulance had gotten there even a minute later, the clot might have…” she blinked tears away.
“I know.” I needed to lighten the mood a little. “I’m a little embarrassed by the whole thing.”
Mom smiled. She touched my hand again. “She’s a wonderful girl, Jimmy.”
I knew my mom thought the world of her. What I did not know was how she would react if I told her what Lindsey said to me last night. How could I ever tell her about the kiss? That was tearing me apart. Anguished, I looked at her. The confession spilled out, “Mom, she told me she loves me.”
I expected her to gasp or something. Instead, mom glanced at me tenderly. “How do you feel about her?”
There it was. Did I love her? I suspected that I did. I looked at my mom’s eyes. “When she walked away from me last night, I felt undone. The only thing I had left was bitterness. It was more than a friend leaving. My heart was walking out of that room. I was so relieved when I woke up and she was there!”
Mom did not reply.
“She’s fourteen. I’m eighteen. Everyone in the world will see that as weird!”
Mom turned the car into our driveway. I saw Lindsey at her bedroom window and then she was gone. I looked at my mom, “Is it okay if I love her, mom?”
“Is it okay with me and your dad? Or is it the right thing to do?” The garage door was opening in response to the car remote.
“Both, I guess.”
“I’m not talking about sex, Jimmy,” she said as she put the car in park and turned off the engine. “But love, real love, yes; it is okay.” Unshed tears glittered in her eyes as she rested her arms on the steering wheel and looked at me. “You’re a different person when Lindsey is around, Jimmy. You are a better person in every way. Your dad and I love her because of the impact she has had on you.”
“Thanks mom,” I said. I reached over and hugged her neck. Mom kissed my cheek.
Lindsey did not
come over until after supper. I wondered why. After the conversation with my mom, I went to my room and thought about my feelings. Somewhere in the middle of that thinking session, I admitted that mom was right. I was a better person now than I had been before the accident. I did not want to throw away what Lindsey had given me and just in case the little bombs floating around in my blood stream took me tomorrow, I knew I had to tell her today how I felt. It seemed as though I had nothing to give her but pain and worry in the future. But, if she wasn’t just being stubborn or naïve, then I would give her everything I had until the end. It was true: I loved her.
Lindsey brought dessert. She had napped and then made my favorite dessert out of ice cream, cake and blueberries. She timed her arrival perfectly—so perfectly that I suspected collusion—to coincide with the end of supper. When she walked in the door, my heart flipped with the secret knowledge of my love for her.
The Andersons arrived moments later and sat down at the table to eat dessert with us. My mom had arranged it! It was a homecoming celebration and, it turned out that Lindsey did not know, it was also a celebration of her saving my life. Mom and dad opened a bottle of champaign and poured everyone a glass. Lindsey got a little and mom gave me half a glass. Then she stood up.
“Thank God for Jimmy’s return home,” she said holding the toast in the air. “And thank God for a wonderful girl who knows what to do and saved our Jimmy’s life!” Everyone clinked glasses and mom hugged Lindsey and shed a few happy tears. When she stepped back, she leaned down and kissed Lindsey on the cheek. “We love you,” she said.
Lindsey’s face lit up. To cover her embarrassment and pride she drank the champaign too quickly, burped, and then sneezed. Everyone laughed, including Lindsey.
When the discussion at the table turned to other matters, I invited Lindsey to accompany me to my room. Mom gave me a special look as I rolled past her and I knew she was solidly on my side. I could not remember feeling as good about relationships and myself as I did at that moment. Mom knew I was going to open my heart up to Lindsey and she approved. Lindsey did not know and the anticipation filled me with happiness.
I was silent in the elevator. Mom was right. I never gave a single thought to my relationships before the accident—no, that wasn’t true—before Lindsey. She enjoyed life as it came—good and bad, it seemed. Her nearness in the small elevator nearly overwhelmed me. I wanted to pull her onto my lap and press my face against her cheek. The urge stayed with me as the elevator door opened and she stepped away from me. Her scent filled the air. I followed it and her into my room.
Alone with Lindsey in my room, things were so different. I had been alone with her a thousand times, but I never felt this nervous. Love was weird. I should have felt confident, strong, and happy; but I was nervous and sweaty and my hands trembled. I wheeled over to the card table where we first challenged each other and put my elbows on it. I could not think of how to start. Lindsey sat across the table from me and looked at me wondering why I had invited her to my room. I never invited her before. She just assumed that the invitation was always open. Now she sat across from me and seemed as nervous as I felt.
“I should have brought some cokes up,” I said trying to cover up my lack of courage.
“I’ll go get some,” Lindsey offered. She even started to get up.
“No, wait,” I said. I reached over and took her hand. She looked so pretty tonight. She had fixed her hair. Instead of the usual ponytail, it hung long and straight just past her shoulder blades. Her blouse was new and her jeans were too. It registered on my conscious mind that she’d dressed up for the occasion. I was happy to note that she had kicked off her shoes and socks the minute she arrived in my room. They sat jumbled together by the door: little white bobby socks on new blue tennis shoes.
She sat back down and looked at me. It was time. I could not put it off any longer. I had called this and had to go through with it. My mouth was dry. “I have a lot to tell you, Lindsey,” I said slowly. “Please let me get through it without comment.”
“On one condition,” she said, her smile tense but bright. “You don’t tell me that it’s over and you don’t sound like you are giving up. Otherwise I’m going to kick and scream and holler until our parents come up to see why you are killing me!”
I grinned at the easy way she lightened the mood and made her point. She also made it possible for me to get started with no more hemming and hawing. She sobered and nodded. I had never seen her so beautiful. Something had changed in her while I was in the hospital. She had grown into a woman. I took a deep breath. “You told me at least three times in the past that you are going to marry me and that you love me.” I looked at her for confirmation but she just waited for whatever shoe I was going to drop. She was steady, unblinking as she studied me. The only evidence that she was listening was the sudden narrowing of pupils in those brown eyes. I took another deep breath. Gee! This was hard to say. “I got scared when I woke up in the hospital. I got scared that I would die—that I could die—or worse, be robbed of my ability to think. That is what made me tell you to go away, Lindsey. It wasn’t because I don’t have feelings for you.”
She smiled; a bright quick smile that flitted across her features and softened the worry lines in her face. She had been worried about what I would say! Her whole posture relaxed.
I stumbled on, “The age difference is a problem for me. Nobody would believe that we could like…each other—like that—because we’re so far apart in age.”
She nodded that she understood completely. I could see the tension lines returning to her face. She began to think that she knew where this was headed. “You always want the truth, Lindsey. I think you’re right about that. We can deal with the truth, right?”
She did not nod she just waited.
“So I’m going to tell you exactly what I think, not for your approval—although I desire that above anyone else’s—but so that you won’t have any false notions about me.” I looked at her and she looked back; steady and braced for whatever was coming. “And so you can tell me if I’m stupid.” I grinned nervously as I realized I might be presuming way too much about her thoughts.
“It was the hardest thing for me to tell you to go away. It was the worst thing I could have done to you, Lindsey. The worst thing. But you walked away, not just because you were hurt but because you always put everyone else first. After you left I realized that was what you were doing—putting me first. I was wrong, Lindsey. I wanted to shout for you to come back.” I looked at my hands; twisted them together. “I was so relieved when I woke up and you were standing there! Until that moment, Lindsey, I thought I just liked you a lot. I’m not as smart as you. I didn’t know that I loved you until that moment.
“After you fell asleep, Lindsey, I said something to you that I want you to hear now that you are awake.” She gazed at me. Her eyes did not blink but I saw moisture in them as I waited for my heart to stop pounding and my throat to clear. “I said I loved you—and I do.”
When I looked into her eyes, they were wet with tears. My cheeks were wet. The Kleenex box was a million miles away. To retrieve it I had to let go of her hands and I could not bear to do that. We both needed it. I finally let go, wheeled over to it, and used the occasion to go around the table. Do you know how awkward it is to hug someone in a wheelchair? It is just easier to hold hands and look into each other’s faces. Still, Lindsey did something that was just as good. She leaned over and put her head on my shoulder. Her brown hair fell in front of my chest. I reached as far as I could around her shoulders and rested my head against hers.
She did not lift her head when she spoke. “Do you know why I didn’t give up on you?”
“I would really like to know,” I responded.
Her hand came up to my hand and her fingers intertwined in mine. “I spent most of my life being afraid of my dad. He was so hard and bitter. He did not know how to treat me. I wondered why he hated me. My mom tried to explain to me why he was like that
but I did not understand. It had something to do with how grandpa treated him. My dad drank a lot and mom and I always hid when he got drunk. He never really hurt me on the outside, but I was constantly scared of him. I went to bed in tears too many nights.” She took a deep breath. “Finally, when I was eight years old, just after my birthday, my dad heard me crying. He came into my room and sat on my bed. I was so afraid of him that I was shaking. I remember that night because of what my dad did.”
Lindsey’s fingers tightened around mine. “He wasn’t drunk. He took my hand and I was so scared that I grew tense and that is when he broke down and cried. He said to me, ‘Lindsey, from the day you were born I wanted to be a good papa. I did not want you to be afraid of me like I was afraid of my papa. But you are, aren’t you?’ The anguish in his voice was real. I could only nod yes, because it was true. Then he knelt beside the bed and put his arms around me. ‘Lindsey, please forgive me,’ he said. He was crying so hard! ‘I love you more than you could know.’”
Lindsey reached for the Kleenex and dabbed at her eyes. “We talked for a long time that night. He put his arms around me and held me until I knew he really did love me. Something happened that night, Jimmy. I told him how scared I was and he told me how scared he was all the time too. I began to see that he was a real person. I also saw that he loved me.
“But I was still afraid of him and finally one night I told him that he scared me. He sat down again and said, ‘Maybe we can have a secret saying that you say to me when you are afraid.’ When we finally came up with one, it made us both laugh. Do you want to know it?”
I nodded. I could feel the trembling in her shoulders subsiding. “You won’t think it’s silly?”
I shook my head.
She smiled, showing teeth that had grown closer together and straighter. Lindsey giggled as she said the phrase, “‘O’Reilly’s rabid rabbits are raging tonight.’”
The Orchid Page 8
