KRAKEN: Oppaboffian. Vast, squid-like sea monsters. One of the very few creatures to whom the Infirmary is obliged to send a team of doctors to treat it, usually to remove barnacles. A kraken seldom pays its hospital bill, and collection efforts often fail.
LESSER PERDELIDS: Donbalese. Graceful, playful winged creature resembling a dove crossed with a paper airplane. Lives exclusively in Middlespace. Once used as a messenger. Greater Perdelids are long extinct; there are two Middling Perdelids in captivity, but they refuse to mate.
LOYOY: Donbalese. A duck-like creature cultivated for food on the Infirmary’s farm floors. When properly prepared, a superior delicacy; when overcooked, a bit like a chew toy.
MANTLE RAT: Donbalese. An almost mythically hideous creature not unlike a miniature black bear with long, spidery legs. Scurries around the catacombs and the basement eating whatever it sees, including the outstretched limbs of sleeping prisoners. Well-dressed, reportedly telepathic, and lives to a great old age.
OGRE: Oppaboffian. Well-known creature-eating monster, very large, obliged to take special elevators and live on custom-built, dedicated wards. Smelly; malingering.
OUPHE: Oppaboffian. An elfin changeling forever suffering from treatment-resistant despair. Often volunteers to road test new psychiatric medicines. Excels at video games.
PIXIE: Oppaboffian. Archenemy of the fairy. Benign, likable beast often admitted to the Infirmary in groups of several hundred, all having come down with the same infirmity at the same time, usually botulism or lice.
POLTERGEIST: Oppaboffian. A noisy ghost, sometimes without form. Insufferable as a patient or employee ever since the species rose to fame in a 1982 film. Usually admitted for trifocal fittings.
QUERQUETULANA: Oppaboffian. Oak-grove tree nymph. Fleet and retiring. Rare. Often suffers from extreme homesickness while in the Infirmary.
REVENANT: Oppaboffian. Humanoid related to the zombie, but usually not so messed up. Occasionally seen in the Infirmary’s catacombs and crawling between floors. Obstinate, at war with reason, but susceptible to hypnotic control.
SHELLYCOAT: Oppaboffian. Aquamarine bogeyman. Often admitted for severe water on the ear, hypothermia, the bends. Generally guileless and dim. Fine swimmer. Reputedly talented at parlor games, but has no social skills and is resistant to psychotherapy.
SOWLTH: Oppaboffian. Specter. Plagued by cataracts and poor night vision. Often has imaginary friends. Rare.
SUPERHERO: Oppaboffian. Class of beings, mostly humanoid, elevated to a higher plane of existence by virtue of superior intelligence, an extra power, sense, or ability. Often in costume, generally in startlingly good shape. Ailments are myriad. Frequently treated as celebrities while at Saint Philomene’s.
TEPESETTE: Donbalese. Delicate creature with gastrointestinal issues and at high risk of brain fulse, a terminal condition characterized by small cerebral mushrooms. Skilled at small talk, but cannot discuss deeper issues.
THROPINESE: Donbalese. Horrible creature not unlike a dog-sized beetle dressed for aerobics. Hyperactive mucosal glands. Flatterer. Rather simple. Females of the species are extremely rare; in desperation males will woo females of other species. Loves parties.
UNMAN: Donbalese. Magical creature resembling a mouse skeleton. Lives in symbosis with an Oppaboffian algae. Susceptible to kenicki-quithers, a fatal syndrome involving shrinkage of the hindquarters.
VAMPIRE: Oppaboffian. Very common humanoid bloodsucker. Lives a long time, but has a delicate subconscious, and is generally admitted to the Infirmary for long-term psychoanalysis. A troublemaker; sleepy.
VIZARD: Oppaboffian. An ordinary specter. Not seen in Donbaloh for half a millennium, though there is one pickled in formaldehyde in the Thousandth-Floor Museum.
VYRNDEET: Donbalese. Smelly, comically structured beast nearly ten feet tall. Employed in menial positions at the Infirmary. Suffers from chronic fatigue and sociopathy. Smells like low tide.
WEREWOLF: Oppaboffian. Nocturnal lupine-human ravager of innocents. Generally not permitted in Donbaloh, but exceptions are made for the terminally ill.
WIZARD: Oppaboffian. Humanoid seer and magician. Not as immortal as it thinks it is. Usually admitted to the Infirmary for sleep disorders. Wizened, grouchy, and particularly dangerous on the squash court.
WREAU: Donbalese. Well-respected, five-foot-tall creature not unlike a shaved meerkat. An impeccable dresser, clever, and has a penchant for the stage. Particularly agile representatives of the species are often chosen as cheerleaders for various sporting contests. Long-lived, but an endangered species.
ZOMBIE: Oppaboffian. An animated human corpse, the only version of a human permitted in Donbaloh. Usually admitted for cosmetic surgery, though some are employed as baristas. Slow and ill-spoken. Often seen with its arms sticking out.
AN ACKNOWLEDGMENT
The moves in Chance and Ypocrasyne’s chess match follow those in a game between Czech grandmaster David Navara (FIDE 2728) and master Jan Helbich Sr. (FIDE 2136) at the Energy Cup Tournament in 1998: 1. e4 c5 2. Nf3 d6 3. d4 cd4 4. Nd4 Nf6 5. Nc3 a6 6. Bg5 e6 7. f4 Be7 8. Qf3 Qc7 9. O-O-O Nbd7 10. Bd3 b5 11. Rhe1 Bb7 12. Qg3 b4 13. Nd5 ed5 14. e5 de5 15. fe5 Nh5 16. e6 Ng3 17. ef7 Kf7 18. Re7 Kg8 19. hg3 Qg3 20. Ne6 Qe5 21. Rf1 Nf8 22. Bf5 Bc8 23. Re8 Bb7 24. Bg6 Qf6 25. Bf6 gf6 26. Rf6 Re8 27. Bf7#
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I am deeply grateful for the support and cheerleading of the following people: Sam Anderson-Ramos, Rebecca Beegle, Wayne Alan Brenner, R. J. Casey, Marcio Coello, Pamela Colloff, Cathy Cotter, Bob Cotter, Albert Cotton, Betty Cotton, Karen Davidson, Kay Davis, Ron DeGroot, Brian Dempsey, Melissa Dempsey, Rob Duncan, Adam Eaglin, Joe Etherton, Karen Etherton, Jennifer Fahrenbacher, Billy Fatzinger, Pansy Flick, Elliott Flick, Laura Godwin, Nancy Gore, Gaylon Greer, Keith Harmon, Bill Hartman, Marilyn Hartman, Anna Margaret Hollyman, Helen Hollyman, Christine Horn, Ian Jackson, Jackie Kelly, Sara Kocek, Annie La Ganga, Maria La Ganga, Michael Laird, Robert Melton, Delaine Mueller, Stacy Muszynski, Carly Nelson, John Norris, Lenka Norris, Kim Kronzer O’Brien, Becka Oliver, Krissy Olson, Diane Owens, Mary Jo Pehl, Bryan Sansone, Julia Sooy, Marilyn Vaché, and REYoung.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
W. Stone Cotter is a new talent in middle-grade fiction. He has previously published his essays and short fiction in The Believer, Lucky Peach, The Paris Review, McSweeney’s Quarterly, and The New York Times, and in 2013, he was a recipient of the Pushcart Prize. He lives in Austin, Texas. You can sign up for email updates here.
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CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Appendix
An Acknowledgment
Acknowledgments
About the Author
&n
bsp; Copyright
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Text copyright © 2018 by Bill Cotter.
Illustrations copyright © 2018 by Red Nose Studio.
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2017945047
ISBN 978-1-62779-257-8 (hardcover)
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First edition, 2018
eISBN 9781627792585
Saint Philomene's Infirmary for Magical Creatures Page 18
