by Cat Porter
“Celebrate.” He uttered the word like it was a new flavor and he liked how it tasted.
“Yes, celebrate. So every time you discover a new tat on me, know it’s our celebration, a new song I’ve written calling out to you.” My face heated. “They may have used me for a few years there, but my body is mine and I want to make it beautiful again—”
“You are beautiful.”
“But on my own terms, my choice.”
He raised my chin in his hand and kissed me. A hungry kiss. A sweet kiss. I sat up and slid into his lap, straddling him. He held me close, the two of us breathing against each other’s skin.
I slid my forehead against his. “I bet most of your bros have old ladies now, right? I’m sure they’re expecting you to bring one home too.”
His hand went to a breast, his thumb stroking a nipple barbell. “I don’t give a shit what anyone expects.”
“You give a shit about your president, though. And you should.”
“I do.” He pressed his lips together.
“I wish I could get on the back of your bike and go to Nebraska and stroll into your clubhouse with you, but I can’t. I’m sure they’re suspicious already. It’s been months of you not bringing anyone around or screwing around. You disappearing whenever you can.”
“They know that’s me. That I keep mostly to myself. That’s how shit’s been for me since I got out from under the Guns. They get it.”
“They may get it, Finger, but I guarantee they don’t trust it. You’ve got them curious. And now with Med accusing you in front of everybody? Maybe that curiosity will change to outright suspicion. It’s only a matter of time until they dig a little deeper and find us together. They’ll find something.”
His one hand fisted in my hair and pulled. He glared at me. Confusion. Irritation. “What the hell are you trying to say? What are we supposed to do? Give up?”
“Not give up, but maybe—”
“No.”
“No?”
“NO!” he exploded. “No fucking way. I’m not giving you up for anyone or anything.” His voice thundered. “Not even for you!” His dark eyes were fierce. “Why are you talking like this? You giving in?”
“I’m not giving in. I’m being smart.” I gulped in air. “It’s just...not good.”
“What? The situation?” He released his hold on my hair. “Of course it’s not good.”
“It’s just so damned difficult.”
“Difficult? Is that what’s climbed up your ass? Difficult? Everything is difficult in this life. Every fucking thing.”
I touched the hard edge of his jaw. “I feel like we have some sort of expiration date hanging over us. And we keep managing to push it back a little here and a little bit there, but how long can that last?”
“Serena—”
My fingertips brushed his lips. “We’ve killed people to be together,” I whispered.
He snatched at my hand, crushing it in his. “We’re surviving.”
My fingers throbbed in his steel grip. Surviving. Agony was entwined in that word, and a desperation that I knew so well. I’d been surviving for a long, long time. But now, with Justin, it was another kind of pact, a better, richer promise. And suddenly, there was more at stake.
“How many more victims will have to pay the price for our survival?” My fingers curled around his. “There will be more, you know there will be. I’m always looking over my shoulder.”
“You’ll always have to. Unless maybe you move to some shack in Greenland. Is that what you want to do?”
“Why not?”
He released my hand. The skin was red.
“But you couldn’t go,” I said. “You’re a Flame. A Flame through and through.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No, it’s not. But what we’re doing to survive is at odds with your life as a Flame. One day, things will get out of hand, and then what? How much more brotherhood are you going to have to sacrifice in the name of us? You’re heading for a crucifixion by your own hand.”
“I was already crucified,” spilled from his lips. “With you I got my resurrection.”
I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close, my heart galloping in my chest.
He whispered roughly, “Don’t talk like this. I don’t know who I am without you.”
“Maybe you should find out.”
The side of his scarred face stroked my cheek. He planted a kiss on my neck. “I love you, baby. I need to love you.”
Those three words. Simple, complicated, glorious, insane. I breathed them in. They’d never been given to me before. Not like this, not ever. I kissed him. A delicate, gentle kiss, sealing the vow between us.
“What I feel for you is bigger and deeper than some tagline I’ve always heard thrown around,” he said. “I can’t define it, and I don’t need to. These feelings I got for you aren’t just a part of me or one piece I got stashed inside. They are me.”
My heart squeezed in my chest, my mouth dried. Yes. Yes. Yes. It’s the same for me. “I love you too.”
He swallowed hard, his gaze focusing on my mouth, his hands rubbing the back of my neck. I pressed a hand over his chest where his heart beat hard and strong. I was safe there. I was on a beautiful adventure there.
His eyes brightened. “I liked hearing you say that.”
“Good.”
“I told my bros that I got a woman out of state, and they’re good with that,” he said, his voice lower. “And in case you’re wondering, the whores know it too.”
I ground my hips against his thigh, a small smile tugging on my lips. “I trust you.”
He slid a hand down my ass and pulled me against his erection, and I let out a gasp at the precise friction. “You’re going to be meeting college boys now, artsy-fartsy pretentious fuckers who are gonna try to get inside your panties.”
“So not interested. I’ve got the finest man ever, and he gives me everything I need. Everything I’ve ever wanted.”
He licked at my lips and they parted for him. He took my mouth, and I took his, our tongues greedy for one another. His thumb swept the side of my face. “I don’t want you worrying about this shit. I told the guys my woman’s got family problems, a sick dad with terminal cancer and she’s taking care of him and can’t leave home right now.”
Funny. I’d never pretended about having my dad in my life. Once he’d left, I’d shut him out. Was he still alive? Was he healthy, enjoying the good life with his new family, playing golf on the weekends in some fancy suburb and taking them on vacations? I’d never know, and I’d trained myself long ago not to care.
I swept the hair back from Finger’s face. He always kept it in his face, like he was hiding. I wanted to see him. My fingertips traced around those hard, dark eyes, the long, lean nose, rigid jaw, scarred, hollowed cheeks, dimpled chin.
“So many lies,” I said. “Always lies. You think we’ll ever be able to tell the truth?”
“As long as we never lie to each other, that’s all that matters. That’s what keeps this sweet,” he whispered hoarsely as his thumb swirled over my center. I rocked my hips to meet his steady, slick rhythm. “Yeah, so fucking sweet.”
He held my gaze, his eyes shining as the pleasure washed over me, sweeping me away with him into that spiraling current.
“You want a house one day? A kid?” he whispered. “Tell me what you want.”
“Yes, our house. Our baby.” I grinned. “Me baking brownies and you teaching him—”
“Or her.”
“Or her how to ride a bicycle in the yard.” I let out a laugh at my all-American cliché dream. But it was true.
“What a nice dream.” He stroked faster, his hips thrusting against mine. “I love you, Serena. That’s no dream. It’s real. You’re keeping that safe for me, aren’t you?” he breathed
. “You have to. I need to know you are. That’s what keeps me sane.”
Being on the pill was the best. I pushed his hand away and guided his bare cock inside me. His loud gasp made my insides flutter.
I rocked into him. “Me too, baby. Every day.”
21
I parked my bike and hunted for a pay phone.
Over three months had gone by since I’d seen her, touched her. We both had cell phones now, frequently switching out numbers and cards. I used burners as well, but again, couldn’t take chances, so I used pay phones when I could. Since we’d last seen each other, she’d started school and loved it.
Today would be another visit to the flophouse. I called Serena and gave her the code for the time and place.
She’d only laughed.
My heart lurched at the sound of that laugh. Any other woman might have complained, bitched, and moaned. Not my woman. She was grateful for anything we managed to get.
“I’m bringing my own clean sheets this time,” she said.
Taking precautions got old, but we were used to it now. The risk still hung over us, clawed at us. You never knew what the fuck might find you around the corner. Med and his crew were on the move, and he was as unpredictable as ever, instigating aggression and negativity with the Flames, truce or no truce.
I was in Chicago on business this time, a scouting mission on the Smoking Guns’ relationship with a crime family. We knew they had ties, but National decided they wanted more specific intel. I had volunteered for the job, figuring I could slip in some time with my woman, plus I had a contact in Chicago who I’d put on the case. I couldn’t do much inconspicuous legwork with my scars.
The Smoking Guns had first raised their level of notoriety and cash flow in the eighties by being the errand boys for the Tantucci family. Once they made a name for themselves, they separated themselves from obvious ties with Italian mafia and worked hard to make their reputation seem more “road outlaw.” They weren’t the purebred motorcycle club they pretended to be. Not like us.
My buddy Rhys, one of my few friends from high school in Missouri, was acting as my scout. I’d found him by chance on my last visit to Chicago, spotting him in a park strung out on drugs the VA had shoved in his hand before kicking his ass out. Rhys was former Special Forces, three tours of duty. After his years of service, he’d been living in his car and on the streets.
I’d given Rhys a chance by offering him a small job, a delivery. He’d come through on his first go round, and I’d paid him all the money I’d gotten for it. With me, he got straight and got busy, and I trusted him. I’d offered him a job as a freelancer and kept his existence a secret.
We were going to meet late tonight so he could tell me what he found out. He’d been following the Sergeant at Arms of the local Guns chapter the past month as well as two Tantucci foot soldiers.
Since I’d gotten into Chicago early and got my shit done, I had time to check out a man from another Chicago family before I met up with Serena. She still hung out with Ciara, but I’d insisted she didn’t get too comfy with her and definitely kept away from Turo. She promised she’d avoid him and not spend so much time with Ciara anymore.
I wanted to see him for myself.
I found Turo by finding Ciara. The two of them had lunch at a French restaurant, then they strolled up Oak Street where he waited for her outside a shoe store, smoking some fancy short, thin cigar. He was average height, sported wavy reddish-blond hair he put effort into slicking back with shiny gel, a smooth shaved face, and light colored eyes. He wore an overcoat that hung on his wide shoulders, a slim-fitting suit and a perfectly tied tie, a small knot smack at the base of his long throat, and a starched collar so stiff any momma would approve of. I’d bet his fingernails were professionally manicured.
He put a gloved hand on Ciara’s chin and dropped a quick kiss on her lips then opened a taxi door for her. She pouted, he ignored it and shut the car door and walked off on his own.
Trashing the remaining Italian beef sandwich with sweet peppers I’d gotten a few streets back, I brushed my hands together to be rid of the crumbs and grease and headed uptown to the shit neighborhood where I was meeting Serena.
I finally got to the hotel with ten minutes to spare. We’d meet in the lobby, in a phone booth at the back. I jumped the stairs two at a time, heat flaring through me. What would she be wearing? What color would her hair be? Would she have any new tattoos I could lick?
“Dude! Finger, that you?”
My heart froze mid-beat. I swiveled on the stairs. Skid. A Flame from Ohio. A skinhead disciple of Reich’s white supremacist ways.
“What’s up, man?” Skid jogged up the stairs and slapped my shoulder with his hand. “What are you doing out here from the boonies?”
“On an assignment.”
He cast a look at the entrance to the small hotel where three backpackers stood looking at a map. “What the hell you doing here?” He nudged me with an elbow. “Gay boys come here, man.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Fuck yeah. Ain’t you staying at the club over on—”
“I just got in, been working most of the afternoon. I needed to take a leak, figured I’d find a john I could use in here.”
“Better watch your back while you’re taking a piss, man.” He let out a loud, obnoxious laugh.
I forced my mouth to curl up into a tight grin.
“But you know Chicago real well, don’t you?” he asked, his eyes hanging on mine.
“What do you mean?” I tugged on my jacket collar.
“I heard you come out this way a lot.”
“You heard?”
“Yeah, Reich mentioned it. You know, I got a brother-in-law here at the Chicago chapter. He hasn’t seen you around any, though.”
A prickle tracked up my spine. I didn’t usually poke my head in to the local chapters whenever I was in town, but Reich was keeping tabs on me? Of course he was.
I shrugged. “I’m in, I’m out, off and on.”
“Right.”
I held his gaze straight on. “What are you doing out this way?”
“Organizing a rally here,” Skid said. “We’re coming this way just before winter hits hard. Last run of the season for us.” He rubbed a hand over his buzzed head.
“Cool.”
“Gonna be a real good time. I’m heading over there now for some drinks and food.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Come with me.”
How was I going to get out of this now? I wasn’t. I fucking wasn’t. I couldn’t. Skid would be reporting back to Reich, and I couldn’t take any chances.
I shifted my weight and out of the corner of my eye I saw her. Striding up to the hotel, walking fast, holding a purple jacket close together against the cold wind. Large cat-eyed sunglasses over her face, a short red wig, or was it her own hair, I didn’t fucking know. That old corduroy carpet bag on her shoulder. She took me in and smoothly slowed down her pace. She took out her cell phone from her bag and stared at it, hitting buttons. But there would be no message from me.
I had to give her the signal now. We’d never had to do it before, but there was a first time for everything. Hers was changing the rings on her fingers.
“Sounds like a good time,” I said to Skid. I raised my hands and swept my long hair back into a ponytail.
I never put my hair up, but always had a hair band ready on my wrist for the signal. I stretched the band and twisted my hair into it, pulled my long hair through, and tugged it out.
No, don’t approach me.
No, don’t talk to me.
No, we can’t meet.
You don’t know me.
You don’t even notice me.
Get out of the area fast.
Keep moving.
Get lost.
Do not contact me until I c
ontact you.
No.
No.
Fuck, fuck, NO.
She stepped forward, tucking her phone back in her bag. An eyebrow raised from behind the sunglasses. She kept walking straight ahead. That’s good. To have turned around suddenly and walk back from where she came from would have been obvious.
She walked toward me,
toward us,
past me,
past us,
past what would’ve been now,
right now,
tonight.
Jasmine and coriander wafted by me for a moment. Her latest perfume. I closed my eyes and held it in.
Gone.
An ache stabbed at my insides. Too brief, too quick.
I had to deny myself. Again. Denied like I’d been as a kid. That kid. What should have been mine was taken away over and over again. And now that I had something, someone wonderful, in order to preserve it I had to deny it. Reject it.
My stomach twisted, my jaw clenching against the ugly tide of emotion and anger. I wasn’t sure when I’d be able to get back out here to see her. Reich was on my ass and obviously more suspicious of me than usual since Med’s accusations. I had to be even more careful. I wouldn’t put Serena in a vulnerable position.
If Reich ever found out, if he ever found her, he’d deliver her back to Med with a smile on his face and come up with a great way to punish me. I’d probably be applauded for my balls, but at the end of the day, it’d be deemed a crazy bad move.
Fuck, none of that mattered now. All that mattered was that she was gone. It took all the strength I had not to look after her as she walked past.
Skid let out a low whistle. “Fuuuuuck. I’ve seen more hot women around today. Shit.”
My muscles tightened. “Huh?”
He gestured to two blondes on the other side of us who both grinned at his blatant attention. Attention they liked. I released the breath I’d been holding.
