by Cat Porter
“She mentioned that, sounds great. I’m here about something else.”
“Oh, okay. Sure, go ahead.”
I took in a breath, raking my teeth against my bottom lip. Shit, I was actually nervous. “I wanted to ask you if Zoë could be Lenore’s flower girl. The wedding isn’t going to be some big production. Just a few friends is all—no bridesmaids or limos or any of that. Having Zoë be Lenore’s flower girl, to be there for the service, and you and Steve, of course, would be real special for her. So I was hoping you’d agree and—”
“No, no, Tim, not there! Just left of that.” Steve’s irritated voice rose from the other end of the room.
Gail’s face tensed, and she took in a tight breath.
“Steve okay?” I asked.
“It’s nothing.”
“You sure? If I can help, I will. Believe me.”
She let out a nervous laugh. “Oh, I do believe you.” Her eyes darted to Steve and Tim working, her shoulders stiffening.
“Gail, what is it?”
“Steve used to do everything around here and at home, and that’s the way he likes it, but he’s just not strong enough anymore. And he’s very frustrated.”
“That sort of thing is hard on a man. Getting older isn’t easy.”
“It’s more than that. We finally got a diagnosis this morning,” she said, her voice low.
“A diagnosis?”
“He has Parkinson’s. It turns out, he’s had it for years, but he ignored the symptoms. Shaky hands, muscles that suddenly won’t cooperate.”
My mind went back to when I’d helped Steve unload the wheelbarrows from his truck. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Everything’s changing now,” Gail murmured. “We always used to be so focused on Zoë and her progress, and we’d found a real good balance with that. She’s done so well. She’s in a good place. But now, this. Steve was always our rock.
“The business has suffered lately too,” she continued. “The economy isn’t what it used to be, and we haven’t changed our way of doing things too much. We have a website, but it’s terribly out of date. We were planning on…” Her hands smoothed over the folders. “Well. Anyway, Steve’s had to slow down a lot, which upsets him. Asking for help upsets him. He has good days and bad days, and now there are lots of doctor and therapy appointments ahead of us, insurance forms to fill out.”
“You need to be on call all the time for him. There aren’t any breaks,” I said.
Her tired gaze met mine, a spark of relief flitting over her face. “No, there aren’t. The other night, he fell getting out of bed. Luckily he didn’t break a bone, but he bruised his arm. Zoë was very upset.”
“I’ll bet she was. Is there anything we can do for you?”
She blinked at me. “Oh no.” She shook her head. “You don’t…no.”
“Gail, this must be real overwhelming for all of you.”
“I need to take charge of Steve’s care and make a lot of new decisions now.”
“You have family who could pitch in?”
“There’s just my older sister, but she can’t really…” She shook her head, rearranging the pens on the counter.
“Do you need help with Zoë? You know Lenore would help you in a heartbeat. So would I.”
Gail’s face reddened. “Zoë likes Lenore very much and feels comfortable with her.”
“That’s great. Is there anything Lenore could do for you while you get settled with all this?”
“Oh no, really. Lenore has her own business. You’re getting married—”
“What do you need to make your life easier right now? Gail?”
“I’m not sure what to do first.” She pressed her lips together, swallowing hard. “He has to get more tests done. I have to find a physical therapist and get him settled with Steve, probably hire someone else to help out here at the store. Someone to do the accounting, too. I always used to do it, but now…”
“Okay.”
She leveled her gaze with mine. She was proud, and this was difficult for her, asking for help from me on top of the shock of her family dynamics changing forever. “Maybe if Lenore could help with driving Zoë to her school related activities in Rapid and to her art class in Meager?”
“She could do that.”
“If I know that Zoë is taken care of with someone she likes and knows, and someone I trust, I could better focus on everything else. Zoë’s very independent and can take care of herself, but she still needs guidance. It’s an imposition, I know, especially now. Just for a couple of months maybe, until things settle?”
My heart thudded in my chest. “It’s no imposition. I want to help you and Steve, I really do.”
She tilted her head, lips parted, eyes narrowing. “You know, don’t you?”
My eyes flicked to the photo behind her on the wall that I’d noticed the first time I’d come here. A young Steve, a shovel in one hand and a young Gail at his side, who held a small baby, their Zoë, in her arms right here on their property. Their new, second chance start in life. Huge, happy smiles on their faces.
At the time that pic was taken, I was beating up douchebags in jail, making threats, getting knifed in my leg with a homemade shank, blackmailing, threatening, starting fights, making bets, cutting deals. And Lenore had been on the run out there, somewhere, alone.
“Gail, let us help you. I want to help you. It’s the least I can do for you.”
She stared at me, her neck stiffening at the intensity in my tone.
I took in a deep breath. “Years ago, Lenore and I were together. I’m Zoë’s biological father.”
“Oh.” Her eyes widened. “Oh…I…”
“At the time, me and Lenore couldn’t be together. Things were real difficult, and Zoë deserved more, she needed more.” My throat thickened. “Zoë was born out of love, but she needed you and Steve. I want you to know that I’m real grateful that she has you, and I have no intention of ruining your family in any way. I don’t want you to think that. You’ve been real kind to let Lenore have contact with Zoë. That’s real generous of you. Thank you for that. It’s meant the world to her.”
“I know,” she said quietly, her lips tipping up into a beautiful smile. “I’m real happy for you and Lenore, that you both found your way back to each other.” Gail’s face softened. “Zoë’s never been a flower girl or a bridesmaid before.”
“Oh yeah?”
“She loves surprises. She’ll be over the moon when you ask her not only to be the flower girl but to be the surprise, too.”
I only grinned. I had no words, and I didn’t need any.
Gail cleared the pens from the counter between us. “She should be here in ten minutes. You can ask her yourself.”
“Thank you, Gail.”
Her head slanted. “You’re very welcome.”
“I’ll have Lenore call you about pitching in.”
Gail’s pale hands clasped tightly together. “Thank you. It’ll just be for a little while. On occasion, I might have to take Steve to a specialist out of town, and then—”
“Whenever you need help, we’re here. That’s a fact.” I gave her a nod. “Now, I think I’ll go see if Steve and Tim need anything else moved back there before a fight breaks out.”
She let out a small laugh. “Yes, you do that.”
Finally, Lenore and I stood at the head of the small church in Meager, about to walk together up the aisle to where the pastor, Drac, and Tania waited for us. Beck and Krystal and Butler were in the front row. Catch and Nina alongside them. Grace and Lock. Boner and Jill. Cassandra and her man, Taye. Alicia and Ronny, the tattoo parlor owner from Deadwood.
Lenore, amazing in a curve-hugging, long silky purple dress she’d made herself, squeezed my arm. “Ready?”
“No, not yet,” I said, holding her back.
I noticed movement from my right. Quick steps. A flash of blue.
“Psst!”
“Go on!” I said.
Zoë swished in front of us and swept down the aisle of the church.
“Oh my God,” breathed Lenore.
“Happy Wedding Day, baby.”
“Oh my God.”
I quickly kissed the back her hand. “Look at her.”
Zoë waved at us over her shoulder and kept moving, so pretty in a pale blue dress and matching short heels. She wore makeup, and her hair had been styled smooth, held in place with a rhinestone hairband. The princess crowned.
She threw fistfuls of red and purple flower petals in the air from a tiny white basket she held. The church was empty, but she didn’t care. She performed her duties with style, with enthusiasm, her arm swinging high, those dark flower petals tumbling and cascading everywhere.
Gail, Steve, and Zoë’s boyfriend, Mark, sat in the other front row, smiling huge. Once Zoë got to the front, Tania held out a hand and put her arm through hers, tucking her close to her side. They stood together, the two of them beaming at us. Drac raised his chin at me.
I whispered to Lenore, “I wanted us together on this day. Together.”
Lenore’s arm trembled in mine. “I love you. I love you so much.”
But we both knew it was more than love; it was that bond that couldn’t be broken and only made us stronger, fusing our pieces and us together. It was that place. Our place.
I put a steadying hand over her arm. “Let’s do this.”
We made it up the aisle. We pledged, we promised.
I do.
I will.
I am.
I love.
We are.
Lenore and I had dreams once upon a time, but the world had been cruel to us both, and I had returned that cruelty, ungrateful, vengeful. But there are such gifts in life, like Zoë. Like loyal friends. Like forgiveness. Like a true lover. Even in my numbness, I’d recognized them, because I’d hungered for them still.
I stood in that church, my wife at my side, our daughter before me, her flowers scattered over us under the eyes of that Higher Power that is called God. Split wide open, I prayed to be worthy of their gifts in this life and the next.
I kissed the scar I’d left years ago on the inside of my woman’s wrist. I kissed her lips. We were one.
After the ceremony, we had dinner with our friends at the Meager Grand Cafe, the fancy coffee shop in town. The owner was a friend of Grace, Tania, and Lenore’s. She’d shut down for the night just for us and catered the food, and created a real nice cake for us too. Grace and Tania had decorated the cafe with a ton of tiny twinkling lights stuffed in vintage bottles hanging from the ceiling, and small bunches of crimson flowers on the tables. It was unlike anything I’d ever seen before. A small magical paradise glowing in the dark of night just for us. Lenore loved it.
At my side, Lenore laughed at something Butler and Tania were heatedly debating. She laughed and her fingers curled over mine, our new thick silver rings engraved with a flame motif shone in the soft light from the candles on the table. I kissed that hand.
My old lady. My wife.
We went home.
Late that night, in our living room, the two of us holding each other as we danced to a blues tune she loved, her fingers dug in my shirt and she whispered roughly against my throat, “Make love to me.”
I had to build around us. Build for us and the child who would never know us as parents. Maybe one day I could cope with that, but right now it was still a struggle. Right now all I knew was my Serena’s kiss offering me peace, her body offering a devastating joy, flinging away the fragments of all that fucking sorrow, and soldering us together.
My blood heated as I raised her in my arms and she wrapped herself around me. I took her to our bed and laid her down.
Once, we were young and impulsive and breathed in each other day and night as if it were our last. That was still a part of us, but now there was an element of enjoying the finer points and savoring in a new way.
I unbuttoned, pulled, tugged, released.
“Yes, yes—”
I sank my mouth over her, tasting and nuzzling, teasing her.
“Baby. I love you, I love you...”
On my knees on our bed, I raised her one leg high, planted a hand on a breast and buried my cock inside her in one sure thrust. I moved inside her long and slow, kneading that tit. She was splayed wide open for me, taking me in, taking all of me, my victories, my failures, my anger, my commitment. I rolled my hips into hers, my heart heaving with fire. My love for her, molten iron.
“Justin, Justin. I love you.”
Her gorgeous eyes held mine, our daughter’s eyes; my stars leading me north, my steady signs of truth and real and faith were flaming blue green jewels, but they were all the colors.
Every single one.
73
The past month, I had Den design a new website for Steve and Gail’s business, and he’d gone over it with Gail along with setting up a new computer and printer and updated internet connection for the nursery. Den’s brother set up a security system for their entire property as well. I sent a few of my prospects over to the shop on a steady basis to clean up, paint, renovate, fix. Lenore easily rearranged her schedule and took Zoë to her classes and activities.
Today, Zoë would spend the night with us as Steve and Gail had to go to Sioux Falls for more medical tests.
The girls spent the day together. Zoë wanted to shop at Lenore’s store, so Lenore took her shopping at the mall. Zoë wanted a tattoo, so Lenore bought her new makeup and gave her a makeover with cat-eye eyeliner, sparkly eye shadow, and a dark pink lipstick. We went out for an Italian dinner in town, watched a movie at home, and then Lenore and I stayed up for hours listening to our daughter’s soft snoring coming from Beck’s room down the hall.
We’d all woken up late and had fruit and pancakes for brunch. Now it was past two in the afternoon, and Gail and Steve were coming to pick up Zoë in a couple of hours. Before she left, I was going to take her for a ride on my bike.
I pulled my Harley out to the curb. Standing with Lenore, Zoë watched me, her lips pressing together.
“Finger’s been riding since he was a little boy.” Lenore zipped up Zoë’s windbreaker. “He knows everything there is to know about riding. His bike is like his best friend. It’s a part of him. You couldn’t ask for a better first ride.”
“Okay.” Zoë scrunched and unscrunched her eyes, twisting her lips. She was deliberating. She was gearing up.
Lenore swept Zoë’s hair back from her shoulders. “Can I tell you a secret?”
Zoë’s face lit up and she nodded, a slight giggle escaping her lips.
“Riding with Finger on his bike is one of my most favorite things in the world. From the very first time I did it.”
“When was that?”
“A long, long time ago. Now it’s even better.”
Zoë glanced at me and took in a deep breath, her shoulders rising and falling. She went over to the bike and tried to swing her leg over it, but she couldn’t quite reach. I grabbed her leg, steadying her as she hopped up and scooted in the saddle, Lenore at her side, a hand on her lower back.
“It’s high,” Zoë said.
“You want to get down?” I asked her. “You can get down.”
“No. I want to ride with you.”
Everything inside me melted like a chocolate bar in the summer heat.
“You look great.” Lenore checked her helmet for the twentieth time. “You’re all set. Let me take a picture with your phone.” Lenore raised Zoë’s phone and took several shots of us.
“Let’s do a selfie with all of us,” said Zoë.
Lenore moved next to Zoë and took a photo of all three of us. “Perfect,” she said softly, her fingers tightening over the phone.
Small hands with fingernails painted a metallic blue clutched at the back of my jacket and let go as if she’d realized she’d made a mistake. Lenore put her hands over Zoë’s, bringing them around my middle again, pressing them into my sides. I couldn’t breathe, my heart pounded in my chest.
“Like that, okay, sweetie?” said Lenore.
“Won’t I tickle him that way?” Zoë asked. “Won’t that bother him?”
“No, it’s okay. You hold on and don’t let go.” Lenore’s voice wavered.
Zoë leaned against my back. The pressure of her weight minimal, the pressure of her overwhelming. “I won’t let go.”
My eyes slid to Lenore’s.
Molten fire, drumming heartbeats. My woman and me and our daughter.
This may not have been a perfect outcome, not having Zoë all to ourselves, Zoë never learning the truth, but at this very moment that didn’t add up to much but spilled milk. What mattered was us knowing our daughter, building a relationship.
All the kingdoms and empires in this ugly fucked up world could never add up to this sensation swelling in my veins, coursing through my heart, filling my ragged soul and binding all its thousand scars.
With precise movements I made my engine burst and rumble, and I braced.
“Eek!” Zoë’s body jumped and she held me tighter.
My eyes squeezed shut.
“That’s it. Like that.” Lenore stroked her leg. “Remember, when you get back, there’ll be brownies and ice cream.”
“Yay! My favorite,” replied Zoë.
“Mine too,” said Lenore.
I leaned back. “Zoë, you ready to party?”
“Yes!” she shouted over the steady drone of the engine.
A smile took my lips hostage as Lenore’s full eyes lifted to mine. Everything roaring inside me was written all over her face and resonated between us. Joy, sadness, elation, longing. Yet there was also a sense of achievement.
We got here, baby, through fire and blades, demons and curses, blood and plagues.
