Coal is nice!
“Well it’s brown coal, and it gives you gas! Come on and we’ll get you something better.”
The big tent rang with the sound of lute music. As they entered, the Justicar smelled fresh faerie cakes and mulled wine. On a large circular bed, Escalla the faerie lay sprawled upon a big silk sheet. Her hair had been pinned with a gem shaped like a ladybug, and she wore a little black dress that had apparently been sprayed onto her in liquid form.
Her bare feet wriggled in the air as two women massaged them. Dazed and lazy, the faerie waved her hand at Jus as he came into the tent and surveyed her little lair of debauchery.
“Check it out, J-man!” Nearly comatose with pleasure, Escalla gripped the silken sheets and purred, “I’ve had relays of them providing continual foot massage for the last seven hours!”
The ranger raised his brow. “How did you manage that?”
“They’re on loan from a business.” Escalla yawned as she wriggled her long toes. “They’re partners of some friends of ours. I got the kelpies a job, and they’re really having a ball!”
“A job?” Jus planted his boot on the edge of the bed. “What kind of job?”
Escalla looked innocently at the ceiling. “Ah, an interpersonal relations job?”
“Like secretaries?”
“Um, yeah! You know, taking things down.” Escalla innocently vacillated then stuffed her face with faerie cake. “They really like it.”
“Hmph.” The Justicar sat down on Escalla’s bed. “No eating people?”
“Nah, I bought them a sack of fertilizer and told ’em human flesh is fattening.” The faerie gave a yawn. “I think they’ll stick to beef ribs from now on.”
Relaxing on the bed, Jus spread out Cinders’ luxuriously brushed black pelt behind him. Escalla’s little campsite contained the finest folding furniture, a wine rack, and the choicest of foods. It even included silk flowers and scented candles. The Justicar sniffed at a bottle on the bedside table, poured himself a glass, and discovered that Escalla had acquired a taste for expensive wine.
He cocked a suspicious eye at the faerie girl. “I thought you were still poor?”
“It was a passing phase.” The faerie coughed, covering her blush with a flirt of her fan. “On top of that bag of gems, we got three black pearls from the dungeon, and they sold for a ton of coin! I cashed one pearl for you and one for me. The big black one I’m keeping just so I can run around naked wearing the thing around my neck.”
Cinders’ red eyes gleamed.
Fair!
“You bet it’s fair! You wait until you see me wriggling on my mink bedspread!” Escalla clinked glasses in a toast with the Justicar. “Cheers!”
She drank, had a thought midway through a mouthful, and sat up on the bed. “Mmph! How’d you do with the baron? Did the countess say thanks for solving the supply train thingie?”
“Fine. The border settlements are getting their supplies. My commission is finished.” The man refilled his glass and flexed weary shoulder blades. “So it’s time to look for the next job that has to be done.”
“So you’re at a loose end then?”
Escalla coiled expectantly on the bed, smiling a toothy, falsely innocent grin. She clenched a ragged bundle of papers behind her back, failing to conceal the documents behind her transparent wings.
“About that! Now look, I just bet that what you want to do is go somewhere and dispense some justice, right?”
Jus nursed his drink suspiciously. “Yup.”
“And justice—that comes from balance, from righting the wrongs, from someone being right there in place to keep on fighting for the little man!”
Leaning his sword across his knees, the Justicar propped his stubbled chin inside his hand and said, “What have you done?”
The girl bit her lip and jiggled her head from side to side. “Well, you remember that gem I liberated from the dungeon shelves as we were leaving?”
“The gem you stole.”
“Stole?” Blinking in innocence, Escalla placed a hand against her heart. “I never steal! All I did was reallocate its ownership!” The girl twiddled her fingertips. “Anyway, it was a ruby, just a useless pretty rock. But I’ve exchanged it for something of real value, something just for Cinders, you, and me!”
The Justicar watched Escalla from the corner of his eye. “Exchanged? Exchanged it for what?”
“Property!” The faerie instantly spread out her papers, maps, and deeds. “I bought us a tower near a village, and a temple with an underground monster storage facility! All user unoccupied. Real renovator’s delights!”
“What? ‘Underground monster storage facility’?” The Justicar reached out to snatch a handful of plans. “What’s the name of this damned village, anyhow?”
“Name?” Escalla fluttered her eyelashes and fanned her wings, pretending not to care. “Oh, Gimlet. Hogwart. Hommlet—something like that…”
“Hommlet… ?” The man rose to his feet, utterly appalled. “You bought Hommlet!”
Escalla grumbled, looking surly and annoyed.
“I knew you’d react like that! Look, I am aware that the place once had a reputation!” The faerie fussed about with her deeds and plans. “But hey, that was ten years ago! The temples prime property now! The dungeon there was all cleaned out. We can turn it into a games room or a tavern or something!”
“The place is going to be brimming full of monsters!” The Justicar paced the room, Cinders’ tail wagging at his back. “Underground monster storage facility indeed!”
Sounds fun!
“You keep out of this!”
Wriggling closer to Jus, Escalla slowly crept her way across the sheets.
“Just think—a biiiiig empty dungeon. Bandits are sure to use it as a hideout unless we clean it out!” The faerie sidled up and leaned against Jus’ side. “Think about the village! All those poor innocent people in the grip of evil, just wondering when their Justicar will come.”
“Shut up!”
Escalla clasped her hands and fluttered her lashes in dismay.
“Oh when? When will our Justicar arrive? Surely justice will one day seek out all our oppressors.”
“Oh, all right!” Annoyed with himself, Jus fetched himself another beer. “We’ll go. But if there are no bandits there…”
“There will be! Ooodles of them—you’ll see!”
The girl gave a piercing whistle. In seconds flat, her hired help had cleared away the tent. Jus rescued two bottles of wine, tossing one to Escalla as the camp furniture disappeared into a series of leather trunks. Escalla dove behind a bush and came out in her old leathers, dragging a net full of healing potions in her wake.
“You ready? Because we can make it to the first coaching inn this evening! I hear they do a great roast hogfish in pickleberry sauce!”
Startled, the Justicar watched the luxurious camp being readied for transport. “You’re taking all this stuff with you?”
“Hey, we did it your way last time. This time I say we travel in style!” The girl spread out her lithe little arms. “I’ve had enough sleeping in bracken to last a thousand years!”
“How were you planning on moving it all?”
“I’ve hired transport! A specialist!” Escalla stood back and clapped her hands. “Come on, big nose! Move it! We’re leaving!”
Polk came around the corner of the citadel, mounted on a big red wagon. Dressed in bright new clothes, the man waved happily to the Justicar.
“Son! You look good, son. Dragon hide—now that’s the way for an adventurer to dress!”
Feeling strangely dizzy, Jus covered his face with his hands. “You hired Polk…”
Escalla slapped the teamster on the shoulders with a smile. “Hey man, he’s part of the team!”
Immensely proud, Polk puffed himself out like an exploding rooster. “Polk the teamster, transport to adventure!” The man pointed grandly at the misspelled banner along the side of his cart. “Now come on,
son! Hop on. I have some notes I want to go over with you. There’s some new dungeoneering ideas that I’ve had.” The man cracked his whip and stirred his horses on as the last boxes were loaded on his cart. “I still say we can put a polish on your heroic technique. You can learn, son! You might not be a dead loss after all!”
Passers by on the streets all stopped to stare, for walking behind Polk’s cart came Enid the sphinx, nicely brushed and with a headdress covering her hair. Scroll cases clattered and rattled about her back—riddles copied down over the last few weeks from a dozen different bards. Escalla helped slide a last riddle scroll into place then landed on the sphinx’s back as she paced along beside the Justicar.
Jus nodded to the sphinx. “Hey, Enid.”
“Hello.” The sphinx’s educated tones seemed a little nervous. “It should be fun, don’t you think? Escalla says travel broadens the mind!”
“Yeah.” The ranger gave a snort of disgust. “She just says that to explain why she keeps fleeing from lynch mobs.”
“Jus, go ride in the cart!” The faerie sat cross-legged on Enid’s rump as they marched out of the city. “We’ve got a long way to go. So who wants a riddle?”
Cinders flapped his ears. Me!
“Great!” The faerie lounged back on the sphinx’s rump as the cat-woman passed out of the city gates. “Try this one:
“I’m six foot two, and my cloak’s got fleas!
No sense of humor, and I start with ‘E’?”
The Justicar shot Escalla an evil glance. “You owe me one half hour of silence. Starting now!”
“All right, all right!” Escalla propped a mug of wine on her belly and watched the clouds go by. “Silent, not a word. Golden, pristine quiet.”
From Polk’s cart, Jus turned and gave the girl a glare. “Your solemn word!”
“Sure. Solemn!” Escalla saluted with her drink. “See? This is me, silent. Aaaaabsolutely not a sound.”
Clamped upon his friend’s broad back, Cinders suddenly wagged his tail. Evelyn! It’s Evelyn! The hell hound grinned. Good riddle!
Padding happily along beside the cart, Enid tilted her face in a frown. “Evelyn? What kind of answer is that?”
“Nothing.” Jus hurled a faerie cake at Escalla, hitting the girl between the ears. “Nothing at all!”
The Justicar removed Cinders from his back, opened the creature’s mouth and stuffed in a big piece of coal. Cinders made a delighted noise like a child sucking on a lollipop. Quite content, the hell hound shot flames out of its nose and went into a daze of ecstasy.
Grumbling, Jus put Cinders back atop his helm. Shoving Polk’s scrolls aside, he heaved a sigh and lounged back to await the next new turning of the road.
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White Plume Mountain Page 29
