by Robin Talley
Toni said, “I’m hoping the neighbors will think you’ve taken in a stray,” and it went downhill from there. Toni and Mrs. Fasseau will look for any excuse to get in an argument. Soon they were both yelling so loud, Consuela had to go into the dining room to roll the pie crusts.
It’ll be okay after tonight, though. Sometime in the next hour, Toni will talk to Audrey. Audrey will be cool about everything, and then Toni will calm down.
It’s going to be an awesome weekend. Toni and I will spend as much time together as we possibly can. Things will get back to normal for both of us. And for us, us.
“Cheating is basically the worst thing ever,” Toni says.
“I know,” I say. “I totally, completely agree with you on that. Steven is a total jerkface for cheating. It’s just—maybe I’m a crazy romantic, but I also think that forgiveness is basically the best thing ever.”
“I know,” Toni says, sighing. “You’re right. You’re always right about this stuff.”
I sit back in my seat, surprised. I don’t remember the last time Toni said I was right about something.
“Maybe when we come back for Christmas we can try to hang out with them together a little bit,” I say. “Maybe see if you can forgive Steven, too.”
“I won’t have to,” Toni says. “They’ll be broken up again by then.”
Toni’s worked up. It’s only natural. I should try to do something about it, though. It won’t be good if Toni’s still in this mood when we talk to Audrey.
“Oh, come on,” I say. “That’s what people told us when we started college, remember? That we’d be broken up by Thanksgiving?”
“People are stupid,” Toni says with a grunt.
We’re at a stoplight. There’s got to be another way to put Toni in a better mood.
“What did you think of that outfit Renee had on?” I try to sound light, teasing. “Her top was more of a bra than a shirt. Do you think I could pull off that look?”
“Your light’s green,” Toni says.
Wow. Okay. I pull through the intersection and pretend that didn’t faze me.
“Are you nervous?” I finally ask.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay.” I try to think of something else to say. Talking to Toni isn’t supposed to be this hard. “Can you believe how tan Marie got? I mean, I know she goes to college in Florida, but what does she do, spend every day on the beach? Do you think classes are optional there or something?”
“Can you pull over?”
“What? Oh, uh, sure.”
We’ve just turned into Toni’s McMansion neighborhood. There’s a grove of trees inside the front gates. I pull the car in under them, away from the streetlights. I don’t know if Toni just wants to take a breather or is about to have a full-on meltdown, but either way, privacy will be good.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“I’m sorry,” Toni says.
“For what?”
Toni shrugs. “Nothing. It doesn’t matter now. I just have really stupid ideas sometimes.”
“No, you don’t. Telling Audrey’s a good idea. I know it’s scary, but—”
“That’s not what I mean.” Toni pinches the bridge of T’s nose. “Chris was right. I was being an idiot. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Chris? About what? I didn’t even see you talk to him tonight. Was there something—”
“Can you come over here?”
I unbuckle my seat belt and climb over until I’m perched on the edge of Toni’s seat. We’re in my mom’s ancient SUV, and it doesn’t have the easiest setup for cuddling, but I put my arms around Toni anyway.
“What’s wrong?” I ask. I smooth Toni’s hair back and kiss T’s earlobe.
Toni kisses me, hard, and I forget about the rest of it.
We move into the backseat, because the front doesn’t have tinted windows, and Toni always thinks about these things. I don’t. I can’t. I’m too caught up in the way this feels. Toni’s hands on me, our lips moving together. Our bodies that know every rhythm of each other.
“I love you,” I say.
Toni doesn’t answer. I wish I hadn’t said it in the first place.
I close my eyes and move in for another kiss and stop thinking altogether.
* * *
Toni’s parents go to bed early, so when we get to the house, most of the lights are out. Toni has managed to be back in town for twelve hours without seeing Mr. and Mrs. Fasseau for more than five minutes at a time. I don’t know how they can keep this up all weekend, especially with Thanksgiving tomorrow, but if any family can pull it off it’s this one.
I knock on Audrey’s bedroom door a couple of minutes later. She’s got an Amy Winehouse song playing, which makes me smile. I haven’t seen Audrey since August, so when she opens the door, for a second I forget why we’re there and I give her a happy hug. Then Toni coughs behind me, and I remember I promised to kick off this conversation.
“Hey, Audrey,” I say. “I know it’s late, but can we come in and talk about something important?”
“As long as you aren’t here to tell me you’re taking the car back to Boston with you,” Audrey says, looking at Toni. We come in and sit down on these faux-fur butterfly chairs Audrey has, with cheap fabric stretched over thin aluminum tubes. I’m always sure I’ll fall out of them. Audrey sits on the bed. “Dad said if you do he won’t let me get another Nissan. I’ll be stuck driving Mom’s old Range Rover to school and honestly, it’s so embarrassing.”
“I don’t want the car,” Toni says. “No one drives at Harvard.”
“Good,” Audrey says. “Can I have your room, too?”
“No,” Toni says.
Audrey laughs. Toni doesn’t. I want to tell Toni to relax, but I’ve already done my job. My only responsibility from this point on is to sit here and be silently supportive.
“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” Audrey looks back and forth between us. She’s still smiling, but I can tell she’s getting nervous.
After a long pause, so long I start to get worried, Toni looks down and says, “Um. So. Look. Do you know what transgender means?”
“Yeah, duh,” Audrey says. “I’m in the GSA, remember? I read that same book you guys did. Hey, is this about your friend Nance?”
Toni’s head shoots back up. “What?”
“That girl Nance. I saw where she posted on your page, and I looked at her profile. She was talking about working on a guide to gender transitioning at Harvard. Is she transgender?”
“No. Nance isn’t trans.” Toni cracks a tiny smile. “At least, not as far as I know.”
“Oh.” Audrey looks even more confused.
“I am.”
“Oh. Oh!”
Audrey stands up, then sits back down. She looks at me with wide eyes. I give Audrey a tiny nod so she knows she heard right. She grabs a throw pillow with a pink peace sign on it and hugs it to her chest. I wait for Toni to explain that actually, the best word to use for T is genderqueer or gender nonconforming, not transgender, but Toni doesn’t say that.
“Are you freaked?” Toni asks instead.
“No,” Audrey says. I wonder if she’s telling the truth. “I mean, I kind of had a feeling. Even before you left. It’s just weird to hear it for real.”
God, I know what she means. It’s one thing to have an inkling, but knowing that it’s your life now...
“You had a feeling before?” Toni asks. “Really?”
“Yeah,” Audrey says. “Mainly because of the lawsuit thing. I mean, I get not liking skirts, but you seemed like you really, really hated them.”
“Oh.”
“So.” Audrey smiles really big. She’s talking faster than usual. “Does this mean you’re
a full-time guy now, or what?”
“No,” Toni says. “Not yet.”
Wow. I’ve never heard Toni use the word yet for that before. Does that mean Toni’s definitely decided to transition? Or is this just how Toni’s explaining it to Audrey?
I close my eyes and bite my lip to keep from asking questions.
“When?” Audrey asks. I open my eyes to watch Toni’s reaction.
“I’m not sure,” Toni says. “I’m still figuring it all out.”
“How do you know you’re transgender if you’re still figuring it out?” Audrey asks.
“Because I know I don’t consider myself female,” Toni says. “I never have. But it’s only been since I started school this year that I’ve thought about it in these exact terms.”
That much I knew. Toni told me that the first time we talked about this stuff. I just know I’m not female, Toni said then. I don’t know what that makes me. Can you wait while I figure it out? Would you?
“I thought you said you didn’t believe in the binary gender system,” Audrey says. “You said it at that one GSA meeting last year.”
“I don’t,” Toni says.
“So if you don’t believe there’s a binary system, why would you want to be a guy?”
I never would’ve dreamed of asking Toni that question myself.
“Uh.” Toni falters. “I don’t know. For real, though, I’m still thinking it through. Maybe I don’t want to go all the way to becoming a guy. I’m not sure. All I know is, I definitely don’t see myself as a girl.”
Oh. Okay.
At first I’m relieved. Then I feel guilty about feeling relieved.
“Oh,” Audrey says. “I thought you were supposed to feel trans? That video we watched said trans people felt like they were born in the wrong body.”
“Yeah, I don’t get that,” Toni says. “I wasn’t born in the wrong body. This is my body.”
“But you just said you don’t see yourself as a girl. You just said!”
Audrey’s frustrated, and I am, too. I’m so glad she’s saying all this stuff. I’ve never asked these questions. I’ve been so scared of saying the wrong thing.
“I don’t see myself as female,” Toni says. “But I don’t think I’m in the wrong body, either. That seems way too extreme. I don’t want to switch bodies with someone else. I’m just not positive I like my body exactly the way it is right now.”
I like Toni’s body exactly the way it is right now.
What does that mean for me? Or for Toni?
Also, the way Toni is explaining it to Audrey sounds much simpler than the way Toni’s always explained it to me. Is that because Toni is trying to make this easier for Audrey? Or have I just been overcomplicating things in my head?
“All right.” Audrey nods. “So for you it would be like getting regular plastic surgery. Changing your outsides, not your insides.”
“Yeah.” Toni looks confused. “I guess.”
“Like a boob job,” Audrey goes on. “Only, I mean, in reverse.”
That makes me laugh. Neither of them does, though.
“Is it because of all your new friends up at college?” Audrey says. “Are they, you know, peer-pressuring you to be more trans than you are normally?”
I’ve wondered that, too. I’m glad I never said it out loud, though, because Toni looks pissed.
“No one’s pressuring me to do anything,” Toni says. “If they were, it wouldn’t make a difference. I know who I am.”
Audrey bites her lip. “Sorry. I’m just trying to understand.”
Toni softens right away. “I know.”
“So you’re going to be my brother,” Audrey says. It’s so strange to hear her say that. “Someday. Maybe. Probably.”
“Yeah,” Toni says.
What?
Okay, seriously. What the hell happened to gender nonconforming?
What happened to I’m still figuring it out?
All of a sudden, Toni is going to be a guy? Someday? Maybe? Probably?
What the hell does this mean for me?
“So, are you straight now?” Audrey asks.
“No!” I say before Toni can reply.
I expect Toni to agree with me. Instead Toni laughs. “There’s nothing wrong with being straight, Gretch.”
“I know that,” I say. “You’re certainly not straight, though. You’re queer, same as me.”
“Well, yeah, but I don’t like guys,” Toni says. “I like girls. So if I wind up being a guy, then yeah, I guess technically I’d be straight.”
Oh, my God. This is really real, isn’t it? This is really going to happen.
Jesus. Toni is going to be a guy.
“That’s not how it works,” I say.
“It’s not?” Toni and Audrey ask at the same time. Then they laugh at their overlap.
I want to cover my ears and go “La la la.” Instead I say, “I don’t know. I guess it’s different for different people.”
They aren’t listening to me anymore. They’re still giggling.
“If you’re going to be a straight guy, you need to get a new haircut,” Audrey says. “Only a gay guy would wear that much gel.”
“Lay off my hair!” Toni says. Audrey flicks Toni with her finger, and Toni flicks her back.
This whole awkward scene has brought them closer. That’s so weird.
The weirdest part is that I can’t remember the last time I saw Toni this happy.
I try to smile, too, but my bottom lip is quivering. They don’t notice, though. They’re still laughing.
I tell them I have to go to the bathroom. Then I sit on the toilet seat and cry.
* * *
I don’t have a curfew anymore, since I reminded my parents I get to stay out all night anyway at school. I can stay at Toni’s as long as I want to.
I dry my eyes and wash my face. When I get back to Audrey’s room, neither of them seems to have noticed I was gone so long. Toni is giddy that Audrey’s taking the news so well. The three of us hang out talking for another hour. Audrey’s dying to get away from their parents, so Toni invites her to come along to London next month for the internship interview. (Assuming their parents say yes, which they will. The Fasseaus will take any opportunity to get their children out of the house, including shipping them overseas.)
This annoys me because I’m still not thrilled about Toni going so far away for the summer, but I stay quiet. Finally Audrey yawns and talks about how she had a long day at school, so Toni and I go back down the hall.
We lie on Toni’s bed. It’s late, and Toni’s staring at the ceiling with an unreadable expression. I’m still freaked out from earlier, but I can’t show it.
“So, that happened,” Toni says.
“Yes, it did,” I say, neutral.
“It was better than I thought it would be.”
“Yeah. Your sister is awesome. I knew she’d be cool about it.”
Toni rolls over onto an elbow, looking at me for the first time since we left Audrey’s room. There’s a softness in Toni’s eyes. I haven’t seen that expression there since last August.
“Thank you,” Toni says. “So much.”
“Oh.” I don’t know what to say. Those words mean so much. “I didn’t...”
“You did. You were there. You being there with me meant so much.”
Toni’s head drops onto my shoulder. I lie there, feeling Toni’s soft weight on my chest, my heart exploding.
“I love you,” I say after another long moment has passed. Because it’s true, and because I want to say it. And because I want to see what will happen.
Toni doesn’t answer.
Maybe Toni’s asleep. I shake T’s shoulder gently. “T?”
“
Hmm?” Toni says.
“I love you,” I say again.
“Mmm-hmm.” Toni’s awake now.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“Nothing.”
“Whatever it is, you can tell me. You know that, right? It’s always been that way.” I pull at a corner of Toni’s bedspread and twist the fabric around my fingers. “Am I doing something wrong?”
“It’s nothing,” Toni says again.
We aren’t looking at each other. I’m lying on my back, studying the cracks in Toni’s ceiling. Toni’s head is still on my shoulder, facing away from me.
“I can help,” I say. “I want to help.”
I mean it. I will do anything in the world to make us go back to the way we used to be.
I don’t know what changed. All I know for sure is, there’s something Toni’s not telling me. Three months ago I wouldn’t have thought that was possible.
“I know you want to help,” Toni says and sighs.
“So tell me what you need. What you said to Audrey, I—I didn’t know it was like that, but, I mean, it’s great. Are you—did you change your mind about labels? You told her you were just trans. Did you decide not to use gender nonconforming anymore?”
Toni shrugs. “I’m mostly using genderqueer again. It’s simpler. Since it’s all under the trans umbrella, though, I figured that would be easier for Audrey to understand.”
“Oh.” I try to smile. “That makes sense. So, what you said, about maybe being a guy someday. Is that—like, do you really think that? Like, what do you think is the—I mean, if you had to put, say, a percentage on it. Do you think there’s a ninety percent chance you’ll be a guy? Or, you know, a fifty percent chance, or a thirty percent chance—”
Toni’s staring at me. “Why are you asking this?”
“Because I want to—I don’t know.” Crap. I’m doing what I swore I wouldn’t. I’m asking questions, and I’m saying the wrong thing because I don’t know what I’m talking about. “Never mind. Ignore me. Look, just tell me what I should do, and I’ll help however I can.”
“You can’t help,” Toni says.
“Why not?”
“Because it doesn’t—it isn’t—”
