I winced, preparing for the worst.
There are too many things to say for a text message.
Stephanie paused and winked. “Yeah, maybe you should have thought of that first.”
“Just keep reading!” I hissed.
Smiling, she continued.
Meet me at the beginning of the end. Let’s talk.
She lowered the phone and frowned. “Beginning of the end? What kind of cryptic, scavenger hunt, philosophical bullshit was that?”
I jumped to my feet, grabbing my phone from her hand. “I know exactly where that is.”
“Where?” she yelled after me as I ran out the door.
“The football field.”
Chapter 31
I used to go to the bleachers every day after school for the rest of senior year. I know it sounds a bit stupid, but after Jesse left I thought that somehow one day he’d be there waiting for me. I’d imagine him sitting in the same row towards the top wearing the exact same jacket from Homecoming night. Of course I never actually gave the jacket back to him so that daydream was impossible in more ways than one.
Who would have thought that after five years that vision would actually become reality? Certainly not me, yet here I was driving back to my alma mater, wondering if history was about to repeat itself.
The stale winter air hit my face like a giant sledgehammer. Unlike the autumn night of Homecoming, this night was unbearably cold. I couldn’t help but silently curse Jesse as I walked past the main building towards the back field, wishing I had a portable heater stuck somewhere inside my underwear.
Note to self—invent a heated bra.
The harsh gleam from the “Friday Night Lights” was like my beacon towards the field I knew so well. Though countless renovations had resulted in a slightly different looking high school there was no mistaking the huge gymnasium or the narrow walkway curving towards the gated field. It was all too nostalgic and I almost found myself reaching for my hair, ready to yank out bobby pins.
It was a bit eerie walking through the school alone with not even a single cricket to accompany my echoing footsteps. I even found myself missing the corny love songs emanating from the gym, yearning for any sound other than my apprehensive breaths.
When I rounded the corner by the old ticket booth I spotted someone perched towards the top of the bleachers. The figure was hunched over and rocking back and forth. It looked as if he were chanting or at the very least, running over his lines.
Inhaling a mouthful of air, I pressed forward, so tunnel visioned that I could only make out his silhouette. I no longer noticed the sharp bite of the wind, nor did I notice the hard concrete transition to a slushy grass. My mission was to meet him, and until I did it was all I could think about.
“Hi, Rocky.” His voice sounded like a million angels singing a Prince song. Hearing it after my scary walk through campus—not to mention the three days of radio silence—was like finding an oasis in the middle of the desert.
Jesse straightened himself, but didn’t leave his seat on the bleacher. He gazed down at me and smiled. “Lady in red again, I see.”
Frowning, I looked down at my outfit and realized my jacket was almost the exact same shade of my Homecoming dress. Shit. Who woulda thought?
“Not planned. It’s like the only winter coat I own. I really should buy more, considering how shitty the snow has been recently,” I replied, reaching the bottom of the seats. Placing one foot firmly on the slippery bleacher, I began to ascend what seemed like a million steps.
“You hate the snow, I see.”
“That cartoon Ice Queen can suck it.”
By the time I reached the top I hesitated, wondering where to sit. Should I situate myself beside him and act as if nothing had happened? Then again, it would prevent me from having to look him in the eye. Or, should I sit one rung below him and glare up at him the entire time? Then again he’d be sitting higher than me and in theory, gain the mental edge.
Fortunately I didn’t have to decide. Jesse patted the space next to him, “Please sit down.”
Nodding my head, I obliged, making sure there was at least three inches between us. Blowing air into my hands, I rubbed them together, desperate to warm up. “You wanted to see me?”
He looked…pained is the best word I could think to describe the slouch of his mouth and furrowing brows. He clasped his hands together and sighed. “What happened, Rocky?”
“Um, you walked out on me again and—”
“That’s not what I meant,” he interrupted, pressing his top and bottom teeth together. “I mean how did I fall in love with you? I was never supposed to fall in love with anybody.”
My heart quickened. “I…I don’t know how to answer that.”
Jesse shut his eyes and tilted his head to the side. “I was never a fan of love. All my life my parents were on some…dysfunctional bullshit. I thought finding someone special was just a stupid myth invented by the greeting card companies of the world.”
“Wow, never pegged you for a conspiracy theorist,” I joked weakly.
Ignoring me, he kept his eyes shut as if trying to remember a distant dream. “I remember the day it happened too. I’d of course seen you and Stephanie around since elementary school, but never thought to talk to you both. I mean, why would I? We had nothing in common. Besides, I was always the loner and liked it that way.”
Loner? Not with all the girls you used to date.
“Then Mrs. Harris made us choose groups in bio and as usual I was left alone. Stupid administration, right? Never making sure each class had an even number of students. There’s always one oddball in every class and that oddball was me.”
I frowned. “How come I didn’t remember that? I just thought you were assigned to us.”
“I was,” he agreed. “Mrs. Harris didn’t think it was fair for me to work alone and honestly, she probably thought I couldn’t pass without the help of her two top students.” He paused and let out a laugh. “When she told me I had to work with you, I was mortified.”
“Nice to know you thought of us as dweebs,” I mumbled.
He shook his head. “No, quite the opposite.”
“What do you mean?”
He finally opened his eyelids, revealing the familiar pair of brown eyes I loved so much. They sparkled with a certain childhood innocence I hadn’t seen in a while. It took me a few moments to realize he was actually enjoying his trip down memory lane.
“You don’t think I never knew what the kids said about me?” he asked quietly.
“That you were hot? A rebel without a cause?”
He shook his head. “That they were afraid of this troublemaker from the bad part of town. That they felt sorry for me because my mom was a drunk and because of that, I probably was too. Stupid, right? I mean, I was only a kid.”
My lips trembled slightly. “I didn’t know that.”
He smiled. “I know you didn’t.”
“You do?”
He nodded. “When I walked over to your table all you said was, ‘Hi! Welcome to the group. Sorry, you’re stuck with us, but happy to have you onboard.’ You didn’t look scared of me and you didn’t look like you pitied me. In fact, you just got back to work like it was no big deal.”
“I said all that?” I shook my head in awe. “How do you remember?”
“I remember everything you ever said to me.” He gazed at his palms, opening and closing his fingers. “I think it was at that moment I started falling for you.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “Well, it’s a good thing I didn’t say something like, ‘Wanna touch my boobs?’ We would probably have been making out on that lab desk. Mrs. Harris would never have wanted us in bio again.”
“I’m serious,” he insisted.
I lost my smile. “Jesse, you’re being ridiculous. You couldn’t have fallen for me then. You didn’t even know me.”
“Well, I did. From the moment you first spoke to me I knew you were special.” He reached out
and placed a hand on my knee. “Considering your surprise, can I safely assume it wasn’t love at first sight for you? How long did it take before you started to like me like that?”
I didn’t answer.
“How long, Rocky?” he prodded.
I shook my head.
“How long?”
I sighed and rubbed circles over my forehead. “I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t immediately attracted to you, but since you’re asking about full-blown feelings, I’d say…about a week?”
He threw his head back and let out a laugh that echoed loudly through the field. “If it only took you a week why wouldn’t you believe it only took me that one time?”
“Because…”
“What?”
“Why me? Why not Stephanie? She was there too.”
He smiled softly. “Because when you welcomed me, you actually looked at me. You didn’t see me as some troublemaker from down the block. You didn’t look at me as if you were sorry for me. Fuck, you even apologized to me for having to join your group.”
“So?”
“So, it meant a lot to me. You were the first person to look at me as a person—an important one at that. I’ll never forget that.” He lifted an eyebrow and slyly added, “Plus, you were cute too.”
I blushed. “Why are you telling me all this?”
“To let you know how hard it was for me to leave you that night,” he explained. “I’ve loved you since day one and the thought of having to move away broke my heart. When my dad came to pick me up he basically had to drag me to his car. I was kicking and screaming…”
“But?”
He bowed his head. “But I eventually went, willingly at that.”
“Why?” I was being a brat and I knew it.
“He told me I needed to learn how to be a man. A good man. He also told me I shouldn’t even think about being with someone like you until I stopped acting like a fool and bettered myself.”
“Someone like me? What am I like?” I frowned.
“Smart. Generous. Caring. Perfect.” He bit his bottom lip, causing it to plump on one side. “He also told me I wouldn’t want to risk having a relationship end the same way his did. I needed to take myself away from a bad environment to basically break the cycle.”
“And that’s why you cut me off. Like you said, I was a trigger.” I let out a helpless chuckle.
“Yeah, about that…sorry I called you that. It wasn’t true.”
“But you said—”
“I know what I said,” he interrupted. “I guess I was just looking for any excuse to make me feel better about my mistakes. I was always planning on coming back, you know. Just like I promised, I was going to take you with me. But I was weak. When I stopped speaking with you it was because you were off at college. I was certain you had new friends and a new life. Where would I fit into that? You were always steps ahead of me and I was just learning how to walk. I got scared.”
“That’s stupid.” Though I said those words I realized it was exactly how I’ve been feeling ever since he came back from Charleston.
He bowed his head. “I know it was and by the time I realized how dumb I was for being freaked out over nothing, a lot of time had passed. Every time I was going to call you, a new fear set in. Would you want to talk to me? Would you be mad? Pretty soon I found myself worrying that I’d never fully be the man my dad wanted me to be—the man it would take to be good enough for you. I was always afraid that somehow I’d end up like my mom.”
I looked down at the grass and pictured the old flask lying in the middle of the ground. It was strange how familiar this moment felt, but how different it all was. “You had tough times, but I don’t think you would have ever been like her.”
“And see, this is another reason that freaked me out.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You always believed in me more than I believed in myself. I was petrified I’d never be able to live up to that.” He chuckled. “At least Stephanie was never one to hold back her big mouth. She let me know point blank that I was stupid. With you…you always saw the good in me. Do you know how much pressure that was?”
“But you did live up to it. In Charleston it was obvious you made something of yourself. I’m not talking about just opening up the business, but about the way your employees look at you. They respect you. It’s the respect I always thought you deserved.”
“Thanks.”
I nodded sadly. “Admit it. You were never going to come back, were you? If your mom didn’t get sick…You had your new life in Charleston. You weren’t ever going to stay here.”
“No,” he whispered.
I brought my lips together and blew out slowly; creating that perfect fog I had always loved. However, even now it wasn’t enough to comfort me. Echoing his earlier thought, I whispered, “Life happens.”
“Life happens,” he agreed.
I swallowed back what tasted like a bitter pill in my mouth. “You were always planning on finding a nurse for your mom, weren’t you? That’s why you came back to begin with.”
“I did want to take care of her, I really did…but she and I both knew it wasn’t going to work. I mean, a person can only take being called a mistake or stupid so many times.”
“I–I…” My voice trailed off. There didn’t seem to be anything I could say that would be worthy enough.
“From day one she and I started picking nurses together. It was about the closest mother and son activity we ever did since she bought me that flask when I was sixteen. I know I should have tried harder to salvage whatever relationship we have, but I can’t.”
A question gnawed at my insides. “You told me you purposely took the job to see me. Did you think anything was going to happen between us? Were you going to try?”
“I wish I could answer that,” he replied truthfully. “In all honesty—and you know this—I was afraid we didn’t know each other anymore. That you were just a figment of my memory, the picture hanging on my wall.” A soft smile appeared on his lips. “But I was wrong. The moment I saw you I knew I had never once stopped loving you and I was going to try my hardest to finally win your heart…of course throwing flesh lights at your face probably wasn’t a good idea.”
I laughed through tear-filled eyes. “Now that you mentioned it, I was always wondering if you actually bought those for the occasion.”
“No, they’re from my own personal stash,” he replied with a straight face.
“What?” The blood drained from my face.
“I’m kidding! Ew, do you really think I’m into all that?” He let out a hearty chuckle. “You’ve seen my apartment. No floggers and handcuffs there, right?”
My cheeks immediately warmed, imagining him chained to his bed. Get a grip on yourself, Rocky.
“No, I got it from the Hard Shack. Have you ever been there? Good people. Really nice. Just told them I needed some merchandise for a business pitch.”
“Oh, God.”
He grinned. “The box is still in The Dungeon if you ever need it.”
“Ugh, I’ve got to take that out of there before my parents find it.”
He laughed along with me for a bit before our giggles quieted into the night. I gripped my bare hands together, regretting not grabbing mittens. Jesse, noticing the way I continued to blow on them, grabbed both hands and placed them within his gloved ones. Usually this act alone would have caused butterflies to thrash in my stomach, but not this night. There was a heavy weight on my chest. It was the same feeling I had the night he moved away.
“The beginning of the end,” I mumbled.
“What?” He blinked, tightening his hold on my hands.
“Is this why you asked me to meet you here? Is this the beginning of the end all over again?”
His lips tightened. “We tried, Rocky.”
“Did we?” I demanded. “Because it seems to me all we did was mess with each other’s minds, tell each other we loved them and…”
“
Sleep together?” he offered.
“Yeah.” I shook my head and exhaled loudly. “How is that trying?”
“Let me ask you this, what do you want us to be?”
Together? Married? Living happily ever after?
“I…I don’t know how to answer that.”
“Let me rephrase the question. Did you just want us to be a one-night fuck or something that means a lot more?”
I pulled my hands away and frowned. “You know the answer to that.”
He nodded. “Well, the feeling’s mutual, Rocky.” He gestured between us. “I want this to work as much as you do, but how will that happen if we’re both not willing to budge? We’re both freaking stubborn. We always have been.”
I dragged my teeth over my bottom lip and pulled at a loose piece of skin. “I don’t know what to do. How does any relationship happen? Honestly, I haven’t even been in one long enough to know how it all works.”
“What do you mean?”
I grabbed hold of his hand and squeezed hard, worried that he’d vanish into thin air. “I’ve dated, yes. I’ve tried to make things work. Nobody ever lived up to the image I had of you, though. Even Ethan…” My voice trailed off when I noticed Jesse stiffening beside me. Deciding to switch gears, I explained, “Even from a young age I knew you were different. You made me feel things.”
“Horny?”
I laughed and pulled my hand away so I could punch him. “No! I mean, you made me feel like I was brave enough to do anything. You made me feel alive and passionate. I never had that excited feeling with anyone before. I felt…”
He grabbed a hold of my hand again. “Like what?”
“That you complemented me well. Does that make sense?”
“It does.” His eyes brightened momentarily before darkening again. “You told me that you couldn’t imagine moving to Charleston right away, right?”
“I did, but maybe if I…”
“No.” He shook his head. “You were right. How could I have expected you to pack up and move just like that? That was pretty idiotic of me. I guess I got caught up in the fantasy.”
Two Outta Three (Two Outta Three #1) Page 22
