by Diane Ezzard
“I’m sorry I rushed off like I did… er if you want to go for a drink sometime, just as friends, let me know.” Simon’s face was beaming. Just then, Sarah the admin clerk knocked on the door and walked straight in. She brushed straight past me. Simon looked annoyed with her but passed me the Patterson file back and I saw that as my cue to leave.
I went back to my desk. Was I going mad? Asking a married man out for a drink was total insanity. I couldn’t concentrate on my work. Was this infatuation I felt? I kept reliving the short conversation we just had. Did he mean it or was he having a joke at my expense? The more I thought about it, the more worried I got. He had a wife and child and I should stop this now before anything started. What had I been thinking? I tried to push him out of my mind but my feelings towards him definitely shifted. Just the sight of him made me go weak inside. What was going on with me?
I forced myself to get on with my job but found concentrating difficult. The more I tried to push thoughts of Simon aside, the more I kept regurgitating all the conversations we had had recently.
Later that week I was on my lunch hour and I’d gone out to the bank and walked back to work via the canal when I spotted Simon. He smiled and stopped to talk to me.
“I’ve just treated myself to a takeaway burger.” He shook the brown paper bag he had in his hand. He kept glancing around, then back at me.
“I wondered if you would stay late next Monday evening and we can have a proper chat?” Still looking all around, he looked nervous about being watched. My heart was going ten to the dozen. I should do the right thing and say no and put him off.
“Well I do need to see you about the half-year accounts,” I replied.
He winked at me and whispered, “Good, I’ll see you then,” and walked off. I stood transfixed to the spot. I couldn’t believe what I had said. Why had I not said no?
The rest of the week I kept changing my mind about whether I should stay late on Monday. I ought to send him an email and tell him something had come up. Monday evening came and everyone else had left. I wanted to stop what was happening in its tracks before things got out of hand but I had already lost control of my emotions. My whole being was swept up in longing to be with Simon.
I was alone in the office. It wasn’t unusual for me to stay late so I didn’t think there were any raised eyebrows just my own guilty thoughts. The anticipation inside me was indescribable. I sat in the open plan office with most of the lights off apart from the one above my desk. I idly put my emails into folders for something to do because I couldn’t have concentrated on anything else. Simon came out of his room and stood in the doorway.
“Come here, Sophie.” The sexual chemistry was intense. I gladly obliged, and he took me in his arms and began to kiss me gently. My whole body felt on fire. I had nothing inside me to resist his advances.
Chapter Nineteen
THEN
It was hard keeping my feelings about Simon to myself. I would lie awake at night next to Kyle, wishing he would disappear and be magically replaced by Simon. Our affair progressed quickly. We spent as much time as we could together. Simon and I stopped going out with the others on a Friday night, both making different excuses why we couldn’t make it. We felt sure the team suspected but nothing was even hinted at.
I loved the thrill of scheming and concocting lies so we could spend time with each other. It made it easier working in the same office and we would make up random courses to go on to use as excuses to tell our respective partners about. I was sure our colleagues must have started to question the fact we were often on annual leave at the same time. I didn’t think Kyle had any idea. He was so wrapped up in his own world. As long as he got fed and had a roof over his head, he seemed happy enough.
Simon and I never discussed our partners much. We didn’t want to burst the bubble of what we had created and we did a good job of keeping things quiet. For six months, we were cunning and devious with our plans. Although there was a certain excitement about it all, I didn’t feel good about myself. There was a part of me that felt really guilty about what I was doing and the way I dealt with it was to drink more. I was leading a secret life I hadn’t even divulged to my closest friends.
At first, our relationship was lust based and purely physical but I enjoyed Simon’s company and I looked up to him. I respected what he had achieved in his life. I suspected it was all going to end in tears but I allowed my feelings to ride the tide. Coming up with lies and living in secrecy took its toll, and I became increasingly anxious. There was an incident where we went out to a quiet country pub near Burr’s park and we were sat in one of the alcoves when we saw a couple from work.
“Simon, don’t look now but have you spotted who it is?” I began to shake. The last thing I wanted was to be seen.
“Shit. Drink up. We better get out of here.” We both grabbed our jackets and managed to sneak out the back. Once we were outside, we started laughing about it.
“That was a close shave,” Simon said. I smiled, but I didn’t know how much longer I could go on living this way. I was pretty sure Simon was going through similar concerns as one evening he broke down crying.
“I love my son, Sophie. I couldn’t imagine him not being there every day in my life but I can’t stop seeing you. This is tearing me apart but I don’t want it to end.” I stared longingly into his eyes. I was growing increasingly fond of him and I’d started to pine for him when we weren’t together. The only way I could deal with not being with him all the time was to get drunk.
We weren’t usually able to see each other at weekends and being apart from him began to affect me. I so longed to be with him. All the time I was with Kyle, I thought of Simon. I tried not to obsess about him and his wife but it cut me up. I’d got into the bad habit of drinking alone when I didn’t see him. Kyle no longer paid me any attention. He did his own thing. Every night on my way home from work I would stop at a different off-licence and buy my supply of booze. I couldn’t wait to get home to have a drink.
Walking into the kitchen, my first priority was to open a bottle of wine. The excitement I felt as I poured the liquid into the glass made me giddy. I drained the first glass and poured myself another. That one went down as fast as the first. I shuddered at the sharp dry taste but it hadn’t been the taste I’d been yearning for, it was the effect it had on my body. It had already begun to work its magic. I began to feel dreamy, becoming more oblivious to my surroundings with each mouthful. Before long, I had forgotten all my troubles. Within a short time, the full bottle had gone, and I started on the next.
My secret affair with Simon had been just that, secret. I hadn’t even confided in my best friend Angela about what was going on between us. I suppose I reckoned she would judge me. The stress of leading a double life was getting out of control. My drinking too was mainly done in isolation now. I didn’t want anyone to know how heavy my alcohol consumption had got.
I thought to myself, if this is what it’s like being a secret agent, then I won’t be applying for the job. I had a constant knot in my stomach. Fear worked its way through my whole body. I worried everyone was talking about me and I had an ever-present dread I would be found out that I was not who I said I was. From time to time, I would go into the toilets at work and look at myself hard in the mirror. I was convinced people must know what I was doing, and I needed to see if there were any telltale signs on my face. They would soon find out I was a fraud. It was horrendous living in my skin.
With me and Simon, we realised the longer it went on, the harder it would be to be to keep things quiet. We began to make mistakes trying to cover our tracks. We had a rare weekend away in the Cotswolds. It was idyllic. We’d told our partners we were attending a trade show at the NEC. Simon found it difficult to stop Linda from wanting to come but their dog, Molly got ill. She had to stay at home to take it to the vets, much to our relief.
We booked into a lovely little B & B in Moreton in the Marsh. I enjoyed being able to play the part of a rea
l girlfriend. We spent a nice day going to a folk festival in Warwick, having a romantic picnic in the grounds of the Castle and walking hand in hand without having to look around to see if anyone had seen us. I’d bought a new dress for the occasion. It was white with red roses on and its tight fit showed off my figure. It wasn’t my usual style as it was very feminine but I hoped Simon would like it, and I felt good in it. It worked because Simon couldn’t keep his hands off me. We behaved like two love sick puppies. He looked as dashing as ever, sporting his designer sunglasses on top of his head. The weather was really hot. It was blissful, and I didn’t want it to end. We went out to a little bistro that evening for a meal.
“I’ve never been so happy, Simon,” I smiled across the table at him and passed my hand over to hold his. It felt good to be able to show my affection in public without any fear of being seen.
He cupped my hand with both of his and said, “I wish this weekend would last forever.”
Our feelings of euphoria were short lived. We woke up on Sunday morning with a headache, the after effects of having devoured two bottles of red wine with our meal. Simon’s phone rang. He looked at me. Was the bubble about to burst?.
“Okay, buddy, How are you?” It was Mark. Simon put him on loudspeaker.
“Have you seen the Sunday papers, mate?” He sounded excited.
“No, why?” Simon asked
“I think you’d better go and take a look pronto. There’s a picture in of you and Sophie,” and Mark left it at that without saying anything further. We looked at each other, puzzled. We got dressed and went and bought a paper and sat down to read through it. Feverishly flicking through the pages, it didn’t take long to see what Mark had been talking about. As we opened it up, right there larger than life was a picture of the pair of us arm in arm, walking in the castle’s grounds. We glanced at it then at each other. Simon got up out of the chair. He started pacing the floor then kept looking back at the photograph. There was no denying it was us. All we could pray for was no one other than Mark had seen it.
On Monday morning, we’d arranged to meet up before work so we could walk in together to show solidarity. The reaction that met us wasn’t what I expected. The guys started clapping and cheering. They patted Simon on the back.
“You’re a dark horse, Simon.”
“You kept that one quiet didn’t you, mate.” Simon looked like he enjoyed the attention and the various comments flying through the air. He was treated almost hero like by the lads but the total opposite happened to me. All the women at work shunned me. The news got around like wildfire. When I went into the HR department later that day, I saw the whispering as I walked across the floor. I tried to brazen things out, but it cut me up. Whatever they said about me, I had said to myself only ten times worse. At home, I was lucky, Kyle hadn’t seen the paper, and I didn’t think he knew anyone who might have seen it but Simon had a bit more explaining to do with Linda. She spotted the photograph and thought it was him. It took him a couple of hours to convince her he had never been anywhere near Warwick so it couldn’t possibly be him.
I began to think my life was slipping away from me. I thought more and more about Simon’s wife Linda. How would she feel if she found out about the affair? I had no intention of hurting anyone and I knew if it was me, I’d be devastated. So I was full of guilt. I struggled to cope at home. I could no longer be bothered to cook for Kyle so he ate takeaways. The money situation wasn’t good; mainly because the amount I drank ate into the household budget.
I realised deep down I had to do something about my drinking but just not today. Today I would just have a couple of glasses of wine to change the way I felt. Trouble was it was never just a couple of glasses and it was always tomorrow I would stop. The sad fact was I drank myself to oblivion nearly every night, and the booze had got a hold of me. Because I always managed to get up for work the next day, I didn’t think things were that bad. However, I could see my life was going downhill fast, and I became afraid to think about what the future might have in store for me.
For me, everything was coming to a head. I failed my accountancy exams for the second time. I no longer had Nick on the same course helping me. I didn’t have the motivation to give to my studies because drinking was now my priority. I was struggling. Simon even commented he was concerned about the amount of alcohol I put away but he didn’t know the half of it and I didn’t seem able to slow down. I constantly felt jittery and needed a drink to make me feel calmer. My mind raced around.
I hated that I was cheating on Kyle and the reputation I now had at work. All the women stopped talking to me completely. Simon told me to ignore them but it was hard, knowing there was such an atmosphere and I was the cause of it. The only way I had of dealing with my unhappiness was to drink more. I noticed a change in Simon as well. He got more stressed. A few weeks after our weekend away I walked into his office and he nearly jumped out of his skin. He looked like a child who had been caught with his finger in the pie.
“What’s wrong, Simon?” I frowned at him.
“Oh, nothing, nothing. I’ve got a few issues with a major client, that’s all.” I noticed the files on his desk and saw they belonged to Colin Scanlon, the MP. His eyes followed mine, and he spotted that I had seen the name on the file. I looked puzzled.
“What’s all this Simon?” I knew all our major clients and Colin Scanlon wasn’t one of them. His face went bright red.
It didn’t help matters that I wasn’t overly fond of Colin Scanlon, to say the least. I had met him on a number of occasions and found him to be pompous, arrogant and obnoxious but he was a friend of Simon’s. They played golf together. I couldn’t understand how Simon would want someone like him as a friend but I began to see. Simon was very much a social climber. When he met someone, the first thing he wanted to know about them was what they did for a living rather than their name. He wanted to determine if they would be any use to him.
I still looked at Simon between glancing back at the file and in a low voice I quizzed, “He’s not a corporate client is he?” Simon visibly squirmed in his seat.
“I’ve helped him out as a favour.”
“I don’t understand, Simon. You could lose your job over something like this. Surely, this is a conflict of interest.” Simon looked annoyed and closed the file, putting it in his briefcase.
“Keep your voice down Sophie. He’s got himself in a mess and I’ve been helping sort it out.”
“Simon, are you mad, for Christ’s sake?” I was livid. “If the DTI get wind of anything wrong, you would be implicated. You don’t want to get involved with…” I spoke between gritted teeth but Simon cut me off.
“They won’t Sophie.” He gave me a stern look. “Sophie, the least you know about this the better.”
I couldn’t believe Simon would get mixed up in any wrongdoing. His integrity had always been one of the things I looked up to in him. In that moment, he went right down in my estimation.
Looking at Simon coldly, I spat, “Well I hope he’s paying you well.” Simon had been enticed by greed.
He tried a half-hearted smile saying, “I’m hoping to get a new car.” I tutted in disgust. Seeing I wasn’t impressed he added, “I’ll take you away for a break to the Seychelles or somewhere like that, Soph.” I looked at him, thinking, the sheer audacity of the man. I turned on my heels and stomped my way to the door.
Turning my head, I glared at him and cried, “No Simon, you won’t be taking me anywhere,” and I opened the door and walked out, slamming it behind me.
One Friday night, I came home from work early. I hadn’t been able to meet up with Simon for our usual evening together as it was Linda’s birthday and he was taking her out. I was feeling bitterness towards him. Why couldn’t he take Linda out on Saturday, I thought and see me as usual on Friday? He insisted though saying he didn’t want her to start getting suspicious.
That night, I’d already drunk half a bottle of vodka on the journey home by mixing it with orange
juice and thinking no one knew. I swigged it down whilst sat on the tram. I walked into the kitchen. I smelt fish and chips. Kyle had already been to the chippy and got his own. I was annoyed he hadn’t thought to ask me. Although I was eating less and less and only fancied something light anyway to go with the bottle of wine I bought.
I decided I’d have egg on toast and I went to open the bread bin but all that was there were crumbs. I started looking around the kitchen. I remembered there had been a few slices of bread left this morning. I began wildly searching for the loaf.
“Kyle, where’s the bread?” I shouted. No reply.
“Kyle, have you eaten all the bread?” I screamed.
He walked in smiling, “Yeah I had a couple of sandwiches earlier.” I was fuming. I couldn’t believe how selfish he’d been. A red mist began to take over me. I had had enough. I started to pick things up and throw them around the kitchen. I grabbed a cup and smashed it against the wall.
“How dare you eat the last slice and not tell me,” I cried. He looked at me puzzled.
“Sophie, it’s bread.” I would not see reason. I started to pound his chest with my fists.
“How could you, how could you,” I sobbed. Then Kyle changed, He had had enough of listening to my madness.
“You stupid bitch, what’s wrong with you.” A full-scale row then erupted. We came close to fighting physically but Kyle saw sense and removed himself from the kitchen. Through tears, I opened the drawer and got out the corkscrew. I quickly popped open the bottle of wine then stormed upstairs with it.
I drank the wine, and I also had some more vodka hidden in the wardrobe which I devoured until I passed out. I woke up early on Saturday morning. Kyle wasn’t beside me. I badly needed a glass of water. I tiptoed downstairs and staggered into the kitchen. I bypassed the bathroom and any thoughts of having a shower or brushing my teeth. I was retching. The nausea didn’t subside as I sat down at the table.
