by Misty Boyd
She went down the hall, meeting her mother halfway between her bedroom and the living room. “Hey, kiddo, I was coming to get you. You ready for this?”
“I’m as ready as I’m going to get,” Carissa said as calmly as she could, then ended it on a positive note. “Let’s do it!”
Sarah smiled down at her. “You nervous?”
“A little,” Carissa admitted, taking the lead and heading to the front door.
Sarah picked up the car keys and followed. “Yeah, me, too. But God is in control. He’s already waiting for you in the MRI machine, warming it up for you.”
“Sure, Mom. God is warming up the MRI machine. Whatever you say.” Man, her mom was weird sometimes.
The car ride was quiet. Carissa had too much on her mind to make small talk, and Sarah let her daughter have the silence she needed. Besides, there were prayers to be said.
They arrived at the hospital and went to the familiar check-in desk. The woman at the front checked Carissa in and told them to wait in the lobby. After what seemed like a lifetime, a lady with short brown hair and wearing pink scrubs came around the corner and called her name. It was time.
“I’ll be back, Mom.” The fight to be her own person was still strong in her. She could handle this. Her mom would be right outside. How bad could it be? It was just pictures, just like an x-ray, she told herself.
“All right, if you’re sure you don’t need me,” Sarah said.
Carissa could tell her mom secretly wanted to insist on coming with her, but she didn’t. She followed the brown-haired woman down the hall to the MRI suite, where she was told to put on the tiniest, most revealing, thin gown on the planet, and hop up on a long, narrow table with a tube on the end. “I’m going in there?”
“Yes, ma’am.” The woman handed her something with a smile. “Just put these earplugs in and hold this button. It gets kind of loud in there. You’ll hear some banging and buzzing. Don’t worry. That’s all normal,” she reassured Carissa. “The button is in case you need to come out for any reason. Push it, and I’ll come running. Some people get nervous and need a breather. Don’t hesitate to push it if you get scared or just need anything. I’ll be in that little booth back there taking pictures.” She pointed to a glass-walled enclosure to Carissa’s left.
“Yes, ma’am. Thank you.” Carissa laid down on the long, thin table, and the tech put a pillow under her head and another behind her knees for comfort.
“All right, Miss Schultz, I’ll see you in about forty-five minutes. Don’t forget your button.”
Carissa felt her body moving into the narrow tube head first on the sliding platform. Once in, she understood the need for the button. The tube was so narrow that it was just inches from her face as she lay there, giving her an instant feeling of claustrophobia. “Forty-five minutes of this? Oh, boy. Don’t push the button.”
Carissa laid there for what seemed forever. It could have been hours. Days, even. She was stuck in a tube she barely fit in. This was definitely the least fun she’d had in a long while. She hoped this would be the only time for this test. She wasn’t sure she’d voluntarily lie down for another one. “Don’t push the button,” she reminded herself.
The soothing voice came through the earphones again. “How you doing in there, Carissa? Just a few more minutes. You’re doing great! I’m getting some wonderful pictures out here. Just keep still for me.”
“I’m okay,” Carissa lied as she reminded herself again not to push the button. A few minutes later, she felt movement. She was coming out of the tube. Thank God, it was over.
“You did great, Carissa!” The tech was standing next to her now, smiling. “I’ve had grown men push that button on me and come flying out of there like lightning. But you were fantastic. You ready to go back out to Mom?”
“Yes, ma’am.” Carissa was certainly ready. Ready to be out of this room and to never come back. And maybe more than a little ready for some Mom TLC. Carissa transferred back into her chair and went to the room where she had left all her clothes to get dressed again.
Once Carissa was dressed and back out in the MRI room, the tech handed her a CD of her scan, telling her to make sure to bring it to her neurosurgeon when she saw him, then she escorted Carissa out to the lobby where her mom sat.
“Hey, kid!” Carissa saw relief in her mom’s smile. “How’d it go? Did you rock it?”
Carissa smiled back, although she wasn’t feeling that relieved. “It was a narrow tube. I felt like I was buried alive.”
“Hey, you know who else was buried and got out? Jesus. He had you the whole time. He was never gonna let you get stuck in there.” Sarah gave her daughter a huge hug.
“Yeah, I guess not.” Carissa let her mom hold on for a minute because it made them both feel better.
After that, Sarah picked up her purse. “Ice cream for old times’ sake?”
“Sure.” Carissa was always up for ice cream, and the thought made her smile as she led the way out of the medical center.
After they got in the car and belted up, Sarah said, “Call your dad at work and tell him you’re done and we’ll be home after a dairy treat. Tell him I love him.”
Carissa called her dad from her cell and told him all about the MRI, and how fun it was. She was sure he could smell her sarcasm over the phone.
“Okay, kid,” he said, his cheerful voice booming over the phone, “not too much ice cream. Tell your mom not to spoil her dinner, whatever she’s cooking. Lord knows we’ll die if I cook. Love you both! Be careful out there.”
He always made her smile, and now was no exception. “Love you, too, Dad.”
She hung up right as her mom pulled up to the local ice cream shop. “Are you getting sprinkles? I’m getting sprinkles. We deserve sprinkles.” And it was decided. Mom said sprinkles, and so it would be.
Carissa got out of the car and they headed into the shop. They ordered ridiculous amounts of ice cream and sprinkles, exactly as Jim had instructed them not to do. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. They scarfed giant spoonfuls until they both thought they would pop.
When they were almost done, Sarah reached over and took Carissa’s hand. “How are you feeling, Carissa? Ready for these results? Nervous?”
“A little nervous. I mean, that CD has the results. It says whether I need surgery or not. My future, at least my immediate future, is on that disc. It’s hard to just have it in my purse and know it has all the answers. I want to know what’s on it but, at the same time, I’m scared to death of what it says. I dunno. I guess I just want all of this to be behind me.”
Sarah patted her hand, giving her a gentle smile. “I know, sweetie. And it will be. Soon, this will just be another time in the long list of times you’ve come and conquered. I have faith in you. I’ve seen what you can do. I have no doubt you’ll be fine.”
Carissa hoped so. They collected and threw away their ice cream trash and hit the road toward home.
“Well, hello, ladies!” Jim said as they walked in the door. “Good ice cream? Good girl time? How are my girls?”
“We’re good, Dad!” Carissa rolled over to give her dad a hug, while Sarah closed the door behind them.
“Fantastic! Hey, I was thinking, since you guys have had such a long day, why don’t we just order pizza and pop in a movie for the night? Give the chef a break?”
“That would be great,” Sarah answered.
Jim got on the phone to order the usual, large pepperoni and mushrooms, extra cheese. It was the only pizza they could all agree on. They munched, and laughed at some random Netflix movie Jim picked about a B-level super hero in Tokyo. He sure could pick ’em.
When the movie was over, Carissa did her nighttime routine, then crawled into bed and tried to give the MRI results over to God. She couldn’t wait until church on Sunday. Maybe the pastor would preach on something that would help her relax about all of it. If God wanted to, He could even change the MRI results on the disc as it sat in her purse. He could do a
nything. Carissa just had to trust He knew what was best. He always had before. He’d never let her down.
Chapter 12
“I had fun tonight, Jim,” Sarah told her husband as she changed into her nightgown. “I think that was what we all needed to get our minds off of everything. Thank you for ordering pizza. I truly didn’t have the energy to cook anything. And that movie? A slug super hero in Tokyo? Sometimes I wonder about your life choices!”
Jim went through his nighttime routine, too, dropping the change from his pockets into the dish on the dresser and laying his wallet next to it before going into the bathroom to brush his teeth. “Hey, one of my life choices was you. I don’t get it wrong ALL the time, do I?”
Sarah laughed, waiting until he’d finished to say, “Well, I am a good choice. You certainly made ONE good decision.”
“You and Carissa. My two best decisions,” he said, climbing into bed. “I think I’ll keep you both.”
She leaned over to give him a kiss. “You don’t have a choice, Jim. You signed on the line. You’re stuck with me.”
He returned her kiss, then switched off his lamp. “And I’d have it no other way. Good night, love.”
“Goodnight, Jim.”
* * *
Saturday was quiet around the Schultz home. Carissa slept in, so Jim and Sarah had the morning to themselves.
“Coffee, hon?” Sarah asked Jim as he greeted her in the kitchen, still in his flannel pajamas.
“I need it,” he responded, stretching like a bear coming out of hibernation.
She poured coffee into his favorite mug and brought it to him, running her fingers through his silver hair as he took the first hot sip. Black. He’d taken it that way as long as she’d known him. They met freshman year of high school, and she had known her fate was sealed. He was the one, come what may. Neither of them could have known then, though, what would come. They’d waited until after college to get married, and they struggled with infertility for years in the beginning.
When Carissa made her appearance on that little stick in the bathroom, Jim and Sarah were over the moon. They were having a baby! Nothing else mattered. The pregnancy had gone perfectly. Sarah was a champ at being pregnant, once she finally managed to get that way. Hardly any morning sickness, but a craving for pickles and cheese dip like you’ve never seen. Together. She’d dip the whole pickle into the jar of cheese dip, take a bite, then dip again. Jim said it ruined the cheese dip, the way the pickle juice invaded the cheese, but if that’s what the little growing peanut needed, that’s what the little peanut got.
At the anatomy ultrasound, the one where they were to find out the sex of the baby, they discovered that Peanut would, in fact, be named Carissa. It was a fantastic day. They were ecstatic for their little girl. Only later did they find out the gender scan was the typical D Day, or Diagnosis Day, for most parents.
Carissa’s spina bifida was small, and went unnoticed on the scan. It wasn’t until her birth that they found out the challenges she might face. For Jim and Sarah, their only daughter’s birthday would be D Day. It was the best and decidedly hardest day of their marriage up to that point.
The doctor came in and started spewing big words that spelled doom for their little six-pound princess, who was whisked away in emergency fashion just as soon as she entered the world. Jim and Sarah hadn’t even gotten to hold her. Jim had been able to lay eyes on her for a moment before they took her, but Sarah hadn’t seen her at all.
Jim could remember everything. He remembered Sarah lying there, exhausted from the birth, as the doctor spewed the words that would change their lives forever. “The infant has myelomeningocele spina bifida, obvious hydrocephalus, and possible Chiari malformation. It will never walk, talk, or feed itself. It was a mistake to bring it into the world. I’m sorry. I wish we had caught this sooner. We could have done something.”
“It? IT? That’s my daughter. The INFANT is my daughter. Her name is Carissa. She is my little girl. She is not an ‘it’ and you will not call her that again,” Jim shouted at the doctor. He couldn’t help it. He had only seen her for a moment, but he was already in love, and this doctor was talking about her as if she were some kind of monster.
“I’m sorry,” the doctor replied warily, stepping back from Jim. “It’s just… if we had known… this didn’t have to happen. We could have stopped the pregnancy. I’m just so sorry. Mr. Schultz, she’s dying. The spina bifida alone will kill her. These babies don’t live. If the spina bifida doesn’t kill her, the hydrocephalus will. It’s just a matter of time. The spina bifida will likely get infected and, even if it doesn’t, the hydrocephalus… there’s excess fluid on her brain. The brain is being crushed. I’m so sorry. I wish we had known to end this.”
“END THIS? You mean abortion! We would never! You will not say that in front of my wife again! You will treat my daughter! You will do what you can to save her life and, if God sees fit, He can take her, but you will not speak of killing her again!” Jim paced around the room like a caged tiger, livid at what the doctor had implied. He could never kill his daughter. He didn’t care what the doctors thought was wrong with her.
“Yes, sir. We’ll do what we can. But you need to know…”
“I know! Now go treat my daughter!” Jim raised his hand in the air and pointed toward the door and, with that, the doctor left the new mom and dad alone.
The whole day exploded from the happiest day of their lives to the absolute scariest in just minutes. They couldn’t have known in college that their fairy tale would turn this direction.
“Jim, what’s he saying?” Sarah asked in her drugged haze.
“That doctor is spewing nonsense and calling Carissa ‘It’ like she’s not even a person! That’s what’s going on!” Jim came to Sarah’s side, trying to settle himself, but still shaken from everything the doctor had said. Hydro-what was it? “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to get her the best treatment available. If she doesn’t live, it’ll be because God took her, not because we didn’t give it our all.”
“Jim, what is spina bifida? Is that the word he used?” Sarah raised up on her elbows in bed.
“Yes. I don’t know what it is. All I know is we’re going to give her everything we have until we have no more to give. After that, we rely on God.”
As soon as Sarah was able to get out of bed the next day, she and Jim went down to see their girl. They wanted to KNOW her, whatever time she had on Earth.
When they arrived in the NICU, they came upon a bruised, squishy, potato lump of baby, all wrapped in gauze, with tubes coming out of just about every place you could stick a tube, and then some places Sarah wasn’t sure you were supposed to. Tears streamed down her face and she struggled to stand as she saw her baby in such a condition.
Jim saw her waver and reached out to grab her so she wouldn’t fall. “Look how strong our girl is,” he told her. “She’s so brave and strong, and we have to be that way, too. She’ll lead us.” He tried to bring comfort to both his wife and himself, but inside he felt like Sarah looked. Scared, overwhelmed, broken, helpless.
A tall, thin black woman in black scrubs came from across the room, pulling on a pair of gloves. “Hi, I’m Denise, Carissa’s nurse. I assume you’re Mom and Dad?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Jim answered, still holding tight to Sarah, who was crying softly.
“She’s doing well, all things considered,” said Denise, her voice soothing. “Her lesion looks good. No signs of infection, and we’re closing it later today. Would you like to see it?”
Jim and Sarah were afraid, but they still wanted to know their girl. All of her. Even the scary parts.
Denise removed the gauze from Carissa’s back, and Sarah began to weep uncontrollably. Here was the thing the doctors said was killing her baby, and now she understood. There was a hole about the size of a quarter, bleeding and spilling out things Sarah was sure were supposed to stay inside. She was devastated. She couldn’t hold Carissa for fear of damaging her
spine further. She couldn’t comfort her. She could only look at this sweet bundle of hopes and dreams, and pray to God she could beat the odds. Sarah wasn’t sure, looking at Carissa, that she could. She turned into Jim’s arms, burying her face in the comfort of his warmth.
“Let’s go to the chapel,” Jim said.
The nurse told them she would call them when it was time for the surgery, so Sarah agreed to leave Carissa for a short time. She and Jim found the chapel close by, and they had prayed there, crying out and begging God to help for what seemed like a lifetime.
Before long, Jim’s hospital pager signaled that it was time to come hand their baby girl off to the surgeon. That was the first time they trusted a surgeon with the life of their child. They had done it again and again and, if the tests from Friday showed what they might, they would do it again soon.
This morning, Sarah remembered how hard it had been to hand their baby over each time and how hard it would be now, even though Carissa wasn’t a baby anymore.
“Jim, how do we do this every time? How? I don’t want to let another surgeon cut my baby,” she cried. “I don’t want to hand my only child over and put her life into someone else’s hands again. How do we do this?”
Jim hugged her tight, smoothing her hair. “I don’t know, Sarah. We just do, I guess. And we trust God to grab her hand when we let go.”
Chapter 13
Carissa came down the hallway, her hair a mess and sleep still clouding her face. “Hey, what’s for breakfast?” At almost 11 a.m., brunch sounded more reasonable.
Her mom looked up with a smile. “Well, your dad and I had eggs and toast. You slept through it, but I can make more.”
Carissa shook her head, heading for the coffee maker. “Oh, no, that’s okay. Is there still coffee?”
“Yep. Still warm. I got you a cup down this morning. Have at it,” Sarah laughed, knowing Carissa’s love for coffee. “Get your go juice! Are you sure I can’t make you something?”
