by S. L. Naeole
Because every single day, every single moment, I missed him. I missed him so much and it physically hurt. My eyes would close and I’d feel his lips on mine. I’d hear his voice in my ear telling me to suck in his finger. I’d feel his body press to mine and I knew as soon as I opened my eyes, he’d disappear while the yearning, the longing, and the endless loneliness wouldn’t.
He occupied my dreams like the stars occupied the sky, and his absence tore at my waking moments just as devastatingly as if the memory of him bore claws. I bled from the loss of him, both in blood and tears. In just a few short months, he’d become as much a part of me as my skin, and being without him made me feel more exposed, more naked than I had chained to that sofa. Being without him, without his love, his trust, his touch, had left me feeling more vulnerable and defenseless than anything else ever had.
Those days and weeks without him felt like learning how to walk again, learning how to breathe. And I hated every single minute.
Finally, after two months I emerged from my room and sat down on the couch, taking in the slight changes the girls had made to the apartment in preparation for Kara marrying Roy and moving out. They’d already shifted the furniture around since Kara was taking one of the loveseats that Lara had made to the apartment she would share with Roy. A bookshelf that we’d scavenged and repainted was also gone. Two days later I went outside to check the mailbox, and even skimmed through the celebrity gossip magazine that Lara was subscribed to. A neighbor saw me and waved shyly. I waved back before returning to the apartment, breathless.
Two weeks later, I went to a dress fitting with Kara at Holly’s studio at MOAT, the first time I’d stepped foot in there since before shit hit the fan. Kara’s dress—a stunning creation in white chiffon, lace, and satin that looked like a mix of fairy magic and succubus sex—had come together at the last minute with Holly and Kara brainstorming over drinks and conversations about me.
Apparently, my misery was great inspiration.
The night of Kara’s bachelorette party also happened to be my twenty-sixth birthday. We held a joint celebration at the apartment, with some of Kara’s friends from work coming over and all of us enjoying bottles of wine, Chinese take-out, and a Bridget Jones’ Diary marathon before opening gifts. Kara received a lot of lingerie, a copy of the Kama Sutra, and a frying pan which Lara said had been part of the family for generations.
“Grandma and Mom both called it the ref because whenever one of them picked it up, it immediately called whatever argument they were having with Gramps and Dad.”
When it was my turn to open birthday presents, I smiled at the brushes that Vonne had purchased for me and thanked Holly for the dress she’d made. Lara had reupholstered and painted a new chair for me to go in my room along with the desk that Del had given me, and Kara had purchased my favorite book series—Anne of Green Gables—in a leather-bound set.
Holly then handed me a gift bag with a bright blue bow. “This is from Lyle,” she said with a shy smile.
Surprised, I took the bag and unwrapped it. Beneath baby blue paper was a square box. I opened the box and grinned, pulling out the contents. “He took you,” I said to her as I held up the mug with packets of Serendipity’s frozen hot chocolate mix stuffed inside.
Nodding, she blushed. “He said you’d suggested it.”
Remembering that conversation I’d had with him in the car, I felt a burst of sadness strike me because that was the day Mal and I’d finally made love. I’d tried my hardest to not think about him because doing so only brought on a torrential downpour of tears that didn’t stop until I was a hacking, hiccupping mess.
“I did,” I said, inhaling deeply to ease the pain in my heart and keep myself from bursting into another round of tears. “He said he was going to treat you like a princess.”
The other ladies in the apartment “aaawed” at that, and soon the topic of conversation switched to Holly and Lyle’s relationship. I was glad for the distraction as I cleared up the wrapping paper and carried what presents I could to my room.
As I placed Kara’s books onto my bookshelf and my brushes into my brush cup, my eyes caught another gift sitting on my dresser, one that I had refused to open. It had arrived earlier that morning along with a bouquet of wildflowers. There had been no note, but the return address on the package told me clearly from whom they were from. I’d put the flowers into a vase and placed it in Kara’s room but left the box untouched.
Knowing that whatever was in it would keep until after Kara’s wedding, I returned to the living room just in time for a stripper named Ivan and his magical Russian snake.
Kara’s Christmas Eve wedding was beautiful.
As a bridesmaid, I stood next to Lara and Holly, my eyes filled with tears as she walked down the aisle and took her place beside her soon-to-be husband. She and Roy said their own vows, which they totally screwed up on, and we’d laughed and cried with each thoughtful, humorous word. They both dropped the rings, sending up another peal of laughter, and then forgot that they had a priest and Kara’s great-grandpa Herbert in the audience during their heated kiss.
I was completely jealous, but also incredibly happy. My chest was filled with joy because they were about to embark on a beautiful adventure together, while at the same time a hollowness threatened to suffocate it as my thumb brushed against the bare skin of my left-hand ring finger. I’d been doing that often lately, the emptiness there reminding me that at one time, even if only briefly, I’d been pretty close to that kind of happiness, too.
If only I’d reached out and taken it instead of clinging to my fear.
Lara, as the maid-of-honor, gave a brilliantly touching and funny speech about growing up as Kara’s twin, and when it was time for the bride to throw her bouquet, she instead split it up into individual flowers and gave all of her single friends a blossom. All except me, because I’d specifically told her not to. Instead, she gave me Vonne’s, who had a last-minute meeting that she couldn’t get out of and would show up to the reception late.
Holly, wearing the off-the-rack bridesmaid dress she absolutely hated, had surprised everyone and brought Lyle as her date. Because of everything that had happened with Mal—Michael, Lyle thought it would be easier for me to keep his distance; this was the first time I’d seen him since California. He’d sat quietly at the long table that the bridal party was seated at, with Holly nestled between us preventing me from talking to him, though I did sneak glances at him to make sure that he wasn’t feeling uncomfortable. When Holly excused herself to go to the restroom, I took the opportunity to thank him for his birthday present, leaning over her empty seat so that he could hear me.
I did not want to know how Mal was doing.
“You’re very welcome,” he said with an elated grin. “In truth, I should be thanking you. You were so right on the money with the Serendipity thing, we’ll probably name the kid after you,” Lyle said before slapping his hand over his forehead and groaning.
My eyes bulged. “Kid?!”
“I wasn’t supposed to say anything,” he said, his face paling as his eyes darted around to see if anyone had overheard. “She didn’t want anyone to know until her first trimester is over. We just found out a couple of weeks ago,” he confessed.
Shock settled into elation as I moved forward into Holly’s seat to hug him. He wrapped his arms around me tentatively before returning the hug with full force. I laughed, my eyes filling with tears of joy at the idea of a baby. The first baby of our group.
“This is such amazing news,” I told him when he released me.
He smiled sadly. “It is, isn’t it? I always wanted to be a dad, you know? I…lost mine a while ago, but I remember what he was like. He was a mean sonofabitch, and I hated him. I hated him my whole life, and I swore that I’d never be like him. Never make the mistakes he made. Now I can keep that promise.”
A part of me understood how he felt. My own parents hadn’t been mean or hateful. They’d loved me in their own way, but th
e responsibility of life and me were sometimes too much for them to take. I’d seen the strain it had put on them and their marriage, which was why I had tried to help in whatever way I could. I’d never thought of having children of my own, of trying to be better, of giving them more of me than my parents had. It was a luxury that I’d never expected to want, or have, but as the news of Holly’s pregnancy settled in me, I realized that I did. I wanted it.
And I knew who I wanted it with.
“So have you guys discussed where you’re gonna live? Here or Cali?” I asked, telling myself that I wanted to know because of Holly’s parents and how thrilled they’d be to have their grandbaby there to watch grow up.
Lyle shook his head. “There’s no discussion necessary. I mean, since the transfer of all corporate operations was finalized two months ago, New York’s been my home. I sold my apartment in L.A. and bought a brownstone just outside the city.”
“So the transfer took place,” I noted simply, not wanting to sound too interested in what was going on in Mal’s life.
Tell me everything.
A knowing smile crossed his lips and he nodded. “There’s more to offer Mal here than in California.”
I wanted to ask what he meant by that but Holly returned then. I slid back into my seat and she puffed out a long breath of air as she sat in her chair. She smiled broadly at Lyle and then at me. “So what were you guys talking about?”
“Lyle was just telling me about buying a brownstone,” I told her.
At my words, her smile grew toothy. “Isn’t that great news? He’s here now, full-time!”
Nodding at her words, I reached for my glass of champagne and took a sip of the cool, fizzy liquid. Lyle also took a long gulp of his while my eyes didn’t miss Holly’s hand reaching for her water glass instead. It immediately drew my attention to the night before, when everyone else had drunk daiquiris and mimosas while Holly had sipped pleasantly on plain orange juice.
So had I, I realized.
Dinner was served and as we all dug into our meals, I continued to think about Lyle’s words, about how New York held more for Mal than California did. I knew he meant professionally, but the idea that maybe, just maybe I could have been part of the reason he didn’t cancel the transfer filled me with hope.
My thoughts drifted swiftly to the box perched on my dresser. I’d come close to opening it earlier, but had steeled myself away from it at the last minute, convincing myself that the gift had been nothing but a courtesy, something that he’d probably bought before he’d walked away and ended our relationship. But now?
“I’ve gotta go to the restroom,” I whispered to Holly as I pushed my chair back.
“Okay,” she said brightly before returning to her food.
Lara’s date next to me stood as I did, his smile friendly. I smiled back in appreciation and then slipped past everyone to the doors that exited the ballroom and led to the bathroom down the hall. The reception was being held in a small inn, the same inn where Roy’s parents had gotten married thirty-six years ago. It was also where Kara and Roy had first had sex, Lara had pointed out during her speech. The men’s restroom—stall three to be exact. Lara had suggested a memorial plaque be placed on the door.
After I’d flushed the toilet and washed my hands, I did my best to fix my dress and hair, noting how much makeup had to be applied to my face to hide my dark circles and hollowed cheeks. I looked healthy, glowing, despite the reality I knew lay beneath the mask. Anyone looking at me would simply think whatever diet I was on was working.
Nothing trims the waist quicker than a broken heart.
Another woman came to stand beside me at the mirror. She was adjusting her dress and tucking in a loose strand of hair as well when she turned to look at me. “Say, aren’t you that woman that was in the papers? The one with the sex tape?”
I smiled politely. “I get asked that a lot, but no. Do we really look that much alike?”
Before she could respond I walked away, exiting the bathroom and heading back to the ballroom. That’s when I saw Vonne, her hair a mess from the winter rain, her coat dripping. She looked up at me and scowled. “Goddamn board meetings and stupid fucking traffic jams. Did I miss much?”
Shaking my head as I helped her ease off her coat, I replied, “They just started serving dinner.”
As she shook out her hair she smiled. “Was the ceremony beautiful? I bet it was.”
“It was,” I told her. “They totally fucked up their vows and it was gorgeous.”
My words brought out a chuckle from her blue lips. “That’s good. It wouldn’t be a proper wedding without some kind of screw-up.”
Together we walked into the ballroom and she waved at Kara who was standing up and giving her toast to the bridal party. “I guess I should get back to my seat,” I said sheepishly, motioning toward the empty seat beside Holly. “You’re sitting next to Del, over there on table 3.”
Vonne looked at Del and smiled fondly before returning her gaze to the wedding party’s long table. That’s when her smile fell. She gripped my arm and pulled me to stand with my back facing them. “Ria, what’s Holly doing with Lyle McAvery?”
Puzzled, I turned to look at Lyle. “That’s her boyfriend. They’ve been dating for a few months now. You’ve met him.”
Pulling me back toward the ballroom doors, Vonne’s voice lowered to a droning whisper in my ear. “That’s Lyle McAvery. That’s Franklyn McAvery’s cousin. His father was Franklyn’s uncle, the one who...died.”
“What? That’s not possible,” I insisted. “How do you know?” I asked, still unsure, still confused.
“Because he took piano lessons from me for four years,” she answered plainly, her eyes flicking toward him with malice. “He came a few times with Franklyn when they were younger. Franklyn was always a spoiled brat and I never understood why you had such a huge crush on him, but I tolerated him for Lyle, and for you. He was there, Ria, in the courtroom. Every single day of Franklyn’s trial, he was there. I know because I saw him there.”
All the blood drained from my face and my hands grew icy as my head whipped back to look at the man I’d hugged. The man I’d just congratulated over the news of the baby he was going to have with Holly.
Oh my god.
Holly was pregnant with his child.
And he was one of Mal’s friends. The one who’d confirmed to me that Mal hadn’t known who Franklyn was at all. The man who’d reignited my hopes, only to dash them away with his existence.
Tearing my arm out of Vonne’s grip I stalked toward the table, ignoring my friend’s cry to stop, to think about what I was doing. Instead of stopping, I made my way to Lyle’s side. One look at my face and he knew. I knew he knew. He stood, his hands held out to me in supplication, but I slapped them away.
“Why?” I asked, not caring who heard. “Wasn’t it enough that your family humiliated me? Wasn’t it enough that your mother managed to turn your father’s assault on me into a fucking cash cow? Wasn’t it enough that I had to run away, run from the only home I’d ever known, to escape the hell you and your family put me through?”
“Ria, please,” he said, his voice a plea. Holly stood up beside him, terror and bewilderment marring her lovely features. Behind her, Lara looked angry, while Kara and Roy both stood and approached, confusion slowly turning to awareness.
“What’s going on?” Kara asked in a low hiss.
“Ria—”
“Don’t you dare,” I told Lyle angrily. “Don’t you fucking dare act like you’re my friend, like you actually give a shit about me. I should have known. I should have known that this was all just some kind of game. I believed him. I believed you. Why? What fucking purpose did it serve you to torment me? To expose me like that?”
“I’m sorry,” he said earnestly, his hands shaking. “At first I was angry. When I realized who you were, I was angry because you’ve been able to leave everything behind while I can’t. You’ve been able to truly move on but I’m al
ways going to be tied to that bastard that hurt you because he was my father and no distance will ever take that away.”
“It was you that took those photos of me, of Mal and me outside my apartment and at the charity auction, wasn’t it?” I asked, seeing things clearly for the first time and hating it.
He nodded, shame flooding his face with red heat. “I was mad. Like I said. You were moving on, getting over everything while I was still getting calls from my mom bitching and complaining about you. So I took those photos and sent them to a tabloid that I knew followed Mal’s every move. I knew that it was just what she needed to file to have the decision amended, and I thought that the minute Mal learned about it he’d pay her off so that I’d never have to hear from her again, because she’d have the only thing that she ever gave a damn about: money.
“But you didn’t tell him, and the case was thrown out. And by then I felt like complete shit because that’s not who I am. That’s not the kind of guy I am.”
“Bullshit,” I spat. “You’re no fucking different from your sick cousin. You and Mal took something precious from me, something I’ll never get back.”
He shook his head violently. “Mal doesn’t know. He has no idea about any of this. He thinks my name is Lyle Issacs. I ran away from my life just as much as you ran away from yours. Everything he knows about what happened, everything about my family he learned from you. He loves you, Ria. He truly, truly loves you. If you believe nothing else, please believe that.”
Doubt sang in my bones. Doubt and hope. They warred with each other as I looked at him, tried to see the lie in his eyes beyond the desperation.
“You…you’re really Franklyn’s cousin?” Holly finally said in a shaky voice.
Lyle turned and faced her, this time his hands reaching out to her but she pulled away, her face marred with pain and disgust. “I’m not like him. I’m not like my father or Franklyn. Holly, please. Please believe me. You know I’m nothing like them.”
