Ava wanted to go back so she could have Sevastian again. Before she infected their relationship. Before she damaged him into thinking this need she had was his fault. Before she annihilated him with three words.
Guilt tore chunks out of her reasoning.
Ava screamed, louder and longer than she had beneath Sevastian’s hand. The realization was profane. She would have given anything to have him come back. The compulsion to contact him, to beg him to forgive her, replaced Ava’s issue of non-emotion. She railed against the idiocy that possessed her when she sent him away.
Sevastian had wanted to talk. He hadn’t wanted to leave her.
She did this. Not him. She did this by not being honest with him. She had shut down because she was scared.
Ava found a way up. She stumbled from the room and found her cell phone and charger. She powered it up. Panic clogged her mind when she saw the history. Sevastian had called everyday until eight days ago.
“No, no, no!”
Ava threw herself into the shower, completed all cleansing rituals, before rushing into her closet still dripping wet. Thrusting one leg into a pair of black slacks, she suffered a flux of terror when speculating why Sevastian had stopped calling her. Ava’s clever mind didn’t need any time to consider the possible answers to the problem. Her initial rejection and continued silence had left him no other option.
“I’m sorry, Sevastian. I’m such a stupid bitch!” She grabbed the first sweater her hand fell on and struggled to slip the turquoise creation over her plastered head. “Idiot! Stupid, selfish, idiot!”
Ava’s muttered insults continued all the way downstairs. She wrung her hair once and didn’t care when the water dripped onto the hardwood floors. Grabbing her purse and keys, she made her way out into the garage for the first time since that night.
As she navigated the way to Sevastian’s town home, Ava found her reflexes were completely off. Horns blared, lights changed colors with no warning, and roads changed names without her noticing it. Sensations on overload, reasoning capabilities compromised, and panic thrumming with every heartbeat, she wondered if this is what dying felt like.
When she pulled into his driveway Ava was convinced her sanity was a fleeting thing and that the roads had become a deathtrap. She took several shallow breaths before getting out. Her hands shook as she flipped through her keys to find Sevastian’s.
She prayed he didn’t change the locks as she shoved the key into the door. It opened. Ava had the door barely closed when she called out for him.
“Sevastian? Are you here? Sevastian?”
Silence.
Ava rushed from room to room, her calls becoming increasingly shrill.
“Sevastian, where are you? Sevastian!”
Ava searched the house from bottom to top and top to bottom. Nothing. After her third pass she accepted Sevastian wasn’t home. Crumbling on the stairs, she hung her head and cried.
* * *
Sevastian’s frozen heart thawed when he saw Ava’s car parked haphazardly on his driveway and the scrap of grass passing for a front yard. His hands tightened over the steering wheel while his breathing quickened not unlike when he was in Ava.
Sevastian stopped hoping for absolution eight days before after calling Ava a total of 1,024 times. Her prolonged silence provided the ugly answer he finally forced himself to accept.
Now Ava was anything but silent. He heard her calling for him as he climbed up onto the tiny porch. Ava’s panicked and desperate screams cut him to the core. Sevastian’s fingers fumbled with the lock, pushing down the inappropriate urge to kick the door open. Ava went silent as soon as he opened it.
Sevastian almost lost courage. He then reminded himself she was in his house and not the other way around. He walked through the foyer and looked up to find Ava huddled on the stairs. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed into her hands. Sevastian noticed her bare feet and wondered if she lost her shoes somewhere.
“Where are you?”
Her forlorn wail made his stomach tighten. “I’m right here.”
Ava’s head popped up. Her tormented expression communicated a dizzying rush of information.
Sevastian dug into his overcoat and pulled out his phone. “You could’ve called me. I would’ve answered.”
“I didn’t think of that.” A bizarre titter erupted. “I think of everything but I honestly didn’t think of that.”
He came closer; mouth dry and heart pounding. “How are you?” Sevastian winced at the banal question. Ava wasn’t an acquaintance to be spoken to so casually, as if he hadn’t been suffering from her absence. He cleared this throat and tried again. “What are you doing here?” A low hiss seeped out. “Fuck! That’s not what I meant to ask! Ava, help me here. Please.”
She shook her head. Haunted eyes looked too big for her delicate face. “I’m sorry, Sevastian. For everything. I regret it so much. I wish I could undo it.”
He moved until he stood at the bottom of the staircase. “There’s nothing for you to apologize for. Except not answering my calls.” His wan smile disappeared. “Why didn’t you? Were you that angry with me?”
“I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t anything.” Ava’s head dropped back. Her throat worked. “I shouldn’t have made you leave. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I pushed you away and…I…I…” Ava’s voice cracked with defeat and sorrow. “Please take me back.”
Sevastian sprinted up the stairs. He lifted her up on his lap and buried his face against her damp neck. Relief made him lightheaded. “I’m here for you, Ava. Always. I’m here for you as long as you want me.”
Ava’s body shook. When she cried herself sick Sevastian murmured words of comfort. He shrugged off his soiled coat and left it on the stairs. He picked Ava up and carried her upstairs into his bathroom. When Ava whispered she’d already had a bath Sevastian countered it. “You got some in your hair. Ssh. It’s okay. I have to shower too.”
He stripped her, noting Ava’s lack of underclothing. “You didn’t put on a bra or panties.”
“Oh.” She looked down in surprise. “I guess I didn’t.”
“Where are your shoes?”
“I forgot them.”
“Where?”
“At home.”
He studied her body, turning her one way and then another. Back, thighs, and bottom were as smooth and pristine as they ever were. Acrid regret melted into shame.
“Are you okay? Nothing hurt for too long?”
“No,” Ava sighed as if it were the most tragic event to ever befall her.
Sevastian tried not to read too much into it. He brushed his fingers over her hip. “You haven’t been eating well. You’ve lost some weight.”
“I know. I tried to but…”
“Shit!”
“What?”
“Stay here. I’ll be right back.” Sevastian jogged downstairs and out the door to the car. He plucked the forgotten bag of sweet and sour chicken, fried rice, and egg rolls and made his way back inside to the kitchen.
“Sevastian?”
Ava stood in the doorway, hands knitted together in uncertainty, nakedness adding vulnerability. It aroused something ugly.
“Didn’t I tell you to stay upstairs?” His mouth snapped the accusation in half. “I’m sorry.”
She straightened. “Don’t apologize. Sevastian—”
A kernel of fear sprouted. It wrapped noxious vines about him, sapping all courage. “Forget about it. Let me put this up and we’ll go together.”
“No.”
“Okay. Did you want to eat now then?” The bag hung in his hand; limp and passive just like the man he desperately wanted to be for her.
Ava shook her head. “Avoiding what I have to say to you is what got us into this ridiculous mess. We have to talk.” She came closer but left the kitchen island between them. “Sevastian, that night I wanted to put an end to the games. I didn’t want to play anymore.”
He flush
ed. Guilt dripped from every word. “Then I did take it too far.”
“I’m not saying that!” Ava huffed before taking a cleansing breath. “I need you to answer something for me, Sevastian. Be honest with me, okay? How did it feel when you were so rough with me? Was it exciting to hear me cry out in pain? Did it make you want to do it more? I really need to know.”
“If you’re afraid you can’t trust me or that I’m going to be violent towards you—”
“Answer the questions.”
Sevastian’s gut roiled. Flashes of hot skin, yielding kisses, and hoarse begging stirred the addictive urge to do it again. Truth compelled but the horror of admitting those damning words to her made him lie. “I did what I thought you wanted me to do. That’s all.”
Ava’s gaze searched his, digging deep with desperate control. “Meaning you’d never do that unless I made you?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, okay.”
Sevastian’s relief died a painful death. Ava covered her naked body with strategically placed arms and backed away.
“I have to go.”
“Go? Go where?” He dumped the food on the counter. The abrasive crinkle rattled his composure and the sprawl offended his need for order. All of it served to make him snap, “I don’t understand! First you come here because you want me back and now you’re leaving? What are you doing to me, Ava? Are you pushing to see if I’m still your dog?”
“Oh, God! I’m no good at this. I…I…I have to think. I’m sorry. I have to go home. I shouldn’t have come here like this, Sevastian. I had no right to barge into your house and I had no right to come expecting things to just change. It’s incredibly arrogant of me.”
Her babbling enraged him. He rushed around the island and stopped Ava at the doorway. His fingers clamped her upper arm. “Why are you leaving? I told you I’d never hurt you again. I mean it, Ava! You can trust me. I’d never do anything to hurt you—”
“But I want you to!”
The world came to a surreal halt. Sevastian gripped her arm harder. “What?”
Ava choked back a sob. “I want you to hurt me. I like it, Sevastian. Not just as a game but in real life.” His frozen expression caused her to cry out, “God! What’s wrong with me?”
He tunneled his fingers in her hair and yanked Ava’s head up. “Say it again. Clearly.”
Her mouth quivered. Sevastian had the inappropriate urge to bite into Ava’s lower lip just to make her do it again.
“I like it when you hurt me. I was going to tell you but then it all went to hell. I fucked it up by retreating…by not telling you what I really wanted.”
“You like pain. This we already knew.”
“No, it’s different. It’s not about just having anyone hurt me. I like it when you hurt me. I like it when you hurt me and then make it better.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know!”
“Yes, you do. You know so tell me. Tell me why you want me to make you cry.”
Ava blinked. Her tears captivated him as always. Sevastian pressed his lips hard to avoid kissing them away.
“Lots of reasons. Too many to explain in a night.”
“Then tell me just one.”
“I feel I’m worth your attention. I’m giving you something in return for what you’re doing for me.”
“We don’t need to do this for you to mean everything to me, Ava.” Sevastian permitted himself the luxury of leaning forward to nuzzle her wet cheek with his. It was also his chance to have one less regret. “I love you.”
“I know.”
Sevastian’s heart thudded. His palms slicked, making him conscious of how Ava might feel the betraying moisture despite her damp locks. His gaze flicked about, finding it impossible to settle down and focus. “I’ve never said it to you before. How could you know?”
“You’re so sweet and innocent,” Ava crooned. “Who else but a man in love could do something so abhorrent to his morals?”
“It’s not—”
“Ssh.” She leaned into him. “We don’t have to do this, Sevastian. I’ll find a way to undo what I’ve become.”
“Stop! You should know better, Ava.” He pressed his temple against hers, trying to grind out her displeasing thoughts. “You’re talking as if you’ve committed some atrocity. You don’t eat kittens. You don’t steal from the elderly. The worst thing I’ve ever seen you do is park on the grass—which only happened today to my grass. By the way, I forgive you.”
“But what about, you know, my needs?”
“It’s okay. We can move forward now.”
“It’s not that simple…is it?”
“Compared to how you threw me out that night—yes, it is.”
“I’m so sorry about that, Sevastian.”
“It’s in the past but no more overdramatic scenes, okay? You feel yourself shutting down you talk to me. Even if it’s just to tell me you need space.”
“Okay. I’ll try.”
“No, you’ll do it. There’s no option of just trying.”
“Just as things have changed now? We’re going to just be able to do it. No trying?”
“No trying,” he promised.
“I’m sorry to have to put you through this. I wish I was a bit more normal.”
“You’re a masochist. Big deal.”
“But you’re not a—”
“No ‘buts.’ You don’t have to change for me.” Sevastian’s eyes screwed shut. “I lied earlier. I liked doing it to you. I liked what we did that night. I really did.” His mouth stumbled over the first words, gaining speed to end his macabre confession. “I like hurting you. I love you and I love making you happy but I also loved feeling that kind of power. I can’t explain why. Jesus! If anyone should feel strange and dirty it should be me!”
“You really liked it?”
“God, yes.”
* * *
Ava kissed the tip of his nose. Sevastian had yet to release her hair but the radiating sting was worth it.
“So you’re a sadist. Big deal.” His pained chuckle made her kiss him in the same spot again. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
He let out his breath slowly, almost as if shocked that the world hadn’t come to an end. Ava completely understood the feeling.
“I guess I never knew this part of me existed. Besides, I could ask the same of you.”
“My answer is the same. I don’t think either of us ever thought we were like that.” She snickered. “We’re so uptight, controlled, in everything we do. I mean, we’re hardly the exciting type.”
“True. I guess even workaholic geeks can be kinky.”
“Who’s a geek? Maybe you. I’m a nerd, thank you very much.” Sevastian laughed and Ava’s load lightened. Everything was okay. She was okay. They were okay.
It could really be this simple. Life didn’t have to be complicated. Every decision didn’t need to be weighed so heavily. Some could be made just like that. No deliberation. No analysis.
This realization set her free and Ava found she could fly.
“Well, this man loves this woman very, very much.” Sevastian released her hair. “I’m sorry I never told you earlier.”
“It’s okay.” Ava poked him in the ribs. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I already knew.”
Chagrin mixed with shyness made a most interesting look for his face. “Yes, well…” He plucked a piece of her hair and held it out. “We still need to shower. Maybe we can discuss our new circumstances then?”
“I look forward to it.”
“All right. Let me just put the food in the fridge first.”
Once he was done, Ava let Sevastian lead her all the way back to his bathroom. She followed his instructions, moving only when he told her, and submitted to his touch.
Which was divine.
Sevastian bathed her reverently. When he started to wash the bile out of her hair she murmured in distress and attempted to do it herself. Sevastian swatted Ava’s backside and told her to
hold still. He followed the sharp sting with a gentle whisper. “I told you already. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s only vomit. It’s okay.”
So it was.
Soon Ava was dressed in one of his t-shirts and settled on Sevastian’s lap while he worked on her hair. The large bed’s linens consisted of sheets, two pillows, and a non-descript comforter. In all their time together Ava never noticed it was a mirror image of her bedroom’s Spartan décor, besides the padded bench. She looked forward to finding out what other things they shared in common but somehow had overlooked.
“That feels so good,” Ava sighed as the brush continued its rhythmic delight.
“I’ll make sure to do this every night then.”
“I’ll hold you to that. Sevastian?”
“Yes?”
“You said ‘every night.’ Did you mean that?”
Sevastian’s hand stilled before resuming. “Yes…if that’s okay with you.”
“Are we talking about ditching the old schedule and moving in together?”
“Don’t you think it’s overdue? I do. I’ve wanted you to myself for a while now.”
“What about our obligations?”
“We’ll meet them as before. We’ll have our work life and then our real life. One shouldn’t intrude on the other as long as we respect the boundaries.”
She squirmed. Giddiness tempted Ava to laugh until her sides ached. A wide grin compensated for impulse control. “Can we talk about how we’re going to handle our new circumstances?”
“My, my. Somebody is eager to get her bottom beat, isn’t she?”
Ava jerked forward only to come to a jarred stop and yell out.
“Hold still!” Sevastian worked to untangle the snarl. “You’re constantly trying to run away from something, aren’t you?”
“Ouch! And I’m not saying that about my hair either.”
“It’s the truth.”
Ava huffed before making a silly face. “You’re right.”
“I know.” He pulled on the lock, causing her to hiss. “You’re so funny. It’s just hair and you’re making this much of a fuss. I’ve done far worse to you and it only made you wet.”
“That was different.”
“Really? Pain is pain, right?”
“Wrong. Pain in my skull from solely the benign is not sexy. Pain in my skull from being slammed against the wall is. Understand the difference?”
Cry for Me (A Dark Erotica Novella) Page 3
