by Dora Bramden
But how could she have known? He’d given no indication of this side of himself. Or had he? Didn’t he reach for her hand when they crossed a road or for walks in the park? There were picnics with his head in her lap afterward.
But being loved wasn’t something she’d ever learned to expect, but she’d had her dreams just the same. On the cusp of leaving Italy, he’d proposed they marry. It hadn’t been traditional. There’d been no declaration of love or ring ready to place on her finger. She’d married Alessandro because she loved him and chose to believe his proposal was evidence of his love. The months of silence after she left shattered that illusion.
“I know you can’t promise me a love that isn’t there,” she said softly.
An emptiness in her heart made her breath shallow.
A maid coughed at the door way. Alessandro turned to her. “What is it, Gretta?”
“The team manager is on the phone. He says he has to speak with you immediately.”
“Tell him to hold, I’ll be right there.”
The maid left.
“I have to take this. I’ve been expecting this call. But we aren’t finished.”
He grabbed her and kissed her. It sent shivers down her spine and curled her toes. Lightheaded, she swayed as he let her go and strode off down the hall to his study. It wasn’t fair to do that. He shouldn’t dismiss her with a kiss. Not when she needed him to say he loved her. But if he had, could she believe him?
She followed him and stood in the doorway, in plain sight because she wanted to know what was so important that he’d cut short their talk.
The phone call from the team manager was about the racing organization’s challenges to the refit on the car since the Melbourne accident. Officials were proceeding to disqualify his win in Malaysia. This meant that Alessandro would put family issues on hold while he went to take care of it. Yet wouldn’t it be a real sign that he was changing from the old Alessandro if he stayed here, let his team take care of it while he put her first.
He hung up. “I’m going to have to deal with this now. I promise we’ll talk once I get this issue settled.”
A cold stone of disappointment dropped inside. “Sure, I’ll close the door.”
Eleven
Katrina waited in the sitting room. She’d just told Alessandro her innermost painful secret, and he was going to leave her there alone. She’d seen that look before. He wouldn’t be able to resist the call of the track. Her feelings would have to wait. What would happen when his son needed his father, and the Formula One Circuit took precedence? What message would that send a boy? The kind that turned Alessandro into the man he was today. Alessandro’s father had been the same, a racing champion until his death.
Alessandro appeared in the doorway. “I have to go to China and deal with this in person. If I leave now, I could be back by tomorrow.”
“Okay, do what you think is best.” She pulled her phone out of her pocket and checked the time.
“You understand, don’t you?” He remained standing in the doorway.
“Of course.” Katrina understood too well.
“ Now I really have to go. I’ll kiss Alex on my way out.” He slapped the door jamb with his palm, turned and left.
She let the phone fall from her fingers into her lap. He’d actually just left. He hadn’t listened to her. Before Alex was conceived, Katrina had been driven with a fierce eye on her ballet career. Everything had to be supportive of that goal – the next part, the next company, the next step on the prima ballerina ladder. Not content to be lauded in one country she had to take center stage in Europe too. But Alex’s arrival had shifted all of that. Alessandro’s goals hadn’t changed at all.
While pregnant, Katrina assumed after the baby was born, she’d go back to dancing with the same devotion. But once she held him in her arms, her heart decided that nothing could ever come before him.
It hadn’t been easy, and she had the difficulty of making a choice to put his best interests in front of her career again and again over the last 18months. Alessandro had only had a few weeks to get used to it. He’d made great progress, but still, his career was uppermost in his mind.
She didn’t have that in her anymore. She’d always want to be with her son and have him close enough that she could get back to him quickly should the need arise. Maybe It was a mistake to let Alex bond with his father. An F1 champion really didn’t have time for wives and little boys. When the track called, it was answered first.
Both Alessandro’s father and grandfather had given their lives to the race track, literally. She’d pushed down fears about Alessandro dying the same way when they’d been married. She’d refused to think about it. She couldn’t lose him now. The heart-wrenching grief she’d endured back in Australia, waiting and hoping he’d come for her and their child. It hit her how bad it would be if history repeated and he was killed while racing.
A short couple of weeks ago, she’d watched him slam into a wall on TV. Her heart stopped and leaped into her mouth. She’d held her breath waiting to see if he moved; if he’d get out before the car exploded into flames. When he’d emerged unscathed, she’d been so relieved she had to shake her fingers to stop them tingling. It could have so easily been a tragedy.
Her baby boy was growing more and more attached to him with every passing day. If Alessandro had made his way into her son’s heart, how would he cope if his much-loved father suddenly disappeared from his life?
Alessandro paced the boardroom floor. Why was it taking them so long? He’d explained the engineering he’d designed was compliant with all the rules. It hadn’t been done before, but his original fuel delivery system was highly efficient and totally legal. Another team had challenged it though, and so the officials had to investigate and make a ruling.
He could tell that Katrina didn’t understand. Only he could effectively explain the intricacies of the new engineering to the board. He didn’t have time to convince her because he needed to catch a flight. He’d make it up to her when he got back. But a voice nagged, how did that work for you the last time you walked out. He shook the voice away, this time was different. She wasn’t alone in the apartment. His mother and sister were with her.
The board came into the room and took their places. Alessandro resumed his seat. The chairperson shuffled some documents. Alessandro could tell he didn’t have good news.
“We aren’t convinced that changing the fuel system without submitting the plans for approval before that race is legal. The design itself, as you have described, is unique but it is within the rules. The technicality is the lack of submitting the paperwork.”
“The fuel system change was done as part of repairs to the car after the Melbourne accident. I sent the changes then.”
“I see, but did you point out that the system was a new one. Or was it just put in with the rest of the paperwork on repairs.”
“Are you saying I didn’t use the right form and because of that I will be disqualified from second placing that I honestly deserve?”
“Technically, it’s not legal if the correct documents weren’t submitted.”
“Do you know if the right forms were used? Or is this a fishing trip?”
“We have to check everything in an unusual situation like this.”
Alessandro wanted to pick up his papers and slam them on the desk. He opened the folder and prayed the team manager had the correct documents filed inside.
He rifled through the technical papers to the section where submission details of repairs and alterations to the car were filed. He found the paperwork was all in order. “Here it is. Everything is submitted as it should have been.” He slid the paper out of the folder and onto the board’s desk.
The chairperson looked relieved and said he was pleased to call the investigation closed. They were satisfied that no evidence for disqualification could be found.
Alessandro drove around the track and found his team in the pits going over the pre-race procedures.
The smell of grease and the sound of the hydraulic tools took him back to when he was a little boy. The excitement of visiting pit lane with his Papà was a memory he loved to relive every time he came to the pits. He couldn’t wait to bring his son when Alex was old enough. He wished Alex and Katrina were here now, to celebrate the good news with. It was different now. He missed them, even though he’d been with them a few hours ago, it was the distance. He didn’t like them being in a different country to him.
Katrina wanted the kind of love that lasted forever. He didn’t know if he could promise her that. Love wasn’t something he’d let himself indulge in since he was a gullible eighteen-year-old but being around her made him want her more than ever. Could he ever be the type who loved a woman forever? He wished he could be, for her, but he just didn’t know how. He’d let her leave him, too proud to follow. He’d refused to show weakness and return her calls. She hadn’t forgiven him yet for leaving her that night. Yet when she looked at him, the things she said, it seemed as though she wanted to be with him. Was that for herself or for their son?
His son deserved a real father. Was it fair to Alex if he bonded to a man who could die racing an F1 car? He’d endured the pain of losing a beloved Dad. As a young boy, he longed to take away the suffering of his mother’s loss. The pain of her grief aged a woman who loved and lost that love far too early in life. They suffered for a long time. His mother had never entertained the idea of being with anyone else. Like Katrina’s grandmother Alessandro’s mother never took off the rings her husband had put on her finger.
Katrina loved him; she’d all but declared it when she said she wanted the kind of love her grandparents had. He couldn’t bear for Katrina to live the life his mother had.
He’d let himself come second place in the last race rather than risk another crash. Once he’d have been part of the machine while racing. Now he felt separate from the car. A disconnect that inhibited automatic risk taking.
Alessandro wanted his son in his house, his home, but had to consider the pain Alex would go through if he became attached and Alessandro died. The reasons he hadn’t wanted children were no longer an idea. They were very real now there was a little boy with Alessandro’s smile and a direct link to his heart to consider. Also Alex’s mother would be hurt too. He’d thought she didn’t care enough for him and that was why she left. Now it seems the opposite is true.
This must be his last season but he still had a nearly a full year left to complete. He couldn’t leave the crew high and dry. He couldn’t replace himself as driver once the Grand Prix calendar had begun. He had to wait until the end of the year.
He wished he had time to fly back and finish his conversation with Katrina, but flying back to Italy for one day then turn around to fly back again, and begin racing exhausted from air travel could end in disaster. He had to be careful more than ever now that he was a father.
Buzzing in Katrina’s pocket stole her attention from putting Alex to bed. She pulled her phone from her pocket and checked the caller. “Daddy’s ringing us.” She quickly laid Alex in his cot and turned on his favorite mobile.
She swiped the screen. “Hi, I’m just putting Alex to bed.”
“Okay, I’ll be quick. The board has dismissed the challenge.”
“That’s great.”
“Are you and Alex all right?”
“Yep all good. Do you want to talk to him?”
“No. No, that’s fine. Look I’m going to stay in China until the race. Flying back for twenty-four hours is crazy. I don’t want to be fuzzy during the time trials.”
She hated being disappointed. Alex was too young to notice if Alessandro stayed away for four days, but as he got older he would. She’d hate it much more than she wanted to acknowledge. She’d only see Alessandro for one day before she and Alex had to leave Italy. Didn’t he want to spend as much time with Alex as he could? Still she didn’t want him to come back if his driving ability would be compromised. Perhaps he didn’t think she’d be leaving after the weekend.
“You’re the best judge of what you need. But we’re going home to Australia the day after you get back, so I hope you can get an early flight. Have as much time with Alex as you can.”
“You could stay? Have your knee assessed before you decide. No need to go back if your knee isn’t ready yet.”
“The Australian Ballet is expecting me back. They want to monitor its progress. They’re my employers so if they want me back in Australia, I have to do what they say.”
“Very professional, Katrina. I wouldn’t expect anything less. I’ll try and get an early flight after the race.”
He said goodnight and they ended the call. She kissed Alex on the cheek. He’d fallen asleep, worn out no doubt from playing with Aunty Maria.
Katrina slept fitfully. Even after such a short time, she missed him in the bed beside her. His arms cuddling her had become so familiar.
She received a call from the Australian Ballet physio, who had arranged for the physio at the Teatro alla Scala di Milano to come out to Castello Rinaldo and assess Katrina’s knee and send a report. Katrina suspected Alessandro had to be behind it.
Katrina waited in the ancient castle ballroom. She tipped her head back to admire the painted domed ceilings. Scanning the room she approved of the ample light streaming in through French doors and the floor to ceiling high mirrors along the opposite wall.
A maid showed the physio in who shook Katrina’s hand. That knee is going to win in the end but let's see if I can’t get you back on your toes again for a little while anyway. He ran her through some basic moves and watched her knee and also her face for signs of pain.
Katrina shook her head as the physio explained that the knee had lost a great deal of flexibility. She would damage it again if she tried to dance professionally. He recommended exercises that she needed to do in the Castello's gym for at least another two weeks. He also gave her some gentle steps to do and would arrange for a ballet bar to be installed. She didn’t need to contact the Australian Company. He would report to them directly as they were paying him.
He left her there, the sun streaming in across the floor and the beautiful lake beyond the glass. She ought to be devastated but she wasn’t. She wanted to dance at opening night but in the back of her mind, she’d known it would be a longshot. Just hadn’t wanted to admit it. She pointed her toe and rose onto it. Her bad knee carefully tucked behind and taking no weight. She stepped out and came down on the sore leg gradually, testing it. It held. She did some walking en pointe and could feel the stiffness in the bad knee. It was a correct decision.
As a young dancer, she’d danced though she was in agony with it. She wouldn’t give up her place in the company. She was too young to consider the lasting damage that would cause. Paying for it now made her think about other errors of judgment that caused a great deal of pain later on. Marrying Alessandro and running off with his child growing inside her was the kind of error you couldn’t do over. Could catching the plane in a couple of days’ time when she had no reason to go be another mistake?
* * *
The crowd roared as Alessandro launched from his pole position. The smell of exhaust filled his nostrils. He steered the car down the straight and readied for the first corner. Driving on a race-track inevitably brought the Melbourne accident back to mind. He’d been thinking about how he’d been a father without being told. He’d been very angry and the instinct he usually relied on to navigate corners hadn’t kicked in. The zone had eluded him. He had to be prepared once again to not win this race. It was worth it but it went against his winner’s instinct.
He snapped back to the corner rushing up to meet him. Cornering won races, without his instincts working, his chances of winning were gone. The adjustment to the fuel delivery system had gained him some precious speed or he wouldn’t have managed to come second in the last race. Every day he spent with Katrina and Alex, he deliberately tried to create links to them that would be so strong they wouldn
’t leave. What would happen to them if he died? What if not being able to rely on his instinct meant it was just a matter of time before he crashed again? Was that what happened to his Papà?
Heart pounding, Alessandro breathed fast as the corner loomed into view. Both his father and grandfather had died crashing on a corner. His son playing with cars, crashing them together, filled his mind’s eye. He shook his head. He must focus now. Every detail had to be attended to if he wasn’t to end up flipped and on fire.
The steering wheel didn’t fit like it should in Alessandro’s hands. In the past, the car seemed to remember which way to go. Every shudder that radiated up from the tires tracking a line over the edge of the last bend would once have been taken for granted, but today adrenaline shot into his over-stimulated body. His neck muscles balled against every bump.
Putting his life on the line and taking massive risks had achieved two world championships, one short of his father and grandfather. But today the vision of his son had stopped him doing that. He couldn’t let fate decide. He couldn’t make Katrina his widow and leave her to raise Alex alone. He was a papà and that wasn’t all. Katrina meant the world to him and he didn’t want to leave her. It hit him that he’d been considering only what he wanted. He hadn’t been listening to Katrina.
Two years ago he’d been acting on instinct when he deleted her phone messages. Avoiding pain, he’d lost the chance to be with her over the pregnancy and the last two years. The pain of missing out on having them in his life was far worse. He had to think things through.
