I nodded. That sounded easy enough. I knew that my main issue was having sex with random women and not thinking of the consequences. I didn’t know if it would be any different if I just stuck with one woman, but I’d have to try it and find out.
The meeting went on for another hour before Kyle finally took a seat in the empty chair. He’d spent the entire time walking around the circle and engaging with us, which was a lot more than I could say about the previous group leader.
“To close out our meeting, I’m now opening the floor to anyone who’d like to share their story or give us an update on any progress they’ve made. The circle is yours,” he said, crossing his legs at the ankles.
One man with shaggy dark hair and baggy clothes stood up. “I’m Willy,” he said, his shoulders slouched. “And I’m a struggling sex addict. I’ve been dealing with this for almost seven years now and it’s completely taken over my life. I’ve lost jobs, some of my family, and even my wife has left me and is filing for a divorce. I realized that I couldn’t go through this alone and I’m trying to make things right with the people I’ve hurt. I hope that I can one day say that I’m a recovered addict and I also hope to be able to work things out with my wife. Glad to be here,” he said and sat back down.
“We’re glad to have you, Willy. Thank you for sharing with us,” Kyle said before looking around. “Anyone else?”
“Do I have to stand?” I asked. Kyle shook his head. “Okay then. Well, I’m Mason, and I’m also a struggling addict. I’ve been struggling with this for a long while, probably dating back to when I was in high school. My father is a hard ass and has a tendency of making me feel as if I’m not good enough. There was always something wrong with everything I did in his eyes. He’d compare me to my twin brother, saying that he wished I was more like him or how much better my brother was.” I cleared my throat as emotions ranging from anger and rejection to sadness started to surface. “So I ended up turning to the one thing I knew I was good at, which was sex. But it quickly got out of control and…I haven’t managed to gain that control back even now as an adult. It’s gotten to the point to where I’m at risk of losing my job, my brother hates me, and possibly ruining a second chance with a woman I’ve hurt before with my addiction.” The room was dead silent, everyone’s gaze focused on me, hardly blinking. “I just want my life to be normal again. I want to go back to having a good relationship with my family, to be able to have a healthy relationship with a woman, and not feel controlled by this addiction. That’s all.”
“Wow,” Kyle started. “Well, you’re in the right place, Mason, and you’re definitely not alone. We’re all in this together,” he said.
“Thanks,” I replied, focusing my gaze on the book in my lap. A few more people spoke, telling similar stories to mine or announcing that they’d been abstinent for a few weeks and were feeling better. My mind drifted to Aaliyah, wondering what she was doing right now. I was sure she’d be proud of me for being here at least.
We ended the meeting with another prayer for strength before Kyle dismissed us to enjoy the refreshments of donuts and coffee near the exit. I stopped by the table and grabbed a donut with a napkin. A man with dark brown skin, brown eyes and a full beard came up next to me, pouring a cup of coffee.
“Mason, right?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “You’re…”
“Samson,” he said, extending his hand. I gave it a firm shake.
“Nice to meet you,” I said, taking a bite of the donut.
“You know, your story is similar to mine,” Samson mused, taking a sip of coffee. “Except mine was the opposite parent.”
“Oh really?” I asked. “Parents, right?”
“Yeah. They think they’re doing what’s best for you, but can’t see how much it’s hurting you.” He looked toward the door. “Want to go on a little walk and talk for a bit?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, that’s cool.”
We stepped out into the warm summer air, walking along the sidewalk in silence for a few moments. Cars breezed past us as along the busy road. I looked up at the tall office buildings and condos that made up our downtown area, seeing people hanging outside of bars in the distance.
“When did it start for you?” I finally asked, taking another bite of my donut.
“Probably when I was a kid,” he answered.
“Damn. That’s pretty young.”
“Yeah, but the signs weren’t strong then. It was just passed off as a boy being curious. I’d sneak and watch tv channels I wasn’t supposed to, steal my mom’s boyfriend’s nude magazines and show them to my friends, and once even walked in on my mom and her boyfriend once. They didn’t even notice I was there until they were changing positions,” he said and shook his head. “They just thought I was curious about it, so they gave me ‘the talk’ earlier than they would’ve liked, and left the situation alone.”
“Oh wow.”
“It wasn’t until I hit puberty that things started to change. First, it was excessive masturbating, which my mom used to shame me about. She’d walked in on me and would call me a nasty bastard or a pervert, saying I wouldn’t get a woman if all I did was jack off. So then I started having sex with girls from school.”
“Yeah, that’s kind of how mine started for me when I hit puberty,” I said. “I had a girlfriend at the time, so it was a little easier to keep it under control. All I had to do was call or text her when I needed her and she’d come over or I’d go over to her place if her parents weren’t home.”
Samson chuckled. “Yeah, I’m sure you were just as good looking back then as you are now, so you wouldn’t have had to worry about getting girls,” he said. “I had to take what I could get, which were desperate pickings.”
I nodded. “No shame in that.”
“It got worse though as I got older. My relationship with my mom got worse too.”
“What was she like?”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “It was hard living with her after she and my dad split. Anytime I did something wrong or bad, she’d tell me that I was good for nothing like him and she should’ve aborted me when she had the chance.”
“Damn,” I said, shaking my head. I knew my dad and I had our issues, but those were nothing compared to what Samson told me about his mother. “It’s not like that’s something you could help.”
“Eh, she didn’t want to hear that.” We turned back around and headed back for the church.
“Are things better for you now?”
He shook his head. “Nah. Sometimes you just have to let toxic people go, even if they’re family. She was a big trigger for me and I had to decide to take that power back from her. It’s been about four years since I cut her off and I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as I am now. I own a business, a nice house, in love with my beautiful fiancée, and I’m in control of my addiction and my life. Everything is just good right now,” he said.
I sighed. I wish it was as easy as just cutting my father off to be able to move on with my life. I saw my father every day when I went into work. If I planned on taking over the family business when he retired, I had to stay around or my hard work would be all for nothing.
“Do you have a sponsor?” he asked suddenly.
“No. I haven’t really been going to meetings consistently enough to look for one,” I admitted.
“If you’re up for it, I’d like to be yours. We have a lot in common and seem to have similar stories. I’ve been where you are and trust me, it’s not easy to get to the point I am now. But it’ll be a little more bearable if you have someone there for you while you gain your strength to walk on your own. What do you say?”
“Yeah, I’d like that,” I said, a small smile forming on my lips.
He pulled out his wallet and drew out a business card. “My cell number is on there,” he said. I looked over the business card. Samson Dillard, CEO of Dillard Construction.
I did the same and handed him a business card as well. “And here’s mine
, though it only has my office number on it.” I took a pen from my breast pocket and scribbled my number on the bottom of the card.
Samson looked it over and snapped his fingers. “That’s why you look so familiar. I saw the billboard of you and your dad for the law firm over on Woodruff Road,” he said. “Just goes to show that this disease can claim anyone, no matter their occupation or status.”
“You got that right,” I said, just as we arrived back to the church parking lot.
“Feel free to call or text if you need anything. As your sponsor, I’m here to support you. If you feel like you’re going to do something that’ll set you back in your recovery, you call me. If you need advice on something or just need to talk about how you’re feeling about something, don’t hesitate to call. I’m here.”
“Thanks, man. I appreciate it,” I said, shaking his hand. He waved and walked over to his Honda Civic. I turned and walked to my own car, confidence slowly washing over me.
I can really do this.
Chapter 6
Or maybe not.
I took a deep breath as I walked up the cobble walkway that led to my brother’s two-story ranch-style home. He lived the perfect life. He had a beautiful wife—though she was a complete bitch to me, a great job with a start-up tech company, a beautiful house that looked as if it were plucked out of one of those home design magazines with its perfectly manicured lawn, artistically perfect flowers lining the walkway and along the front of the house, and automatic sprinklers that currently watered the dark green grass. It fit him perfectly. He was always on the straight and narrow path, always making our dad proud and always told he was the good one. I pushed the negative thoughts from my mind. Now wasn’t the time to think about my own failures.
I rang the doorbell and waited, fighting the urge to cringe when the door whipped open and Malcolm’s wife, Courtney, stood before me.
“What the hell are you doing here?” she snapped, folding her arms across her chest. I glanced past her and saw Malcolm sitting on the couch.
“I came by to talk to Malcolm,” I finally answer.
“He doesn’t want to talk to you,” she responded, not moving from her spot.
I ground my teeth and released a deep breath. “It’s important, Courtney,” I said.
“What’s important is that you stay away from him. You have nothing but bullshit and drama following you everywhere and he always gets caught up in it—”
“Babe, what’s going…” Malcolm trailed when he got to his wife and saw who she was fussing at. “Mason, what are you doing here?”
“I really need to talk to you about something,” I said.
“I don’t want him in my house, Malcolm,” Courtney complained. Malcolm took her hand gently and led her away from the door.
“It’ll only be a few minutes, baby. You don’t need to get yourself worked up over this. You know what the doctor said about that.”
She stared at him for a few minutes, glanced back to me, and then back to her husband with a sigh. “Fine. But only for a few minutes.”
“I promise. Now go sit and relax somewhere. I don’t need my babies all worked up to give me something else to worry about,” he murmured, placing his hand on her belly before kissing her. My eyes widened in surprise. That was something else he hadn’t bothered telling me about. So much for having a close twin relationship, not that I’d blame him for that.
When she walked away, I stepped into the house and followed him into the kitchen. “Courtney’s pregnant?” I asked.
“Yeah.” His voice was flat as he moved over to the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water. I waited to see if he’d say anything else about it, but he didn’t.
“How long have you known?”
“Few weeks.”
I gave him a playful punch in the shoulder. “Well, congrats, Twin! You could’ve told me I was going to be an uncle,” I teased. His flat expression didn’t change as he leaned against the counter.
“Why are you here, Mason?” he asked, his tone impatient. I cleared my throat and put my hands in my pockets.
“I wanted to apologize for what happened the other night. I didn’t know she—”
“You say that all the time, Mason. You didn’t know that the girl you’ve been messing around with is fucking crazy and you leave out the fact that you have a twin and they confuse me with you. You’re just fucking selfish and don’t take responsibility for your actions,” he spat.
I nodded. “I deserve that. I know that nothing I say will fix this but—”
“It won’t. Because there will be another next time and another apology until there’s another next time. I’m fucking sick of it.”
“Is that why you’re leaving?” I asked.
He looked at me for a few moments, his mouth set in a hard line. “There’s shit that’s happened that I didn’t bother telling you about. Women following me home, some pimp stopping in the street because some woman accused me of not paying her. Some girl following Courtney around the grocery store and threatening her to stay away from her man. Someone breaking the windows of my car with a brick with a message that was meant for you. With Courtney being pregnant, I’m not risking something happening to her. I’m not risking my family just because you have no self-control and do stupid shit that doesn’t just affect you,” he stated.
I dropped my gaze. Maybe I was a bigger problem for him than I thought. I’d assumed he was only pissed about what happened with Kayla; all this other shit he’d just told me was completely new to me. Despite that, I knew all the women that were involved when he told me what they did, even down to the woman who claimed I didn’t pay her.
“I’m sorry, Malcolm,” I finally said. “But it’s not just about self-control. It’s an addiction.”
“An addiction? To sex?” He scoffed. “Just because you’re weak, you can’t throw an addiction label on something and think it excuses you. If it’s really an addiction, you’re not acting as if you’re making any effort to get yourself together,” he said, opening the water bottle and taking a sip.
“I am,” I stated firmly. “Just like I told Dad, this shit isn’t going to happen overnight.”
“What’s hard about saying no? Hell, find a nice girl to settle down with and sleep with her. You’re probably making this harder than it needs to be,” he accused. I shook my head. It was pointless talking to him about this. He didn’t understand back when we were teenagers, so I didn’t know why I expected it to be any different now. My apologies were going in one ear and out the other, so this conversation was now redundant. I sighed.
“So then you’re moving out of town or…?”I left the question open so that he wouldn’t know Aaron had told me about his job offer he was hoping to get.
“Arizona,” he stated.
I let out a low whistle and leaned on the counter near the sink. “That’s pretty far, don’t you think?”
“It’s for the best,” he said, taking another gulp of water. “We need our space, Mason. We need to live our own lives away from each other. Then you can do whatever the hell you want to do with your life and I don’t have to worry about it affecting me or my family. I don’t want to have to worry about whether or not my wife and I will be safe, and I won’t have to worry about people knowing we’re related and thinking we’re the same. I just want to start fresh where no one knows me and where you won’t be around.”
“That’s how you feel?”
“Yep,” he said, locking gazes with me. Rejection washed over me as I nodded. I couldn’t really be mad at him. He’d hit his limit. He had to do what was best for him and his growing family and if I was causing issues in his life, whether unintentionally or not, then maybe it was best that we were apart.
Courtney appeared back in the kitchen. “I just want to tell you that you’ll come nowhere near our child if I have anything to say about it,” she snapped, pointing at me. “I won’t let you bring your nonsense around them and I won’t let you continue to hurt my husband.”<
br />
“Babe, please,” Malcolm said, taking her hands. He whispered something to her and she walked off in a huff, leaving us alone again. “Maybe you should go.”
“Yeah,” I said, pushing off the counter. I walked out of the kitchen and out of the house without another word to either of them, many things swirling in my head. Well, that didn’t go as planned.
*
I tried concentrating on case files when I got home, but I couldn’t stop thinking about my conversation with Malcolm. I could understand him wanting to distance himself from me, but knowing that I couldn’t even see my niece or nephew was painful to face. I was now facing the consequences head on from my actions and it was a tough pill to swallow. It was bad enough to deal with my dad, but now I was being alienated from my own brother.
My hand hovered over my phone, tempted to call an escort service for a release. I clenched my fist and put it on the table. You’re stronger than that. You don’t need sex to deal with this. I put my head in my hands and mentally repeated the affirmation over and over again. Of course when I made a promise to go cold turkey, all kinds of family issues wanted to come out of the woodworks to test me. The affirmation wasn’t working and the urge to have sex grew with each passing minute.
I grabbed Samson’s business card from my wallet and opened my text messages to text him.
Mason: Hey, it’s Mason. I’m kind of having a hard time right now. Need to talk.
I put the phone back on the table after sending the message and waited, my foot tapping anxiously. A minute or two passed before the phone rang.
“Hey, thanks for getting back to me so quickly,” I said with a sigh, slouching in my seat.
“No problem, man,” Samson replied. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”
“Had a fight with my brother not too long ago and it’s really fucking with me,” I admitted bitterly.
“What happened?”
Lawfully Screwed (Lawful Affair) Page 7
