by Astrid Amara
“I thought you did as you pleased and didn’t obey anyone.” Jandu propped himself up on one elbow. Now that Jandu was fully awake, he seemed to recall that they’d parted badly. An edge of surliness crept into his tone. “Why come tell me?”
Keshan smiled seductively, reaching up to run his hand along Jandu’s cheek. “I thought, if I couldn’t stay, at least I could give you a proper farewell.”
Jandu glanced to the door. “Did the guard notice you?”
“I’m not invisible.”
“I know, but…” Jandu looked worried.
“Relax,” Keshan said, flourishing a scroll. “I told him I needed to review some documents before I left in the morning.”
Keshan tossed the scroll he’d brought to the floor and ran both hands through Jandu’s hair. It felt magnificent between Keshan’s fingers. He looked at his lover’s body on the bed, and realized they had never done this, never made love somewhere comfortable. Keshan leaned forward and kissed Jandu softly. Jandu responded hungrily, pulling Keshan to him and immediately claiming Keshan’s mouth.
Keshan had planned on taking his time, savoring this last sweetness. But Jandu’s eyes lit with fierce greed, and suddenly Jandu gripped Keshan’s shoulders and pressed him back against the bed. Jandu crouched above Keshan and devoured Keshan’s body with kisses, lingering on each nipple, his hands deftly working loose the ties at Keshan’s waist and pushing Keshan’s trousers off.
Keshan had no choice but to lay back, stunned once more by the ravenous onslaught of Jandu’s passion. Jandu was rough and soft all at once, tongue flicking gently as his fingers raked over Keshan’s sensitive skin. His mouth lowered, sinking below Keshan’s hip bone, laving the spot where Keshan’s legs met his body. Jandu roughly spread Keshan’s legs apart and pressed himself into Keshan’s crotch, kissing until finally opening his mouth to swallow Keshan down his throat. Keshan moaned. Spasms of pleasure shot through his body like electrical arcs, he felt burned with sensation. He fought to not cry out, fearful of who in the palace might hear them.
Keshan forced Jandu away from him long enough to tear off Jandu’s dejaru and expose him before Jandu intensified his actions.
“Jandu… you want to try something?” Keshan’s voice was so thick with lust he could barely speak, the words broken and hushed.
Jandu didn’t say anything, he just nodded. His tongue made lazy swipes along the insides of Keshan’s thighs, along his shaft.
Keshan pulled away slowly, cursing himself for not thinking ahead. He quickly stood and searched Jandu’s room until he found a jar of aloe oil.
Jandu watched him carefully, his eyes intense, his stare unbreakable.
“What are you doing?” Jandu asked.
Keshan scooped some oil onto his fingers and then reached behind him, preparing himself. Jandu grew very still, watching Keshan, his pupils dilating, his breathing growing ragged. Keshan didn’t know if Jandu suspected what he was going to propose, but Jandu seemed very interested regardless.
“Let me do it,” Jandu croaked, his voice breaking. He took position behind Keshan, and suddenly, Keshan could feel him, his long fingers gently stroking at the outside, not seeming to understand what he was meant to do. Keshan pushed back onto Jandu’s fingers until one slipped inside. Jandu froze. And then he probed deeper, pushing in until Keshan gasped in pleasure.
Keshan arched his back and presented himself to Jandu.
Jandu hesitated. Keshan worried he might have moved too fast, expected too much. And then suddenly Jandu gripped Keshan’s hips and hoisted him upwards into position. Jandu’s look became focused, predatory once more. Keshan felt the heat and width of Jandu at his opening, a pause, waiting at the entrance.
And then slowly, carefully, Jandu plunged inside.
Keshan groaned. It had been so long since he had done this, felt this fullness, this heat, his body expanding to accommodate the width of Jandu. It didn’t last long. Jandu trembled, his hands shaking as he grasped Keshan’s hips, a delightful, inarticulate moan coming from his lips. Jandu reached around and took hold of Keshan’s dripping member. Jandu’s thrusts intensified with each pump of his fist. Keshan’s world expanded and contracted around each penetration, his pleasure building until he felt the heavy heat of Jandu’s scrotum slap against his own. That was all it took for him to shiver in a long spasm and come uncontrollably into Jandu’s palm.
He clenched down, driving Jandu’s orgasm from him as well. Jandu stayed buried deep inside of Keshan for a few minutes as they caught their breath, but eventually, Keshan felt him pull out. The loss left Keshan feeling empty, incomplete.
Keshan collapsed onto the bed, and Jandu fell beside him. Jandu kissed him. Keshan thought that now, at least, his passion could fade, but Jandu’s kiss made him light-headed, he wanted more, he wanted it all the time, this taste, all of it, all over him.
“You all right?” Jandu asked breathlessly.
Keshan nodded. “I’ll be back in a moment.” He rose and padded barefoot through the side hall to Jandu’s private bath, looking for a towel.
He was gone for only a few moments, and when he had left the room, Jandu had been smiling. But when he returned, he found Jandu with his hands covering his face, leaning against the bed, sitting on the floor.
Keshan rushed to Jandu’s side. “What’s wrong?”
To Keshan’s further shock, Jandu had tears in his eyes. “I am so sorry I defiled you.”
“What?” Keshan blinked at him in surprise, towel dangling limp in his hand. And then he laughed. He couldn’t stop. He crouched down and pushed the hair back from Jandu’s face to kiss his forehead. Of course Jandu would think that this was defilement. His strict religious upbringing wouldn’t allow him to view it any other way. Compassion welled in Keshan.
“My God, Jandu, you can be such an idiot.”
At these words some of Jandu’s pride rekindled. He wiped his eyes. “No I’m not. I just—”
“I liked it, you fool. It’s what I wanted you to do.”
Jandu searched his face. “Truly?”
“Truly.” Keshan laughed again. “And you didn’t dishonor me. Quite the opposite, really.”
Jandu leaned his head back against the bed and closed his eyes. “We could still be killed for what we just did. It is against all laws.”
“It is, but it shouldn’t be,” Keshan said.
Jandu breathed a heavy sigh. “How can you expect me to believe that everything I have learned as right and wrong no longer applies?“ Jandu ran his hand through his hair. “Not just now. The other day as well, at your friend’s house. I know you expect more of me, but I just couldn’t. I am not like you. I will never be like you.”
Keshan smiled at the simplistic honesty of the statement. “I know. I shouldn’t have pressed you. All I am asking you to do is judge your decisions by your own heart. That is all. Every day, ask yourself if you are acting on tradition or if you truly believe in what you are doing. When you do something, is it because it is how you have always done it, or because you feel it in your bones that it is the only choice you can morally make? That’s how we all need to live our lives.”
Jandu seemed calmer, but his eyebrows still came together, showing his frustration.
Keshan continued. “Do you think you are a bad person?”
“No.”
“Do you think I am?”
“Perhaps. But I love you anyway,” Jandu said vehemently. Keshan smiled at the conviction in his voice.
Keshan almost told Jandu he loved him as well. The words stuck in his throat. Did he really feel that way? Suddenly, Keshan was sick with the realization that he did. My God, it had happened, hadn’t it? He had fallen in love with Jandu. What was supposed to be nothing more than a distraction, nothing but a quick fuck, had turned into a love affair.
Keshan stroked Jandu’s face. “So why do you think it is wrong for us to love each other, in any way we like? Who are we hurting?”
Jandu hesitated. “It’s just… Go
d says it is wrong.”
“In the Yashva kingdom, men may love men,” Keshan told him. “Women may love women. And they are also the children of God. So why are we being held to different rules?”
“I don’t know,” Jandu sighed. “I don’t know.”
Keshan gently urged Jandu down onto the bed. He wrapped his arms around him, swinging his leg over Jandu’s to pull their bodies closer. Jandu held him tightly. Keshan could feel his anxiety. Keshan had to remind himself that this was all new to Jandu. He was asking his lover to see the world differently, see himself differently.
“It’s all right,” Keshan said suddenly, knowing it was what Jandu needed to hear. Jandu nuzzled his head against Keshan’s shoulder.
“So you aren’t mad at me for what happened at your Chaya friend’s house?” Jandu asked quietly.
Keshan shook his head. “I’m not mad.”
Jandu smiled shyly. “And you enjoyed what we just did?”
Keshan pulled Jandu tighter. “I loved every second of it.”
“So, maybe we should try it again?” Jandu’s smile curled at the edges of his mouth.
“Oh, if only all religious debates could be won so easily.” Keshan leaned in and kissed him. He knew this affair was dangerous. But now that he was in love, he had no choice but to accept it as he would have accepted one of his most beautiful and frightening visions.
Chapter 15
It had been a year since Suraya’s marriage.
Rather than have any sort of ceremony, Yudar, Baram, Jandu and Suraya downplayed the year’s change, attempting to make Suraya’s shift from Yudar’s wife to Baram’s seem inconsequential. But Jandu could tell that Suraya was as nervous as Baram was excited.
After all, Suraya and Yudar had obviously grown to love each other. Suraya seemed to be able to read Yudar’s mind, she glowed when he was around, and she acted like a proud, strong queen. Yudar was a calmer, happier man with her by his side. The marriage had been just what Yudar had needed to relax into the prospect of his rule.
Now that it was Baram’s year with Suraya, she would not be giving up the title of queen, if Mazar chose Yudar for king—but she would be spending her nights in Baram’s chambers. And though neither she nor Yudar said anything, Jandu knew them both well enough to see that the impending separation pained them. He understood that pain. Keshan had been gone for a little over a month and Jandu keenly felt a physical loneliness, which he’d never acknowledged before.
To distract himself, he sought out work. Once he was relieved of his role as regent, Mazar intended to establish a new academy for warriors in Prasta’s temple district, and had requested Jandu’s help with the school. He and Mazar spent hours developing the curriculum, and choosing the best young Triya warriors from around the nation to attend. The school would be a testament to the Triya people.
Keshan’s words about ending the Triya caste returned to Jandu when he thought of Mazar’s academy. But such thoughts hardened his resolve to improve the academy. Even if Keshan’s premonitions were correct, to give in to Keshan’s philosophy would be disloyal to both Mazar and Yudar. And Jandu was nothing if not loyal.
Jandu could successfully put Keshan’s radical ideas out of his mind, but he failed when it came to Keshan himself. Jandu felt incomplete without Keshan. Yet there was nothing he could do about it. Yudar wouldn’t even engage in a conversation about Jandu going to visit Tiwari. Since the assassination attempt, Yudar’s naturally tight grip had become a stranglehold.
Unspoken tension suffused their family dinner the night that Suraya would leave Yudar’s bed. Jandu hoped Yudar wasn’t resentful, and hoped even more that Suraya didn’t regret her decision. Their dinner conversation was uncomfortably stilted.
Before they turned in, Jandu decided to have a glass of wine on the balcony outside the dining room. He poured a second glass and held it out for Suraya, who joined him.
They stared over the balcony in silence, admiring the clear sky that revealed every star. Trees along the Yaru rustled as monkeys clambered their branches, and in the distance, they could hear cows crying out for their evening milking.
“Are you nervous?” Jandu asked finally.
Suraya didn’t meet his gaze. She tugged at her heavy silver-threaded zahari as if it was uncomfortable.
“I’m scared out of my wits,” she said finally. She looked to Jandu and smiled nervously.
Jandu brushed a loose hair from the side of her face. “That’s normal. I’d be scared too, if I were you.”
Suraya studied Jandu’s expression. “You know, I wouldn’t be this nervous if you were next. I don’t know what it is about you, Jandu, but I feel very close to you. We have a different relationship than the one I have with Baram or with Yudar.”
“I’m more lovable,” Jandu said.
She shook her head. “No, you snot. It’s not that. You look at me differently.” She dropped her voice to a low whisper. “You treat me differently.”
“I’m different,” Jandu said, coughing to cover his embarrassment.
“Yes you are,” Suraya said.
Jandu hugged her to him, a friendly hug. He didn’t want Baram getting jealous now that it was his year. Jandu could see Baram pacing in the dining room, watching Jandu and Suraya in the starlight.
“You know what?” Jandu whispered in Suraya’s ear.
“What?” Suraya had her eyes closed, her face close to Jandu’s, close enough to kiss.
“Baram loves you so much he will treat you better than you’ve ever been treated before.”
Suraya opened her eyes and stared at Jandu. For a moment, Jandu detected a flicker of disappointment. With horror he understood that Suraya had wanted him to kiss her.
“Baram will make a wonderful husband,” Jandu continued.
“Yudar is a wonderful husband,” Suraya said, sighing. She pulled from Jandu’s embrace. “I just got used to being Yudar’s wife, and now I have to learn all over again.”
“Nothing big is changing, Suraya. Just the penis, really.”
Suraya’s jaw dropped. She stared at Jandu with wide eyes.
Jandu smiled. “And, having seen both Yudar’s and Baram’s dicks, I can assure you, they’re pretty much the same.”
Suraya turned completely red.
Jandu couldn’t stop, though, now he verged on laughter. “Although I would caution that Baram has developed some unsightly back hair which you may want to address the first few weeks you’re in bed with him.”
Suraya reached out and smacked Jandu on the arm, and then started laughing hysterically.
“You’re awful! I can’t believe you! You’re so disgusting!” Suraya had tears of laughter in her eyes now, and she hit Jandu weakly on the arm over and over. “What kind of person are you? Didn’t you listen to the whole conversation we had about not comparing or talking about… that?”
Jandu shrugged. “When have I ever paid attention to Yudar’s conversations anyway? Besides, I thought I’d put your mind at rest.” He looked through the window at Baram’s angry, towering figure and shook his head. “I don’t want you to think that just because Baram is built like a monster the rest of his body is freakishly large as well.”
Suraya wiped the tears in her eyes and laughed again. “Well, thanks for the warning.”
“Yes, yes.” Jandu swilled the last of his wine and then put his arm around Suraya and led her back to the dining room. “Now, we better go inside before Baram thinks I’m talking up my own dick a year too early.”
That night Jandu slept fitfully, as he had since Keshan left. Palace life seemed meaningless without him. Dressing in the morning became a chore now that he didn’t have to think about how Keshan might respond to his appearance. Even the hard week when Keshan avoided him had been less painful than this. At least then there had always been the chance that he would run into Keshan, or see him in some crowded hall. But now even that slim hope was gone.
They had exchanged letters, but other than some carefully disguised r
omantic innuendos, Jandu remained loveless since Keshan’s departure. He practiced with Zandi daily. He spent hours with Mazar working on the academy, desperate to keep his mind occupied enough to not dwell on his heartbreak. But that night, as Baram finally conjugated his marriage, and Suraya explored a new man’s body, Jandu was painfully aware of his separation from Keshan, and it tore at his gut like an ulcer.
In the morning, he anxiously awaited Suraya’s presence for breakfast. When she finally showed up, she seemed pleased, although tired.
Before his brothers got there, Jandu went to her and kissed her on the top of her head.
“No sleep, it seems. Busy night?” He winked.
Suraya grinned slyly. “My God. I’m going to be dead of exhaustion by the end of this year.”
Suraya’s prediction came perilously close to the truth. The following week, every time Jandu tried to find Baram or Suraya, they were locked together in Baram’s private chambers.
There had to be such a thing as too much sex. It was unnatural. But then again, if he had Keshan around, wouldn’t he be screwing Keshan every moment he had?
“Jandu! There you are.”
Jandu turned to see Yudar striding purposely towards him. Yudar dealt with his loneliness as he always dealt with problems, plunging deeper into work. He slept little and woke early every morning to serve out the last of his tenure as Royal Judge in the palace’s courthouse.
“I want you to come with me today,” Yudar said, fondly touching Jandu’s shoulder. “It is about time that you see what transpires in the courthouse, and how a Royal Judge must act.”
“Why?” Jandu noticed that his brother had been discussing the position with him often, even alluding to his wishes that Jandu would take a greater interest in the law. Jandu had a sinking suspicion that his brother hoped Jandu himself would sign up for the post. In Jandu’s opinion, he couldn’t think of a more horrible job. Sitting for hours on end, in day-long meetings, mediating disputes about cattle and wives and property? Even just thinking about it made him shudder.
“I told Mazar I would finalize the design of the new wrestling arena with Baram first, and then—”
