“When did you admit it for the first time?”
“I went into therapy. Thank God I got a doctor who did not see my homosexuality as a problem.”
“Did he see any problem at all?”
“Yes. He was the first person to suggest to me that I might have a problem understanding what kind of sexual being I am.”
“What kind is that?”
“Bisexual.”
“How long did it take you to absorb that possibility?”
“Years. When I started to do more than just respond with men, I began to see that I wanted them as well as the sex. I met this guy and went to his place and found myself sucking him while he was sucking me, and that was the beginning–basic and limited but a beginning. And Freud aside, I think also that sex with men is more easily attainable, and that’s part of the lure. Casual sex with a strange woman is hard to come by, and in my case, as Fve explained, if I do come across it I have that intimacy bridge to cross. But I would say that by the time I was forty I had accepted myself as a bisexual,”
We were at his apartment when he answered the last question, and he slumped down into an easy chair and sighed. “It didn’t really take, though, until very recently. If it weren’t for the women’s movement and the gay lib explosion, I don’t think I would really believe it even now, despite my doctor. You see, with my knowledge of psychology and my built-in respect for those who practiced it, I found it difficult to go up against the majority opinion. I suppose I really believed my doctor was telling me what I wanted to hear. Everything is how you look at it, after all,”
“How did the women’s movement affect your sexual attitudes toward yourself.”
“ ‘Options’ is the first word that comes to my mind. The idea of permanent roles. It seemed to me that women were questioning that premise and that naturally appealed to me. I’d learned through my bisexual activity that I could play many roles, both active and passive, and they were all me. Aspects of me. I wasn’t just an aggressive and assertive man who, however gentle, makes love to a woman who will eventually give way and become the passive recipient of my superman. Not that I don’t enjoy that role. I do. But I also like being taken, being the passive one. It depends on the situation and the people involved. The possibilities of sexual interaction with other people is so much wider for the bisexual.”
“How extensive is your sexual activity with men?”
“A few years ago I became aware of the gay underground, what’s called a subculture. Actually it’s a chic term to explain what is really middle-class tolerance of a way of life. I like sex. I meet men in the streets and there is still the park and on occasion I go to the baths. Then there are the bars. It’s everywhere, really. The possibility of adventure is around every corner.”
“Do you have any steady male lovers?”
“I have steady male contacts sexually. There have been men I maybe could have loved. A couple of years ago, in fact, I would say I did love a man, John. But people, male or female, make demands in a situation like that, and being married, I can’t meet them.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Well, for instance, someone wants me to stay overnight. I just can’t cut that. What would I say to Alice?”
“Does Alice know you are a bisexual?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Do you and Alice talk about sex?”
“We talk about everything. But when people have a marriage that’s lasted thirty years, I think you have to have had areas private to each person. It doesn’t matter what it is. But you have to have something of your own private to you.”
“What does Alice have?”
“I don’t know. She has something, though; otherwise she couldn’t have kept me so intensely interested all these years.”
“Would you like to know what it is?”
“I would and I wouldn’t.”
“What do you think is missing in your life sexually?”
“I have a fantasy. I meet a lovely woman alone on a stretch of beach or at a party. She’s in her late thirties, intelligent, sexy, and we like each other from the start. I’m impotent the first time, but we get it on after that and we have a beautiful time.”
“An affair?”
“An affair.”
“How does it work out?”
“You mean how does it end? Sadly, but we’re both, as they say, richer for the experience.”
“Do you have such fantasies about meeting a man in that sense?”
“Yes, but only in a passing way. Men are so available that one’s fantasy life isn’t as extensive. Doesn’t have to be.”
“If you were forced to choose between homosexual and heterosexual life, which would you choose?”
“Neither. That’s like asking a person with mixed parentage to choose and be either, say, Italian or Jewish. That person is both. To choose to be one or the other is possible in the sense that choice is possible. But no matter what you choose you’re still going to be Italian and Jewish. I’m bisexual.”
Like all of us, Harold G. lives in this world, and, like all of us, his psychosexual health is subject to whatever social pressure he encounters. Until recently, despite a lifetime of consistent sexual contact with women, he believed himself to be a closet homosexual. As an intelligent, educated man he could not rationalize his homosexual activity away. He believed himself to be a secret homosexual because bisexuality, as all intelligent, educated people believed, did not exist. Only with the advent of various liberation movements was he able to see the possibility, as he puts it, of “options.” If I had interviewed him before he achieved this new awareness, I would not have considered him a healthy bisexual. What makes him healthy is not only that he functions well in his work, that he is socially adept, that he is capable of deep intimacy with others over long periods of time, or even that he is relatively happy. All those things would not be enough if he still believed himself to be a closet homosexual, because there is too much inner conflict in such a belief to allow anyone to be considered healthy. But, interestingly, he let his preconceptions go when he saw the bisexual truth of himself. False belief was imposed on him by a society intent on the “either-or” solution to complex personal situations. It’s unfortunate that Harold had to reach his middle years before acquiring this knowledge. But better late than never. Much better.
Harold G. is not, of course, a perfect sexual being. No one is. He says that his oldest brother is locked into the gay life and therefore “desperate”; in some ways, of course, Harold is also locked into his life with Alice. Although it appears to be an excellent relationship, some of his fantasies and activities might be seen as having an edge of desperation. Also, while his impotence isn’t a major stumbling block, it is there nonetheless and indicates some sexual conflict. But relative to his generation, he seems a healthy man, and as of recently, a healthy bisexual.
Hazel C.
Hazel is a delight. That was my first impression when she showed up at a Bisexual Forum discussion group some time ago. My initial impression has been strengthened since. I have gotten to know her well through her frequent attendance at the Forum and the one formal interview she agreed to tape.
Hazel, who is 29, shares a Greenwich Village high-rise apartment with Larry, who is 33. When I had asked her whether or not she lived alone, she said:
“I was taking an evening accounting class at N.Y.U. and needed a tutor. Larry helped me get an A-minus in the course. We began going together and after six months we took this great apartment. That was two years ago.”
“Have you been seeing anyone else at the same time?”
“No. At least not for the last eighteen months. He satisfies me in so many ways that I have no desire to see others–men or women.”
“I gather that your relationship with him is good. What are your future plans for the two of you?”
“My fantasy is to stay with Larry for the rest of my life. We are
thinking of marriage, but we both need more time. I want to be sure, and he takes a long time accepting responsibility. But when he does he does. Then there is the question of my being black and his being white, though we’re both cool about it.”
“Do you want children?”
“Yes, both of us do. If we do get married I want to bring my Richie up from Baton Rouge and have him finally live with me.”
At the age of 16 Hazel had given birth to a son, Richie. She had been seeing the father, Bill, for over two years. Although she didn’t want to marry him, she continued to see him until she left Louisiana when she was 18.
“Was Bill the first man you ever had sex with?” I asked.
“Yes. At fourteen I started to play around with Bill. He taught me a lot. He made me feel comfortable about sex. Most of my sexual life and dealing with men I learned from him. I liked him a lot but we both saw other people at the same time. Even when Richie was born, I knew I didn’t want to be tied down to him. What is more, I didn’t want to be in Baton Rouge.”
“Why?”
“My mother. I had to get away from her. She has this conservative religious outlook and a domineering way of expressing it. She just got all over me. Never let up. She’s so cautious about everything. So in 19661 just had had it. Really had it. So I picked up and came to New York. My older sister was a big help. She, with my mother’s help, brought Richie up. He’s thirteen now. A real big boy. My sister did a good job. I mean he’s well behaved, full of fun. He laughs a lot. Last Christmas we spent a lot of nice time together. We talked about his coming to live with me. I want that so much.”
“What did you do when you arrived in New York?”
“Well, I had enough money for, say, a month, so right away I found this sleep-in servant job in New Rochelle. You can imagine how I loved that, after leaving home to get away from taking orders. Anyway, my second day here I met this guy. He was ten years older. We moved in together after three months and then we had three months together before we had this real bad scene. He held on too tight. I was ‘his woman’ and all of that stuff. I couldn’t believe it. It was like living at home again. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk to anyone. Anyone. He was insanely jealous. One night when he was away, I packed my stuff and moved out. I stayed with a friend who had a studio.”
“What jobs have you held here?”
“I’ve had about eight jobs in these past eleven years. All kinds. But the jobs got better. Babysitter, receptionist, gal Friday, secretary. Now I’m executive secretary to the president of a corporation. I like it. The business is medium-sized so I’m not lost in it like a number. I’m a person there.”
“How many men have you been with since you began going out?”
Spreading her hands as wide as her smile, she said, “A lot. Probably close to a hundred. I find it easy to meet men. They find me attractive and make the first move. Since I’m not shy, I also approach men, that is if I’m interested.”
“Have all the relationships been short ones?”
“Most have except the three important ones, the three men I’ve loved and love. Larry, the one I’m living with. Bill in Baton Rouge. And Craig. I followed Craig out to California for a year when his company transferred him. I lived four years with him.”
“Were you monogamous with Craig?”
“We both were for the first three years. He was bisexual and I was only the third woman he’d ever had. But we got along well. He had men from time to time that last year. In fact, he introduced me to Jane, the first woman I ever made love with.”
“How many women have you been with since Jane?”
She took a sip of her Coke and curled her legs up on the sofa. “Let’s see. I met Jane in 1974 and one year later we made it. We only had sex two times in all before I came back to New York. In New York I made love with two other women before I met Larry. So altogether there have been three women and four lesbian experiences.”
“Are you physically attracted to women?”
“Yes. Some women turn me on just seeing them walk down the street. Especially their breasts–a low décolleté showing big boobs is a real turn-on. Also women’s thighs.”
“Do you enjoy sex more with a woman or with a man?”
“With men. Women aren’t as satisfying for me. I guess it’s because I enjoy heavy penetration of the vagina with a strong intensity. Jane used her fingers, but it wasn’t as satisfying as a penis. But with women I enjoy touching and feeling flesh, especially breasts. I like caressing and sucking. I also like to kiss. In fact, I’m pretty active with both men and women in bed. I like doing the work and being on top although I enjoy different positions, too, like being on my hands and knees and getting it from the back.”
“How often do you have sex?”
She smiled. “It depends on Larry’s mood. Mine as well, I guess, but on the average four or five times a week. We both dig sex and each other.”
“When did you first consider yourself bisexual?”
“In California with Craig. We saw a lot of gays and lesbians there. I had always considered myself straight. But then I had to work out in my head the role of the lesbian. I didn’t want to scare off women, especially Jane, to whom I was strongly attracted. It became clear when I realized that I’m bisexual. That’s how I allowed myself to make it with Jane the first time.”
“Where on the Kinsey scale do you think you belong?” (See for an explanation of the Kinsey hetero/homosexual scale.)
“Philosophically I’m smack in the middle–a ‘four,’ fifty-fifty. Though my experience is much more with men, I’m open to women just as much. If Larry and I ever split up, I think I could love and live with a woman. In fact, my therapist’s remark a number of years ago had a very strong influence on me. He once said that when you want to give or get love, it makes no difference which sex you get it from.”
“How long have you been in therapy? Why did you begin it?”
“I’ve been going off and on since 1972. I’ve been in a group now for the last year and a half. I began because I started to have crying fits and didn’t know why. My friend who was in therapy herself told me I should get help, and I did. I saw a Sullivanian who really helped me get in touch with my feelings–especially my bottled-up anger toward my mother and toward my boss at that time, who laid down some pretty strict rules at work. It was an excellent move, going into therapy. My relationships improved. Everything.”
“Do you consider yourself healthy?”
She smiled, paused, and said, “If you had asked me that in 1972 I would have answered that I’m at least somewhat neurotic. But today if we use a health scale of say one to ten, I would say I’m nine, near the top on the healthy side.”
“Who in your life knows about your bisexuality?”
“Larry does, of course. My best girl friend, who’s also bi. All my other gay and bi friends. Some of my straight friends, though my two closest ones don’t. Only my brother Phil in my family knows. Actually I told him this year. He was being hassled at school about the whole issue, although he hasn’t had any homosexual experience, and in the discussion it just naturally came up. In fact, he was surprised to hear that in New York there are people who don’t badmouth you for being gay or bisexual. In Louisiana everyone does, according to Phil, and I can believe it.”
“Have you found that being black affects this aspect of your life?”
“Of course. Specifically I’ve found that I have trouble with a lot of black men. I shy away from them, though some of them turn me on very much. But they’re so macho and their motto is ‘You’re a woman and I’ve got something for you!’ I don’t need that bullshit.”
“One last question. Why, if you’re seeing no one but Larry, do you come almost every week to the Bi-Forum discussions?”
She spoke without hesitation. “I’m able to express myself openly there to both men and women on an emotional level. I’m able to talk straight about my gay side as well as not having to downplay my relationship to men in
general and with Larry in particular. I’m comfortable, open, and I know that people there understand and that it’s okay to feel and be the way I am….”
Hazel is open and relatively comfortable with herself. In her interactions with people at the meetings she is inwardly secure, supportive of others, and gives off warm feelings toward other people and about life in general. She has grown psychologically in the last ten years and is open to more positive change and growth in the future. She is liked by many and loved by her special friends. A healthy bisexual. A lovely woman.
Jane O.
Jane O. is not a patient of mine, but she has shared with me in four formal interviews her fantasies and her sexual history. She is an attractive woman of 38, a bit on the plump side. The plumpness suits her; it complements an open, generous nature. She married early, at 17, had several affairs while married, and was divorced after 20 years.
“You’re from San Francisco originally?” I asked.
“Yes, my father worked for one of the large multinational corporations. When I was twelve, he was made vice-president in charge of everything and we all moved to New York.”
“All?”
“Yes. My father, mother, two brothers and myself.”
“Was it a happy move?”
“I didn’t mind it. I liked the east. I liked New York. My father was a ‘big deal’ in the business world and as his daughter I benefited socially. I didn’t have it bad at all. My brothers suffered the most.”
“How?”
“They were my father’s hope for immortality, and he really played the patriarch with them. He always had to be in control, and he controlled his sons with an iron hand. Because I was a girl, he left me more or less alone, and although I hated him for it at the time, I now realize that as a girl I was free to be myself. My mother is a nice but rather dull and passive woman. Anyway, I married early to get away from both of them and from what my father was doing to my brothers.”
“Were you the youngest?”
“No. I’m two years younger than my brother Walt and four years older than Andrew.”
The Bisexual Option Page 11
