“No. And he doesn’t know I still own it. I suppose I should’ve taken him there at some point, but it just didn’t seem right to go there without you. We always said we’d take him there together and…”
“We never had a chance to,” I say, finishing his thought. “It was too hard for me to go back. But I should’ve just done it. I think Garret would’ve liked seeing where I grew up, and where his grandparents lived.”
“We can still go there, Rachel. We’ll plan a trip. We’ll take the whole family.”
Family. My heart warms hearing him say that. Talking as if nothing has changed. As if we’re all still a family. I was so afraid he wouldn’t see it that way anymore. That I’d be an outsider after being gone for so long.
“I would love that,” I tell him.
He nods. “Then we’ll bring up the idea to Garret.” He glances at the table. “Shall we finish our dinner?”
I go back to my chair, and as we continue eating, my mind fills with questions, about Pearce and me and where we go from here. I get the feeling Pearce wants to continue where we left off, but that’s not really possible anymore. For fifteen years, he’s had a different life. A life without me, and that’s not just going to go away or change because I’m back.
“So do you think you’ll stay in Connecticut?” I ask, then realize he doesn’t really have a choice. “I guess you have to for Lilly’s sake.”
“It’s more for work than for Lilly. She has some friends there, but she wouldn’t be opposed to moving.” He chuckles. “She used to beg me to move out here next to Jade and Garret. But we’ve remained in Connecticut because the company headquarters is still there.”
I’ve only finished half my meal but I’m done eating and set my fork down. Pearce does as well.
“We should talk about this,” he says.
“About what?”
“About where you want to live.”
“I haven’t really thought about it.”
“I’m getting the feeling you don’t want to live in Connecticut.”
I’m not sure what his comment means. Does he want to know where I’ll be living so he can come visit me? Or does he want us to live together?
“I’d rather not live on the East Coast,” I say. “I feel like I’d be surrounded by enemies there.”
He nods. “I understand. So where would you like to live?”
“Probably out here. I want to be close to Garret and his family.”
“I see.” He glances down at the table and slides his plate aside.
He seems disappointed and a little sad, and I realize my comment just implied I don’t want to be with him. That’s not what I meant. But I don’t know what he wants me to say. He has a new life and a daughter and I don’t know how I fit in that. I have to ask. I can’t keep guessing.
“Pearce. What are we doing here?”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know why you’re asking these questions. I don’t know why we’re here at this hotel. I don’t know what you want. You have this whole new life that I’m not part of and I don’t know where we go from here.”
“Let’s go sit somewhere else.” He gets up from the table and comes around to pull out my chair. We both go sit on the couch, turning to face each other.
“You asked me what I want,” he says. “So here’s my answer.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
22
RACHEL
Pearce takes my hand, gazing into my eyes. “What I want is to have you back in my life. I don’t want to rush you or pressure you in any way. I know you’ve been through a lot and learned things about me that you didn’t know before. But my hope is that we can get past that and be together again, as husband and wife.” His hand moves to the side of my face. “I love you, Rachel. I’ve never stopped loving you. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved.” He pauses. “I asked you where you’d like to live because I want to be wherever you are. Now that I finally have you back, I don’t want us to be apart. If you want to live in California, then I’ll move here.”
“But you said you need to live in Connecticut because of the company.”
“I own the company. I can live wherever I choose. No one is telling me what to do. I’ll make it work. I want to be with you. And whatever I have to do to make that happen, I will do it.” He waits for me to say something and when I don’t, he says, “But if that’s not what you want, I understand.”
“Pearce, I do want that. But you have a new life now and I don’t expect you to change everything now that I’m back.”
“That’s not for you to worry about. Any inconveniences that come from whatever changes I need to make are nothing compared to what you’ve gone through. You were nearly killed and had to go into hiding and then were held hostage in that town. And that was all because of me. Because I exposed you to this world that you weren’t even aware existed. And I can’t apologize enough for that. Truthfully, when you told me you knew about the organization, I assumed you’d want nothing to do with me.”
“I’ve had a lot of time to think about that. And it’s that part of your life that concerns me the most when I think about our future together. I don’t like that you’re part of that group, or that you hid it from me for all those years. Jack explained why you had to keep it a secret, but by doing so, I feel like I didn’t really know you. Part of me still feels that way. I don’t know who this man is that does these terrible things. That’s not the Pearce I know.”
He sighs. “I never wanted to do those things. I was forced to be a member and forced to do what they told me to do. But I’m no longer part of it.”
“You’re not?”
“I’m still a member, but I’m no longer involved in their activities. I don’t even go to the meetings.”
“Why are they allowing that?”
“It’s another long story, but basically there were some reporters who suspected I belonged to a secret group and they were following me around, watching my every move. The organization felt it was too risky to have me involved in their activities so I haven’t been for several years now.”
“But eventually, they’ll involve you again.”
“It’s possible, but Rachel, the organization has changed how it operates. It’s significantly different than when I was first a member. They aren’t doing the things they used to do.”
“Are they still rigging elections? Killing people?”
He hesitates. “I’m not allowed to tell you that.”
“This is what I mean, Pearce. You’ll always be living this secret life.”
“It’s not a secret life. You’re now aware that I’m part of it. You just don’t know everything about it. And it’s better if you don’t. I don’t share this information with Jade or Garret either. They know the group exists and that’s all they need to know. I’m so far removed from the organization that even I don’t know everything that’s going on there.”
“So you’re not still doing things for them?”
“No, I haven’t had an assignment in years.”
“You talked about killing Leland as if it wasn’t a big deal. Killing someone is a big deal, Pearce. It’s murder. People go to prison for that.”
“In my world, they don’t. Rich and powerful people can get away with things. It may be wrong, but it’s the way it is and always has been. Did anyone go to prison for taking down that plane?”
“No,” I say quietly, remembering the articles I read about the crash when I was looking things up on the Internet that day I went to Naples years ago.
“When Leland rigged that plane,” Pearce says, “he killed five people, and it would’ve been six if you’d been on board. And yet he was never punished. There was never an investigation. No jail time. No bond to pay. Nothing. He just continued on with his life. And if he found out you were alive and then killed you, he wouldn’t go to prison. He’d go on living as if nothing had happened. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“That you feel y
ou have no choice but to kill Leland. But I still don’t like it.”
“I don’t either. If there were some other way to deal with him, I would. I promise you I would.” He lightly rubs my hand. “Rachel, I am not some evil monster. I spent years thinking I was, and I hated myself for it. But then Jack told me that I cannot define myself by the things they force me to do. It took me years to accept that, but doing so freed me from the guilt that used to consume me. So please, don’t define me that way.”
“I don’t think you’re evil, Pearce. I understand that you didn’t want to do those things. But I am worried about what they’ll make you do in the future and whether I can be okay with the fact that you’re doing those things again.”
“Rachel, I’m telling you, they’ve changed. It’s not like it was before.”
I nod. “I think I just need some time to think about this.”
“What does that mean for us? How much time do you need? Weeks? Months? Longer than that?”
“I don’t know.”
“So while you think about this, you don’t want us living together?”
I’m not sure how to answer him. The truth is I do want to live with him. I don’t want us to be apart. But I also don’t want to live in fear, knowing he’s still part of this group that tried to kill me.
“Can I answer that question later?” I ask.
“Of course.”
Someone knocks on the door. “Room service.”
Pearce goes over and opens the door. The waiter who set up our dinner is standing there.
“Are you finished with your meal?” he asks Pearce.
“Yes. You can clean it up.”
The waiter comes in and clears the dishes but doesn’t take the table down. Instead he brings in a big bowl of something with two spoons. Pearce follows him out to the hall and I hear him thank the man.
Pearce returns with a bouquet of yellow tulips in a vase. He used to always bring me tulips when we were dating. I stand up and smile as he hands me the flowers.
“For you,” he says and kisses my cheek.
“Thank you. That’s very sweet.”
“Come have dessert.” He leads me back to the table. “I hope you don’t mind sharing.”
I smile even more when I see the dessert. “Did you special order this for me?”
“I did. I think the waiter found it to be a rather odd request, especially since I asked for a specific brand of cookie.”
The dessert is a cookie sundae. I don’t tell him that Garret made me one last night. Besides, this one is more like the one I used to make; chocolate and vanilla ice cream layered with my favorite chocolate chip cookies. The cookies are crumbled up and soaking up the ice cream. The bowl is in the middle of the table so we can share.
“This is so good,” I say, as I savor a chunk of cookie. “I could’ve just had this for dinner.”
He chuckles. “I’m glad you like it.”
“Do you still not eat dessert?”
“I eat ice cream.” He peers up at me and smiles. “Someone got me hooked on it years ago.”
I smile back. “That’s it for desserts? Just ice cream?”
“I also eat carrot cake. The same person who got me hooked on ice cream got me hooked on carrot cake. And I seem to remember her making an apple dessert that was quite good. But I haven’t had it for years.”
“I think you could persuade that person who got you hooked on ice cream to make you that apple dessert.”
“And what would I have to do to persuade her?”
“I’m sure you’ll think of something. You seem like someone who’s very persuasive.”
“I am quite persuasive. Challenge accepted.”
His tone is very flirtatious and it’s making my stomach all fluttery like we’re on a first date. The chemistry between us is still there. The second I saw him, I felt it again. That spark. That energy. That intense attraction.
I dip my spoon deep into the bowl to find the cookies. “So do you cook? Or do you and Lilly eat out a lot?”
“We have a live-in chef.” He takes a drink of his water. “A friend of yours, actually.”
“A friend of mine?” I try to think of who I used to know who cooks. “You don’t mean Charles, do you?”
He nods. “Yes. He came to work for me right after you left. And when we moved to the new house, I asked him to continue working for us. He lives in the guest house. We’ve become good friends. He’s like a brother to me.”
“I always liked Charles. I’d love to see him again.”
“He’d love to see you as well.” He pauses. “Rachel, I want you to come back to Connecticut with me. As long as you stay at the house, you won’t run into anyone we know.”
“When are you leaving?”
“I was planning to fly home in a week.”
“That’s a long time to be away from work.”
He reaches across the table and slips his hand around mine. “You don’t seem to be getting the fact that I don’t want to be apart from you.”
The touch of his hand sends a ripple of heat through my core and causes my pulse to quicken. How does he do that? No other man has ever had such a strong effect on me. So strong that I drop my spoon in the bowl.
“Are you done?” he asks, assuming that’s what the spoon drop meant.
Half the sundae remains but it was a huge sundae. There was no way the two of us could eat it all.
“Yes, I’m done.”
“We should take a walk. The sun is setting. We could go on the path along the beach.”
Out the window, I notice the pink and orange sky. “That would be nice.”
We get up from the table and Pearce asks, “Would you like to get a sweater? It can get chilly at night.”
“I think I’ll be fine.” I could use some cool air. I’m burning up from all the sexual tension between us.
His arm goes around my waist as we leave the room, and he keeps it there as we go in the elevator and out to the beach. We walk along the path, taking in the gorgeous sunset, the ocean roaring off in the distance. It’s very romantic. This whole evening has been romantic. The hotel suite. The flowers. The champagne. And now a walk along the beach.
Pearce has made it clear he wants me back, and I’m happy about that. Beyond happy. So why aren’t I telling him I want the same thing?
I know why, but I’m trying to ignore it. The truth is that I’m scared of that group. The organization. I’m terrified they’ll come after me or my family once they find out I’m alive and back with Pearce. What if they punish Pearce for being with me? Or threaten to hurt Garret unless I leave Pearce alone?
“Rachel.” Pearce stops and turns me toward him. “Why are you so quiet?”
“No reason. I’m just listening to the waves.”
We’re in a secluded area on the stone path that goes from the hotel to the beach. There are flowering bushes all around us and the ocean is off in the distance.
Pearce runs his warm hands down my arms and my heart beats faster. “Are you sure you’re not cold?”
I smile at him. “I’m fine.”
The ocean breeze blows my hair in my face and before I can get it, Pearce does, tucking the strands behind my ear. He keeps his hand there and our eyes meet, that fiery hot sexual tension burning up the air between us.
It seems like minutes go by, but I’m sure it’s only seconds before he slowly leans in and puts his lips to mine. It’s a soft gentle kiss, but it’s followed by another, and another after that. Gentle, sweet kisses. He’s being cautious. Trying not to push me. But now that he’s started this, I want more.
I kiss him back, holding onto his shirt. His hand remains on my face, while his other hand wraps around my waist, drawing me into him. I part my lips and his tongue sweeps over mine.
The sparks I felt earlier have now become fireworks, and my heart beats wildly at his touch. Pearce tightens his hold on me as his kiss goes deeper. Sensations are firing off all up and down my body, a feeling I haven�
��t experienced in fifteen years, not since I was last with Pearce in that hotel room in DC. Words can’t describe how good it feels to kiss him again, to be in his arms, to feel my body come alive after years of feeling nothing.
Minutes go by. I don’t know how many and I don’t care. I don’t want him to stop. Or let me go.
The sound of loud talking from one of the hotel balconies startles us both and our lips part. But we don’t back away. Pearce has me in a such a solid grasp, I couldn’t move if I tried. We’re both breathing hard, and he’s gazing down at me with dark, heated eyes.
I’m clutching the back of his dress shirt. Our bodies are pressed together and I feel his arousal against me. But he’s not backing away. He wants me to feel it.
“Let’s go inside,” he says, low and deep.
It’s dark out now and he keeps his arm around me as we make our way back down the path to the hotel. We go straight to the elevator, but when we get to our room, the waiter is there, taking the table away.
He sees us walk in. “Sorry. I was just leaving.” He wheels the table out and Pearce shuts the door behind him.
That short interruption was enough for me to rethink what we were about to do. I feel like we should wait. We still have so much to talk about.
“Do you want to watch TV?” I ask.
“No.” His eyes still have that look of desire. Need. Want.
“Maybe we should talk some more.”
He’s quiet for a moment, his eyes on me, and then he says, “If that’s what you’d like to do, then yes, we can talk.”
“Or maybe we could just watch TV. I feel like I’m all talked out for tonight.”
“Whatever you’d like.”
We sit on the couch, right next to each other. Pearce puts his arm out and I immediately snuggle up against his side. He smiles at how quickly I moved into my spot. He knows how much l used to love being next to him like this when we’d watch TV. I still love it.
A couple hours go by and I don’t even know what we watched. It doesn’t matter. What matters is being together like this again. It feels so natural. So right.
Around eleven, I sit up a little. “I think I’ll go to sleep.”
Only Her Page 22