Probably not she figured, at least not around his daughter.
Fatherhood seemed to agree with him. She wondered for a moment how Paul would react after their baby was born.
He had been extra attentive since they'd found out, driving her crazy when he wouldn't let her do things like carry groceries in from the car even if the bags weighed practically nothing, or stand too long at the sink to do the dishes.
She hated to think what he'd be like when she was further along. She figured he’d probably let her do virtually nothing for herself. Though she didn't figure him for a man that would be repulsed by an obviously pregnant woman's body, she didn't figure him for a man that would be completely turned on either as some men were. She thought that he'd probably be more concerned about what their sexual activity would do to the baby.
And that wasn't something that she looked forward to she mused as she pulled into the clinic. She was still a few minutes early for her appointment, but her suspicions that Paul had already arrived were confirmed when she noticed his car parked a few spaces down the parking lot. She figured Luke probably hadn't minded having sex with his wife when she was later into her pregnancy. She'd heard that women in their second or third trimester were known to be rather horny, and Luke had certainly never turned down sex with her when she'd offered.
Unlike Paul, she thought with a quiet sigh as she opened the door of the clinic, who still sometimes turned down her advances.
She knew he was a busy man, but it still bugged her that he turned her down when she obviously wanted sex, though luckily it wasn't something he did often.
She found herself looking into a worried pair of blue eyes, and then ended up in his arms. "Damn Sierra, you should have called if you were going to be late. I thought you'd been in an accident."
She gave him a quick kiss, glancing at the clock and seeing that she had made it with two minutes to spare for her one o'clock appointment.
"I'm on time. You shouldn't worry so damn much."
Paul gave her a look as if he had every right to be so worried about his wife and unborn child that it bordered on paranoid. "I'll let them know you're here."
She sat down in an uncomfortable chair, paging through a dated parenting magazine, until he returned to her side. Then she set aside the magazine. He took her hand.
"I'm concerned for your safety, especially with all those crazy drivers out there. Since we found out you were pregnant, I've been thinking that it had to be too good to be true. I've got a beautiful, smart wife, a great job. Now with a baby on the way, I'm just. . . You've made me so happy Sierra. I'm afraid to lose you, especially while you're carrying our child."
"You're not going to lose me Paul."
She was glad when the nurse called her name to go back to see the doctor as the moment was beginning to stretch on a little long. It made her a little uncomfortable, as they sat in the doctor's office, her husband clutching her hand as if she was going to slip away any minute, looking at her earnestly with his baby blue eyes.
Everything was fine with the baby. As they walked together towards their separate cars, Paul took her hand. ”Go home and get some rest."
"You heard the doctor say that at this point at least it's better if I continue my normal activities. If I slow down too much, labor is going to be hell."
"I know.” He leaned over to give her a kiss as she unlocked her car. "Just don't do too much. I wouldn't want you to strain yourself."
"I hardly think that vacuuming the living room is going to hurt our child Paul," she said with a curt laugh.
He narrowed his eyes. "Make sure that you make time for a short nap at least. Don't worry about dinner. I'll throw something together when I get home."
She nodded at him. Although her cooking skills had improved somewhat, she still wasn't the whiz in the kitchen that he was. Most of the nights she was supposed to cook they ended up eating something that came out of a box, or the sandwiches and takeout that had been her specialty when they'd been in school.
"I love you Mrs. Brooks."
"I love you Mr. Brooks." She gave him a little wave as he went to his car, to return to work.
When had she let herself get so positively domestic, she thought as she pulled out of the lot headed towards home?
She didn't mind being married, didn’t really mind being pregnant, though she was not in love with the whole morning sickness deal. The very idea of the expansion of her almost flat belly to accommodate the child growing in her womb was certainly not something she was looking forward to either.
It was not much different from sharing an apartment with him in college. She'd woken up with him in bed beside her for so long that she wouldn't know what to do had he not been there. But she disliked the idea of them turning into the old married couple that she’d felt slipping up on them even in their college days.
She did not want herself to turn into the harried housewife dragging fussy children with her to the grocery store, giving up her career to be nothing more than a stay at home mom. She didn't think badly of women who stayed at home to raise their children. She found it admirable that some women could take care of one or more small children day in and day out with sometimes seemingly little help from hard working spouses and not end up in a padded room. But it was not the life that she'd envisioned for herself. And that too, had caused an argument between her and Paul.
He'd wanted her to take a year off from work after she gave birth, giving that time exclusively to the raising of their child.
She'd adamantly told him that she wouldn't have a job to go back to if she took so much time off and had finally convinced him that the month before she was due and the roughly two months after birth that she'd allotted would be plenty of time for her to spend creating a bond with their child.
He'd also wanted her to breastfeed their child exclusively, an idea that she wasn't totally against, but she figured that it would be too complicated to nurse a child when she was back at work, having to go through the whole headache of pumping and storing breast milk.
They'd come to an uneasy agreement about that also. She'd agreed to breastfeed exclusively for the first month or so, slowly weaning the child off of the breast and to a bottle as it was time for her to return to work.
She wished that he would lighten up a little where her pregnancy and their child were concerned.
He had absolutely agonized over the choosing of a doctor to monitor her pregnancy and deliver their child. Choosing a daycare to care for their child when she returned to work was brutal.
He'd dragged her to three different day care centers, before he'd finally decided that the small facility that was run by an old grandmotherly woman and her sister out of an old beautifully restored Victorian house would serve well enough to take care of their child. He'd put down quite a hefty deposit, as the women were only allowed to take care of so many children at a time. Their services were well known, coveted almost.
She rolled her eyes when she thought of what Paul would think if he knew that the woman and her "sister" were a lesbian couple.
He wasn't bigoted or homophobic, just old fashioned, and wanted only the best for their child. She was unsure that being cared for by lesbians would fit into his ideas of their child's idyllic childhood. When she'd told Verna Johnson about the women that would care for their child and had been told that the women were lovers, she'd decided to keep that little bit of info to herself.
Chapter 19
Sierra’s morning sickness eased as the days passed. She found that she enjoyed teaching Alexis, who was a bright and imaginative little girl. She was obviously proud of her dad the song writer and her mom who Sierra learned ran a book store virtually by herself.
Her pregnancy progressed smoothly until she went in for her six month appointment. The doctor seemed a little worried, telling Sierra that she should be gaining more weight and that her iron was still low, though she was taking her prenatal vitamins religiously.
Paul threw a fit, thinki
ng that their child was in imminent danger. He told Sierra in no uncertain terms that she needed to quit working immediately for the sake of their child. She refused, knowing that she would be putting her job in jeopardy if she quit working now when she'd started less than a year ago. There would be almost no way for them to hold her job for her for six months instead of the three that she'd planned to take for maternity leave.
He told her that her job mattered little when it came to the health of their child. That they would make it fine on his salary alone, even with the rent payments on their two bedroom house when they were trying to save for a down payment for a house of their own, the payments on his car, the things they still needed to buy for the baby, etc etc.
She brought up the idea of babysitting in their home for extra money but he'd refused that, too, saying that she didn't need to be chasing screaming children around in her condition.
She'd wanted to cry when she gave her notice at the school, and Verna had seemed so sympathetic that she almost had.
She'd been told that while they couldn't hold the job for her indefinitely, they had interviewed a woman that had been willing to take on the job for a few months. She was coming out of retirement to do so. Sierra brightened a little at the idea of a better chance of a job to go back to.
But her spirits were still low as the days went on, having little or nothing to do at home. Paul had hired a maid to come in twice as week so she wouldn't have to "strain herself" taking care of things like the laundry and the simple upkeep of the house.
She figured that with her virtual bed rest labor was going to be excruciating but at least Paul seemed satisfied when the doctor told them that her weight looked better and her iron was back to where it should be with the added vitamins he'd given her.
She was lying on their bed reading a romance novel one afternoon when the phone rang. She figured that she had to get her sex fix somewhere as Paul had refused to make love to her for the past month.
"Hello." She didn’t bother to look at the caller id, thinking it was Paul checking up on her again.
"Sierra?"
"Yeah." She sat up in bed, feeling her heart start to pound. It was Luke.
"It's Luke. I was worried about you. Alexis said that you hadn't been at school for a while. I hope everything's okay."
"I had a little problem with the pregnancy. The doctor thought that I should be gaining more weight and my iron was a little low, but Paul freaked out and made me quit working all together."
It felt strange discussing this with him on the phone, as if they were friends instead of ex lovers.
"I see. I've kinda wanted to talk to you for a while now. If you’re not busy tomorrow I thought we could meet so we could talk some things out."
Her heart started beating triple time.
What could he want to talk to her about she thought? Could she go, should she go?
It would be so good to see him, especially without the almost chaotic atmosphere of the school between them. But wouldn't it be wrong to meet someone that she still wondered if she had feelings for, behind her husband's back? There was no way she could tell Paul about such a meeting. He would probably pull up stakes right then and there and drive out of town in a u haul the very next day.
"I um, I guess."
She licked lips that had gone dry, wondering where their meeting would take place.
Some sleazy motel? No she thought. Luke had more class than that. And he didn't want to meet her for sex. Or did he?
She felt a blush rise to her cheeks at the thought. Sex had been in the forefront of her mind so much lately. With Paul's insistence that they shouldn't make love because it might somehow in some unfathomable (to Sierra at least) way hurt their child, she was feeling rather sexually deprived.
"Okay, good. I gotta drop Alexis off at school, but can you meet me around ten?"
"Okay.”
Oh what was she doing Sierra wondered? She couldn't do this, shouldn't do this.
She didn't know exactly what was on Luke's mind, but she knew what was creeping uncomfortably into hers and it had nothing to do with conversation.
He rattled off an address then. She scrawled it onto the pad beside the phone with a shaky hand.
"I'll see you then. Bye Sierra."
"Bye Luke." She replaced the phone and sat back staring at the ceiling.
She quickly deleted the number from the caller id, feeling more than a little guilty. She tore the paper on which she'd written the address and several below it as well off the pad and stuffed them into her purse.
She and Paul shared a quiet dinner that night. As they retired to bed, she tried again unsuccessfully to convince Paul to make love to her. She told him that he was putting her under unneeded stress by leaving a perfectly natural desire unsatisfied.
He'd glared as her before reaching over to turn off the light. She felt as if he was practically calling her a terrible mother already, as she was thinking of her own needs before the needs of their child.
She rolled over as far to her side of the bed as possible. She felt like an empty vessel that was only needed to house the child for nine months that she sometimes already felt that her husband loved more than her.
When Sierra awoke the next morning, after tossing and turning for hours before falling into an uneasy sleep around four am, he'd already left for work.
There was a note on the table beside the bed, telling her once again to take it easy and to call him if she needed anything. More like if the baby needed anything, she thought with a groan as she swung her feet over the side of the bed.
She needed her husband to be something more than a father to their unborn child. She needed to know that he still loved her. That she meant more to him than simply as a mother for his child. That she mattered, too.
She glanced at the clock, and seeing that it was a little after nine a.m., she decided she had time for a quick shower and breakfast before she met Luke.
She agonized over what to wear, finally deciding on a light blue empire waist maternity dress, deciding to leave her hair down.
She made herself a bowl of cereal, and quickly ate it at the kitchen table. She was out the door and in her car a few minutes before ten.
She pulled up in front of a small, single story home a few minutes later, noticing with more than a little relief that Luke's car was already parked in the driveway.
She got out of her car, and slowly walked up the drive. She had raised her hand to knock when he opened the door, gently taking her hand and pulling her into the house with him.
She sat down uneasily on the couch, glancing around her curiously, wondering whose house they were in. "It's my house," he said, as if reading her mind. "I moved in with Kimber when we got married. She had a bigger house. I tried to sell this one at first but found little interest, so I rent it out when I can. It happens to be empty now so. . ."
"Oh, okay."
They sat uncomfortably for a few minutes, neither knowing what to say until Luke broke the silence by saying "So you're probably wondering why I called you here."
She wanted to laugh. She felt like she was back in high school, being summoned to the principal's office for an unknown reason.
"It was a shock to see you at first and I . . ."
She noticed he was twirling his wedding band on his finger. She glanced uncomfortably at her left hand, to the ring finger where her wedding set had started to grow tight on her finger as her fingers swelled with the pregnancy, wishing that she'd left the rings on the night stand at home.
“It almost felt like there were things left unsaid when we split up. I sort of wanted to clear the air. So we could you know, get on with our lives."
To Sierra, it seemed a strange thing for him to say. They obviously had moved on with their lives, both married to other people and he with a child and she with one on the way.
She looked at him, at the face that she remembered so well, the face of the first man she had woken up in bed with. She wanted so
badly to touch him that she had to force her hand back into her lap before she gave up and reached for him.
"Luke.” She didn’t look at him, not sure if she was ready to hear the answer to the question she was going to ask. "Do you still think of me? Wonder what it would have been like if we'd stayed together? If I'd let you give me what I asked you for?"
She could see the answer in his eyes. She wanted to cry. Wanted to turn back time and accept his ring. Wanted it so badly she could taste it, could taste him, almost as if they'd never been apart.
"I wanted to call you so badly. Thinking that you'd change your mind, thinking that you had to. I couldn't stand the thought of what my life would be like if you didn't. But I never did, thinking that I needed to give you your space. Finally it got to the point that I couldn't face the thought of living in the place where I'd first made love to you without you and I had to go."
"I wish you'd called.”
"Would you have told me that you wanted me back Sierra?"
"Hell, I don't know. I think so but I. . . That's what sucks the most, the not knowing. When I came home for Christmas and I saw that you'd gone I told myself that I couldn't think of you. That it was over and I had to move on. I met Paul and I love him. I really do. I find myself comparing him to you sometimes though. I know it's wrong, but oh Luke, I can't stop."
He took her into his arms. It felt so good, felt so right. She felt at home in his arms after all this time, even with the knowledge of their respective spouses hanging between them.
"I'm sorry that I screwed everything up so badly Luke."
"I was asking for something that you weren't ready to give. I had no right to do that."
"But I. . . You tried to give me what I wanted and I still turned you down. How could I have been so stupid?"
"It's okay baby."
"But it's not Luke. We'll never know now what we could have had."
He took her hand, holding it in his lap.
She wanted to kiss him. Wanted him to make love to her so badly that she could almost feel him inside her. Wanted to hear him tell her that he loved her, that he would always love her.
Misty Reigenborn Romance Boxed Set Page 11
