“You’re contradicting yourself.”
“I know and I’m sorry. You had sex with Kimber right, there was no love involved? It was two bodies pleasing each other.”
“Um, yeah.”
“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about Paul. Men your age are still proud to just have sex with someone, and a lot of them are married.”
“Not me. It wasn’t worth ruining our marriage. I felt so bad when you told me that you had been sleeping with Luke, what he meant to you.”
“I know Paul. I would take it back if I could, especially since it would mean this mess with Kimber never would have happened. But I can’t take what I did back and you can’t take back what you did either. I’m going to be honest with you. I still don’t feel as if I can continue to be your wife until I know that Kimber’s child is Luke’s. I won’t ask you for a divorce until then, because I think that maybe if the baby isn’t yours we can get past this or at least try to get past this. But there’s no point in talking about you coming home or us having any kind of involvement with each other than the fact that we share a child until then.”
“Oh Sierra. I’m so sorry.”
“I know you are. That doesn’t change the fact that I can’t stand by you if Kimber’s child is yours. I know that that’s not what you want to hear, but I’m not going to lie to you now or at any point until we know that Kimber’s baby belongs to Luke.”
“Can we talk more? Maybe if you tell me how you feel we can work something out.”
“We can talk, but it’s not going to change anything. I’ll try to be civil and you can take Nathan whenever you want to, but I’m not going to pretend that I can be the bigger woman and continue to be your wife when you fathered another woman’s child. And Luke and Kimber may have been separated when you had sex with Kimber, but we weren’t.”
“I know. I didn’t go there to have sex with her. I couldn’t even kiss her the day I told her about you and Luke’s affair.”
“You didn’t plan on having sex with her. I didn’t plan on having sex with Luke. Okay, if we’re going to be completely honest here, I think that Luke didn’t plan on having sex with me, but there was a part of me that planned on having sex with him. I felt so bad when you wouldn’t make love to me. I was pregnant and already felt unattractive while being even hornier than usual at the same time. I know that I should have talked to you about that. But when I tried, you brushed me off and made me feel worse. We need to learn how to talk to each other without me acting like a bitch and you being dismissive and stubborn.”
“I’m not stubborn.”
“You are Paul. I understand that your parents had sex two times a week and that they scared the crap out of you when they gave you the sex talk. I understand that you had a really bad experience with a girl that you thought you loved in high school. That stuff sucks, but you can’t let it ruin your sex life forever. If you had married another woman, you might be fine. Some women don’t like sex. I think that that probably has a lot to do with the men they’ve been with, or the way they feel about their bodies, but that’s them. That’s not me. I didn’t like sex until I had it with Luke either. The guy I lost my virginity to wasn’t very good at it.”
Paul groaned. “There’s another guy?”
“Give me a break Paul. I’ve been with four men sexually in my life. Austin, the guy I lost my virginity to, was my high school boyfriend. He was cheating on me and got this other girl pregnant. They’ve been married forever now and have like three or four kids. I didn’t love Austin and when I think about him, I don’t think of us together. I think of him with his wife. Then there was Luke. Luke made me realize that sex could be fantastic. I love him, but I’m in love with you. I don’t think of him like that anymore either. I made the first move when we had the affair. I made the last move the day he came to say goodbye when we had sex. I was wrong. I was selfish. I was trying to hold onto a man that wasn’t mine anymore the minute he met Kimber, when what I really wanted was for you to want to make love to me and have sex with me and to feel like you wanted me even a fraction of as much as I always wanted you. And I had a one night stand when I was drunk in college. I don’t remember his name or his face so you sure as hell don’t have to worry about me trying to find him.”
“I’ve always wanted you.”
“Then don’t be afraid to show me. You’ve been with two women sexually right, me and that girl that gave you the STD in high school?”
“Yeah.”
“So it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if you didn’t know what you were doing in bed. But you do, which tells me that you were more open with her, that she taught you about the things that she liked. I know that it rocked your world when you found out she was messing around and made it ten times worse when you found out you had an STD because of it, but I’m your wife. The woman that you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with. You can tell me what feels good and you can tell me when you’re too tired to make love. But sometimes it might be nice if you’d at least give me a chance to try to get you in the mood instead of just telling me ‘no’ in that tone of voice that annoys the crap out of me.”
“What tone of voice?”
“C’mon Paul. You sound different when you turn me down for sex than when you tell me no about anything else. It’s like the gentlemanly part of you doesn’t want to offend me, but the rest of you is like ‘hell no I don’t want to have sex with you’.”
“I don’t want to offend you. But I have never thought of you in a ‘hell no I don’t want to have sex with you’ kind of a way. It was always because I really was tired or I had to get up early in the morning or you did. You like some things that make me feel a little uncomfortable and you might turn me off a little bit here and there because you can get a little kinky, but you’re gorgeous Sierra and you have a beautiful body. It doesn’t take much for you to turn me on.”
“It makes you uncomfortable that I want to have sex when I’m on my period. I’m not asking you to go down on me while I’m on the rag, although some guys do that. That’s a little too weird even for me. You’re washable and I’m sensitive then. It feels good to me. But it’s seven days and I think I can survive without sex for seven days every month if you can be more open and sexual the rest of the month. I’m really not kinky or I don’t like to think of myself as kinky. I like to be on top during sex because it feels good to me. I know that it feels good to you too, but you think of it as me being aggressive. I like to smack your ass sometimes because you have a very cute ass. I want to try new positions because they might feel good too. If we don’t like them, we never have to do them again. It’s okay to try new things.”
“I think maybe I could be okay with having sex with you every once in a while when you’re on your period, because I know it does feel good for you. Sex with you always feels good for me, but sometimes if I think too much, it kills the mood. I like it when you’re on top, but sometimes it does seem like you’re doing it to exert your dominance. I’m not saying that we can’t both wear the pants in our family or that I think you are any less important than me in any way shape or form, but I have to feel like a man. You’re so independent that sometimes I wonder if you need me at all.”
“Of course I need you Paul. I just don’t need you to take care of me the way that some women need their men to take care of them. I need to know that if we got divorced or that you died, I would be okay. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be sad or miss you, but I have to know that my world will not come to a halt if you leave me in one form or another. We have a child and I have to be able to take care of him if you’re not around. You’re Nathan’s father and he needs you. I will never try to keep you away from our child. You’re a wonderful father and I think every child should see both parents unless one of them is majorly screwed up and isn’t doing anything to change or is something terrible like a child molester. We can talk while we’re separated. We can talk about sex and our feelings and all of that. It’s good that we’re trying to be
honest. But we are going to be separated until I know that you are not the father of Kimber’s child.”
Paul sighed. “Okay. It really hurts though.”
“I know babe. It hurts me too. But I’m not going to lie to you and say that I feel okay about playing stepmom or whatever in the hell it would be to Kimber’s kid just to stay out of divorce court when I don’t and I don’t think I ever will.”
“I’m so sorry Sierra.”
“Honey, I knew that you were sorry the first time you said it. But sorry doesn’t cut it. I know that you feel like shit about this whole business of my affair and your affair. I do too. But it happened and we have to move on with our lives. I’m tired Paul. I’m going to bed.”
“I love you. Can we talk again soon?”
“We’ll talk when you drop Nathan off. You’re bringing him home on Sunday right?”
“Yes, Sunday evening around six if that’s okay. Can I cook you dinner?”
“No. Please don’t try to push me. I can’t be your friend right now Paul. I know that you’re trying to act like a gentleman and that you know I can’t cook worth a damn. I also realize that it’s deeply ingrained in you to be a gentleman and to want to take care of me. But you’re already taking care of me. We’re separated and you’re still paying all of the bills and letting me stay home to take care of Nathan. That is so much more than a lot of men would do, especially considering the fact that I kicked you out and didn’t want to be a stay at home mom in the first place.”
“You’re so good with him and who better to take care of a child than his mother?”
“I know Paul. That’s why it sucks to think of going back to work even though a big part of me wants to. I appreciate everything you’re doing. If you were another man, I’d think you were doing all of this so that you could sweet talk your way back into my heart. But that’s not you. You’re doing this because you think it’s the right thing to do.”
“A man taking care of his wife and child is the right thing to do.”
“It would be nice if more men felt the way that you do. Goodnight Paul.”
“Goodnight Sierra. I love you.”
“I love you too Paul. Bye.”
Sierra had hung up so he did too. He sighed and wondered if he should drink a beer while he had his son. He wanted one, especially after the conversation he had had with Sierra, but he didn’t like to think of himself drinking around his child.
He decided against the beer, made one last check on his son who was still sleeping peacefully in the travel playpen, and readied himself for bed.
Kimber
Kimber missed Luke so much that she could hardly stand it. It had been hard to explain to Alexis that Daddy wasn’t going to be living with them at least for a little while, even though she could still see him. Alexis had not appreciated the concept and had cried for so long that Kimber had called Luke and let Alexis talk to him as long as she wanted to. She had calmed down after her father had assured her that they would be seeing plenty of each other, though Luke had told Kimber that he had promised Alexis that they would spend the weekend together.
As Friday drew near, Kimber got more and more nervous. She hadn’t seen Luke in person since he’d stormed out of their house. Listening to his voice on the phone got to her enough as it was. She was pretty sure that she would break down as soon as their daughter was out the door with Daddy.
She packed Alexis’s bag and they waited patiently on the couch together for Luke to arrive. He knocked when he did, which kind of bugged Kimber, but she gave him a smile when she saw him standing on the doorstep. He was so damned handsome she thought.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi.”
Alexis moved between them and threw herself at her father’s legs. “Daddy I missed you.”
Luke took Alexis into his arms. “I missed you too baby. Have you been good for Mommy?”
“Yes. Where do you live Daddy?”
“I’ll show you sweetheart. It’s not a house, but there’s a park nearby and it’s close to your school and to Mommy.”
“Okay.”
Luke set Alexis on her feet and then turned to Kimber. “So I’ll bring her back Sunday night if that’s okay.”
“If you want, you can keep her Sunday night too. If you’ll take her to school Monday morning, I’ll pick her up.”
“Okay. Kimber are you okay? I worry about you.”
Kimber laughed, though it felt strained. “I worry about me too sometimes. Well, and the baby of course. Can I call you after bedtime?”
“Yeah. I’ll see you. Thank you for being so good about letting me see Alexis.”
“I was the one that messed up this time. I should have handled it better last time too. She’s so lost without you.”
Kimber handed Luke Alexis’s bag. Alexis was already halfway out the door.
“Hey,” Luke said. “Give Mommy a hug and a kiss and no jungle gym. Daddy has to be your only jungle gym until Mommy has the baby remember?”
Alexis gave her father a solemn nod. “Yes Daddy.”
Kimber took her daughter into her arms for a brief hug. “I love you baby. Be good for Daddy.”
Alexis kissed her mother. “I love you Mommy. I’ll be good. Bye. Bye baby in Mommy’s tummy.”
Kimber smiled and then set Alexis down. She immediately ran back to her father. “Bye Alexis. Bye Luke.”
Luke gave her one last long look and then took their daughter’s hand and walked away. She stood in the doorway until he had strapped Alexis into her car seat and pulled out of the driveway. Kimber let out the sigh that had been building up and shut the door.
She tried to read a book, but she couldn’t concentrate. She was sure that the time until Alexis’s bedtime seemed to take three times as long as it really did. She took a long shower and then crawled into bed. She dialed Luke’s cell phone fifteen minutes after their daughter’s bedtime.
He answered on the first ring. “Hi. She just fell asleep. She’s excited about hanging out with Daddy, but I think she’s really confused over the fact that I’m not living with you anymore.”
“Yeah. If she was older it would be easier to explain but probably even harder on her. So, I’m guessing that you still feel the way you did before about everything huh?”
Luke sighed. “Kimber, I love you so much but we can’t lie to ourselves or to each other. This isn’t just us we’re talking about here. It also involves two innocent children.”
“I know. But do you want to talk about it? You can ask me anything and I’ll be completely honest with you.”
“I think I know all that I need to know about what happened between you and Paul. You two had sex to get revenge on Sierra and I, even though you didn’t plan on telling us about it. You didn’t use protection and you haven’t had a period since you were with him. There’s a better chance that the child is mine since we were together without protection around that time both before and after we separated. Does that about cover it?”
“You sound like you have no emotion Luke. I know that it hurts, but you can tell me how you feel. I won’t get mad at you. You might hurt me with something that you say, but I know that you wouldn’t say hurtful things to me on purpose.”
“How did you feel when you found out I’d been sleeping with Sierra? Pretty crappy right? Well, I felt the same way when you told me the baby could be Paul’s only worse because a baby changes everything. I was so happy when you told me you were pregnant again. I realized that the timing could have been better since we’d just gotten back together after my affair, but I thought that we would move on and our marriage would be strong again, maybe even stronger than before since I wasn’t completely honest with you in the first place.”
“Okay. So your major problem is the fact that the child I carry may not be yours. I understand that completely. That was one of the reasons I had earlier made the decision not to tell you. Yes, it was selfish and a crappy thing to do but I didn’t want what’s going on right now to happe
n.”
“I understand that Kimber and I don’t blame you for feeling that way, but it would have been a truly selfish thing for you to continue to hide this. How would I have felt if the baby wasn’t mine and I’d found out years down the road in some terrible situation where some random doctor said you can’t donate a kidney or some damned thing to this child because you’re not the natural father? How would Paul have felt if he would have missed his child’s whole damned life because you wanted to save your marriage?”
“It’s not just our marriage. It’s his marriage too.”
“Yeah. And that’s why you two made the decision not to tell us. It was enough for you to fuck and think that you had gotten back at us, but it wasn’t worth ruining either of your marriages over. I know that what I did with Sierra is still hard for you to understand, but that’s part of the reason I didn’t want to tell you. My affair was not worth ruining our marriage over either. We were all pretty damned selfish. But we can’t be selfish anymore. There is a baby involved. And we have to act like grownups because we are the grownups.”
“I know that Luke. But it’s so hard to think of raising this baby without you. I know that it’s selfish for me to ask you to do something that you’re not comfortable with, but I’m scared to death.”
“Kimber, you are a wonderful mother. If worse comes to worst and we divorce and the baby is Paul’s, you will do fine. It is scary. Whenever I thought about losing you and having to raise Alexis by myself, it scared the shit out of me. But I knew that I could do it. I’m strong, but you’re stronger. You put up with a bunch of bull from your parents, and from the stupid men that you dated that didn’t deserve you. You were running your own business at 24 and that’s something that some people never do in their whole lives. And you’ll never be alone. I’d like to think that if we do get divorced that we could be friends. I am man enough to take both of the kids when you need a break, whether the baby’s mine or not.”
“Thank you. I guess I should probably let you go now.”
Misty Reigenborn Romance Boxed Set Page 19
