“I see. How did that make you feel?”
Luke gave Kimber a look that she couldn’t read, and she felt like her heart skipped a beat.
“Do I have to talk about this?”
“If something makes you uncomfortable you don’t need to speak of it. But I do believe it’s important to get your thoughts and feelings out into the open so that you and your wife will understand what led to both of your affairs and will be able to communicate better in the future.”
Luke took a deep breath and then let it out. “Okay. Um, when I looked at Sierra while she was pregnant, there were times that I wished the baby was mine. But I knew it was wrong to feel that way. I also believe that Kimber is the woman I was meant to be with and that even if Sierra and I had gotten married that it wouldn’t have worked out. But when you’re doing something that you know you shouldn’t, sometimes you have to justify it to be able to look at yourself in the mirror. So I justified it in my head. I told myself that I loved Sierra and that if her husband was taking better care of her, that she wouldn’t have turned to me.”
“I see. Was the day of the birth of Sierra’s child the last time you two were intimate?”
“No. I brought her flowers and chocolates and an outfit for her son. I dropped it off at her house while Alexis was at school. We had sex that day too. I know that was really wrong because I went over there to tell her that we couldn’t see each other anymore.”
“But you didn’t see her again after that, at least intimately?”
“Right.”
“Do you believe you would have told your wife about your affair if Sierra hadn’t confessed to her husband and he hadn’t told Kimber?”
“I knew that Kimber had had bad relationships before we were together. She was really cautious about marrying me, even though I know she loves me. So, I wasn’t really planning on telling her. At least right away. I didn’t want to hurt her and I didn’t want to lose her either. It’s selfish and wrong, but Sierra and I had closed the door on our relationship for good.”
“Ah. Kimber, what led to your sexual encounter with Paul?”
“When he told me about Luke and Sierra’s affair, he wanted to kiss me but he couldn’t do it.”
“Okay. Did you find Paul attractive?”
“Yes, but before then, the thought of being with a man besides Luke didn’t cross my mind in anything other than a casual way. We’re human so we find people other than our spouses attractive. We may even fantasize about them, or sometimes, even if you have a great sex life with your spouse, it’s exciting to think of someone else while you’re making love, even if it’s only for a little while. I had done that before, but our sex life was never an issue. Paul wanted to kiss me because he wanted Sierra to feel the way that he felt.”
“Do you feel that revenge is the motivation behind what led to your affair?”
“Yes. Um, it was a few weeks later. Luke and I were still separated. I missed him so much but I couldn’t let him come home because our marriage did feel like a lie. After he told me about Sierra and what he’d had with her, I felt like I was his second choice and that bugged me. It was always in the back of my mind that even if I let him come home and we worked on our marriage, that there would always be a chance that he would leave me for her because she was the one he really wanted to be with.”
“Did you tell him this?”
“Our communication wasn’t very good while we were separated, especially since I lied to Alexis about him being away on a trip. I let her talk to him on the phone, but when Luke and I talked, it was a lot of yelling. It was a lot easier for me to be angry with him than to let myself feel the way I felt underneath.”
“And how did you feel underneath?”
“Hurt, betrayed. I had thought that we had a great marriage and then I looked back on it and wondered if it had ever been real. A few days before I asked him to come home, we started talking instead of just yelling, and I did tell him some of what I felt. But we still hid things from one another.”
“When did you realize you were pregnant?”
“It was a few weeks after Luke returned home. I was scared to death. I hadn’t had a period since I was with Paul. It felt so horrible to think that we had started to get past everything and then I had screwed it all up again by having unprotected sex with Paul.”
“Did you tell Luke as soon as you came to the realization that your child may be Paul’s?”
“Um, no. I had made the decision not to tell him. Paul has light blonde hair and blue eyes too and I convinced myself that besides the fact that there was a greater chance that the baby was Luke’s anyway since I’d been with him more than once and it was also unprotected, that my coloring was similar enough to Paul’s that no one would ever suspect that the child was someone else’s even if it was born with lighter coloring than Luke’s.”
“At that time, did you plan on telling Paul even if you hadn’t planned on telling Luke?”
“No. That night, he came into the store and told me that he had gone home to Sierra and that they were leaving town. He told me that he loved her and wanted their marriage to work. So in my head, I justified my decision not to tell Luke doubly by the fact that letting my secret out could ruin two marriages and complicate the lives of three innocent children. But after a while, I couldn’t live with the guilt anymore. It was hard for me to look Luke in the eye and I was so afraid that my stress was going to hurt the baby.”
“Luke, how did you feel when your wife told you that the child she carried may not be yours?”
“When she first told me she’d slept with Paul, I think that she was a little freaked out that I took it so casually. It wasn’t casual and two wrongs don’t make a right, but what can you really say when your wife tells you that she had sex with someone else once when you were technically separated, when you had messed around a bunch of times yourself? I couldn’t logically jump down her throat for having a one night stand. It bugged me a little that it was with Paul. It didn’t make sense to me in any way shape or form since a lot of Paul’s problems with Sierra had been sexual, but when it dawned on me that Kimber was telling me the baby might not be mine, I felt like I’d been hit by a freight train. That made it all so different.”
“So you believe that if there wasn’t a chance that your wife’s child was another man’s that your marriage would have continued with no problems?”
“Well, I’m guessing that maybe we would have or at least should have thought about therapy, but I think that it would have been a lot easier to get past it if there wasn’t a chance the baby is Paul’s.”
“But you two are living together as man and wife again, is that right?”
“Yes. It was really hard for me to be away from Kimber. I love her so much and I never wanted our marriage to turn out like this. But I also knew that the baby was more important than me whether or not he’s mine. So I couldn’t go home until I was sure that I could be the kind of man that could raise another man’s child and treat the child like I treat my daughter, love the child like I love my daughter.”
“Kimber, how do you feel about the fact that you may carry a child that belongs to a man other than your husband, about raising that child with or without Luke?”
“I have a feeling not only that the baby is a boy, but that he is Luke’s, but of course that’s what I’ve been hoping and praying for since I found out I was pregnant and realized that I hadn’t had my cycle since I was with Paul. It’s going to be easier all around if the baby is Luke’s. But if he’s not I’ll deal with it. No, I don’t mean deal with it. I’ll love my child regardless, but everything will be so much less complicated if the child is Luke’s. We have come to the agreement that Paul will be part of the child’s life if he chooses. We’ll get a DNA test and set up visitation and all that.”
“How does the thought of paternity tests and visitation make you feel Kimber?”
“Kinda panicky. I wouldn’t blame Luke if he hadn’t been able to come home to me a
fter I told him. We did also come to the agreement if the child is Paul’s and there ever comes a time when Luke believes he can’t be my husband anymore and raise a child that’s not his that he will walk away. Thinking about that hurts, but I know it’s the right thing to do. The baby didn’t ask to be born into this situation.”
“Uh huh. Luke, do you feel comfortable talking with Kimber about any reservations you might have about raising a child that’s not yours?”
“Mostly. I try to think of it like being a stepparent and that idea never really bothered me before. I like to think that if Kimber had had a child when I’d met her that I could have been a good stepdad. It feels different since we were married when it happened, but if I believed that I couldn’t do the right thing where the child is concerned I would be strong enough to walk away.”
“What do you feel is the ‘right thing’ Luke?”
“Um, to me it always seemed like a guy shouldn’t marry a woman that had children with another man if he couldn’t treat them the way he’d treat his own kids. Yeah, they already have a father, but if you can’t deal with the fact that a woman has kids with someone besides you, you should stay away from her. Even though we’re the adults, sometimes we don’t always act the way that we should where our children are concerned, men or women.”
“Uh huh.” The therapist glanced at her watch. “We should wrap up. Is there anything that you feel like you need to add before our next appointment Kimber?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Good. How about you Luke?”
“Nope. Thank you.”
“Of course. I will see you next week then. Same time as long as that works for you.”
Kimber nodded. “Yes.”
She felt a little overwhelmed as she followed Luke out of the office. She wasn’t sure that their session had gone as well as she’d hoped it would, that she’d been able to communicate what she’d really needed to communicate. She was feeling a little angry over some of what he had said too.
Luke squeezed her hand. “That went well, don’t you think?”
“Uh yeah. We’ll talk about it later.”
“Okay.”
He took her hand and led her out to retrieve their daughter, seemingly oblivious to her tension.
Luke
Luke felt good about the therapy session. He felt comfortable talking to the kind therapist and thought that she would help him and Kimber work through their problems and make their marriage stronger.
Alexis was talking with the grandmotherly receptionist when they returned to the waiting room. He held out his hand to his beloved daughter. “Time to go home sweetheart.”
“I colored this for you Daddy. And this one is for Mommy and the baby in her belly.”
Luke accepted the offered paper and handed the other to Kimber. Kimber thanked their daughter but he thought that her smile looked forced and he wondered what was bothering her. She always seemed tense lately, but he’d thought that the family counseling would help them.
They drove back to their house. He played a game with Alexis while Kimber lay down for a nap. He made them dinner. They ate without speaking much to each other since Alexis kept a steady stream of chatter like usual. He helped Alexis with her bath and then Kimber read her the chosen bedtime story. When Kimber returned to their bedroom he put his arms around her.
“Babe what’s wrong?”
“You seemed thrilled with the way the therapy session went. I wasn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Well, some of what you said bugged me. Even though you say that you know your affair was wrong and that you don’t justify it anymore, it kind of seems like you do.”
Luke sighed. “Kimber, I know that what I did with Sierra was wrong. But it’s a lot easier for me to think of me making love to a woman that I love than to think of you having hot, sweaty sex with Paul when he seems to be a less than enthusiastic lover, at least with his own damned wife.”
“So it’s better that you ‘made love’ to Sierra than that I just had sex with Paul. It seems to me that it’s the same difference. If I wasn’t pregnant, what I did would seem to be a lot more acceptable than what you did. We were not separated in any form when you were with Sierra and I was with Paul once and not multiple times over a span of months. You know what has always bugged me even more than the fact that you might never had told me about her?”
“What?” Luke suddenly wanted a cigarette.
“The fact that I would never have suspected you of cheating. Oh, when we first got together I watched you when we went out together to see if you were giving other women more than a second look. When we moved in together, I read up on the warning signs of cheating men. Not that I didn’t already know some of them from personal experience, but there are some things that aren’t quite as obvious. When you find lipstick on your man’s collar and you don’t wear lipstick or panties in his car that are three sizes too small to be yours, you think damn he’s screwing around. When he acts secretive you might think he’s screwing around. But with a guy like you, if you’re being a little secretive or distant, it might be because you’re stressed about your songwriting or you want to do something really special for me and want it to be a surprise. But you did not raise one red flag with me. Our sex life was as good as it always had been, I never caught even a trace of her scent on you or your clothes, and you weren’t home any less than you ever had been. I guess it was convenient that you still had your house then and could sleep with her while Alexis was at school.”
“Babe I thought we got past all of that when you decided to let me come home. It doesn’t feel real wonderful to know that you might be pregnant with another man’s child either, but if we agonize over every little detail, we might as well throw in the towel and get a divorce now. Let me give you a massage.”
Kimber sighed. “I’m sorry Luke. It just feels strange to tell a stranger all of the personal details of our lives together.”
“Babe, that’s the point of therapy. They listen and they give you advice when you need it. Talking is supposed to help you feel better. We can’t keep everything bottled up inside and keep lying.”
“I know. I’ll probably feel better about it next time. She seems really good with Alexis, even though Alexis had no clue what we were doing there.”
“You expected that anyway. She’s young. And by the time she’s old enough to understand we should feel more comfortable explaining all of this to her.”
“Yeah. I have a feeling she’s going to look at us and say, why are you telling me this?”
“She might. But it’s better that we’re honest with her than that she hears it by chance from some gossip.”
“Definitely. I would appreciate a massage.”
Luke helped Kimber off with her clothes. He gave her a full body massage and then they made love. He hoped that she felt better about their therapy session and that she felt a little better all around, because he hated to see her stressed. He knew she was worried about how it might affect the baby.
Sierra
Sierra sighed when she glanced at the screen of her cell phone and she saw that it was Paul. She wasn’t really in the mood to talk to him and hear some mundane question about Nathan that he already knew the answer to. She felt bad for being annoyed by his phone calls, but it hurt to hear his voice sometimes and it definitely hurt to see him, especially after they had made love. It also bugged her that she had a feeling he was trying to sweet talk his way through the wall that she had tried to build around her heart when she had learned of his betrayal.
She picked up her phone. “What?”
“Hello to you too Sierra. It’s nice to know that you enjoy hearing from me. I have a question for you.”
“You always have a question for me Paul. And they usually have a pretty damned obvious answer. I miss you too, but you’re not helping your case by bugging the crap out of me. Or by bringing me flowers or offering to cook me dinner or hire a housekeeper or any other sweet thing tha
t you’re trying to do.”
“Sierra.”
“Don’t Paul. Ask me your question so that I can finish my glass of wine, take my bath and go to bed.”
“There are two kinds of diapers in the diaper bag. Does it matter which kind I use?”
“You seriously called to ask me such a ridiculous question? If you want me to get to the nitty gritty details, we ran out of one brand and I decided to try a cheaper brand. He’s never had any kind of a reaction to a diaper and he’s hardly had even a little diaper rash, so I figured the brand that was a step right below the brand I usually buy in price would be fine. He hasn’t had any problems with them. Are you satisfied? Was my answer detailed enough for you?”
“Sometimes I wonder if you hate me Sierra.”
“I don’t hate you Paul. I’m sorry that I’m such a bitch. I’m worried about spending too much money, I’m worried about you not having enough time with Nathan, and I miss you. Oh, and I’m horny all the time. Well, obviously not all the time because I have an infant to care for and he pretty much takes all of my attention while he’s awake. When he’s asleep though, there goes my sex drive.”
“I could take care of that for you. No strings attached.”
“Shut the hell up Paul. You can’t have no strings attached sex with me. It blows my mind to think that you had a casual encounter with Kimber. You are not a casual sex kind of a guy.”
“I know. But I could. . .”
“No. When my sexual frustration level rises too high, I have a vibrator. That really is no strings attached.”
“Sierra.”
“Stop. Do you need anything else?”
“You don’t have to buy cheap diapers. We are fine on money. I promise.”
“They’re not the dirt cheap generic kind. And if they bothered him, I’d go back to buying the expensive brand. I’m not neglecting our son to save money.”
Misty Reigenborn Romance Boxed Set Page 24
