"I don't want you to have to do that."
"Don't worry about it. You've got more important things to worry about. Tell her to quit her job. I’ll loan you a grand to pay off that asshole so she can get the hell out of that place."
"Daylin you already do way too much for me."
"I have to pick up the slack because you do way too much for Lucy. At least you won't have to worry about covering your rent and hers now. I assume that since your Mom is dragging you out house hunting that she's finally decided that it's okay that you two live together."
Cameron grinned. "Yeah, the whole pregnant thing kind of cemented it."
"How's her mom taking the whole thing?"
"Better than we expected. She was more scared about telling her mom than she was my mom."
"Your mom loves her. She wanted you to marry her years ago until she found out Lucy shared her mother's fascination with the bottle."
"Yeah," Cameron said softly. "Well, I guess I'd better get back. Thanks for breakfast. Maybe we'll see you again, Jess? Lucy likes you. She thinks you're going to be really good for Daylin."
"Wow, she has Lucy's seal of approval?" Daylin said.
Why did she feel like she was eavesdropping again Jess wondered?
"Yep. We had a bet about how long it would be before you talked her into bed."
Her face was on fire again. Was she that transparent she wondered?
"Oops, sorry Jess. I'll call you Daylin, and thanks."
"Thanks for embarrassing Jess," Daylin said.
"I said I was sorry," Cameron said.
"It's okay," she said weakly, not looking at either of them.
"See, no worries bro. See ya'll later." Cameron gave them a wave and then he was gone.
"Sorry.” Daylin said. "Cameron's not used to being around someone that I really care about."
She looked up at him. "It's okay. We're adults. I guess it was pretty obvious from what he walked in on us doing that we'd had sex."
He squeezed her hand. "I don't want you to be embarrassed about it. It's obviously not something you take lightly."
She shrugged, wishing she could take it more lightly. Wishing that he hadn't awakened something in her that had been dormant for a very long time.
"So what do you want to do on this beautiful Sunday?"
"I don't know."
"Do you need anything? Do you want anything?"
"I'm fine."
"Do you want to use my phone? Don't you need to call your stepmom?"
"I don't think I'm ready for that. My mom gave me her e-mail address. I think I might be more comfortable e-mailing her, at least at first."
"Okay, you can use my computer then." She followed him out to the living room. He turned to her. "Why don't you have a cell phone or a computer? Some form of communication?"
"I never had anybody to call Daylin.”
"I can get a really good deal. Nice, free phone. We can add it my plan. It wouldn't be much more a month than what I'm paying now."
"No way Daylin." She logged into her e-mail account. "You’re not going to buy me anything."
"You are stubborn aren't you?"
She rolled her eyes at him, copying her stepmother's e-mail address from her mom's letter and starting a new e-mail. When she'd done that, she didn't know what to say. Say to the love of her father's life that she'd never met, who if he'd only been able to stay with; would have guaranteed that she didn't exist because her father would have never met her mother.
She decided to keep it simple and typed out ‘Hi Selana, this is Jess, your stepdaughter I guess. My mom told me that he's gone. I am so sorry. She told me about the money too. Keep it. Give it to your kids. I'm sure that they can use it for college. I'd like to meet you sometime and my half brother and sister too, but I'm not ready yet. I'm not sure when I will be. If it's okay with you, I'll let you know. I didn't see it in the funeral announcement. Can you please tell me where my Dad is buried? Thank you. Jess.’
She was crying when she hit send. Would there be a time when it didn't hurt that her father was gone she wondered? She understood now why he had left and she didn't blame him. She blamed her mother more for not telling her the truth a long time ago, but why did he have to be gone? Why did her chance to see him have to be lost forever?
Daylin pulled her into his arms. "Let it out baby. Let it all out."
She didn't know how long she let herself cry. She just knew that she felt drained when Daylin pulled away and reached for the box of Kleenex on the coffee table, handing it to her.
She pulled a handful out, blowing her nose and wiping her face. "I'm sorry Daylin.”
"Nothing to be sorry about. At least it's not me you're crying over.”
"Funny, Daylin.”
"There's a nice park with a trail nearby. What do you say about a walk and a picnic?"
"Sure.”
"Good. Let me see if I can dig out the picnic basket. I think it's in the garage somewhere. If there's anything else you need to look at on the computer feel free, or you know where the remote is."
She nodded. He disappeared in the direction of the garage.
She browsed the news online and then when he still hadn't come back, turned on the TV. It was another fifteen minutes before he returned. He was covered in dust.
She laughed. "I would have figured the garage was as well organized as the rest of the house."
"Um, no. I couldn't find the basket. I guess we'll have to pick one up somewhere. Are you up for champagne?"
She made a face. "Alcohol tastes like the rotten crap that it is."
He laughed. "Good point. I have soda. Let me throw together some sandwiches and chips and then we'll go."
"I can help you.”
"Sit your pretty little butt back on the couch. It's no trouble."
She made another face at him. If he wasn't driving her crazy with one thing, he was driving her crazy with another.
"Do you prefer mustard or mayo?" He called, poking his head out from behind the refrigerator door.
"Mayo.”
"Ham or turkey?"
"Either is fine Daylin. Why don't you let me make my own sandwich?"
"I'll get it. It'll be just a minute."
She sighed and sat back on the couch and lit a cigarette.
A few minutes later Daylin came out to the living room with a cooler and said with a shrug "Not quite as romantic as a picnic basket, but it does the job."
"I'll bet you don't have a romantic bone in your body Daylin.”
"Was it not romantic making love in the rain?"
"I think I'd call it something else.”
He laughed. "Okay. You want romance Jess? I'll show you romance."
"No, I don't want romance. I was only kidding."
"Every woman wants romance." He took her hand and helped her up from the couch.
"No Daylin, they do not.”
"I've never met one that hasn't.”
"Now you have.”
"What made you give up on romance Jess?"
She followed him out to his car. "Nothing." She shook her head. "Everything."
"I can change your mind darlin'. I can change your mind about so much." He opened the passenger door for her and then went around to the driver's side.
She slid onto the seat, hiding a sigh. "Stop it Daylin, please. I am begging you to just stop it."
"Why?"
"I’m not what you want me to be. I’m not what anybody wants me to be. I don't know how anymore."
"You can learn.”
She laughed. "Right. I'm not even what I want me to be, but then again I have no idea anymore what I want me to be."
"You're young, you're beautiful. You could have anything or be anything that you wanted to be. Have you ever thought about going back to school? What did you want to do before all the shit happened with your stepfather?"
"That's the thing Daylin. I didn't know then. I was planning to go to college, but I never had a clue what I wanted to do wi
th my life."
"So, you were no different than a hell of a lot of eighteen year old kids. And now you're no different than a lot of twenty-four year olds. A lot of them went to college and still don't know what the hell they're doing. There's got to be something you want Jess. If you could do anything right now, be anything, what would you want?"
"Something I can't have.”
The only thing she could really think of that she wanted was for her father to be alive even for five minutes so she could tell him how much she loved him, how much she'd missed him and that she didn't blame him, not anymore.
"That unfortunately is something that we can't do darlin’. Bring back the dead, turn back time. That's why we have to do the best we can with what we do have, what we can do. Where would you live if you could live anywhere?"
"I don't know Daylin."
She'd seen enough shithole towns that they all looked alike. It didn't matter, home was nowhere she thought.
"C'mon Jess, live a little. There's got to be something you want."
"No Daylin. Unfortunately there's not."
He sighed as he pulled into the parking lot of a grassy park. "That's not much of a way to live Jess."
"And your point is?"
"Don't you ever want to get married, to have children? Have a life?"
"No, I don't."
"Don't let your parents’ experiences scare you away Jess. There's someone out there for everyone."
"What makes you believe that Daylin?" She looked at him as he opened her door for her.
"Because I met mine.”
"And she's gone." She felt like a bitch for saying it, but it was true and she wanted him to stop thinking what he was thinking. That she was going to save him as much as he wanted to save her.
"She is. But sometimes you get a second chance."
"I'm not your second chance Daylin.”
"Only because you won't let yourself be. Do you want to eat now or after we walk?"
"Now is fine.” If his mouth was full of food he couldn't bug her she thought.
He led her over to a scarred picnic table and sat down across from her, opening the cooler. She had to laugh when he started pulling the food out. She had no idea how he'd gotten it so full. There had to be eight sandwiches, along with four cans of soda and two bottles of water. He also had a plastic bag with two different kinds of chips and a full package of napkins.
"Did you think we were going to be gone all day? We're what, ten minutes from your house?"
He grinned. "I like to be prepared."
"You want me to get fat don't you?”
"I wouldn't care if you were. You'd still be beautiful. Especially pregnant."
And she’d thought he'd shut up when the food was out. "Don't say that word around me again.”
"Pregnant?" He laughed.
"Not even remotely funny. I thought I was pregnant the second time I had sex with my moron of a high school boyfriend. He'd had the condom since he was twelve. If he hadn't already ran for the hills by then he would have at that point."
"He dumped you after he made love to you?” Daylin looked amazed.
She rolled her eyes. "It was hardly making love Daylin. He only told me that he loved me so he could screw me. Then I guess he figured out that I wasn't that great at it."
"He was so wrong.”
She turned away from him and pulled a handful of chips out of the bag, sitting them on a napkin in front of her.
"You are incredible in bed. I haven't seen such passion in a long time."
The discussion was making her want to throw something at him. "I guess that's what you get when you don't have sex for seven years, huh?"
"I don't think it was that Jess. I think you feel the same connection that I feel and your heart doesn't want to admit it but your body can't help it."
She was going to scream she thought. "Enough Daylin."
"You can't hide it Jess. You can't push everything down. Eventually it all comes up. When it's been hidden and pushed down for so long, it just hurts more when you finally deal with it."
"I’m fine Daylin. For the last fucking time, I am fine."
"You are not fine. You've let all this torture you for way too long. You don't have to be afraid. You are so much stronger than you know."
"I'm not strong Daylin and I'm not afraid either."
"You are so afraid that I'm going to hurt you that you can hardly sit still. I can see in your eyes that you're thinking of ways to escape. But the problem with that is Jess, if you walk away it's gonna be worse. You'll always wonder. You'll think about our nights together and it will drive you crazy. You'll dream about me."
"You have such an ego Daylin.” But she was afraid he was right.
"What I have Jess, is a heart."
"And I don't?" She popped the top of one of the cans of soda for something to do, though she hated regular soda.
"It's hidden behind a wall.”
She took a drink of the soda and made a face. She felt like she could taste every drop of the sugar and it was disgusting.
"Don't tell me you drink diet soda." He made a face of his own.
"Yes, I do. Maybe that wall around my heart should have been a little smarter and kept my legs shut. Then we wouldn't be having this ridiculous discussion." She gave him a tight smile.
"I wouldn't care if you hadn't let me make love to you. I’d still feel the same way. Yes, my sense of anticipation would be a hell of a lot stronger, but I am after all, only a man."
"You're lying.” Even though she knew he wasn't, she was going to be stubborn until the end she thought. Until she had successfully chased him away. Even if it was beginning to hurt to think about it.
"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't want me Jess.”
She looked him in the eye. "I don't want you Daylin." But her voice cracked when she said his name and her words were hollow.
He reached across the table and took her hand. "It's okay to care. It's okay to feel this way Jess."
She pulled her hand away. "It's not okay for me."
"What is okay for you Jess? Is it okay to drift along and think that nobody cares about you? Is it okay to never let anybody get close to you so that when you're old you're all alone and you've finally managed to get the only thing that you think you deserve? You deserve so much more Jess. You cannot let the thought that maybe you'll get hurt get in the way. We all get hurt. It can't stop you from living."
"My life is fine."
"Okay. Your life is fine. I get it." He got up from the table and threw the remaining sandwiches back into the cooler, smashing the bag of chips as he shoved them back in.
She watched him walk to his car and put the stuff in the back seat. The slam of the door echoed in the stillness. She found that she didn't get a lot of satisfaction from having pissed him off.
"C'mon. I've got some frustration to work off." He held his hand out for hers. When she started to shake her head he said "Please Jess, give me this one little thing."
She gave him her hand. He led her to a trail. When they had walked a little ways down the trail he said "Look Jess, I'm sorry. It is incredibly frustrating to have something that could change both of our lives so close and you ready to give up on it before it's had a chance to really begin."
"It's already gone too far. I've already let you much closer to me than I've let anyone."
"I don't just want your body Jess. I want your heart."
So cliché she thought. “It's holed up behind a big thick wall remember?"
He laughed. "I'll tear it down."
"You do that Daylin.” She was done discussing this crap she thought. She wanted to get the hell out of this town. This was probably the park where he'd got caught screwing his English teacher.
"Is that a challenge?"
"Yeah, sure.”
"Challenge accepted."
She rolled her eyes. "Is there where you were with what's her name?"
"Leave it to Cameron to make that shit s
tick in your head. No, this was not where I did the nasty with Mrs. Nelson. Let me clear this story up because no one gets it, least of all Cameron. Mrs. Nelson is not a frumpy housewife who was the hot teacher when we were in high school. She's still a damn good looking woman even if she has put on a few pounds. And Mr. Nelson is not going to kick my ass. The only reason we did it in the park was because we were both a little drunk and he was at home with their kids. And no, that is not how it sounds either. It was her night to, well her night to go out and get laid. They have an open relationship or I would never have slept with her. They usually go out of town, because this place is not even close to open minded, but their daughter was getting over the flu and she wanted to be close to home. People don't like to see things the way they are sometimes. Like my parents. They still think my brother is perfect even though he can't keep a job and has I don't know how many paternity tests pending. And they’ll never admit that my sister has a very cozy live in lover whom both my sister and brother-in-law happen to be in love with and who happens to love both of them and their kids."
"Wow.”
"Yeah, wow. So you're not the only one whose parents aren't perfect okay? The only thing mine are is perfectly stubborn."
"I'm sorry Daylin.”
"My Dad's going to be the one who's sorry when my Mom dies a really painful death.”
She stopped and put her arms around him. He let her hold him for several minutes and then pulled back and gave her a slow, soft kiss that left her wanting more.
"We're going to shut up about all of this shit for the rest of the day today and just enjoy being together, okay? What do you want for dinner? We'll go to the store and get anything you want."
She was half afraid that they'd run into one of his old lovers at the grocery store, but said nothing. "I don't care."
He sighed. "You'll decide when we get there then. You want to rent a movie?"
"Sure."
"Okay." He gave her another quick kiss and then put his arm around her waist and started back towards the car.
When they were back at the car he pressed her against the car and gave her what was not a quick or a slow kiss. It was rough, almost forceful. It took her breath away.
"I think I could love you Jess.”
She said nothing as she moved back from the door. He opened it for her. She slid in, lighting a cigarette without really thinking.
Misty Reigenborn Romance Boxed Set Page 193
