I wanted to see the guy who nearly popped that freshman’s head off of his neck for touching me. I wanted to see the guy who’d been so pissed at Anderson that he sent him to the hospital. I wanted the guy who had pulled me away from Brody and pressed me against the glass.
I didn’t want controlled Elliott.
I let his hands go and sat up straight. “Maybe I lied. Maybe it’ll happen again. Maybe I didn’t just kiss him, Elliott. Maybe I screwed him.”
He still wouldn’t look at me and I felt that it was vital he have some kind of reaction. I would have been livid if he’d told me that he and Megan shoved their tongues in each other’s mouths while he was my boyfriend. I understood his depression, but he was always like this, just not as extreme.
I stood up. Elliott kept his neck bowed. Stepping away from the buckets, I turned to look at something else. Anything else. “Yeah, come to think of it, you’re totally right. I do need ‘affection’,” I said, adding the air quotes with my fingers, even though he wasn’t looking.
“At least Jason had the courtesy to get pissed when he thought I’d done Aiden.” I glanced back at Elliott and saw that his jaw was tight and the hands that I had just released were clenched together.
“I’m going now. I didn’t realize that I was wasting my time with a robot that would just let his girlfriend go out and …”
My words hadn’t been planned, but even if they had been, I wouldn’t have been able to get them out. I hadn’t heard him get up off his bucket and I certainly hadn’t heard him get so close to me. His arms were around me, spinning me to face him. Although I felt perfectly safe within them, the possessive way he held me was unlike anything I had experienced with him before. Even that day at work, the way he had demanded my attention hadn’t been this forceful.
Quickly, he moved us back until we hit a large wooden work table. He pressed me back into it and my hands moved behind me to grip at the lip of it. I looked up at him. His eyes were burning into me, his jaw still tight. His hands were almost painfully gripping my hips.
It wasn’t the reaction I had anticipated, but I happily accepted his hands on me.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe and as his neck bent and his mouth moved closer to me, I would have gladly given up oxygen for him. He was the only thing I needed.
“Don’t go, SSSophie.”
His lips pressed against the hollow beneath my ear. I rose up on my tip toes and to my surprise, he lifted me up until I was sitting on the table top. He stood between my legs. Elliott’s lips moved along the line of my jaw and his hands tightened. I threw my head back.
I loved his mouth on my neck.
My breath caught as his teeth scraped against the tight band in my neck. Damn, I had no idea pushing him like that would have caused this level of sexual energy between us.
I wasn’t stupid and I knew it wasn’t going to go much further than this, but I was going to enjoy it while it lasted.
His hands moved up from my hips to my waist and he pulled me forward, pressing me closer to him. Elliott’s mouth was on mine now and I let my hands tangle in his hair, my legs tightening around his back, practically merging our bodies together.
We kissed like that for what seemed like a long time but in reality, it might have only been a minute or two.
When he pulled back, like I knew he would, I said, “I’m sorry, Elliott.”
His head was pressed against my shoulder when he nodded.
“I didn’t mean anything I just said.”
He nodded again.
“Can I still be your girlfriend?”
For a third time, Elliott nodded, but this time used his voice as well. “Yes.”
Elliott’s body had responded to being in this position, but I knew he wouldn’t want me to acknowledge it. He stood there in between my legs, resting his head against my shoulder as I let my fingers slide and thread casually through his hair.
After nearly an hour, we went back to the house and lay together in his bed until I decided to start making dinner for him, and by default, his family.
It was nearly six-thirty when Wallace came in. She openly kissed Dr. Dalton, who had been sitting at the kitchen island, pretending to be reading some large book but was really watching me cook. Subtly, I watched the affection that passed between them.
Her fingers tickled the short hairs at the base of his head. He smiled at her and closed his eyes for a moment, before reaching up and taking her hand in his. He kissed her palm.
I had to look away.
I looked at Elliott and saw that he was looking at them, too.
His wounded hand clutched at the measuring cup much too tightly, so I distracted him by asking him to pour a cup of milk into the sauce pan.
“Stephen said you were here.”
I turned to face Wallace again and she gave me a smile.
“It’s good to see you, Sophie.”
I couldn’t find anything to say back to her.
“I invited your father for dinner. I hope you don’t mind, but I didn’t think it was right for him to eat alone.”
I shrugged, but wondered if that meant we were supposed to have another therapy session tonight. I didn’t want one. I just wanted to cook dinner and eat it on the floor in Elliott’s room.
“Okay,” I replied and then busied myself with the vegetables and chicken that needed sautéing.
As much as I wanted to be alone with Elliott, it was clear that I would have to wait. Tom arrived, even though I thought he had to work all day and night. I guess he was asking for special treatment at the firehouse now that he had a “special” daughter. He’d probably go back to work after all of this.
Everyone gathered around the table for the crappy meal I’d created. They all thanked me for making it for them. I held my tongue and didn’t say that I had really made it for Elliott and they were only getting food because they were attached to him.
About fifteen minutes into the meal, I bit into a hot piece of chicken and cringed as my tooth throbbed and shot stabbing pain through my head. I covered my cheek with my hand as if that was going to solve the problem.
“What’s wrong, Soph?”
I looked up to find that everyone was looking at me. I wanted to throw my fork at Tom for drawing everyone’s attention to me, but forks were dangerous. “Nothing. I’m fine.”
“Do you have a tooth that’s bothering you?”
I glanced at Dr. Dalton and then quickly looked away. “No. My teeth are fine.”
“You should let Stephen look at it,” Wallace suggested.
My teeth ground together and I tried to disguise the wince of pain that shot through me. Everyone was looking at me. Everyone but Elliott. His neck was bent and he was staring at his plate. I slid my hand over my thigh and felt the small hard bump inside my pocket. That green rock was a comfort though I had no real idea why.
“It’s fine,” I responded calmly.
I tried to continue eating and after a brief pause, everyone else did the same. It wasn’t until after dinner, when Rebecca, David, and Jane all left that Dr. Dalton asked if he could look into my mouth.
I was absolutely horrified. “What the fuck do you mean, ‘can I see inside your mouth?’”
“Sophie, watch your language,” Tom scolded.
I was out of my seat quickly. “No. He’s not fucking looking at my fucking mouth and I’ll say fuck as many fucking times as I fucking want.”
“He won’t hurt you.”
I looked at Wallace. She was standing now, too.
“Pain means something’s wrong.”
I knew that, but Dr. Dalton would have to touch my face and he would be close to me and as much as his body was extra fine and sexy, I just wasn’t into that right now. Not to mention that they’d all see my stupid burnt tongue.<
br />
I looked at Elliott. He was looking back at me now, his fists curled on top of his thighs. His jaw was tight. He was anxious for me.
I trained my eyes on Wallace. She would be there and even if I didn’t trust her with every one of my hidden secrets, I knew she wouldn’t let someone hurt me.
In the end, I realized that just like with everything else, the adults would get their way, whether I wanted my tooth looked at or not.
“Fine,” I conceded, my voice just barely there. “But you can’t … you can’t … You can just look at it. Nothing else.”
We moved from the dining room to the bright lights of the kitchen. Elliott and Tom weren’t in the room, although Tom leaned against the archway in between the two rooms. I clutched the green rock in my hand.
I was glad that Elliott wasn’t there. I felt like a baby, but I couldn’t help it. Tears welled in my eyes and I wanted so desperately to just have a little buzz going. If I was just a little high, I could have gotten through this bullshit without the tears.
Logically I knew that if my tooth hurt, something was wrong, but as Dr. Dalton’s hand moved closer to my face, I flinched.
Wallace’s soft voice said quietly into my ear, “I won’t let him hurt you. I’m right here.”
I closed my eyes, thinking that it might help, but as I felt warm hands on my cheek, angling my head upward, it most certainly did not help. Instinctively, my eyes popped open and my whole body jerked back, away from Dr. Dalton.
“It’s okay, Sophie.” Her voice was closer to me now as my eyes drifted down the walls to the floor.
Over by the refrigerator there was a cobweb, but like the one in Cierra’s bathroom, it was old. No spider lived there. Dusty blue fuzz hung on it. It needed to be cleaned away.
“I think your tooth’s abscessed,” Dr. Dalton said, drawing my attention away from the fuzzy web.
“What does that mean?”
He stepped away and I wrapped my arms around myself, still holding that chunk of green earth within my hand. “You’ve got a pretty big cavity in one of your left molars. I think it’s infected and the root is basically dying. Your right lymph node is swollen as well.” He looked to Tom. “Probably a root canal or extraction is necessary. She’ll need to start antibiotics right now.”
“When’s the last time you saw a dentist, Sophie?” Wallace asked.
I shook my head, trying to indicate that I didn’t know, but in truth, I did know.
I had never been to a dentist.
A couple of days later I found myself sitting in the squeaky dentist chair, my leg twitching nervously. I held Elliott’s green rock and tried not to freak out. There was a woman in the room but at some point, the dentist would come in. We’d done the x-rays and that was horrible enough.
Why couldn’t Elliott have come with me? Why couldn’t Wallace be here? Why couldn’t we have driven to another town in order to find a female dentist? Why the hell hadn’t I made a midnight run to Jace’s for some weed last night?
Sophie.
I shut my eyes, which was never a good idea, but once they were closed, they wouldn’t open back up.
Beautiful Sophie.
I felt so sick and wished that they had given me at least something to calm my nerves. There was noise to my right and I heard a man’s voice talking to the woman behind me.
“Okay, so we’re just going to do an initial exam. I understand you have a tooth that’s causing you a good deal of pain?”
I couldn’t answer. My voice wouldn’t work. My teeth clenched.
I love your mouth, Sophie.
“While the film’s developing, I’m just going to take a look, okay?” There was a pause and I felt a hand resting on my shoulder. “Open up.”
Open your mouth, dirty girl.
My eyes opened as wide as they could and I flew out of the chair and out of the room. I moved as quickly as I could down the hallway and out into the waiting room. Tom stood up when he saw me and I practically ran to him, shaking my head.
“Yo, Soph, what’s going on?”
I grabbed at his arm, trying to tug him out of the little room. I wanted to be outside in the open air. I kept shaking my head and I wondered at the drops of moisture that went flying off of me.
I was crying.
“Don’t make me do it, Tom. I don’t want to. Don’t let them do it!”
Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for sedation. Despite having just had a tooth removed, I was in no pain and my mind was deliciously blank.
It had taken all day, but with the aid of a nice chemical flow, I let them take out my tooth. It was better than a root canal which would have taken much longer.
Elliott came over in the evening. Tom ordered pizza. I didn’t eat any.
I heated up a can of soup, not because my mouth hurt but because I couldn’t remember if I’d taken any insulin this morning and I was a little too sluggish to figure it all out. Either way, pizza would’ve messed with my blood sugar too much.
I lay with Elliott on my bed. I was thinking about how I wished I was a different person for him, for Tom, for everyone I knew.
“… be better for you,” I whispered.
“W-what?”
I liked how quiet my mind was right now. I liked how I could actually focus on one thought, one topic. “I’ll be better for you, I promise.”
“S-Sophie, I lllllike you r-right now. You don’t hhhhave to b-be b-b-b- …”
It wasn’t that I was ignoring him, but he needed to know. “I can make you proud of me. I promise.”
“W-w-what?”
I reached over, found his arm and pulled it over me. “I want to be with you.” He took in a deep breath and his arm seemed to hold me closer without even tightening. “I want to be good to you, for you. I’m sorry if I’m not good at it.”
I shifted, turning away from him and pillowing my head on my folded arm. “I’m really tired.”
He released a heavy breath. “It w-will get b-better.”
I didn’t feel like talking, so I didn’t. I went to school and outwardly functioned like a human being, but I had no words for the way I felt inside. Elliott was absolutely perfect for me because if anyone in the world understood silence, it was him.
I wanted to talk about his scars, but the words wouldn’t come. I needed him to be here with me and not trapped inside his Bible-quoting head.
I was so tired all the time. I could have bought some coke from Aiden because that would have made me wake the hell up and get me through my days, but I didn’t. Elliott liked me sober, so I had to try to stay that way for him. If I didn’t, I would end up losing him.
Thursday after school, I had a session with Wallace before dinner. Jane decided that she was going to cook, with the help of both David and Trent. I wasn’t looking forward to the meal because from what I saw before heading upstairs, the end results didn’t look promising. I knew they were producing a meal because they felt like I cooked for them too much, but I didn’t mind doing it. Everyone ate well when I cooked.
The fact that they were taking the one thing I could do well away for one night sort of depressed me.
“How are you today, Sophie?”
I shrugged.
“How’s the tooth?”
“It’s not in my mouth anymore, so I have no idea.”
She smiled. “But you feel better?”
I shrugged again. “I feel sad today.”
Her eyebrow arched and she folded her hands together on her lap. “Why do you think that is?”
I didn’t want to think about it because then it would be about dentist freak-outs, memories of burnt tongues and broken bones, whispered voices, and the feeling of hands where they should not have been.
“I don’t know.”
“Is there anyth
ing going on that you’d like to talk about?”
I wanted to be angry that she was asking me anything. I wanted to spit hate at her, but I had no energy.
“I don’t know. I feel like crying.”
“It’s okay to cry.”
I shrugged because I knew that it was okay, but there were no tears for me to release.
“I would love to help you with your emotions, but I need to know more.”
“I know.”
Wallace sighed, her eyes flitting over my face. “But you don’t want to talk?”
“No.”
Her face softened and a gentle smile appeared. “Okay. Do you want to go back downstairs with everyone?”
“Not really.”
“Do you want to see Elliott?”
I wanted to see him but it would just put more pressure on me to be okay when I wasn’t. He worried about me and I worried about him doing that shit. “Not right now.”
“Do you just want to sit here quietly?”
I nodded and when I spoke my answer, it came out as a whisper. “Yes.”
We sat in silence for the better part of an hour. I felt weights pressing on me from all sides. “Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe and all I can do is feel pain.”
She was quick to respond. It was as if she’d been expecting my words. “Yes. You’ve lived a long time without feeling.” She paused. “It’ll get better.”
“That’s what Elliott says.”
She smiled widely now. “He’s very intuitive and a nurturer by nature. He’s in pain when others are. Elliott is very in-tune with both you and Jane.”
I didn’t respond for a while and enjoyed the hum of silence in the room. “I don’t really know who I am, who I’m supposed to be.”
Wallace took a deep breath. “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself. You can be someone completely different today than who you were yesterday. So the question isn’t who are you? The question is who do you want to be?”
N K Smith - [Old Wounds 03] Page 6
