by Skye Turner
“We are talking.”
“I mean can we talk in person. I want to see you.”
He wants to see me? Why?
He made his thoughts clear when he last saw me.
Not really fair, Avangeline. He thought you sold his secrets because he broke your heart.
I know that, but he still hurt me.
You haven’t really been fair to him either, now have you?
Oh, shut up.
Well, shit! I really haven’t!
We do need to talk. Too much has passed between us. We need to just talk without other lovers, past skeletons, and everything else.
I can talk to him. I can talk to him and just let him know what I expect and don’t expect. It’ll be fine. Totally cool.
Yeah, you can handle it. You’re a pro at handling the emotions he evokes, AJ.
Shut the hell up!
“AJ… AJ, are you there?”
I compose myself. “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry. Sure, we can talk. When?”
He hesitates. “How about now?”
“Now? I thought you said in person?”
He chuckles. “I did. I’m driving up. Be there in one minute.”
What? He’s here?
How? Why?
Well, there goes time to prepare. Looking out the window, I see a truck pull up and park. He sits in the seat and stares at the house. I stare back from the window. He sees me in the window and his door opens. Tossing his aviators onto the front seat, he steps out and looks around the yard.
All the air leaves my lungs as I drink in his appearance.
Looking back at me through the window, where I’m frozen in place, he smiles. He heads toward the steps and I race to the door. As he reaches the porch, I take a deep breath and open it.
We just stare at each other. He speaks first. “Hi.”
I automatically say it back as my eyes just absorb his presence. He looks like he’s lost weight and there are lines around his eyes that weren’t there before.
I notice he’s staring at my bump. My hands cradle it. His eyes rise and meet mine. Blue and amber collide.
Time stands still.
Finally, I realize I’m standing in the door and he’s still outside. I step back and gesture for him to come in.
He does and looks around. The cabin is small, only about seven hundred square feet, but it’s mine. The bottom floor is just the kitchen, dining/living room, and bathroom. There’s one bedroom upstairs. The whole place is open and airy with lots of windows. It’s tucked into the woods and behind the house a short distance is a fishing pond.
He finally looks back at me. “This is quaint. Is it yours?”
I nod. “It is. It was my mom’s. She left it to me.”
He walks over and touches the hand carved wooden mantle. He picks up a photograph from the top. After looking it over, he holds it out. “Is this you?”
I take it from him and trace the faces. “It is. My parents and me. I was three. This was taken on our last family vacation. We used to come here a few times a year.”
He looks at the photo again and then at me. His eyes are searching my face, but for what I don’t know.
Finally, I can’t take the silence any longer. “I know you didn’t come here to look at old photos, so what can I do for you, James?”
He stares at me and then sets the photo down. Crossing his arms, he swallows and never breaks eye contact. “You can come home.”
Come home? Home where?
My home? His home?
Why does he want me to come home?
“What do you mean?”
He nods to the couch. “You should sit down.”
I frown. “I’m fine where I am.”
He laughs. “Ok, then I’m going to sit down because this is a serious conversation and I’d really rather not have it while we challenge each other across the room.”
Sighing, I follow him across the room and sit on the couch, but leave a whole cushion between us.
His brow rises as he acknowledges it, but he doesn’t comment. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m feeling fine.”
He nods. “Do you have morning sickness or anything?”
I look at him curiously. “No, I don’t. I haven’t for a few weeks now.”
He stares into the cold fireplace and then looks at me. “Avangeline, I want you to come back with me. I want to be in your life. In the baby’s life.”
Well ok then. Let’s just talk about what you want!
What about what I want!? Do you even care or is this all about you?!
“I am coming back. I was coming back later this week and of course you can be in the baby’s life. You’re the father.”
He’s gritting his teeth.
What’s the problem? I just told him that was fine and I wasn’t going to keep the baby from him.
“And the other part?”
Slapping the couch, I stand up and stomp to the fireplace. Turning, I glare at him. “What do you want, James? What the hell do you want from me?”
He stands up too and crosses the short distance. He only stops when he’s right in front of me. “I want you. All of you. You. The baby. You to love me… I want it all.
“I want everything.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
James
There it is. She asked what I want and I told her. No hesitation. No time to be scared. Just the truth.
I want her. I want the baby. I want her love. I want everything.
She hasn’t responded. She’s just watching me… in silence.
Reaching down, I place my hands over hers… On her stomach… over our baby. She jerks back. “Avangeline.” She stops and looks up at me. “I fucked up. I know that. I colossally messed up. I essentially cheated on you. I betrayed you. And then I hit you with my past as you were already reeling and just left you alone to process everything.
“Maybe that was the wrong thing to do. Maybe it was the wrong time. I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. I can’t change what happened. I can’t change what I did or that I hurt you. I wish I could.
“But we were involved. We had a relationship. We created a child. Together. I have to believe there’s a reason for that. I don’t believe in much. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I don’t know how to be a father. I haven’t had any kind of role models in my life. I did horrible things as a youth and I’ve done selfish things as an adult, but I want this. I want you.
“You are my light in the darkness. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust again. I’ll prove my intentions are pure. Just tell me… tell me what you need me to do… Tell me it’s not too late for us.
“I’m not a man who believes in much, but I do believe in you. I believe in us.”
Her eyes are full of tears and one escapes and creeps down her cheek. She sniffles and removes her hands from underneath mine to wipe them. I can’t move my hands. I’m holding her stomach. The vessel that’s nourishing our baby. I don’t want to let go.
Something happens. I feel a tiny flutter. She gasps. I stare at the spot, willing it to happen again. But, it doesn’t.
Looking up at her, I ask in wonderment, “Was that… was that the baby?”
She smiles. “It was. It only started to where I could really feel it a week ago.”
I press gently on her stomach. “Does it hurt?”
“The baby?”
I nod.
Shaking her head, she smiles. “No, it doesn’t hurt. It’s strange, but in a good way.”
She steps back and my hands fall away. My stomach drops and my chest tightens. “It’s too late, isn’t it?”
She smiles sadly. “James. I get that you want to be in the baby’s life and I understand. I want you in their life, too. But that’s all it can be.”
She doesn’t want me. It really is too late.
I swallow and look away from her. “You don’t love me anymore? I didn’t know you loved me at all. Then, you told me you’d fallen in lov
e with me only to tell me you didn’t anymore.
“I told myself that you were hurt and upset and you didn’t mean it. But, you do, don’t you? It’s too late. I killed it. Too much time has passed?”
She reaches up and cups my cheek. I turn my face into her palm just to feel closer to her. “James, it’s not that. I can’t tell you I don’t care for you. I do. We both have so much baggage. So, so much. I trusted you… and I don’t trust people easily. It killed me to have you betray me. Especially since you knew where I was coming from and why I have trust issues.
“You left me after asking me to be in a relationship with you to have sex with someone else. I don’t think you fully understand the scope of that pain.”
Every word she’s saying is gutting me.
“I was terrified to tell you I was pregnant after all that happened. Terrified, but I never questioned keeping the baby, never. I was always going to tell you. I just wasn’t sure of the when or how. I should have told you before… before the way you found out. That was my fault and I accept full responsibility.
“But to walk into a room, expecting to see you and tell you I was having your baby, and see you with yet another woman in your arms… and for it to be Mitzi… of everyone it could possibly be… for it to be her… It was too much. It’s too much.”
Wait, what? She thinks I was with Mitzi or that I ever touched her!?
I hold up my hand. “Wait… Stop. I have to stop you.” She looks at me warily. “I didn’t… I’ve never been with Mitzi. What you saw… it’s not what you think. She came on to me. She pressed up against me and propositioned me. She wasn’t listening to me and wrapped her arms around my neck. I grabbed her arms and was telling her I wasn’t interested. You walked in as I was pushing her away from me. I’d already told her I wasn’t interested in what she was offering.
“Nothing happened between us. Nothing. I never touched her.”
Her face shows that she doesn’t believe me.
“I swear to you. Since the night with Scarlet all those months ago… I haven’t been with a woman, AJ. I don’t want any other woman. I only want you.”
She shakes her head no and her hand covers her mouth.
I remember something she said when she was at Top Notch Transport.
Mitzi… she said Mitzi was her sister and best friend and that she’d been with her husband…
Good God. Mitzi was the one that Mathais had an affair with and then she saw me with her and thought I was screwing her, too.
No wonder she was so enraged. She really did think I’d fucked her over… doubly.
“It was Mitzi… Mitzi was who slept with Mathais…”
She nods. “Yes, it was.”
I’m not leaving here without her. She does love me. I know she does. If she didn’t, we wouldn’t be talking like this. I know her and I know that she loves me! I’m not giving up.
Go big or go home and I’m going all in, dammit.
*
Avangeline
He’s saying he never hooked up with Mitzi… that he hasn’t touched Scarlet again. That he hasn’t touched anyone…
Is he serious? Can I believe him?
I’m not willing to open myself up to him. I can’t.
You can, AJ. You have to.
No, I’m not doing it. What happens the next time Scarlet calls? What happens when another starlet captures his eye?
I can’t do it. He’s an actor. Making people believe him is his job.
That’s not fair and you know it. He was real with you.
Yeah and I trusted him once. Look where that got me.
Yeah, true. But look where he is right now…
Taking a deep breath and watching him, I say, “I believe you.” He looks apprehensive. “I believe you about Mitzi, James.
“You say you want me. You say you haven’t been with Scarlet. What happens the next time she calls?”
His hand reaches out and traces my cheek. “She calls regularly and we talk. We’re friends, Avangeline. She’s my best friend but the other part of our lives is over. It’s in the past. I know that’s hard for you to believe and I know that’s my fault. But it’s true. I love her. I will always love her. But I’m not in love with her anymore… though, I am in love.” He lightly caresses my face with his finger and my head slightly turns into his touch.
“So is she. And it’s not with me. She’s getting married, Avangeline.”
I try to pull back and escape his touch, but he doesn’t let me. “She’s getting married to a man she loves and who loves her and… I couldn’t be happier for her. She’s a great person. You would actually like her.”
I did like her. I always thought I would really like her, until…
That wasn’t her fault either, AJ. I don’t think she knew…
He keeps talking. “She flew down here to help me find you. She’s who finally got through to Julee about telling me where you were. I’d even tried to hire a PI to look for you, AJ.”
He looks deeply into my eyes and I feel like I’m drowning. “She’s a wonderful person and I believe you two will be great friends. After all, you’re my best girls. And if this one…” he lovingly traces the top of my stomach, “is a girl, then I’ll have three best girls.”
I’m lost in his eyes.
His hands are caressing the tops of mine and goose-bumps are traveling the length of my spine as he continues. “This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. It’s also the most important.” He pulls me into his body. I try to resist. He yanks harder and I fall into his arms. They wrap around me. “I love you. I didn’t know what real, healthy love was. I’ve never had the best examples, but after not having you in my life for a few months, I know what love is. It’s what I feel for you. This is not a young, desperate love. It’s adult, all consuming, and makes a man like me wonder if I even deserve a woman like you. I probably don’t, but I don’t care. I’m holding on tight.
“You loved me once. I don’t know why you would and I don’t know how you could, but I want you to love me again.
“You will love me again.”
I can’t breathe. His words are wrapping around me. I can feel them resonating in my soul. I’m terrified about what I’m doing and the chance he wants me to take, but I know that I want to take it.
I’m terrified of him breaking my heart again, but I’m even more terrified of letting him go and him loving someone else.
Leaning up and breathing against his mouth, I mutter, “I already do.”
And I do. I love him.
He’s not what I thought I wanted. He’s the furthest thing in the world from what I ever imagined I’d end up with, but he’s what I crave.
The heart wants what it wants and my heart wants James Black.
* * *
We’re on the couch in the cabin. We decided to take a couple of days to ourselves to just be… us.
I have Pitch Perfect in the DVD player and James and I are sprawled on the couch. Our hands are linked and resting on my belly while we watch the screen. Every now and then, the baby moves and we can both feel it.
I feel his eyes on me and I turn my head, meeting his doting gaze. “You’re not watching the movie.”
He smiles. “I’m looking at the only thing I want to see.”
My heart warms, but I’m determined to take this slow. Well, as slow as possible considering I’m already pregnant.
“Sweet talker.”
He chuckles. “So, we’re doing this then?”
I squeeze his hand. “I guess we are.”
He turns fully to face me and captures my gaze with those mesmerizing blue eyes of his. “You don’t sound certain.”
Moving, so I disturb our hands, I turn to face him and climb onto my knees. A feat which is not as easy as it once was. “I’m certain that I love you. I’m certain that you think this is what you want. I’m even certain that you love me. What I’m not completely certain about is whether it’s enough.”
He frowns. I place my finger
on his perfectly shaped lips to stop him from speaking. “No, listen. I’m with you. I am. I want to do this and we will do this. But I’m not giving you everything, James. I can’t. I know that’s not what you want to hear and I’m sorry. I’m protecting myself. My heart was broken and my trust in people was shattered before with Mathais. It healed. Then… along came you. I was not looking for you and if someone had told me six months ago that I’d not only sleep with a movie star, but get knocked up and fall in love with one, with you, I’d have laughed in their face at the absurdity. But, I did sleep with you and I did fall in love with you and I am pregnant. That doesn’t make the fact that you hurt me and I don’t trust you go away. I’m sorry, I wish it did. But it doesn’t.
“And that’s why I can’t just throw caution to the wind and jump in head first with you again.”
His face shows how much my statements upset him.
“You betrayed me… the one thing I asked you not to do. You did it and you knew it would hurt me… but you did it anyway. I see that it’s eating you up. I know that you’re sorry and I forgive you. I do. But I can’t forget. And as long as I’m thinking in the back of my head that it could happen again… I can’t just allow myself to go into this blindly and completely trust you.”
His lips are thin and white and the shame in his eyes is undeniable. “You can trust me. I won’t hurt you again, Avangeline. I can’t.”
I don’t trust him. I can’t. And I hate it.
Leaning in, I touch his lips with mine. They are unyielding and I hate that I’m hurting him, but I have to be honest.
I nod in agreement. “I’m sorry. I am. But no, I don’t trust you. Honesty is really important to me. You didn’t lie. You’ve never lied to me. But, you did intentionally do something that you knew would be detrimental to what we had. I know you don’t think you would intentionally hurt me again, but you can. You can hurt me in so many ways. I hope you can understand my stance, James.”
“Are you ever going to trust me?”
I honestly can’t answer that…
Chapter Twenty-Five
James
The Awards are this weekend and I have to fly to L.A. I think I’ve finally talked Avangeline into coming with me. She’s worried about being seen with me on the red carpet when she’s so obviously pregnant, but that’s actually my plan.
