by Sue Shepherd
Within minutes, her dad was home and she heard her mum telling him she wasn’t feeling too well and wouldn’t be down to dinner.
The concern in his voice sent guilt rippling through her. ‘What’s up with my little Betty-Boo? Shall I pop up?’
Pat did a marvellous job of heading him off. ‘No, she’s sleeping. Just a bit of a migraine, I think. Leave her for now, Don.’
Later, she snuck a sandwich, a mug of tea and two bags of cheese and onion crisps upstairs, and told Beth she’d get the test the next day.
Beth lay awake long into the night. She couldn’t stop the images in her head. Her with a huge belly. Her with a baby. Her giving birth! How much would that hurt? Until she took the test, she knew she would think of nothing else.
‘I told you not to sleep with him, didn’t I?’
‘Lisa, do shut up. You did no such thing.’
The next day, Pat kissed Beth goodbye and promised to bring the test home. She told her it would be a kind of cardboard stick and a small plastic pot. ‘Don’t wee for a few hours before the test. OK?’
‘Why?’
‘You need a good strong wee sample for these things. Stop going to the loo a couple of hours before I come home.’
Beth agreed. She phoned in sick at work, knowing there was absolutely no way she could face Kath until she’d had the all clear.
By five o’clock she was waiting in the lounge for her mum. Her bladder was full. Very full.
‘Mum had better hurry up. You won’t have long before Dad comes home.’
‘Shush, Lisa. I’m trying to concentrate.’
‘On what?’
‘On not pissing on the floor!’ It was taking all her self-control not to run to the toilet and release the torrent of wee that was waiting.
Thankfully, at five past five, Pat bristled through the door. ‘Right, let’s get on with it.’
She was prompt and efficient as she produced the small pot from her handbag. She could tell by her daughter’s face exactly what was going on. ‘If you think this is tough, imagine holding your wee in before a scan. It’s a whole other ball game when there’s a great big pregnancy belly pressing on your bladder. I’ve seen them all waiting at the hospital.’
‘Mum, please?’ Beth had done nothing but imagine herself with a pregnancy belly.
‘Go and fill this up and I’ll join you in the bathroom in a sec.’ Pat handed the pot to Beth.
Never having done such a thing as pee in a pot before, Beth was unsure how to go about it. Suffice it to say, her wee had been held in for so long that when she allowed it out, it burst forth like a dam breaking. Most of it landed on either her hand, the toilet seat or, to her shame, the floor. None made its way into the plastic pot.
Pat knocked quickly on the bathroom door. ‘Are you ready?’
‘Oh God, Mum. You’re not going to believe this.’ Beth opened the door and showed the empty pot to her mum.
‘What the devil …?’
‘It came out too fast. I couldn’t …’
‘Bloody hell. Go and get a jug of water and start drinking.’ Pat glanced at her watch.
Beth darted down the stairs. As soon as she reached the bottom, Pat called down. ‘Come to think of it, forget it. There’s no time. Dad will be here in fifteen minutes.’
She ran back up the stairs and met her mum on the landing. ‘What?’
‘There’s no time.’
‘So … when?’
‘We’ll just have to wait until tomorrow. Same plan … only get some pee in the pot next time.’
Beth couldn’t believe she was going to have to wait.
‘What a friggin’ idiot.’
‘Oh, why don’t you shut the hell up, Lisa. You have no idea how hard that was!’
‘I would’ve done it for you?’
‘Yeah. Sure, you would. Shortly before you’d have gone out and got slaughtered!’
Twenty-four hours can pass in one of two ways; if you’re having a gorgeous day at the beach, it’s gone in the blink of an eye. However, if you’re waiting to hear life-changing news, it drags itself along, like a limbless creature over broken glass. Beth thought the wait would never end.
The whole sorry process was repeated the following day. Only this time Beth was successful in getting some of her wee to fall into the pot. Pat dunked the tiny stick in the wee, after a few seconds she removed it and placed it on the side of the sink.
‘What now?’
‘We wait.’ Pat guided her daughter out of the bathroom and they lingered impatiently in the hallway.
Pat checked her watch. ‘Four minutes. OK?’
Beth prayed for a reprieve. She promised God she would never have sex again if He let her off this time. That was an easy promise to make, sex was definitely something she could live without.
After the allotted time, Pat took hold of Beth’s hand and led her into the bathroom. ‘Two lines means it’s a yes. Got it?’
‘OK.’ Picking up the tiny stick, Beth held her fate in her hand. With a quick jerky movement, she turned the stick over. They both gazed downwards.
After a second, Beth’s eyes flicked back up and met Pat’s. Still and silent they stared at one another.
Beth’s shock was reflected in her mum’s expression.
With a disappointed sigh, Pat said, ‘What have you done?’
Beth’s hands moved to her tummy. She cradled it. There was a baby inside.
Eleven
By the time Don was due home they were ready to tell him. Beth found herself walking from room to room thinking, ‘Wherever I go, a tiny baby goes too.’ She thought about the various ways she could kill Mario. She relived their few minutes of ‘passion’ over and over in her head.
Don arrived. Chirpy as ever, he placed his lunchbox on the kitchen counter, as he did every night, and flicked the kettle on, also a nightly routine.
‘Don, can you pop into the lounge, please?’
He walked through, whistling loudly. ‘Either of you two want tea?’
They looked up, their faces sombre.
‘What the hell?’ Don noted the gravity of the situation. The whistling abruptly stopped.
‘Don …’
‘Is it my mother?’
Pat was quick to reassure him. ‘No, no, Nanna’s fine.’
‘Phew. I thought you were going to tell me something awful.’
Taking his hand, Pat led him over to the sofa. ‘Sit yourself down. No one’s dead … yet!’
Of course, it goes without saying, her premonition was right. As soon as he heard the news, Don threatened to kill the boy responsible. Jumping to his feet, he asked, ‘Who is he? What’s his name?’
‘Dad, please. It doesn’t make any difference now. He’s gone. He won’t be back.’
‘Won’t be back? I’ll give him “won’t be back”,’ Don spluttered.
Pat tried to be practical. ‘There’s no point focusing on the boy. We need to think about this baby.’
‘No point focusing on him. I’ll rip his throat out, that’s what I’ll bloody well focus on.’
Beth wanted to die. She absolutely wanted to die. Disappointment was oozing from every one of her dad’s pores. How had she come to be here? How had Mario cocked up her life to such a degree?
Much shouting ensued. It was extremely repetitive. It consisted of Beth apologising as many times as was humanly possible, Don demanding a shotgun wedding, and Pat categorically stating that was not the way forward. Pat was wonderful, she was clearly as angry as Don, and she knew Beth had messed up on a monumental scale, but she tried her hardest to remain calm throughout. If it had been left to Don, Mario would have been castrated as quick as you can say, ‘Goodbye Bollocks,’ but at all times, Pat managed to return the conversation to the important people, Beth and the baby. Mario was gone, there was nothing to be gained by trying to bring him back.
Beth was looking through her mum’s catalogue, admiring the baby clothes. ‘Lisa, look at these tiny sleep suits.’
>
‘Yeah, great. Very pink!’
‘I think it’s a girl, you know.’
‘It’s tiny, Beth. You only found out it was in there three weeks ago. It probably doesn’t even know itself what it is yet.’
‘I think it’s a girl and I think she’s going to be beautiful.’
‘Well, let’s hope she doesn’t have her father’s eyebrows.’
‘She won’t. She might have his gorgeous dark curls though.’
‘Yeah, yeah, yeah. All very interesting.’
‘Don’t be like that. Why aren’t you pleased? You’re going to be an auntie.’
‘Not properly. No one will know.’
‘I’ll know.’
‘Big deal.’
‘It is a big deal. We’re going to have a baby, Lisa. You and I together. Like we used to do everything together.’
‘You’ve changed your bloody tune.’
‘I know I wasn’t pleased when I first found out, but I’ve been thinking about it and … well, I’m quite excited now.’ Beth rubbed her belly.
‘It’d better not hurt.’
‘It won’t hurt you as much as it hurts me, will it? It’ll be like the pick ’n’ mix. You’ll maybe just get a bit of it.’
‘On what planet is childbirth anything like friggin’ pick ’n’ mix? I’m telling you, I don’t want any of the pain.’
‘All right. I’ll have one of those injections that makes your legs go numb.’
‘It’s not your legs you need to worry about!’
‘Anyway, it’s your fault I’m having this baby.’
‘How do you work that one out? I didn’t get you up the duff.’
‘Um … “You should sleep with him, Beth. You should do it before he goes off with someone else, Beth.” Does that ring a bell? You persuaded me to have sex with that stupid boy.’
Lisa was growing bored of the conversation. ‘As you point out to me, soooo often, I can’t actually DO anything. If you had sex with him, it was because you wanted to. End of story.’
‘Fine. I’m only asking you to be happy for me now. That’s all.’
‘I am happy for you. I’m completely ecstatic. Can’t you tell?’
Beth tried a different tack. ‘She’s not much smaller than we were when we first became aware of each other. Do you remember?’
‘Well, let’s hope she takes after you and not me.’
‘Sorry.’ Beth wished she could make it all up to her sister.
‘Please don’t start crying for me. Snot bubbles are very unattractive!’
‘Sorry. I just feel bad that you didn’t …’
Their conversation was halted by Pat calling up the stairs to say Michelle was at the door.
They decided to head out to the park to sunbathe.
‘Do you find it weird? I mean … there’s a baby in you. Is it … you know … horrible?’
Beth placed her hand protectively over her belly. ‘No, it’s not horrible. I quite like it.’
‘LIKE IT?’
‘Yeah. I mean, I wouldn’t have planned it like this. It’s stupid, I know, but now it’s in there – I’m excited about it.’
‘Bloody hell. It’s not too long ago we were playing with Barbie. You’re seventeen next week and you want to be a mum?’
Beth gritted her teeth. ‘Like I said, it’s not ideal, but now it’s there …’
‘Do you want a boy or a girl?’
Remembering her conversation with Lisa, Beth replied, ‘I think it’s a girl.’
‘What will you call her?’
‘I’ve always liked the name Amanda, you know, Mandy for short.’
Michelle considered. ‘Yeah, nice.’ Putting her mouth to her best friend’s belly, she shouted, ‘Hello, Mandy. Are you in there?’
Some kids walked past and laughed. Maybe they thought she was just shouting at the contents of Beth’s stomach; the cornflakes she’d eaten for breakfast or the roast dinner she’d not long finished. They didn’t realise. They didn’t know there was a precious little life in there.
‘You are being careful with … um … is it Ben?’
‘Yes, it’s Ben now. Carl was last month.’
‘But you are being careful. You know what I mean?’ Beth mouthed the word, ‘Sex.’
‘Beth! What do you think? I’m on the pill. It’s easy. You just take it every day for three weeks and then you have a week off. It’s simple. You should’ve … well … anyway, yes, I’m being careful.’
Beth longed to ask Michelle what she thought of sex. She knew she’d done it with Carl, and now she was doing it with a second boy, this Ben, she was always raving about. What did they do that was different from Mario? Why the heck would she want to do it more than once? But she was too embarrassed to ask. What if Michelle’s experience was all hearts and passion? What if her first time had been just like the stories in the magazines? God forbid, Michelle should ask Beth about her experience. She didn’t want to have to admit anything, so she avoided the nitty gritty of the subject.
The twins seventeenth birthday was a quiet affair. Beth figured her mum and dad were probably waiting for the eighteenth to push the boat out. Maybe they’d have a party or something. Mind you, Mandy would’ve arrived by then, things would be very different.
She couldn’t help reminding Lisa of their tenth birthday. ‘Do you remember Charlie?’
‘Of course, I’ll never forget him.’
‘Quite right. Imagine if he’d died. Blimey, he’d have been dead seven years!’
‘But he didn’t die. I told you he wouldn’t.’
‘Yes, you did. I wish he’d kept in touch.’
‘He was an idiot. He probably doesn’t remember your address.’
‘Unlikely!’ Beth scoffed. ‘Anyway, it was our mum who saved him. He couldn’t forget that. Surely?’
Lisa agreed. ‘You’d think not.’
‘Imagine being saved by Mum.’
‘She’s fabulous.’
‘But … Dad is too.’
Lisa considered her comment, before adding, ‘Yes, Dad’s great. But useless in a crisis. Look at him the day he found out about your bloody baby.’
‘He’ll be all right once she’s here. I wonder if he’ll be “Granddad” or “Grandpa”?’
They both laughed at that. Their dad wasn’t quite fifty, how crazy to call him either of those names.
Returning to the previous subject, Beth asked, ‘Do you think he’s remembering it? Charlie, I mean.’
‘Like I just said, he was an idiot. He’s probably forgotten the date completely.’
‘NO. Surely not? No one could forget nearly dying, Lisa. He wasn’t that much of an idiot.’
Pat called from downstairs, ‘I’ve made a cake.’
Over the years, she’d become less and less liberal with the cochineal colouring, meaning the icing was now a beautiful pale pink. It was, as always, delicious. A simple Victoria sponge, but the butter crème filling was gorgeous, and the sponge was springy. Nanna had taught Pat well. Pat had also bought a bottle of Cava, and even though Beth was pregnant, she was allowed a small glass to celebrate.
It was an extremely pleasant Saturday afternoon, a lazy time, spent with their parents and Nanna, watching a movie. Don was fairly mellow, and Beth was hoping, in time, he’d come to be as excited as she was about the baby. She even suspected her mum was beginning to look forward to it, just a tiny bit. Although not enough for Beth to confess that she’d been viewing baby clothes.
‘Just nipping to the loo,’ Beth excused herself, leaving the others lounging on the sofa, almost asleep.
When she first saw the blood, it confused her. Initially, she thought it was a period, then she remembered. Suddenly, she doubted everything. Had the test got it wrong? Was she not pregnant after all? Maybe this was just a late period? No, it couldn’t be. It was nearly three months since she’d had a period, it wouldn’t just turn up that late, apologising for its tardiness. If this wasn’t a period, if the test had been ri
ght, and she was definitely pregnant, why was there blood on the tissue and in her underwear?
Racing back to the lounge, she nudged her mum and asked her if they could talk in private. Pat woke up with a start. ‘What? Why?’
‘Please, Mum. Come with me?’
Beth showed her the blood. ‘What does it mean? Am I OK?’
For a second, she glimpsed concern on her mum’s face. Then it was gone. ‘It might not mean anything. Sometimes there’s a little blood during pregnancy. But …’
‘But?’
‘It could mean things aren’t going well with … you know, with the baby.’
‘Well which is it? Is it OK or is it bad?’
Pat put her arm around Beth, they were sitting on Pat and Don’s bed. ‘Look, when I was pregnant, I had some bleeding, fairly early on, and it turned out it didn’t mean a thing, you still arrived safe and sound, didn’t you? But many friends of mine have had bleeding and they lost their babies. So, you see …’
‘Lost them!’
‘Miscarried. You know, the pregnancy just stopped.’
Beth was reminded of Lisa; her tiny heart had stopped without warning. Was her baby disappearing? Surely that couldn’t happen to her? ‘What do I do? How do I know which one is happening?’
‘We’ll wait. That’s all we can do. If the bleeding stops, it means you’re probably fine. But if it continues, we’ll speak to someone at the hospital. It’s early days. We’ll just wait.’
They sat for a while on the bed. In the background, Beth could hear ‘Grumpy Jack’ mowing his lawn, the smell of freshly cut grass wafting through the open window. Everything seemed so normal, and yet her heart was hammering in her chest. She wanted to do something, but she didn’t know what.
‘What do you think, Lisa?’
‘Mum says you have to just wait and see. I think you should listen to her.’
So, they waited, and boy did they see!
The pain started in the middle of the night. Beth was having a vivid dream. She was pushing Mandy along the street in her pram and various people were stopping and remarking on how gorgeous she was. Michelle was there. Don was also there, he was beaming with pride, a fact that made Beth incredibly happy. Next, in the dream, giant clouds appeared, and she started to shiver. At the same time, she began to experience a horrible drawing pain in her abdomen. Looking down she was horrified to see rats scratching at her tummy. It hurt like hell as they ripped her flesh. She tried repeatedly to scream for help, but she could only make a faint moan. She could hear Lisa saying that she needed to wake up. Then, she was shouting, ‘You’re bleeding!’
