by Sue Shepherd
Beth was left with major flutters in her stomach. Intimacy was not something she was familiar with, but her hand longed to return to his face. If only she could be as confident as Michelle. She was nothing but a clumsy teenager, with no idea what to say or do. All she knew was, for the first time ever, she wanted to explore the possibilities.
The next day, Beth was wondering if she ought to talk to Michelle about James. She was ridiculously inexperienced when it came to things like this, and she knew there was no point asking Lisa. She would either say – go ahead and shag him or – what would he see in you? Depending on what kind of mood she was in.
When Beth next bumped into Michelle though, she wasn’t alone. She was chatting in the garden with Sabine. Sabine was a German girl who’d been at the hostel for about a week. Michelle had gotten friendly with her, and they’d begun spending a lot of time together. Beth didn’t like to judge or be unkind, but she thought Sabine was rather promiscuous. She’d observed Sabine disappearing off to the old abandoned laundry room on three separate occasions already, and she was never accompanied by the same man twice. Beth had the experience of Mandy in her heart to remind her sex was a dangerous thing, and she just couldn’t help it, as far as she was concerned, Sabine was not a good person to befriend.
As soon as Sabine left the garden, Beth found herself saying, ‘I worry about you, Michelle. I don’t want you to get a reputation like Sab … um … some of the other girls.’
‘PARDON?’ Michelle had been trying to make a friendship bracelet, but at Beth’s statement she halted.
‘I just mean … you know? With men. I think you should be careful.’
‘You’re not serious? A reputation? There are loads of people having sex in this place. Why would people worry about what I’m doing?’
Realising her mistake, Beth tried to stop the conversation. ‘Sorry. I just … oh, forget it.’
But Michelle was angry. She didn’t want to let it drop. ‘Are you calling me a slag? Because I’ve only slept with Marcus and … what was that ginger bloke called?’
‘Andrew.’
‘Right. Exactly. Two blokes and you’re ‒’
‘To be fair though,’ Beth tried a smile, ‘you couldn’t remember the name of fifty per cent of them!’
Luckily, Michelle saw the funny side. ‘OK, you’ve got me,’ she laughed. ‘But … seriously, I’m not a slag. It’s different here. You know that, right? You’re sleeping with James, aren’t you?’
‘We’re just friends.’
‘What a waste.’
‘It’s complicated for me, I’m … um.’
Michelle absent-mindedly began twisting the coloured threads.
Beth reached out. Placing her hand on top of Michelle’s, she asked, ‘Are you listening to me?’
‘Of course!’ Michelle discarded the bracelet, and gave her full attention to her friend.
Checking they were still alone in the garden, Beth continued, ‘I just don’t like all that stuff.’ Her face flushed.
‘What stuff?’
Beth could see her friend was going to make her explain it in full. ‘You know. I know you do.’
‘How do you know I know? I don’t know.’ Michelle pulled a face.
‘She bloody well does know,’ Lisa exclaimed.
Beth took a deep breath and blurted it out. ‘I don’t like sex, OK?’
‘But … um …? No, sorry. I’ve got nothing. I don’t get it.’
‘Well, I don’t get why you do like it. It’s not exactly pleasurable, is it?’ Beth struggled to stop the tears of humiliation from falling. ‘It wasn’t when I did it with Mario, that’s for sure.’
Michelle took her into her arms. ‘I’m sorry. Don’t get upset. Have you only ever slept with him?’
‘Yes.’
‘Oh, right. I suppose I hadn’t thought. I assumed you’d just start sleeping with James … Well anyway, don’t base it all on one person. A bit of a shit shagger, was he?’
Too embarrassed to reveal to Michelle that she was basing her entire knowledge of sex on one disastrous incident, Beth merely nodded.
‘Right well, Mario was obviously rubbish. Don’t worry about him, he’s in the past. I assure you, sex is well worth bothering about. But you need to be safe!’ Michelle raised her eyebrows, knowingly.
‘You should listen to her,’ Lisa advised. ‘She clearly knows what she’s talking about.’
Seventeen
A few days after the tuna pasta bake day, they’d all been to the pub for the night and were walking back to the hostel. Beth had allowed herself to get rather drunk, which was unusual for her.
The more they walked, the further behind she and James became. Whether this was by his design or due to her inability to walk in a straight line, she couldn’t be sure. She noticed Michelle looking back to make sure she was OK. Her last view of her friend was when she mouthed the words, ‘Are you all right?’ and Beth gave a wonky smile of reassurance. With that Michelle and the others rounded the corner, and James and Beth were alone.
‘Do you want to stop a minute? Sit on a wall, maybe?’ he asked.
Beth giggled. ‘Um … might not be a bad idea.’
They found a low wall and plopped their bums down. He seemed concerned. ‘Are you going be able to make it home? I’m not sure I can carry you.’
‘Cheeky git. I’m not fat.’
‘I never said you were. I don’t think I could carry anyone all the way back to the hostel.’
Beth took a few deep breaths. ‘I’ll be fine. I should have stuck to those small beers. Some fool started buying me that dreadful wine …’
‘That “fool” would be me,’ James laughed. ‘You seemed to like it. I like to see you happy.’
Maybe it was the drink making her brave, or maybe she’d just had enough of all this pussy footing around, but she asked, ‘Why, though?’
‘Why, though?’
‘Why do you like to see me happy? Why do you care whether I had someone to look after me when my face was bad?’
He took a while to reply. Beth’s heart began to pound in her chest whilst she waited. I’ve embarrassed him!
‘Why do I like to see you happy? That’s an odd question. Don’t you like to see me happy?’
She thought of him, his white teeth gleaming in his handsome, brown face. That indefinable twinkle in his eyes. Of course, she liked to see him happy, but …
As she hadn’t spoken, he continued, ‘I mean … isn’t that what people who like each other care about? I’ve wanted to see you happy since the first time I set eyes on your poor face and put my flamin’ foot in it.’
At this, Beth began to cry. Not a ladylike trickle, not a silent tear tracking its way down her face, oh no, she began to howl.
James seemed surprised by this turn of events. As was she. Ridiculously, she couldn’t stop.
His arms came around her, and there was concern in his voice as he asked, ‘What have I said?’
She managed to stutter out the words, ‘Nothing. Nothing at all. You’re fine … it’s just the wine. It makes me a bit …’
‘Nutty?’
‘Yeah. Sorry. Can we …?’ Beth rose from the wall and began stumbling back to the hostel.
Springing up to join her, he put his arm around her shoulders. They walked the rest of the way in a weird silence. She assumed he’d decided she was a total fruit bat and he’d best not waste any more time on her. She was thinking a million and one things all at once. Why can’t I just be normal? Is it possible he likes me? Have I ruined it?
A couple of roads away from the hostel, her only real thought was that she badly needed a wee. She informed James of the urgency, and they sped up, arriving at the hostel in record time. Due to the determination in her bladder, there was no time to say anything further to him. She simply thanked him for getting her home safely and muttered, ‘I’m sorry about the … um.’ With that she ran to the nearest toilet block.
After her much needed wee, Beth staggered
into the room she shared with Michelle.
Without even bothering to remove her clothes or brush her teeth, she simply threw herself onto her bunk. As soon as she closed her eyes, she once again regretted the wine. The room began to spin. She opened her eyes and tried to fix her gaze on the slats of Michelle’s bunk above her.
Michelle spoke into the darkness. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Kind of.’
‘All OK with James?’
‘Mmm.’
‘Get some sleep. I think you’re going to need paracetamol in the morning.’
‘All right.’
But Beth wasn’t all right. She wasn’t used to being this drunk, and she still felt stupid about crying in front of James. Hesitantly, she tried closing her eyes, attempting to keep the nausea at bay.
Sleep came almost immediately. In her dream, Beth was heading back to Lisa’s place. She was travelling at speed, away from the comfort of her bunk. The sounds of Michelle trying to get comfy in the bed above became faint. She began to feel trapped and somehow isolated from the world.
It occurred to her, maybe she wasn’t dreaming. It seemed terrifyingly real. She tried to wake herself up, but her body wouldn’t respond. She was paralysed.
Then, she heard Lisa. ‘That’s it. Let yourself go. I’m in control now.’ Her voice was clear and loud. It was close.
Eighteen
A second later, vomit raced up Beth’s oesophagus, and she sat bolt upright in the bed, just clearing the upper bunk with her head.
Leaping out of bed, she ran over to the large sink and threw up. Out it all came, the wine, the beer, the meal she’d eaten earlier.
Michelle was by her side straight away, rubbing her back. ‘Good girl. Get it all out. I just knew you were going to chunder.’
‘Oh, God!’ Beth repeated over and over, in between retches. Once she was sure everything was out, she rinsed the sink and splashed her face. Cupping her hand under the tap, she drank some water, and staggered back to bed.
‘You’ll be OK now. Try and get some sleep.’
‘Thanks.’ Beth got into bed and closed her eyes. Michelle was right. She did feel a little better. The room was definitely more stable.
Before she fell back to sleep, she asked Lisa, ‘Were you trying to come out?’
‘Huh?’
‘Was that you?’
‘Pardon?’
‘I can’t work out whether I was dreaming or …’
‘Dreaming. Definitely dreaming.’
Beth wasn’t sure. But before she could argue any further, she’d already fallen back to sleep.
After spending much of the morning in bed, Beth finally surfaced and took a shower.
She couldn’t help thinking about James and how different it might have been if she hadn’t allowed herself to get so pissed.
‘You like him?’
‘Yeah, I think I do. No jokes though, Lisa. No sarcasm, please?’
‘OK. I wasn’t going to be sarcastic. I’m just surprised to hear you admit you like a man.’
‘It scares me how much I like him. I mean … what do I want to happen?’
‘Um … derr!’
‘See, you’re laughing at me. I knew you would.’
‘I’m not. It’s OK to want to get close to him.’
‘I know. But … the intimacy scares the hell out of me. I think I was prepared to risk it though.’
‘What do you mean was?’
‘I messed it all up. I got pissed.’
‘I don’t think it’s too late. Risk it now?’
‘Why can’t I be more like Michelle? I just want to be a grown up. I want to do those adult things that everybody else finds so easy to do.’
‘What’s stopping you?’
‘Fear. As always, bloody fear.’
‘I bet if you go and talk to him it’ll be OK.’
‘I’d give anything for you to be right.’
‘Of course, I’m right. I’m always right.’
‘Do you mind if I get a second opinion?’
‘Who? Michelle?’
‘Yeah, it’s just, no offence, but she’s done all this before, she’s …’
Lisa sounded dejected. ‘Yeah, I know, she’s alive.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Oh, just go and ask her. What do I care anyway?’ Lisa retreated to her corner.
Michelle was in the kitchen, making poached eggs. ‘Just in time. I’ve done you a couple.’
Beth nodded. ‘Oh … thanks.’
They sat in the kitchen and, somehow, Beth ate her eggs and toast. She didn’t want to offend Michelle by telling her she wasn’t hungry. Besides which, they were always on a budget, nothing could be wasted.
‘Are you OK?’ Michelle asked between mouthfuls.
‘Uh huh.’
‘Your hangover’s gone, then?’
‘You were right. Better out than in. I think I slept for England today.’
It wasn’t long before Michelle asked the inevitable question. ‘What’s happening with you and James?’
‘I really like him. I mean REALLY. I told you how I am about sex and all that? It scares the hell out of me how much I like him.’
‘I’m sure it’ll be OK with him.’ Michelle tried to reassure her. ‘He looks like he knows how to handle himself.’
Beth shook her head. ‘It’s not even that. I’m sure he’s fantastic in bed. Like you say, sex can’t be as awful as I think it is, otherwise people wouldn’t be hot footing it over to the old laundry room at all hours of the day and night. I mean for goodness sake, they practically need a rota over there.’
‘So?’
‘So?’
‘So … what’s the problem?’
Beth wanted to howl again, only she hadn’t had the dodgy wine, so it came out as more of a civilized whimper. ‘I think I’ve spoilt it. I just don’t know how he feels about me. Are we friends? Are we more? I don’t know!’
‘Didn’t he let on how he felt when you two hung back last night?’
‘He said he likes it when I’m happy.’
‘Aww – sweet.’
‘But what does that mean? For goodness sake, I like it when you’re happy, but I don’t want to shag you.’
‘Thanks very much,’ Michelle laughed. ‘I don’t want to shag you either!’
‘You know what I mean, though?’
Michelle grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a little shake. ‘Beth,’ her expression became serious, ‘I see the way he looks at you. He cares about making you happy. He looks at you like … oh I don’t know, like he wants you. Even back when you weren’t great to look at!’
Beth gave her a shove, but it was playful. She was grinning. ‘So, you think he … cares about me … properly I mean?’
‘Put it this way, I wouldn’t mind a man looking at me the way he looks at you. It’d be tragic for you to keep ignoring it.’
‘I hope you’re right. What time is it?’
‘Just after one o’clock.’
Beth gulped. ‘Just the four hours to kill until he comes home from work, then!’
‘Why exactly are we out for a walk?’
Beth tried desperately to compose the thoughts in her head. ‘I wanted to talk to you, James. I think maybe there’s been some mixed messages between us and I just …’
‘Intriguing, tell me more,’ he chuckled.
‘Don’t do that.’
‘Do what?’
‘Act all funny. This is serious.’
‘Right you are.’
They carried on walking, their steps in harmony, as always.
She tried again. Deciding nothing could be as torturous as all this not knowing, she jumped right in. ‘I just don’t know if you like me.’
‘Of course, I like you, sweetheart.’
‘And that’s another thing, why am I “sweetheart”?’ She knew she was coming across like a halfwit, but the reality was, she was a stumbling adolescent who knew nothing of grown up relationships, and
was hugely out of her depth. ‘I really like you, and I think maybe you have the same feelings for me, but I’m just crap.’
‘I told you, I’ve wanted to make you happy since the first night, when I saw you with your painful sunburn and I upset you. I’ve wanted to make it all better for you. And … I think, maybe I do, a bit, no?’
‘Yes, you do. You absolutely do.’
‘I think what you’re trying to say, in your own individual way, is that you want something to happen between us, but you don’t want to get hurt. Am I right?’
‘Sort of, but …’
‘How about this?’ He stopped walking and faced her. ‘I’m here for a couple more months and then I’m booked to fly to the Northern Territory. You said you and Michelle are here until New Year. How about we give it a go? I can’t promise a lifetime, but I can one hundred per cent promise you for the time we have left together in Bondi, I won’t mess you about; I’m all yours. Any good to you, you crazy daft woman?’
She felt the excitement begin to build. James all to herself, what an amazing thought. ‘It sounds great, I’m …’
‘You know how fond of you I am. You make me laugh, even now your face is normal.’ James grinned. ‘I think we could have a good couple of months.’ He leant towards her, presumably for their first kiss.
The butterflies in Beth’s tummy began performing Riverdance.
As their lips touched, her mouth wanted to explore his. His hands came up to her back and pulled her towards him, although, Lord knows, she didn’t need pulling. His face against hers was quite soft, save for the occasional bristle. He kissed beautifully. It was as if they were dancing. A slow and gentle rhythm. A million miles away from the fumbling kisses she’d shared with Mario.
They were standing in the street, outside some stranger’s house, someone who was probably getting a good old eyeful out of their window, and yet she didn’t care. Her hand made its way up his strong back, to the crook of his neck. His skin was warm from working in the sun. She stroked his soft, messy hair and obeyed the overwhelming urge to run her fingers through it. This was all the kisses she should have had, this was all the teenage magazines at their absolute best. She was owed this.
